Queen.

Ambiance: None - just read this one in silence and contemplative thought

Working titles: Death to Multitasking, Moguls Don't Multitask, Millionaires Don't Multitask, blah blah blah...you get the picture

Last week, as my best friend and I were Marco Poloing and speaking our current struggles and actionable adjustments, I prompted a fast. Of course because she is me and I am her, she agreed.

Now this was more of a consecration because we didn't give up food completely and were absolutely stumbling into a much needed readjustment phase. I was still vacillating on what to sacrifice. This was a Saturday. The fast was to start that following Tuesday, May 27th. What I did know is that I needed to give up social media and Youtube so those apps were deleted almost immediately. Almost. Lol!

We both went to church super expectant on what God was going to say and both services were an absolute wink from heaven. At her church though, the pastor confirmed fasting and that it would be 3 days so we agreed. On Monday, May 26th, as I showered, God spoke so clearly to me that I needed to STOP MULTITASKING. His words were, "NO MORE MULTITASKING!" Now people often ask how do you know it's God or your own musings - baby, I would have NEVER thought that. Lol! All God on that one. Never. No multitasking?! Now what now, Lord.

And it's so wild and all happened so fast because before I could even combat it, I was Marco Poloing my bestie telling her the details of this shower convo with Jesus. It was so wild that He was asking for my undivided attention in LIFE, not just in worship. It's not that He wanted me to keep my eyes and ears only on Him but that I would be singularly focused everywhere. God was motivating me to show up fully in whatever I was doing. So I tried it - and I'm still trying it.

And there was so much confirmation around it as I went. I watched the Fasting and Praying podcast on 30 Minutes with the Perrys and Preston spoke so eloquently on the quality of time that God wants from us. And even once the fast was over, Instagram posts about how moguls don't multitask. They go ALL IN on one thing until success. Even if they fail multiple times along the way, they weren't distracted as they went so they are able to take proper inventory on mistakes and missteps. Youtube shorts about how it takes, on average, 19 minutes to get back on track once distracted from the flow state. It all felt so remarkable.

God is asking for a higher level of living for me and each component of it will require focused work. Distraction is so easy and I even thought myself some sort of multitasking aficionado. Who knew it was keeping me scattered and broke? Sheesh! Now, that's a word. The thing that you think is giving you the leg up could be the thing that holding you back.

            “Live in this moment. She deserves more time with you.” These were the words that whispered through my brain in the opaque darkness during a SoulCycle class. We are four fifths through a packed-out Chris Chandler Saturday morning Soul Survivor and my younger self barrels through my subconscious demanding attention. (Now is not the time, ma’am!) I am giving my all to the Active Calories on my Apple Watch and in she comes in all her glory, wanting a good cry. Those tears?! They were nothing less than refreshing raindrops on a summer evening in Arizona. It was the moment where everything changed; I will never be the same.

I am front row and fabulous in my all-black leggings and a glittered black bra from Target (pronounced [tar-zhay]. Suited and booted from top to bottom and by bottom, I mean my GymShark tube socks that I got at a free run club event back home. I am dressed for war. I am ready for battle and my body is my usual opponent. My body that makes me love myself less and shame myself more is also the most capable it’s ever been. My body is why I can even be confident in the front row of a boutique, rhythmic fitness-based workout of any kind. I am no soldier without the strength, endurance and sturdiness of my instrument. Moreover, God got me into the class, so I knew something special was afoot.

Taylor Swift was the theme of the 11:45am class that I was originally scheduled to attend. Sickness and hoarseness had me moving slow earlier in the week so I thought I’d let myself sleep in while still prioritizing movement. Plus, I had a fundraiser to perform at later and any professional known that a workout is the vocal warmup cheat code and I needed all the help I could get. Still, I woke up ninety minutes earlier than expected and went to journalling. Morning pages that normally take me an hour took about forty to forty five minutes. When I took a peek at my phone to gauge timing, it was just before 9am and I thought, “Eh, why not?”

SoulCycle has its policies to keep business running well. I knew that some rules would have to be bent or even broken to get into the 9:30a Soul Survivor especially because, according to company’s app, the class was waitlisted. The negotiator in me called anyway. Pleasantly greeting the employee who was standing between me and destiny, I inquired about the upcoming class. I played it cool but was absolutely freaking out inside in anticipation. “Actually, we have a bike!” Mentally, I vacillated between “Really? You do?” and “I knew it!” but an easy “I’m on my way!” peeped between pursed lip. I got to it, got dressed and got in the car. Ten minutes later, I’m in the studio setting up my bike and putting my Apple Watch on theater mode, not to disturb the darkness whilst still tracking my progress.

The instructor lights up when he sees me. I’m on vocal rest until that evening so I had prepped a note in my phone aptly titled, Vocal Rest. It read: “In town for a gig so I’m resting my voice. I’ll be back May – July for the actual gig.” We hug and enter the battlefield. Class is as usual, fun, energetic, communal. Chris is hyping up my energy because he knows that I can’t speak. He is giving sermons about presence and connection from the podium, encouraging us all to stay in the moment together. It is a sort of secular church. It feels righteous and then ratchet and all sorts of redemptive. Artists like Doechii, Madonna and Meg Thee Stallion all make sense together booming through the speakers. This is heaven.

