ARTificial

Im rambling. But it's okay. I just got off hot debate with someone abt this on insta. Hhhh.

Bless 2017 for giving me many opportunity to draw. Some of them. #biaralaala #2017bestnine #iwantyouyouwantme ~

---- idk what's wrong w/ me. So pathetic. I feel so offended by her questions yesterday and even hated her a little, and then the very next day i found my self write a long apologize text to her? What did this said abt me?  I should feel offended and sad. Because that is true, the things she said and asked is really offensive and im feeling attacked. The thing is, i wont know if me react so strongly of it is because of my believe, or because that's the reasonable thing that will happen to everyone when their everyday thing being question, when something they held as the truth being asked. Or is it because deep down i knew there's some slice of truth in there (or just a lack of confirmation abt the otherwise) that makes me react so strongly. Because i always did react like that when there's some ugly truth being thrown to my face. Something that i tried very hard to ignored and not acknowledged. Because even i need to admit it, there's too much hole there and lack of reading at my part and the no absolute truth part and the wavering believe. It's too much and it scared me and it makes me second-guessing everything all over again and turned out, i am pissed. At her. So it keeps looping around my head, sour my mood, and keeps me on verging tears. Her questions keeps making me squirms and make me uncomfortable in my skin. And this thoughts turns to how i did answer her question that day. If I even did justice with it and give her an answer worthy to throw away that offensive question? Or just made it worse, made it so she looks at me different, made it so i am confirming her accusation is right, and i should know better, and when turned i am not, i suddenly does not fit into her assumption about me anymore. And it a lil terrifying. Because, you see, if my answers is insufficient, then she will take it that her offensive question has some truth in it (which rages me on and want to slaps her again). And i feel it in my bone that my answer is the nothing near sufficient. It felt defensive and weak and bordering insulting, i guess. And it makes me look lame and close-minded and i dont like it. By God I really dont like it. That's why I wanted her to stop. Dont ever discussed this kind of thing again with me, because I cannot promise her that i wont feel offended. And to do that, to tell her that, i wont ever, in my life, taking the brave road. I wont ever tell it to her, with a clear words and warning. Never. I am a coward, and a passive-aggressive bitch, who would use a disguising method to get across my plea and warning. That is why I am gonna apologize to her, for my defensive answers and maybe talk abt how i sorry i am for not being open-minded with this kind of thing. This way, i wont come across like someone who can take defeat with grace and she wont repeat this kind of question in the future. Is it a coward way? To avoid things like this instead of talking it through so that question being answered enough or, if cannot, just asked her simply to stop? Yes. It is a cowardly way. But is it better? Is it the only thing that can make me sleep better at night? Yes, i think so. I'll take it instead of another limbo between pissed off and insecure at night. Also, maybe, at the end, it is just me making a big deal out of what simply an everyday queries. Huh. What's new?------

Title: A Daydream Away Made: 2017

Just read kuroshitsuji 129. It got me like AW! AW! DAMMIT! Suspected it but didnt really believe it. Even now I still think it's some kind of trick pulled by that bling-bling-shine-bright-like-a-diamond boy to attack on Ciel(and I just firmly believe that somehow there's gonna be undertaker there somewhere pulling those strings). But that doesnt mean that Ciel didnt hide something crucial from the reader (even from Sebastian) because he has those memories from when he's in the cage where it looked like (when I first noticed it, and now about 97% sure) Ciel has sacrificed someone to gain his power. Maybe it's himself, like some kind of symbolism and shit, or maybe someone else. And I even think it has something to do with Vincent. It has to. Not only because all those comments about him being so similar to his father that lately been dished out so many times much to Ciel's irksome is most likely a hint, but also, I would like to bet that there must be a Vincent in those photo Agni's been seeing. Or maybe it's not even Ciel's twin. What if it is Vincent? A young Vincent? *gasp* There's a possibility, you know, what with Undertaker's obsession with him (and I'm a little suspicious that all Undertaker's action to make these living dead thing is to found out about prolong someone's life or even to resurrect a dead one--yes, I do mean Vincent's). But I dont really buy it's Vincent, you know, because from what I see, Ciel (and Ciel twin)'s appearance is based on her mother. Their droppy eyes and light hair, where Vincent has more darker shades. So, if it is Vincent, idk, will Ciel's blood makes that much difference? What really bother me is, I just done catching up with this series again after a year and half absent, and I had to come in the middle of things? Like how much worse my arrival can be? :/ Why didnt I came where all those secrets been revealed? Instead I came exactly where things hanging precariously in the cliffhanger. So damn inconvenient! Dammit! Bad timing is bad! (I even do the same thing with Akagami no Shirayukihime, where I catching up a chapter too soon, right where Zen would met Shirayuki after months of updates nothing happens. Again, dammit!)

And it scares me. How can I live with someone, how can I endured someone, if they can turn me into someone like this? How can I let someone be close to me, if their opinion, their little things can get to me like this? It’s so frightening. And I cannot imagine how I can survived it. How people can do these things?