My Born Blog

My slogan is I’m winging it, but really I want to be winning it, yes I know ,part of any Childs development  if they have special needs can be unknown because they can have delays in development   , but when you struggle to meet most targets ,it starts to get you down , I want it all ,yes that’s right I do, why not? , I want a target met just one , I mean a biggy , I need that energy for the next phase, his first year of school is almost over and surprise surprise our targets haven’t moved much , and that’s ok but I need a new energy .

Its so easy to look back with the mum guilt and think, why didn’t I push that a bit more or Change my strategy there , that’s over thinking about the future and targets for you I know lots of other SEN parents also guilty of this 🌈🌈🌈

I’m not taking anything away from Oscar he has for him made excellent progress this year with the difficulties he faces , his Autism , his anxiety , and epilepsy ,I’m pretty sure places him in the  complex category😶 although know ones actually ever said what level they feel he is at , I think it’s too early to say I think he’s still climbing he’s riding slowly 👍,his school really have set achievable targets for him and he is slowly improving ,but as his mum I have short term targets and longer term ones .

So currently his short term targets are on track the longer term ones, at points if I’m honest feel a million miles away ,and are not measured by any means , I do want to be that mum that can say ‘Oscar used to only drink from a bottle’ or tell a story about how I successfully made a transition for him like the toilet ,or Big boy bed ,all the things I had the beauty of taking for granted with my other children ,in short I want to be that mum that can say how far he has come in real  measure, and have real big wow moments and show off about it😂 , I think we will🥇 looking back he has come so very very far ,and maybe I’m being greedy but ........ 

 I want to be that mum  ,that can reflect on her difficulties with fondness ,as she now has calmer days, I want to be that mum , that’s  mum goals 🤘

In Autism, most progressions I find, is met by a new challenge, but looking back we do celebrate the small things🌟🌈,I hope we never stop that , I’m really really proud of oscar and grateful for all the support we have and the input that people supply , but as his mum I think it’s ok to say I didn’t come all this way just to be ok , I want to be more than ok in the end , I want to look back and think , yes that was hard but I’m glad I didn’t give up it’s my fuel💙

Many parents feel there not doing enough for there kids in general , add a special needs kid in the mix and you can easily add at least 50 things into that list, it’s a guilt thing it comes as part of the territory, guilt for your other kids, guilt for not pushing targets earlier , guilt for not being proactive enough, guilt for not getting the amazing private therapy you have sooner, guilt in general I think Ive painted a clear enough picture my own guilts.😶

I should have persisted a bit more when he was younger with transitions  , as now he’s older things are harder, and my other main one is my other kids , as although given a choice they wouldn’t change oscar , I think they would change the level of control Autism has on our house , our schedule and our freedom! 

So yeh juggling balls, some days I keep them all in the air , somedays I’m just holding them , but each day brings new challenges and triumphs for us  , starting a business was always on the horizon for me , it’s just who I am ,plus I’m far too sweary to be an employee!

Born anxious has a purpose so it’s keeping me busy and ticking some emotional boxes too , that with having three kids all going in separate directions much faster than comfort allows , being a house wife and about to begin a renovation project!!!! Some might say I’m a product of my own maddness!  but my philosophy is a simple one , keep moving don’t look back , try to always be positive ,be yourself and make the best of what you have , I think it’s working! I seem to be being well received ,my be kind message is growing and right now ,outside of mumming, I’m doing ok I think! 

I can’t abide negativity, don’t get me wrong I have days we’re im a right eggy cow, usually down to lack of sleep, but to be negative in thought must be a prison sentence ,and it breeds , it’s the spice of life I suppose everyone has an opinion but sometimes I sit back and think, really? Can there be no positives? I find that impossible to believe ., that’s people in general on mass, not only SEN  parents, if anything the SEN parents I talk too are making more effort to be positive, despite adversity in their own lives, and I think it’s because, these people actually have real worries, and they have a comparison it truly is state of mind.🌟🌟🌟🌟

We have had some press coverage lately which is amazing, and with having such a strong message it’s bound to stir up opinions, and there all welcome the negative ones are minimal and to be honest although they don’t ignite any reply from me , I kind of thank them because they remind me why I’m building my support army ,and spreading our be kind message, the positive feedback drives me full force to continue my advocacy for autism awareness, invisible disability awareness and diversity in general and being kind is absolutely free 🌟

Since our Autism diagnosis which is a diagnosis for the parents too, the entire family in fact, not because you have it obviously, but you sign up on that day to embrace it , we did anyway, it was digested and we decided to force ourselves to begin accepting that the lives we perhaps had planned out , where not going to be the lives we had mapped out, which for some is a huge huge blow, for me personally I didn’t really have much of a plan except be the best parent and role model I could be , which is still possible with Autism in the picture, I always should have had a big life plan but I was never really sure what I wanted to do at school , I wasn’t really good at anything , not really no big talents , except people, I have great people skills and I love people , oh and writing songs and poetry , my grandad was a published poet I think I inherited his skills there .