People of all different creeds, socioeconomic backgrounds and orientations cheering and “cheers”ing water bottles without politics or societal boundaries. We need each other’s energy to endure, and we maximize that necessity with connection. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced while exhausting yourself and breathing harder than you ever have before in your life. Then it happens. We go from a run to an unexpected, early Soulful Moment and Chris instructs us to tap into self. He asks us to put one hand on our heart and the other on our belly and to close our eyes. That was the moment. The second that I touched the belly, my belly, that I had just journalled that I resented that morning, I was present with her. I was present with the practices of my younger self that got me to this weight in the first place. All at once, an uncontrollable wave of emotion crashed in and God whispered, “Have grace for her.” That whisper was the loudest it’s ever been. “Have grace for her,” He said it again as I tried to fight the tear-mixed-sweat that was now streaming down my face. 

Those words felt like the footsteps of giants crushing any safety that I had found in shaming myself into a new version of me. Grace, compassion, empathy and understanding were the ingredients needed to reshape not just my body but my relationship with self. The little one inside of me did what she knew to do to survive and that required courage and audacity. Do I need to do deeper work to continue to heal my relationship with food? Of course. Am I equipped with the tools to do so? Sure am. Does that little girl in me who thought she needed food to cope and numb deserve love from me today? WITHOUT A DOUBT! That is how we progress healthily. That is how I move forward at a pace that is sustainable and that doesn’t constantly trigger fight or flight. “Have grace for her.” Why? Because God does. God is obsessed with that little girl and knew what she had to endure to become who I am today. That little one deserves an award for her resilience and tenacity, not shame and anger for the work I have to do to untangle the knots of her choices.

->2025 is a Year of Harvest!<-

I can't remember if I've said this in my newsletters just yet but if I have, indulge me. This year was the FIRST TIME EVER that I've made TWO VISION BOARDS! Yes, two full size vision boards and if you know me, you know I go hard and travel them so I can really get the full effect of looking at them every single day and keeping my God-given vision close.

I say God-given because I do pray over my vision boards before making them. I ask God to refine the vision as I'm flipping through physical magazines and y'all even that process is a testimony. I usually look for magazines a week before NYE and really go hard. Last year, I went Magazine Hunting DAY OF and miraculously came up in abundance.

I had no idea why when I went to CVS and God told me to buy two poster boards that they would both be for me. (I'm currently staying with some very generous friends and assumed maybe they'd want to make one.)

As I'm cutting out patches, I hear the whisper "Make both." It all came rushing in. 2024 was my Job year and man, was it a doozy. God and I wrestled for what felt like the last 6 months of the year because I was just so angry. My expectations were thwarted by reality in a way that I just couldn't comprehend. Understanding why God was doing what He was doing was available to me and I was pissed about it but these two vision boards put it all into perspective.

My word for 2025 is SOURCE and my chapter is John 15. If I am connected and have allowed pruning, my MUCH FRUIT is on the way. My "much fruit" is guaranteed and I will receive DOUBLE for my trouble. Double vision is just the icing on the cake but the CAKE? The cake is proving to be a rich, vibrant and super dope experience.

Ambiance: People For Your Life by Isaiah Templeton

Written circa January 2022

            We often equate the provision of God to unexpected monetary increase. We quote scriptures like Malachi 3:10 or Ephesians 3:20 back to God, reminding Him of His biblical promises to us regarding our finances. For me during the pandemic, especially the end of 2020 into the beginning of this year, I understood the provision of God toward me as being able to stay in New York City and afford my lifestyle. Not that I live like a Rockstar or anything, but being a performer, income has been touch and go. As I zoom out and really take inventory of my current circumstances, I realize that the sanity that I’ve been able to maintain hasn’t all been from a warm bed and a warm meal. (Though, for that, I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL!) It’s mostly come from the people that God provided me with last year to isolate me even as He pieced the monetary provision together on my behalf. God has kept a roof over my head and food in my belly but even when it may have seemed like I was cutting it close financially, I’ve had community girding me up every step of the way.

            When the pandemic first began last March, I was still in graduate school and teaching private voice lessons at New York University. There was very little time to process what was going on in the world while moving out of graduate housing, transitioning myself and all my students to virtual schooling and preparing for my final recital (which now had to be in the living room of my new Brooklyn digs). By the time I really wrapped my mind around what was happening outside of my small bubble, it was probably mid-May, early-June. It was then that I was able to process what this really meant for those in the arts, as the steady checks from my assistantship came to an end. I had a mini meltdown. The world as I knew it was completely different and I was grieving all those end-of-the-year victory celebrations as our normal graduation plans were and are still currently tabled indefinitely. It was weird and confusing, but I wasn’t alone. None of us are. 

            Between the months of April and July, God provided. He provided me with people, community, accountability and fellowship. Even moving into a new apartment was through a colleague who I went to graduate school with that had some roommates move out “unexpectantly” the month before and, of course, the perspective sublet just “never showed up”. God is intentional and specific in my needs and interests were taken into consideration and accommodated. The fitness accountability group that He connected with last May was my saving grace for consistently through all the swift transitions. The bible study that He connected me with last June is a group of Opera singers that are believers. The Elevation Church eFam eGroup that I’m apart of is a group of women that is committed to allowing God into our holistic health, falling right in line with the weight loss journey that I’m on. Miraculous how God saw me, heard my cries and led me to people with whom I could be all of myself. 

