One Step at A Time

That's what happens when you come to Chicago Wait 1.3 hours in line at Portillos Order a beef and cheese fries Your body curses you out the best way it knows how. The bigger problem for me they both felt so similar But being higher Prob felt a little better That's so anti.

I had to send in my sugar readings and if I'm honest I completely forgot to. So they called and I had to read them to the nurse. I chose to do so backwards because that's just how my machine store them. My average now on my new medicine is like 140 125 150 140 Then it came time for the before I started my actual dose 257 300 270 400 Like I make light of my situation usually. But some days were really scary. Some days I couldn't eat until I knew I would be home because I would immediately go into a food coma. I'm glad I decided to try this medicine. I have more energy. I'm eating less. Now I just need to use it improve and get off of it. One step at a time.

Anyways here goes nothing.

Please understand I've been so poor before That not only was my next meal not secured But the roof over my head was not mine to claim. Through that I had to learn many things Mainly though My value When my bank account was literally below zero I had to figure out what I was worth to myself That value only increases. The person I am is only getting better.

Like that shit isnt a big deal

I thought it was my responsibility to be strong. Figured might as well cuz me crying wouldn't really bring you back. But looking back at it Those three moments weakened me the most I spent still the majority of the days of my life seeing you. I saw you go from the white belt slanging grandma to the white belt slanging stranger I hated that the only thing you could faithfully remember was those old school spirituals You sang them And all I heard were cries to a God I knew you probably were fighting to remember Jealous because it wasn't fair that you remembered him But couldn't seem to remember me. I literally was already in the car Speaking of cars. I'll never forget that car ride home You had your kids in the back I didn't understand why you wanted me to ride with you I'm sure that was the only time I ever have Had What tense do I use. It was the weirdest conversation ever cuz. I really didn't even understand it until I was older. Back then I cut people off fast because I was use to everyone trying to change me I didn't realize some change can be for the better. So advice is more about growth I think that's what you were getting at. I did grow For the most part I'm still a lame I still don't wear girls clothes But the girls don't seem to mind as much as our family does You prob wouldn't mind as much now either I realized that the thug look wouldn't work So now it's somewhere between a nerd and hell I don't even know Speaking of clothes I know you'd never forgive half the things I say about God. It's not that I think we serve different ones It's more I try to let him speak directly to me You all told me he could. You told me I was special And in order to believe you I first had to believe in myself. I'm sorry i disappeared Freshman year I realized that I could live a life where I didn't have to think about being gay and different and a disappointment everyday. It really changed me. I couldn't let you or your love take me steps backward. I looked at your obituary today I'm still not in it I didn't fight to be. Back then it was just a few pieces of paper Reminding me That you were gone Now I feel like the memories we built weren't respected And I allowed it to happen I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything I feel like the only thing you and my mother had in common was the need for me to be yalls little girl I'm so much more than that now I wish I could have explained it then I don't know if it would have meant anything But at least I wouldn't feel like I still owe you and explanation I know it ruined you and my mom but that phone call really did save my life So I'm glad she chose not to forgive you in the end You didn't need to be forgiven Sometimes people need to bear crosses That's hers You're mine I really hate hospitals I knew it didn't look good for you I was so angry Three generations of women Beautiful women Show stopping women Who I loved And who loved me I didn't say much when it first happen But I was strong I'm not really that strong now.

And I'm addicted to all things carbs. This alone is bad but it doesn't help that body has decided that it's not going to allow me to over work it with my addiction. If fact in decided it's not gonna even really work at all in regards to them. That's where the pills come in. So the the soreness and being tired There's also so eye issues And weight drama That's what this blog will be full of. Follow at your own risk.