So in school I was more worried about the social scene not particularly excelling in learning, I scrapped by , I went on to study childcare then got a job that was it really .

 I met my husband at 19 again , we went to primary school together , we used to kiss under the desks ! But he was very popular with all the girls ,it was a childhood sweetheart thing  , we were together for 4 years before our first child was born, set up home about a year in and we’re solid, but together we didn’t have big dreams not really, I think happiness and family were key, we are both from tight knit families.

We were happy to see what life threw at us and remain the same , perhaps more ambitious now in business and property , securing the futures of our children by making sensible decisions , we are very grounded and don’t take risks , if we can afford it we buy it , and we plan holidays in the same way , Brendan works very hard we are lucky 🍀.

Friendships   

  We have been a couple now for over 20 years, we have many joint friends and we have both held a few friends from school that we keep in touch with , I think it’s easier for girls to keep in contact, we share more relatable life experiences through our children and our lives are more sociable .

I think life takes over when you have kids especially when one has additional needs , I’m not saying we only need each other , social relationships are so important but in moderation.

 Special needs parenting opens new avenues to make new friends ,perhaps with people you wouldn’t have met before and that very much is so comforting ,and really a big family and network of support , my heart is very much full in this respect . 

As I’m a real people person, I’ve met many good friends that are very special to me that I cherish, but I’m aware I’m not the friend I was  , and that’s because I’m not the girl I was , parenting is selfless yes ,but special needs parenting is another level, it’s parent promotion🌟exhausting, rewarding, a lifetime  plan and it’s not optional , being a friend a real friend I don’t think has any expectations , those that have had, are long gone and there’s been a few , one friendship particular that just disintegrated through no doing of mine, and no bad blood it just dissolved and there’s no hard feelings, you can’t dwell you have to think, life’s a book years are chapters some people get written out of the story through natural causes , there’s really no point in looking behind you, not if your going forward 💙   

To all my friends ( the 4 of you😂) I love you all, sorry for no more wild nights out with big hair and red lippy, I’m needed back here at home just incase Oscar wakes up , you see he requires 24/7 care I can’t pass the responsibility on to anyone else as it’s only me that will do , I know your parents yourselves and I know you know how to love endlessly, however special needs parenting means we are constantly on the verge of breakthrough in development or total breakdown ! , and I won’t risk missing anything so for that I’m sorry .

Im also sorry, not sorry for the list below

Not  being as free to make plans, or go on nights out dancing and boozing .

Not responding or sending enough texts

Not being available to talk shit on the phone for hours .( I did love that)

Not being thoughtful enough on birthdays  

Not being able to attend many events  

Talking about autism awareness too much or about autism all the time .

Being  a shadow of who you made friends with in the first place.

Not  arranging any trips/ parties for big celebrations ( I used to be a good hostess ) 

Not being able to meet up in school holidays in crowded places  

Not being able to discuss any tv series as Ive not seen it yet!  

And in general just not being that relaxed in your company and being preoccupied  .

And  mostly sorry, not sorry for putting my special needs son above everything, even myself , I know you understand so for now you can enjoy the 1% of me that’s available .

I've hung up my dancing shoes until oscar is an adult 💙 

oh and lastly sorry if I’m a bit samey these days  .

We all have a journey this is mine ,Thankyou all for the parts you play , you make me stronger 💙 

  I don’t have two heads but this is the usual view

Although short breaks are lovely , days out too, you end up packing the same amount I feel as if your leaving overnight!!! Planning for every scenario, over planning possibly , because a full on Autistic meltdown carries anxiety for me ,if it’s in public because Oscar totally looses it and he’s so loud ,  So we plan ahead make a social story , pack a to do bag for the car , a fully charged kindle tablet and a spare , snacks, drinks , comforts! That’s just for the journey !!!! As were at an age where everything is no ,his anxiety about doing things is huge ,everything is no, you have to slide everything in sideways , he’s busy on his tablet then, oh look where  inside the zoo! Kind of thing .🌟sometimes less is more, no hype just be doing it .

My approach is partly because once he is over the anxiety of going somewhere new, he usually enjoys it , we use social stories on the way with no words just to look at ,there just to plant the idea of that trip, but in all honesty, if he decides no he’s not going, then that’s it , he’s not in the mindset to enjoy himself and he will kick off and scream all day ,which ruins things for the other children , and it’s all fear, he’s fine if you can occupy him for the first part .🎉

We have recently been to Disney land Paris , Oscar loves it there, and has been around 6 times😶 , each day he wants to begin with small world ride, then he’s happy to explore others and again on way home, the small world ride, we find this is easy to do this, he enjoys the ride and he’s happy for the rest of the day , we have to check before we book Disney that the ride is open, as he wouldn’t understand if it was closed , we would postpone the trip I think , just because he loves it so much . 