Right Hand Man from Something Rotten! the Musical

Written circa September 2020

With every self-development course that I’ve taken, every self-help book that I read, every sermon that I watch, or bible study that I’ve done, the common theme is overcoming fear. (That is not to be confused with fearlessness.) We suffer from crippling, silencing, paralyzing fear and every speaker and author and pastor is trying to help us get out of our own way and not allow this False Evidence Appearing Real to keep us running in circles, walking into walls or standing still. They all ask the same series of questions, “Who would you be if you were unafraid? If failure wasn’t a factor? If money wasn’t an issue?” We are charged to stop navigating life with the weight of the generational burdens of our family of origin and forge our own paths. We are motivated to navigate the fears that previously paralyzed past generations and trudge on, moving beyond our family’s normal point of forfeit. We are challenged to find our message within the mess of our past, talking others into that we have pledged to overcome. 

We do all this soul excavation, and one thing remains: It. Is. Hard. Work.

            I really had to accept and continue to accept that the freedom that I am seeking will continue to be almost exhaustingly difficult. Creating new neuropathways in the brain is no small feat. It’s real warfare, y’all. Freedom requires of us what nothing else has ever asked of us because it’s self against self. It’s me against the tendencies that have previously held me back from who God has called me to be. (Colossians 3:9-11) It’s me against my comfort zone that has been a false safety. (Hebrews 12:1) It’s me against the voices in my own head that try to talk me into the unimaginable. (2 Corinthians 10:6) It’s me against who I was yesterday but coupled with those battles is a never-ending call for a higher, faster, stronger, better, wiser, more mature, freer version of myself that won’t let me settle for my previous identity. (And she’s a strong sister.)

Have you accepted the difficulty of what your higher self requires? Because one thing is for sure: We are called to more. Did you know that? Do you believe that? We are called to the identity of promise and abundance and fulfillment that the bible offers us through Jesus. I hold fast to verses like Deuteronomy 28:11, Psalms 31:19, and Galatians 6:9. I make the active choice to keep these biblical remedies to these enemies or “inner-me”s on repeat moment to moment. Why? Because we can only run our race well with the strength of God propelling us forward. 

We can’t do it alone. It’s not by our power that we are saved, changed and restored but it is by our choice. It is the unyielding choice to nourish our new identity and starve the old one. And when old tendencies or what the bible calls “your flesh” has been winning for a long time, that starvation takes intentionally and continuous work. 

Ambiance: Opening Up from Waitress the Musical

Written circa Fall 2021

Ladies! Guess what? I have a testimony. I’m on Broadway! I’m. On. Broadway! ME! What? I’m actually doing theater in Times Square in a bona fide Broadway show. They don let ya girl IN! There are other Broadway actors, crew, and creative team members that surround me daily. (I even get to share the stage with a whole superstar.) What is life? How did I get here? How does a girl from the hood in Cleveland acquire two degrees in singing and end up standing across from people 8 times a week that she would only encounter on Google? How am I making my Broadway debut in September 2021 in WAITRESS the Musical, a show that closed January 2020? A show that I haven’t auditioned for in 5 years and landed because I was auditioning for something COMPLETELY different? Crazy, right? Maybe but let’s talk about when opportunity meets preparation meets resurrection meets redirection.

            I am from the inner city of Cleveland, OH. I grew up afraid of my own voice, intimidated by it. Something in me knew that it was bigger than me and would require all of me to maximize. I also was aware of how different it was from those around me. Those powerhouse gospel singers who could tear the church down? Yeah, that wasn’t me. Mine was powerful in a different way. Its audience would be found in a different venue and that arena found me. Freshmen year of high school, the religion/drama/speech and debate teacher heard me singing in the hallway and asked me to audition for the musical. To which I responded, “What’s a musical?” I had no idea what I was getting myself into but that high school production of Little Shop of Horrors at St. Peter Chanel High School opened a world to me that I didn’t know I needed. Fast forward to now where I have a Bachelor of Music degree in Music Theater from Baldwin Wallace University, after getting rejected the first time and having to endure 6 years of undergraduate studies. I’ve coupled that with a Master of Music degree from New York University, graduating during a global pandemic mind you. There’s so much more to this story but I only got 600 words, y’all!

Ambiance: He Heals Me by India.Aire

Written circa VDAY 2021

With the new blessing, straight from the throne of the gracious and merciful God that is Disney+, we’ve all been able to stream every last one of our favorite childhood classics. It’s also been an opportunity to be introduced to new characters that we may have missed along the way or that adulthood told us weren’t relevant to us anymore (or just stream Hamilton!). I have to say that all 29 of my years still love the old faithfuls. I’ve enjoyed having immediate access to Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Snow White, and all the other princesses that have a happily ever after with a valiant prince on a white steed. I noticed that as I’m engulfed in these timeless narratives and I suspend the disbelief of my current reality that is singleness, I find myself craving the feeling of being chosen, fought for, rescued and whisked away in the safety of the arms of new, true love. The softness that overcomes me is a stark difference than the hard, outer shell that I normally wear in order to guard my heart. Don’t get me wrong, the armor of God is necessary as a daily protection against the schemes of the enemy (Ephesians 6) and yes, we are instructed in Proverbs 4:23 to guard our hearts above all else, not allowing our feelings to guide our decisions, but I wonder if my chosen demeanor is counteractive to the gentle spirit that is equated to true beauty in 1 Peter 3:3-5.

