My PD Life

Me: uh oh *pulls out DBT workbook and flips to the interpersonal relationship section*

Person: ...

My in-patient DBT programme is over now. It was up and down and up and down down down and up again. I’ll try to sum it up for you and I’m really sorry for how long this post may become. The eating programme was horrible, I hated it. We were only two patients there, and the other was at a much darker point in her eating disorder than I was. Plus, there was always one nurse on our table to watch us and this made me pretty angry (I had issues with a lot of the nurses, my psychologist said this was most likely because of my passive-aggressive pd traits).

The DBT group was much better, I learned quite a bit from it, I guess. I’m probably going to post some particular DBT stuff that has helped me personally later, if you guys are interested in that.

But what helped me the absolute most was being in contact with the other patients. I never thought I would meet so many wonderful people there and make such good friends (I’m going more into detail about my friendships there in a separate post somewhen next week). I also had something going on with a boy (me with a boy, WTF, I know!). They all helped me to see that I do not have to be an asshole to protect myself from the people around me, that, if I stay positive and open and kind, it will attract people who are the same. And so on. I started taking walks and sometimes, one of my friends would go with me. We cuddled this beautiful cat whenever we met her. One of my friends dyed my hair pink.

Oh, and the doctor got me pills that, for the most part, are making things easier for me. Fluctine, 60mg per day.

My diagnose now: combined personality disorder with emotionally unstable, passive-aggressive and avoidant traits, recurrent depressive disorder and EDNOS. I was so shocked they first told me the results from my pd test (bc the test said that I had every single personality disorder that was tested, except for histrionic pd and schizotypic pd), but they assured me that’s only bc the symptoms tend to overlap and that I shouldn’t worry too much about the results anyway.

Hey, as I mentioned in my latest personal post, I like it quite a lot so far (but I must say, I only had one DBT group last week!). What I’d recommend is: if it’s your first time in DBT, it’s best to go in-patient (since it’s a lot easier to practice mindfulness and new ways of coping in a ‘safe space’, with some distance from your ‘old life’).

Also me: sees literally any other human being

So first off, the Halloween party was a lot of fun. A little strange, too, and I drank a little too much, but I was enjoying the party and met some new people. I’m glad I went there for my last ‘weekend of freedom’.

And since I’ve been asked that a lot: my in-patient stay is good so far. I mean, my feelings are still up and down and up and down again, but even though I’ve been there for just three days, I feel like it’s already helping me a little. 

For homework for example, I’ve got to identify the skills I’ve already been using in the past, and I’m surprised by how many there are. I always thought I used about zero skills. 

The other DBT and Schema patients are very kind and we all support one another, I really like that. I never knew something like that before in my life. 

The only bummer is, that I was supposed to take part in the eating program, but then I decided against it, and now I’ve already lost quite some weight and I’m having a difficult time eating enough. I still have to write down what I’ve eaten each day and if I’ve eaten a full meal, only half of it or nothing at all, or if I purged. So I’ll probably have another chat about this mess on Monday or so.

I’m pretty productive at the moment, and I’m stepping out of my own comfort zone a lot.

I agreed on a goodbye-party in the bookshop I’ve worked at until this Tuesday, and even baked some lemoncurd filled cupcakes. And I’m so glad I didn’t talk my co-workers out of it because it was such a lovely evening. I almost teared up when I opened the gifts they had bought me, because they got just exactly what I like and it was all so thoughtful of them (I got three sketchbooks in A5, A4, and A3 for example, which I really really needed).

And as you can tell by the pictures, I’ve really taken up drawing again. Mostly still all pencil though, but I’ve started experimenting with watercolours as well. And on the bottom left you can see my first ever sculpture made out of modeling paste, paper maché, one huge nail and a cube of wood. I didn’t throw a tantrum when something didn’t come out perfectly, which is a huge progress.

Which may be because of the girl I already mentioned, we text a lot and she studies art and encourages me to keep going. I’m texting with a lot of new people these days, and I’m loving it. Next weekend I’m going to meet some of them for the first time, at some LGBTQ+ Halloween party (I’m excited, and not even all that anxious yet. Yey!).

me: *sees someone else's art*