This weekend was bank holiday Oscar woke Sunday in a terrible mood ! As if to say ‘why am I not at Disney! He refused to get dressed until lunchtime and even that was a struggle!!!! he wouldn’t even go in the garden he was doing an audit of his books, he totally refused to go anywhere , a  meal next door at Nana’s with family which he usually loves, he just wasn’t feeling it so we decided to take the dinner in shifts, and leave oscar in his safe space  , to be honest he still wasn’t that happy at home, We decided to get his bouncy castle out as the weather was good and invite everyone to ours for dessert, as we had a birthday to celebrate ( another love of oscars ) and he was very happy to be having cake and candles and singing ,he ended up playing in the garden all afternoon on the castle and interacting with everyone , he was totally relaxed and loved it , I put him to bed singing and happy which is great as he hadn’t been out all day. 

Planning ahead on Sunday evening I thought, we must plan for Monday get up and out, otherwise it would be another day at home,if you don’t get oscar dressed and ready to go by 9 am on non school days you have lost!

So it was bank holiday, but I was up at 6 am ready to wake oscar at usual time of school days at 715 am ,I thought it’s good to get the routine back in place before the real thing! Which I was dreading, as oscar has been sleeping in until well after 8 ,which is good in some ways, but in others it means he hasn’t been up dressed or ready for the world until gone 10 am, his medication takes a while to work, so Monday he was woken but to my surprise he was 😃, we continued his usual routine and got him medicated ( epilepsy and extreme anxiety)and dressed bags packed on the side, his visual clue👌 we were going out , he happily played until we went , we took a beach walk to the pier ,where they had a petting zoo, chics, ducks, tortoise and lambs , Oscar loved this he touched each animal I was readily waiting with the hand gel 😂and just so thankful he didn’t squeeze any animals to death!

A very simple day spent on our doorstep 😃afternoon spent at home, more bouncy castle and a BBQ with family who visited ,and I thought to myself , the simple days are the best ones, oscar felt in control , he was happy with the tempo, we spent some time as a family of 5 with extended family but it wasn’t hectic , Oscar was very comfortable with his three Aunties and cousins .

sometimes I think enjoying what’s on your doorstep is the way to go for us ,it’s measurable for Oscar and familiar and predictable and for us it’s all the freedom we needed 💙🌟🌈😃

So we’re currently on holiday in France and from what I’ve noticed , and it could be a language barrier regarding disabilities!!! don’t quote me, but they seem very behind in Autism awareness and neurodiversity!

Oscars behaviours seem to be completely not tolerated at all , like ,no understanding of it , there is judgement , it doesn’t feel nice , I refuse judgement, but I can see why we look like we’re not managing a naughty child!

we saw a few parents with children with additional needs, struggling in the heat in corners or on grass verges almost as if they feel they have to ,firstly get away from the people and crowds , there didn’t seem to be any chill out areas which is the one thing very much needed , one lady was having to lay down on the grass and cover her child while he calmed down , it draws attention, something Autistic children can’t cope with , I think that’s for me the one thing lacking there all other services were marvellous , and in reality I know you can’t have it all .

 Our trip was on the hole a huge success even if we hadn’t allowed for the 27 degree temperature !!!☀️

when he’s laying on the floor in a packed Disney land screaming because you won’t climb up a hill to the flowers, that are out of bounds and he’s totally not bribeable , I get it I really do ,but in any language surely at almost 6 years old, flapping , shreking it’s very very clear that things are a miss? Isn’t it? Or is it just me??

I don’t care if people stare really, but with our buggy we have, that has a disability sticker on it which I’m pretty sure is the same symbol in all languages! I just think , if you think this is bad what he’s doing now , well frankly you have no idea!!! as he’s in first gear, it’s not really oscar I worry about as currently he’s oblivious at this time, but it’s not nice for my other children! It makes them uncomfortable to be reminded we stand out, and above all despite the odd meltdown , oscars doing so well managing social situations , he’s working so hard at it, we are working really hard at it as a family , all of us to pad the situations out for him and us ,just to get some much needed family time , which is precious to all families especially those with special people .

  We went to the Mickey Mouse cafe and they very nearly didn’t allow our large buggy inside,   As if we were being awkward !!!if they had not, the implications would be no meal with the characters 😶something my older two kids had been looking forward to, Oscar did like some of the characters and acknowledged them, but some he ignored completely , we did get a few looks!

The  family opposite us were really into it and did keep looking over as if we were being neglectful, by leaving Oscar in his buggy with his tablet and not sitting him to the table but, the facts are he was happy , felt safe, only eats pack lunch not meals , wouldn’t have stayed to the table and wouldn’t have tolerated it so we left him in his buggy the characters came to visit him and were great, but you could tell we were viewed as neglectful , from experience I view that as genius😊 he was happy we were able to sit at a meal table in a restaurant🌟  which doesn’t happen often , but I can understand why this is viewed badly from the outside looking in .