Growing up, I never believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. My father was insistent in ensuring that I knew that, “Ain’t no fat, white man coming down my chimney. Me and your mother worked hard for these gifts.” My father is huge on respect and honesty. He didn’t see the sense of going through the motions of fantastical narratives that he deemed unnecessary to my overall development and, knowing that I’d eventually grow out of the belief at some point anyway, he wasn’t interested in cultivating that naiveté. Most instances, I’m very grateful that I never had to deal with, what I’ve seen can be, the brutal transition from reindeers with red noses and egg-laying bunnies to reality. There are times though where I realize that, as a result, I can sometimes be too steeped in reality and my heart is calloused to big dreams that aren’t pragmatic and/or tangible. Being an actor does help. Knowing that I am created for allowing myself in indulge in other worlds that are different than my own has helped to make the muscle of imagination extremely malleable. Still, I can’t ignore the tenderness I feel when watching 90-minute idealistic love stories; but are they just that, idealistic? Is there any ounce of reality there and why does it so readily affect me? 

Reality or at least what I perceive as reality quickly rushes in as the credits roll. I say things like, “Must be nice.” Or “Nyla, don’t go down that rabbit hole. That is a movie. It doesn’t happen that way.” I understand reality to be passionate, conditional, temporal worldly love, especially when coming from another flawed human being, but reality is also that even in my singleness, I am already seen, heard, and chosen. I have been fought for, rescued and will soon be whisked away in the safety of the arms of an eternal love. Oh, and the valiant prince on a white steed did not originate in the Disney classics. 

Revelations 19:11-16 (MSG) reminds us, “Then I saw Heaven open wide - and oh! a white horse and its Rider. The Rider, named Faithful and True, judges and makes war in pure righteousness. His eyes are a blaze of fire, on his head many crowns. He has a Name inscribed that’s known only to himself. He is dressed in a robe soaked in blood, and he is addressed as “Word of God.” The armies of Heaven, mounted on white horses and dressed in dazzling white linen, follow him. A sharp sword comes out of his mouth so he can subdue the nations, then rule them with a rod of iron. He treads the winepress of the raging wrath of God, the Sovereign-Strong. On his robe and thigh is written, King of kings, Lord of lords.”

Ambiance: Breathe by Maverick City ft. Jonathan McReynolds

Written: circa 2020

Y’all, I struggle with resting well. Anybody with me? Even as I type this, I can hear my friend Caitlyn’s words ringing in my ear. “Nyla, we were built for 24 hours on rest ever week. A day of nothing.” I have to talk myself into rest. I stand in the bathroom mirror and say affirmations like, “I am a vessel for the transformational power of the word of God when I exercise regularly, REST EFFICIENTLY, and eat well.” and “I show gratitude for the fullest extent of the activity of my limbs by strengthening my body through consistent exercise, RESTING when necessary.” Biblical reminders like Leviticus 19:30, Jeremiah 17:20-25 and Matthew 11:28-30 often convict my heart, imploring me to rest, respecting God’s provision of solace for His children. 

It has to be bigger than my preference for me to heed the need for efficient rest. I must be reminded that regularly regimented, effectually efficient, plotted pauses bring me closer to who God has created me to be. Why? Rest shows God that I’m not solely reliant on my works to bring forth His promises for my life and, if I’m honest, I lose sight of that sometimes. I forget that the world’s “grind or die” mentality counters God’s best for His children. We are His children and rest is His gift to us. Did you know that? I have to be honest in saying that I often forget sometimes that rest and peace are included in the promise that He died to ensure we access and experience.

I have missed the mark in trusting that when I rest, it is best. That weight of exhaustion is heavy. We will miss what God is doing if we don’t take time to stop, take inventory, recalibrate toward purpose, and then begin again. If I am burnt out and overworked, I’m just not as effective in the assignment that is supposed to be drawing me more toward the ultimate goal, which is being a beacon of light toward Heaven for those around me. I’m not reflecting the design of the covenant that is given to us through Jesus if I’m not resting well. Sheesh! That just got me all the way together while typing it.

Let’s take inventory together! Are there moments where you felt the need to rest and pushed through anyway? Why? Did you feel the pressure of your occupational superior to get it done? Was it the pride that you knew you’d feel once you finished? Could you have worked smarter and not harder in that moment? Would the outcome have been better had you rested when necessary and came back to it?

Let’s commit to resting well together. Maybe we should schedule rest like we do every other activity. Would that help you to put it in the calendar? Do you need 10 minute meditation periods throughout the day or wide pockets of rest at the end of the day? Do you need a full rest day of just you and God time? Exercising my “no” has helped me too. Do you overcommit and regret it sometimes? Been there! Pray over your schedule this week and ask God to illuminate some things that can be eliminated or even just rearranged to ensure that you are maximizing divinely crafted rest.

It’s bigger than a nap here and there. We need to know that real respite is a radical expression of reliance because it is opposite of the norm. Cultural rhythms of nonstop performance and production directly conflict with how we are supposed to limit labor for maximum kingdom usage. We are called to function differently. Our unhurried stride toward success must include space for standing still and, in the stillness, God does His best work.

“Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes! 

Ambiance: Hunger by David & Nicole Binion

Welcome back, Nyla! I want to be more intentional about blogging so I decided to pick this one back up. Long time, no see, Tumblr.

In recent financial despair, Nyla the Nanny has had to make a comeback to ensure that I can stay afloat as I end this year of unemployment. (I don't know what's next per say but something's coming.) Second nap time is among us and in that I seen myself something crazy.

I'm currently in a spiritual recalibration with a goof friend of mine and the need for submission is calling like crazy and the parallels were uncanny. The fight to do anything but rest is exactly where I was and I saw myself in this little one. Fighting sleep. Fighting rest. Fighting the call to succumb to a divine ease, a change of pace. I tear up at I type because y'all as crazy as it seems, I've grown to ENJOY hard. IT makes me feel capable. It affirms my lack of laziness. It makes me deify my work ethic and in that, God is calling me to put it down.