I feel glad for our planned mini breaks with Oscar, we have always done them he is used to it he loves to travel and explore different places , he has an amazing memory and remembers feeling happy at places we revisit, and for him Disney is a big thumbs up,

The  disability services are second to none at Disney, minimal ques even in peak season with the pass, and I plan well , all his comforts around him , it’s key for a successful trip  , it also gives a chance to spend some quality time with our other kids who are more than tolerant of the different trips now with Oscar than before but they have accepted it and adjusted , much like Oscar adjusts as he isn’t comfortable in the world without adaptations , but I’m very proud of all three kids this trip as Oscar is getting harder to manage the behaviours associated with him not coping are Geri g bigger and our efforts to comfort him are also getting bigger, we will just keep evolving and learning , and we won’t stop taking the trips I think there vital💙

Huge respect for all special needs parents who travel with their kids it’s not easy but so worth it 🌟 

It started last night as I got into bed I can hear laughing hysterically laughing, belly gripping I’m can’t breath laughing ! It was oscar in his sleep it lasted until 2 am when he got up in his cot and read himself a couple of books extremely loudly with his lights in , he then sang himself a couple of songs and drifted back off I was in and out of intermittent sleep as I was so tired after a 5 am start , what caused him to do this!!! This kid sleeps usually , he had three years of sleep meds but he’s been 6 weeks clear and sleeping all night , only thing I have to say is , it better be a one off I can’t do day and night it is hard , I can manage if I get sleep , I’ve been spoilt for sleep I can’t cope if he’s going to stop sleeping no way .😶😶😶

I was hopefully he would wake happy as he usually does , it’s only when the day starts to unfold that he gets anxious and how he gets dressed is usually an indication of how the day will go, some days we don’t make it out of PJS! It’s too upsetting for him you need to get the timing right , let the meds kick in then do it while preoccupied!( sounds far fetched but I need my eyes! I like them😂)

Today he dressed ok 😶fought a bit ,but I was quick so you can imagine I was pretty confident about the day 😊which was good as I had a few jobs to run  , but his medication didn’t work today! 😶He started to run and crash into the furniture everything’s upsetting him , he’s refusing food and obsessed on one thing !!!!my phone and he won’t stop asking for it , it’s going to be a looonnngggg day but needs must, so it takes two hours before he cooperates for shoes and we head our first stop, I park outside run in , leaving him with 12 year old brother I can see him he is on someone’s driveway ,I can touch my car he’s that close he’s crying very upset, but  I’m ten seconds!

Its a very stressful and makes me wonder why I didn’t just stay at home!  

 I then need to run into the supermarket to get bread, as he only likes one make!!   Determined not to be house prisoner we brace the supermarket in and out 30 seconds then I get to the till and because it’s easter in 5 days,,  the lady in front of me is buying the entire fruit and veg isle!!  

  So that’s that and we head home , just calmed Oscar down-and a reporter calls me from our local paper!!!🌟🎉 wanting to run a story on Born Anxious this week which is amazing news ,but Oscar cried through the interview !!which was a good and a bad thing I suppose , at least it proves that I do have struggles that I speak off ,through my clothing range! It’s just a shame I couldn’t hear the reporter!!!😂I have no idea how the article will look or how I will come across , it could say, I interviewed the owner of Born Anxious and she shouted at me ,and her kids were screaming , she’s a terrible mother😂 or, our photographer was attacked by a feral child who was literally charging at him! Which would all ring true, one things certain Oscar displayed some very antisocial behaviour to the photographer, but I was kind of glad as it proved my point as to why I started Born Anxious .🌟🌟

one things for sure I think I need these days !!!!!!!as I’m famous for getting overconfident if we’re having a good spell, this is also proof it’s all still there under the surface! and helps me to reflect when I struggle with medicating him , we need the bad days to appreciate the good 🌟

So here’s the deal I was in Disney store the other day before the release of the film and at till point I was offered yet another cuddly toy for £10 of dumbo, and I thought immediately of Oscar because he loves them , didn’t think anything if it , while in town I did buy something for my other kids too, but soft toys are oscars bag so he had that , he was less than impressed, said big ears threw it behind him and I put it in his room , a couple of weeks went by and now it’s half term I thought I would take my older two kids to watch the film, leaving Oscar at home with nanny , they have both had treats this week, Lorcan a new bike and Orla a theatre trip, I’m really mindful to even my time out with them as it’s easy to just buy them things but it’s not the same as quality time with them, There great kids , but mostly Oscar takes the focus, firstly because he’s the youngest and solely dependant, and secondly because he’s my stalker! Autism, epilepsy and extreme anxiety mean he’s literally glued to me , my other kids are used to it they have adjusted , oscars needs to come to mind first in all situations, not because I choose that, but because his needs  are the most pressing, they wont wait he won’t share careen  with anyone else , I can’t reason with him . 

Providing  my other kids with the one to one attention they need and deserve, happens but it takes planning, the credo in this house is ,if oscar needs they step back, it’s hard but it’s the only way it works, an epileptic fit beats listening to someone reading , that still happens I make the time up , but it’s put back until I’m free, you can’t exactly say ‘hey epilepsy, you can have a fit later, I’m reading now sorry!’ And that’s I suppose it ,in a nut shell ,medical needs, do not wait, how we operate doesn’t make sense to most average families but we’re not up for judgement , it works for us and we’re functional , which hasn’t always been the case in the early days .

 Autism will not wait , anxiety will not wait , and that’s why my husband works a lot!!!😂no honestly my other kids are amazing, but I feel guilty from time to time when I get simple reminders such as this..  

long story cut  short  

We go to the cinema, nanny is watching oscar who is refusing to wear a nappy or be changed, and literally pissing  all over the house!😂nanny’s working hard today!!! But I cut off I have my phone the scene is set drinks are made, change of clothes is ready , nappy’s, if willing are ready !!!! Toys are set up tv on and I’m gone two hours! I swear it took me longer to prep!  

So we go off to the cinema , school uniform shop on the way another thing ticked off the half term list , while walking Lorcan says hey mum what if I see my mates from school, embarrassing! I said I’m not that old , do you not want to walk with me! He then feels guilty and holds my hand all the way proudly telling me he loves me I’m the best, which I think was because he felt bad ,which wasn’t my intention at all, but I proved my point as we did see a friend from school with his nan who then went purple💜 and did a cool head nod! No speaking between these two ,coolest dudes , one with nan, one with mum😂but there 12 ,just not really old enough in my book to go out and be cool , not just to hang out and be a pain in the arse, If it’s planned yes, if it’s idol time NO WAY!!  

So we watch the film  , walk home and I prepare tea all kids are calm, daddy’s on way home , Oscar in a nappy! And as I went upstairs to make the beds and draw the curtains ,  I quickly nab the dumbo and place it on lorcans pillow! I forgot about it 

At bedtime I was tucking him in and his little face❤️❤️❤️❤️He said mum I loved the film so much, how did you know I wanted a teddy! and that’s when I felt proper shit in my gut, I will remember that feeling forever , I had bought that for someone who would happily wipe there arse on it ,and it sat in his room that’s dark all the time , and next door there was a little boy sleeping that would have loved it so . 

It’s half term again!!!! Over confidence has got me again and I’ve planned a 4 day trip second week! Why? Why do I do that ? I’ve now got to pull my bloody socks up with the planning, it’s going to have to be night work i think , Oscar will literally come and grab you in the middle of what your doing , even if it’s cooking !

That’s if you can escape him long enough that is,  mostly he doesn’t know why he wants you and once he has you, will push you away, but like most ASD preschoolers which is what I class him as , as he is just 5 and has no independence skills in play or socially , he needs me on tap and that’s totallly fine , but packing and preparing for a trip is just not going to happen pre water shed!!

 I will be list making and careful planning to ensure we don’t forget anything for this trip Usually we’re fine we have taken many small trips and usually can’t fit everything in the boot, as wether it’s 4 days or 4 weeks I’m sure most ASD parents will agree ,it isn’t possible to travel light , home comforts really are the make or break for us ,his travel cot, familiar books, his bedding and night light even his Aldi’s bread and toaster plus many others small things that for him really make him feel calm and settled .

I always seem to have a big list , things that I put off firstly as I forward plan far too in advance, it’s my dream list for Oscar, I set goals for him then try try try to reach them.

The  three biggys are ,and have been for two years, big boy bed( will he ever be ready?will I? I’m just worried as he loves his cot so much and sleeps so well, but I think he really would love the independence of a big boy bed, trouble is his extreme anxiety means he can’t manage change , and there’s not really any slow way to convert!).

secondly , potty training this is a real BIG one as he toys with the idea often, personally it’s a long term goal , I would prefer that he is full ready, then just go for it , solid plan really consistent and quick, here’s to dreaming for now on that one , and finally drinking from a cup! Something he used to do then regressed😞I will never give up on this , just kept introducing the same cup and hope he one day just thinks sod it .  

So I feel I have a massive toy cul to do donate to the hospital nursery , rotating everything and minimising keeps him interested with toys, he loves new things to explore so once Easter is over I’m pulling my socks up on this front, and while he’s not in school i shall be testing the water for our three big things and making sure we have everything in place, for once he shows me the slightest sign he is ready , cot wise hard one, as he doesn’t try and climb out , he sleeps well and still fits in his large egg shape cot, part of me thinks if it’s not broken don’t fix it 😶 and the other part is just longing to give him the big boy bed, I know eventually he would be really happy in and very proud , as he has this pride that beams out of him when he achieves, and he does like a change.