Change is scary, especially when it's linked to the reality that you have to follow because you've never been this way before. You have passed the test and now, it's time to enter into new territory that requires new tactics, new strategies and new reliance.

I leaned into Joshua 2 & 3 , as recommended by a friend and it's the last few instructions before entering into the promised land and trusting that the enemies will be pushed back before you. Two passages snag my attention, Chapter 2 verses 10 & 11 and Chapter 3 verses 2 through 5. Both require that God before you. He had to enter in first to ensure that in your victory, they know it's HIM who gets the glory and not you. Also, you have to continue to follow because you've never been this way before. I have never been this way before.

God is in control!

Honestly, that statement for me (until recently) was not a source of peace or rest. It was a statement of my inadequacy as I compared myself to the omniscient, omnipresent Savior of the World. (Who do i think I am?) You all know by now that I really struggle with control issues and in this season, the more I get to know God and submit to Him for real for real, the more I see that “God is in control.” is the best slogan for my life is adopt.

Let’s address the elephant in the room. “HEY YALL!” Long time, no write. I know. I know! I still have 5 more gratitudes to handle and THEY ARE COMING! I promise. I will for sure finish that article but in the mean time, if you want to hear more from me, go to radiant.nyc! Ya girl is a published and I even officially joined the team as a regular writer. Exciting stuff, huh? Okay! Back to my Ted Talk:

Small failures ate away at me yesterday as I scrambled through the day because I ignored a soul urging to shower before I ate my last meal. Instead, I fell into an old habit and let the excitement of food lead the way. It was the middle of the day and I had been on a roll with letting God lead. I woke up early and got my haircut at 6a. I made my walk to and from the barbershop my “outdoor workout” for 75 Hard. I did my 45 minute indoor workout and crushed it. I was flying high. 

I’m working on a book, y'all and that’s when things got a little murky. The devil is real and he hates our submission to Jesus so he be trying it. I swear every time I sit down to write this book, there is a major distraction. You would think that I would clock it and avert the schemes and plots (and I will moving forward) but a friend called and I answered and it ate up almost an hour of my book time. Mind you, this is my responsibility so I’m not blaming my friend but I’m like “Really, Nyla?” And this isn’t the first time this has happened.

The day continues and God said, “Get in the shower NOW!” I instead rationalize eatting my last meal to get that out the way because, well, food! I get up to put my plate in the sink and OF COURSE my roommate goes in the bathroom and I hear the water turn on. NNNNOOOOO! Now, I’m in a panic. I have an entire itinerary for the rest of the day that is perfectly timed out and if I could’ve showered immediately after my meal, all would've been well BUT GOD KNEW! And if I would’ve just listened, I wouldn’t have been in a rush to get it all done. 

Now, let us all b reminded, He’s God. So, of course, I’m scrambling and freaking out and as I continue with the deeds of the day, the pace slows down and He redeems the time wasted. I make it EARLY to the voice lesson that I have to teach that evening and the recordings that I need to get done are AMAZING. (I’m submitting to a few voice competitions!) God is in control and because He’s in control when I mess up or don’t listen, His plan still moves forward and I still benefit. There were consequences, absolutely, but because I’m submitted (even in my control issues), He continues to extend that AMAZING GRACE!

Man, what a day today has been! I’m stressed. My period starts tomorrow and finals are upon us. As I get through my second to last semester before I graduate with my Masters (!!!), I have to just exude some gratitude in this moment because I’m not feeling it. I’m overeating to cope with the stress. Everything is a bit too tight these days. I’m excited and scared to see what my students are about to bring me this week during finals. I’m watching all my classmates bounce in and out of callbacks because I decided NOT to be in any school productions next semester (with good reason but STILL!) All my friends around me are headed into new chapters of their lives with MAJOR blessings and I’m feeling a tad left behind and I’m just OVER IT. So, not that I got that out my system, it’s time for some gratitude and I thought I’d share. I’m forcing myself to put 10 things out in the world that I’m grateful for because this funk just isn’t cute! I’m supposed to working on a Male Singer Assessment right now that’s due at midnight but I can’t even talk myself into getting started because my brain is all over the place SO, I’m going to do this gratitude exercise, meditate for 10 minutes and then press play on the last episode of the 4th season of Gilmore Girls while I power through this Pedagogy assignment. 

1. Who am I and what is my family that you bless me in this way, Lord? (2 Samuel 7:18 NYLA version) Like a MASTERS at NYU in Voice. Who do I think I am? I am from no man’s land in the middle of the hood in Cleveland and here I am, strutting my oversized stuff in these NYC streets, walking to this world-renowned school everyday, learning how to teach folks out their larynx and stuff. What is my life?

2. I am typing this on a beautiful 15-inch Mac Book pro that I purchased almost 4 years ago that is in beautiful condition. I got the screen fixed for FREE over this past summer and it’s still kicking out assignments and allowing me to live my dreams and helping me teach voice lessons using YouTube tracks because my piano skills are WACK and everything. This has been my dream computer for a WHILE and it’s still everything that I ever thought it would be.

3. Thank you for people who know me and love me and deal with my funk. I left the church that I was visiting today after praise and worship and one of the ministers pulled me to the side and hugged me and prayed with me when she just felt something was OFF. Thanks, Holy Spirit, I needed that! After that, I walked to the train with my friend and was able to vent to her. Went to lunch with a different friend and was able to vent to him. Thanks, Jesus, for those 3 divine appointments that I needed today for my own sanity. 