I’m just not sure the cot would be a change he would like  !!! Also I know it’s petty but I really would like to make some changes to his room now he is bigger, it’s been the same forever a different view would be a lovely change for him and me ,I love a change up 🌈

We just need to be proactive in planning , pick up on the signals he is giving us and predict if it’s time or not  , moving forward is the aim after so much regression , I don’t mind the speed but it’s forward we go .

Im pretty sure most ASD parents overthink I try to limit mine as it will take over  , I also over plan everything and try to play sensations in my head and account and allow for them , it is extra work but if somethings preventable then it’s worth the planning and prep , I do wing it a lot I think all parents do but I am guilty of the over thinking too 💙🌟it’s my way of keeping control .

There was an ITV news clip this week that really struck a cord in me ,I will attach the link at the end of the blog , it shows a family out with there 4 year old son who literally presents as my own son Oscar , crying fighting his parents as the world is just too loud, too overwhelming , walking on all fours seeking feedback from the environment he is placed in , his parents do exactly what we would do , they make the best of the situation and let the child attempt to regulate , they mention staring 😞this is something I relate too  ,it literally burns into your soul, you can feel the stare, it cuts like a knife , yes we stand out , yes we aware our child has no shoes on !!!!and we appear to be pandering to every whim , but that’s on the surface , it isn’t the case at all😶

We are acting that way as we need to do anything we can to calm the child down, the level of distress is too high, and we need to try anything we can to enable the child to cope , these are skills and tools you use to rescue a social experience, this is vital if you want your child to have experiences of socialising in small doses , otherwise you would isolate them , for me I think it’s vital for Oscar to learn it’s ok not to be ok ,we can gain control back and adjust , it’s impossible to go through life never being upset or feeling overwhelmed, it’s no different for people with Autism .

I want oscar to be able to accept that the world isn’t within his control , for instance the world can be noisy, I can’t make that stop, I can pad out situations to help him cope, but ultimately he has to learn how to regulate his emotions and anxiety’s with the aids and tools we can provide , I feel that’s the best way forward for him, he must learn that things will be ok ,work through the things he struggles with and gain strength and resilience , he is already developing many skills in this respect through school and experiences he has socially, emotionally and in learning, and I place them in this order because I strongly feel unless oscar is regulated emotionally, he won’t be ready to learn and that’s why I feel year R and year one will be for him the time he needs to adjust emotionally for school ,and prepare to  learn , it sounds a long time but for Oscar with his needs and the settling in patterns he followed in nursery and preschool ,he was in both settings for two school years and just by the end he was used to the set up and ready to attend emotionally, that was helped hugely by a very ridged routine and constant  reassurance and consistency . 🌈

Staring hurts the most, as most Autism parents and care givers have probably fought a battle to even get ready and get out the door! Yet for a brief moment the situation is causing someone else distress maybe ,or they just are shocked by behaviour and people stare , Tutt, sigh!!and this adds to the triggers of this , in Autism you can be extremely sensitive in your sensory system to places, people, noise, touch which is hypersensitive ,which is what we have!!! this also affects oscars eating and diet , so in that moment if people are acting negatively towards us ,he senses it he can sense peoples stress/ distaste it adds to the situation and makes him worse  , he becomes less able to cope, for children that are not hypersensitive the world may not be loud enough ,they may have enhanced sensory seeking behaviours spinning, hand flapping , eat everything offered to them , they may eat non food items also and chew , there are also people that have a mixture of both ,for instance my child isn’t a chewer and dosent spin, he occasionally handflaps , he’s extremly sensory but doesn’t respond to loud noise, so we can have a real mix of behaviours when we go out , as he does seek feedback through motion .

But staring hurts , it’s  silent judgment , don’t do it , be mindful of you need to look over to check ,mouth to the parent ‘your doing fab’ or are you ok? It really is everything to us💙

The news clip, which could actually be oscar , it was hard to watch and hear of this families struggles I relate to them with my whole heart 💙

 https://www.facebook.com/138567356175888/posts/2442790795753521?sfns=mo

Autism is a neurological disorder with no known cause except it’s  possibly genetic ,but in some cases such as ours you have the genetic testing done and there are no answers still, that’s the thing with Autism you have to face and accept the unknown, and you learn to work with what you have and make the most of every opportunity you can to learn , whilst that window of attention is open, knowing full well your child may entertain the idea  for a short while, or set time scale, but equally they can dismiss you.