4. I’m so grateful that I’m not who I used to be and that I would even use this as a platform to host my gratitudes out into the world (because I don’t have social media) and not just throw everything aside and cry and eat and sulk. I am really on a journey to Nyla 3.0 and I see that my practices along the way are manifesting into parts of my character that I really enjoy. Though I have a long way to go, I am so not little Nyla anymore and I really LIKE ME. I like the person who would say, “No! You don’t just get to feel bad all day and NOTHING’S really wrong! Journal it out. Affirm yourself. Find community. Pray! Use the tools that you know, to get you to the place you want to be. 

5. I thank God for a SOUND, RIGHT, STRONG-WILLED mind. As I read back on what I’ve already written, I’m just thankful to be able to spell and construct sound thoughts in sentence format and use noun-verb agreement. There are some who can't, who never learned and who choose to not know, that find it unnecessary and counter-productive to know effective written communication. They find it even to be endearing to misspell words and have a cryptic language all their own. Though it can be dope to have a language that feels like a secret-handshake through text, I love to write. I’m always and forever grateful for my vocabulary that is lush and limited at the same time.

6. 

Okay I know I said 10 but I’m feeling better and I think I want to give myself a reason to come back to let’s stop at 5 for now and I’ll be back tomorrow or probably over the weekend with a finals week update and some more gratitude to through around. 

So many sacrifices have been made to get me to this point in my educational and professional career but there have been major triumphs. Taking the ultimate leap of faith, leaving my family and friends behind in Cleveland, OH, I transitioned my home base to New York City upon graduating from my undergraduate institution in 2014. My first major opportunity presented itself soon after. I had the privilege of being in the ensemble of Lincoln Center’s televised production of Showboat: In Concert with Broadway’s Norm Lewis, the incomparable Vanessa Williams and comedian Fred Willard. Through the ebbs and flows of this unpredictable industry and cycles of unemployment, opportunities continued to arise. With help from my agents and other nontraditional educational endeavors such as the Broadway Dreams Foundation, I’ve had the privilege to perform on platforms all over New York City, across America and even a few televised occurrences. Gigantic the Musical was my off-Broadway debut in 2015, where I played an overweight teenager at a weight-loss camp. Soon after, I joined the North American touring cast of Wicked the Musical and most recently, I toured the country with The Color Purple the Musical. My dreams are alive, and I am more than grateful but I know there is more in me.

Mentorship is something that I have always craved since I was very young and knew my calling. I wanted, even needed and still need, assistance truly shaping the gifts inside of me. I longed for a refined character and to learn from someone else’s mistakes through a personal connection with someone older, more experienced or accomplished. That “been there/done that” mentality helps to navigate the next generation’s trajectory in a way that is so vital to longevity, especially in any entertainment field. There are so many performers who struggle with navigating their fame or even struggle with how to choose their next projects. That leadership is also and more importantly imperative in maintaining your humanity while being a part of this industry and not getting caught up the ideals of fame. As you can see from my journey, I am very hardworking and resourceful and I use what I have to gain as much information as I can. With the lack of that tangible personal guidance professionally, I have created my own version of support. I have what I call “digital mentors”. I created a list of women whose careers and principles I admire and I do my best to invest in them and follow their examples.

The biggest influences on that list have been Audra McDonald and Regina King. They have become two of my greatest living inspirations. These women have dominated multiple mediums of entertainment. They have had longevity in their careers and have created roles of substance. They make impact on and off the stage and the camera, respectively. They have used their platforms to jumpstart initiatives that serve the underserved. They are agents of change. Just by being black women who have exuded excellence in their craft, they are gamechangers. Regina King is not only an award-winning actress, she has helped shape culture by directing shows like Insecure, Being Mary Jane, Scandal and This Is Us. She is producing and creating careers. She has most recently used her platform to initiate a manifesto that will employ more women on the production side of all things entertainment. Audra McDonald continues to blow all our minds. She is a black woman and has won the most Tony Awards of anyone ever! She has won a Tony Award in all the performance categories possible. Her honor for the arts is apparent in her approach to every role she performs. These women are excellent and just by watching them perform, listening to them in interviews and seeing their names in the Playbill or the credits, I am charged to do better. I am charged to wear my skin with pride and I am charged to pave the way for the next little black girl who needs to see me being excellent.

I am so glad that TopTal Scholarships urged me to type this blog. The Empowering the Next Generation of Female Leaders to Change the World Scholarship is an incredible opportunity and I have to be that professional mentor that I didn’t have for future generations. I see a music theater degree program, preferably at an historically black college or university (HBCU), that has direct professional connection to New York City, Los Angeles, Atlanta, Chicago, Philadelphia and international markets that funnels capable performers into a growing profession. These performers will be proficient in voice for the stage, screen and commercial. They will be dancers in every genre. They will be actors with solid technique. They will create and change and challenge art and its boundaries. They will create trends and shape culture. They will be household names, business moguls and revolutionaries. I have learned through countless mentorship programs, community outreach ventures and education collectives that I not only want to be on stage winning the awards, I also want to have cultivated a lineage of winners. That is success. That is the vision.

If you know Nyla then you know that I feel things very deeply and I can go from 0 - 100 in tears in a second. 

Man, I just watched The Best Worst Thing To Ever Happen on Netflix and I am at that place, contemplating every decision I have ever made and questioning my entire existence. This documentary about the making of the musical “flop” Merrily We Roll Along really puts into perspective the highs and lows of the business that I have chosen to call my home. Performing by vocation is a risky business but is for sure a business first. How invigorating when you can make money doing what you love but also how damaging when doing what you love isn’t yielding the results you thought it would.

It becomes this crazy rollercoaster of a relationship between dreams and reality. You are stuck in this purgatory between what you deem as heaven and hell because you can’t possibly think of being anyone other than a dreamer but your dreams have you hungry and sharing ramen and half an avocado with your best friend who is a dreamer too. Your reality is the farthest from your dream than it ever has been but you’re choosing to endure because....well “someday”, whenever that is, the stars will align and your name will be in lights. Though that’s not everybody’s reality, the ups and downs of this business feel like it is. 

It’s easy to feel alone too because God forbid you call your family and tell them they were right in their negativity tower your career choice or you get the nerve to ask for anything. Their unsupportive nature was a motivating factor in you taking the big leaping the first place. You thought it was empowering to feel like you were taking the leap no one else was brave enough to take. You thought you were breaking generational curses, being an example to the youngins coming up after you. You wanted to prove them wrong and become a star. In the moment, you resent your reality because you feel like you’re proving them right and you resent them for even thinking that your reality would end up like this...but the truth is...it is what it is.

I, like actually Nyla Watson, am on track to start grad school in a few weeks (if these student loan people quit playing games. lol). At the beginning of this documentary, I actually texted my life coach and said, “I’m so in my feelings. I want to be a ⭐️!” Lol! I could feel it. I felt the excitement of the youngsters in the documentary, performing on Broadway for the first time with ICONS in this business. Could you imagine Stephen Sondheim writing a song for you? WHAT?! Legendary! I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it but I felt it. I felt the anticipation, the camaraderie, the expectancy, the excitement. I wanted what they had until...

Let’s just say by the end of it, I was honored to be apart of this platform and to be making art for a living but grad school didn’t sound so bad. I’ll definitely be watching that again and again throughout my career, continuing to challenge my perspective and motivations. I just needed a minute.

Peace and Love, family.

Guys, so I just updated my website and while looking at the task pane, I saw that I could add my blog to my brand. Why not? I love the good ol’ American right to Free Speech and it would give those who actually look at my website a glimpse into my brain. I think this might be mad interesting.

Anyway, while adding my blog to queennyla.com (shameless plug), I realized that I hadn’t posted in a while AND that my last post was about intentionality. I didn’t think it a coincidence. So, after updating my website (which took less time than I thought), I thought I’d hop over here and just put SOMETHING into the world. Not really the most intentional thing ever but like WHY NOT! I have the time and I always have something to say; so just get it out.

I’m big on talking about my faults. Maybe I’m a debbie downer but I tend to be more focused on the things I need to work on or the things that I have yet to accomplish than actually praising myself for the things I have done. In working with my life coach, I’ve realized that I do really enjoy being nice to myself. I have DEFINITELY stretched the intentionality muscle on being more proud of who I am and the little accomplishments that I make during the day. 

I went to Barry’s Bootcamp yesterday with some of my co-workers and, though I don’t love the combination of the focus that comes with working out and the act of camaraderie, it was the best I’d done on the treadmill during Barry’s in...well...ever! Though I side-eyed a few people when they wanted to high-five, I did tell myself how proud I was and give myself a little smile in the mirror. Thanking my body for carrying me through workouts is a little ritual I adopted from taking so much SoulCycle. Lol! It’s all about the positivity and so it helps me to thank my limbs. I have to get used to the people part.

When I starting getting serous about working out in high school (my first round of weigh loss that I’ve now gained back in abundance), I worked out with my little brother and there was no talking or high-fiving. It was come to work, get to work and then a “good work” at the end. We had our own sets of headphones and barely talked during the workout. Though he and his wife are one of my best friends (I count them as one.) and they know my emotional inner workings, when it came to the workOUT, focus and discipline for each other during the workout was the support one needed to get through it. IDK. Maybe it helps me to just dive head first for 60 minutes and then come up for air when it’s over but I feel more guerrilla when I’m not saying “Good job, girl!” after every round.

Just a slight vent, family.

Peace and love.

I haven’t blogged in a minute but I need to get this out of me and journalling this one just wasn't enough plus, I’m challenging myself to write more formally in the public eye, beyond a Facebook status. I so enjoy writing and the usage of words to expand my limits and you’d never know it for real for real, right? I’ve been so unintentional about writing regularly for the public eye. I mean I journal all the time but where’s the accountability if I’m always laid across the bed journaling or making lists that no one ever sees, ever reads and never calls me out on. Beyond #socialmedia land, there is a world where accountability in real life really changes you by anchoring you to your goals and charging you with consistent intentionality.

Every single sermon that I’ve watched this week, has brought up the word INTENTIONAL in one form or another. Intentionality is such a big word when actually applied to the life that you have, especially when CONSISTENT intentionality would bring that life that God has called us to. UGH! I roll my eyes thinking about all the things that have fallen by the waste-side, never getting done, or are lacking tremendously effort and could’ve or can be super successful but I’ve been lazy. I’m tired of it because there’s just so much potential for success. There’s just so many business ventures, books, blog posts or relationship advances that could’ve been BRILLIANT additions to my life or the life of others and just aren’t a thing because I SUCK. No! No! No!