My child in particular is very mood lead, if he isn’t feeling it, theres  nothing you can do to encourage him to negotiate yet, he seeks sensory feedback from the world around him, and if he is stressed will crash into things and stomp around, and throw him self around he is extremely sensitive and unable to regulate his emotions , his anxiety level controls everything we do,and although he isn’t using words he is still communicating with us about how he is feeling and how he is managing .🌈

There are many myths about Autism and things people say usually out of pity , without being rude now, upon meeting someone for the first time if I feel there is reason to inform someone my child has Autism , perhaps we are out and Oscar has swooped in for a cheeky boob grab with a stranger 😂,and I feel I need to apologies for that or explain, for some reason people feel the need to tell you about someone they know who has Autism , it’s almost an ice breaker!  There is no value in saying ‘oh my cousins , brothers sons neighbour has that!’it’s just awkward , my son has Autism , I’m in no way an expert not at all, and Autism parents only need support , not fables , it’s just not helpful , sorry if that offends anyone but I don’t feel I need to explain my child’s behaviour to make grown  adults feel better.

when necessary I explain yes but other than that, he is my priority , it’s the staring that hurts most , this doesn’t happen very often at all now, I do feel Autism acceptance is growing 💙if we are going somewhere formal or busy I will put an awareness t shirt on him just to allow people to make adaptations and give him some space he needs to feel calm in that situation .🌈

 So to keep things real in my true style, I’m going to bust some myths about Autism over the next few blogs ,based on my research as I truly am still learning myself . 💙

So here goes 

Autism is life long , Ive heard a few times that people have known others to have had it when younger but not now ! Autism is life long FACT! wether they appear to be coping better as adults is another matter , it doesn’t mean they are cured . 🌟

Not everyone who has Autism has a super power, or super memory, or super intelligent  each Autistic person is unique with differeing strengths and weaknesses , there are people who have Savant syndrome which is extremely rare, and this can be viewed as a super intelligence ,or an ability to speak languages or read music without being taught this is a thing, but not all Autistic people  are Rainman , Rainman was a film the syndrome does exists but not present in every case of Autism . 💙

Third and final myth of this blog  🌟

Autism only affects children? The truth here is some people may have been undiagnosed due to Age, Autism research has grown and grown since the 1940s , Autism diagnosis has increased by 600% in the last 20 years 😶but it is by no means an epidemic, contarary to some believing so , Autistic children grow into Autistic adults, FACT and there is no evidence that vaccine causes Autism, it is a brain development disorder that can often have co-concurring Gut disorders, food disorders   , epilepsy and others .

Autism awareness is growing throughout the world, and the research will continue, and more and more children will be assessed, and diagnosed continually ,and that’s amazing as early intervention is key, not for cure but to identify individual needs of young people with Autism to identify therapies, to aid their learning  , maximise there potential and emotional well-being, and support their families on the amazing journey they will be taking .🌟

 As a family and for me personally as Oscars mum ,I feel we have benefitted enormously from early diagnosis and intervention through early years support, and have been able to successfully seek therapy for speech and occupational therapy that have accelerated his ability to communicate , socialise and attend school ,all things that will imprint on his life , we feel extremely lucky and certainly not isolated at all which is the reality for some Autism parents , that is why through born anxious we are saying ,tool up emotionally, join our army ,we all support one another it really is that simple 💙 

 https://www.bornanxious.co.uk/born-anxious-collection/cloud-unpredictable-t-shirt

April is upon us and it’s world Autism awareness month, with 2nd April being Autism awareness day .

#oscarschallenge is an online challenge to bring more Autism awareness this April and for the future , Oscar will share his story with you while challenging you to learn something new about Autism throughout April and every month after .

Oscar inspired bornanxious which is more than just organic label free clothing it’s an Awareness movement and our followers are growing💙

 I’m really motivated more than ever to bust myths about Autism ,  Learn more myself as his caregiver and advocate and share this through  #oscars challenge .

Just last week in a class outing, we experienced someone being apologetically ignorant about Autism awareness, and it just proves that there is still , lack of understanding and fear when it comes to inclusion for Autism and special needs, which is why our be kind message must be heard and spread around the world through our awareness t shirts and bags .

Oscars story  

Oscar was born full term and presented as a typically developing baby that disliked fuss , towards meeting his milestones a little were slow ,he didn’t clap, wave , wasn’t very vocal or really crave any attention, but yet he was happy and ate well in early stages , Oscar had a nasty headbang at 9 mths old ,which I’m not ready to blog about, due to trauma reliving it sorry I’m just not ready ,but the result was he was unconscious for 45 minutes! Following this he was checked in hospital in France ,and was treated for concussion , as we approached his first birthday there was a noticeable change in oscar , he held even less eye contact and would become absent this was noted , he then failed his one year check we raised our concerns not really thinking that anything would come of it , Oscar was referred around 14 mths for a peadiatric assessment we just went along with it thinking we were going through the motions , I was convinced he was just a lazy third baby , after the first appointment the consultant noted a few red flags in the markets for Autism ,and wanted to see us again in 6 mths  , she arranged an MRI Scan for Oscar, and his blood genetics to be tested and his hearing screening again, as we were told he possibly could be deaf , as at this point he really was regressing and not responding to any vocal prompts, at points I felt like he was disappearing ,getting harder and harder to react , he had lost interest in the world , food, he had cut everything he used to eat out, he had stopped drinking from a cup and didn’t play , I didn’t really know what the issue was, but I had this awful feeling in my gut that he may have Autism, having worked with children with neurological disorders for me as his mum I think I knew .