Man! You begin to really realize how jacked up free will is. How God will urge you to do something that because of fear or laziness or poor life management, nothing gets done or you just stop. Like what is that. It makes me want to track the steps between idea conception, starting and the trail-off or complete stopping. Is it discouragement? Is it laziness? I don’t know but whatever it is, NO MORE! I have great ideas that matter to me and can truly change my life and the life of others and they are just in my brain or buried in my Notes on my phone or bounced between friends, never to be seen again. Such valuable waste! 

Balance is key in so much of this. Being able to know when you need to focus on your PURPOSE PROJECTS and when to tap back into the chill of it all is MAJOR. Of course, that’s my biggest issue! I struggle with the all or nothing syndrome. I will go IN on something, for a long time even, and then when the chill comes, I just ... STOP! I fall into the slump and the project, as purposeful as it is, gets neglected for months, even years. Okay, Nyla so what’s the shift looking like? We get the gist of this.

I’ve been laying out intentions like crazy lately which is not something I’ve ever done. I don’t normally write down my dreams and aspirations because I’m always afraid that they won’t happen and then I’ll be wrong or defeated but my perspective has shift. As many of you know I watch a sermon a day and a lot of people have been talking about vessels, laying out vessels and being a vessel. There are for sure specific things that God has laid out for us to do and I’m starting to believe that in taking limits off of our situation through the will of God, we have to lay out EVERYTHING before Him. Then, that’s when the faith and the trust comes in. The jars that He fills, run toward those and the jars the He doesn’t, you know weren’t for you but at least fear, anxiety, discouragement or comparison didn’t stop you from laying it out. So, I’ve been laying it all out before God and He’s been showing up and showing out. Even in this small act of blogging today, I realize this is a drop in the jar of authorship. There was extra time added to my day, flying from NYC to Tempe, AZ for work, and there was time to set up an “office” in my hotel and just get it out. God is amazing.

I wonder if there are jars that you could lay before God and see if He fills them. I wonder if you’ve left something in the past that is still apart of God’s blueprint for you that you need to pick back up and execute. Has God laid something on your heart while reading this that you KNOW is you’re to create, restructure or finish? Let’s do it together. Let’s write the vision. Let’s strategize. Let’s be INTENTIONAL and let’s FINISH! Man this feels good, pray that it lasts. 

Peace and love, family.

Best friends, they say, are those people who know everything about you and love you anyway. Well, my best friends completely and totally live up to their job description because they get Nyla “QueenNyla” Watson, uncut, unfiltered, and most times undressed. #insider I love them ALOT! Sometimes more than I think is healthy at times. lol! Anywho, in being surrounded by my best friends, these people are also CHOSEN and it baffles me that after seeing me that way, they still choose me. They are some of the wisest, smartest, grounded, Bible-living folks I have in my life and in that we hold each other EXTREMELY accountable but in the most loving, non-convicting way. Everything is said, even if you don’t want to hear it at the time or if you receive it in gratitude 6 months later. We don’t hold back. We are honest with holding our own and each other’s lives up to the word of God.

Today, I was on the receiving end of some of that jarring reality and I was in that “I don’t want to deal with this” headspace because, IN PRIDE, I thought I was doing everything right and in no way in need of redirection or revelation. WRONG! My best friend, Candice, got me all the way together and I had to swallow the hard pill that I, QUEENNNYLA THE GREAT, deal with PRIDE! WHAT?!?! ME!!! NOOO!!! lol! I’m a mess. It’s so crazy because in God giving me real, wise, humbling conversation with my best friend about a project that I’m working on I felt completely deflated, dejected and STUPID! Why?! I felt all of these things because I wasn’t expecting her to make me think deeper and study harder. I was expecting her to agree. I was expecting her to think it was a brilliant idea and sing my praises like everybody else I told about the idea. NOT My Candice! She went to work. She went straight to the nitty gritty. 

I totally should’ve expected this because why wouldn’t she?! 

1. That is what our friendship is about.

2. It was all in necessary benefit to the fruition of my project.

3. I hadn’t sought out wise council AT ALL in developing this idea and how did I expect it to be a success without that.

4. In talking to her, my defense mechanism kicked in and I wanted to say all my reasons why this was still brilliant and why she should just agree.

JUST SAD! PRIDEFUL IS ME ALL DAY! It’s so crazy because we got off the phone and I promise the Lord through light into my mental cloudiness and so many instances of PRIDE replayed in my head. What’s even more DIVINE is that my Pastor talked about pride on Sunday and I was so confused on how this applied to me. Welp, Lord, thank you for the rude awakening. I thought I was ARRIVING! Who do I think I am?! 

I’ve been on this BOMB journey to self, where I am holding my life up to scripture. I’m in the life-coaching sessions. I’m reading my word daily. I’m doing the bible plans. I’m watching the sermons. I’m doing the application. I’m DOING THE WORK...so I thought! God always raises the standard. We are consistently striving. I’ll be honest, the first thing I thought was SOMETHING ELSE, REALLY?! WHY?! I’m working so hard in these areas and now you’re shining light on another broken piece that I need to surrender, another blemish of humanity that separating me from You. (I should’ve been more grateful. Ugh!) This is going to be a rough one too because it’s seriously so much of who I am. Not wanting to be questioned because I’m grown, thinking I’m above certain consequence because stuff like that doesn’t happen to me, blaming others for my issues because I’m better than that, not being empathetic to others because if I’m doing the work, they should be too. UGH! Just so ugly and not even being willing to recognize it.