Oscar was diagnosed with Autism in June 2015 and his assessment continued , Oscar continued to regress and fail to reach more milestones through the corse of that year, and was later diagnosed with anxiety and with more and more absent episodes happening exploration began and continues to for epilepsy , Oscar is a happy 5 year old boy who struggles emotionally and struggles to communicate with the world, this can present in behaviours that are unpredictable and equally amazing , we work very hard to keep oscar regulated and achieving, and he’s doing amazingly well , everything is harder for Autistic children and young people, and if we can relive this for Oscar and others in any way, by changing perseption and reaction to Autism awareness and encourage flexible thinking it can only ever be a good thing . 

I was told to think about Autism as an iceberg what you see on the surface really is just the tip , and as Autistic people grow and mature they will adapt and regulate more and more , however the difficulty is still there but the control is better  , so for me if oscars having a really really good spell of behaviour, it's evidence for me as his mum that we are helping him keep himself well regulated ,and when he’s not managing so well I can adapt the environment to help ease things for him . 

So April is awareness month with 2nd April being awareness day .

# oscars challenge

oscar is challenging you to learn more about Autism and through the blog we will be sharing stories about Autism ,and busting  a few myths, plus giving  you more insight into our daily lives as special needs parents , the most rewarding challenging job on the planet  

we will also be sharing the joy of Autism 💙 

Autism facts  , check out this video 

 https://youtu.be/0KNRPJW7bo4

Ahead of Autism awareness month this April I wanted to give light to why Be Kind was the first T shirt design, and why ,being kind will always be our main ingredient .💙🐝

I feel it’s important , as things grow, it’s really easy to forget why you started them, but not with this, be kind will always be the main ingredient, as it influences everything, Born Anxious is about .

Our first T shirt design was be kind ,because it doesn’t always go without saying in this life, and it translates into all languages , wearing a be kind I have autism t shirt for Oscar had an impact straight away , it’s almost saying don’t judge , I feel personally being kind is contagious, you can influence others, plus added bonus 🌟it costs nothing ,absolutely nothing , and to be honest it’s far easier than being mean anyway . 

As a family we have built our own support network over the last five years, and reached out to others , but we have been in situations along the way we’re ,we have experienced people not being kind , either in our company, or towards us ,the outside world isn’t always Autism aware.

In public Autism can present differently, and that’s what people find hard to understand and that makes them uncomfortable , I have been in situations before where, we have returned home as I was made to feel so uncomfortable or overwhelmed by a situation or people’s teactions towards us , the only way to diffuse the situation for Oscar , is to scrap it and try the next day, you need to pick your battles and if he is distressed in an unkind environment I remove him from it , refusing judgment 😶, for Oscars needs not others .

As an Autism parent you do learn to pick your battles for your own eases down safety sometimes , but in the same breath 6  weeks is a long time to stay home in summer, and with a kinder community that we live in, or town,or  county, or city ,we want to create and spread a message to make our towns, counties, city’s ,  and the entire world more aware, not just of Autism but special needs and invisible disabilities and  also differences, and that’s our aim , to start a ripple effect of kindness towards the  neuro diverse community and monitory groups  .

Im also spreading the be kind message through my own actions  , born anxious does give the message of awareness to be kind through our products , but also actions, and I’m committed to that, an example if this was I had seen online a lady who’s son was struggling to change from his Pjs at weekends, as he is so sensory his clothes hurt his skin this is a huge barrier for the family , I contacted the lady and offered to drive a t shirt to her, so it was ready for the next morning , In my mind , she would have hope waking on that Saturday morning, rather than the dreaded fear I have had myself ,around clothing and dressing with my own son , it was little effort on my part with hopefully a great start to a weekend for a mum that was exhausted with her situation with clothes for her son , she excepted my offer and I prepared her a T shirt and took it to her , what came next was exactly what I had hoped for , the lady sent a message to thank me and said dressing the next day was very easy and the little boy was hugging his T shirt while wearing it saying ‘it’s born anxious mummy just like me’, he  loved the idea it was a t shirt just for him 💙and that’s  right there, its what it’s all about , organic super soft clothing that is designed to relieve sensory issues with clothes , carry out be kind message and support children , young people and adults in delivering there message , of be kind 💙

I don’t know if it’s just me , but I do feel less reactive to stress these days, literally you can’t write some days they would be off the scale for the average person , or is it just me!!!!

The last few days have been really intense, no behaviour, a few seizures which is a worry again but that’s old worry , something I’ve dealt with for a long time, and if you allow that worry eats away so you shelve it , it’s there but you carry on, but lately we have had a few stressful things that I know would have affected me before, and I seem to take it on the chin , am i becoming frozen?

I’m just like yeh ok, let’s go through motions make this issue better and move on , almost so busy , I have no time to panic or react, I’m not sure it’s normal!!!! I’ve become a robot in those stressful times as I always have some worry they just scale up or down!!

let me give you an insight into the last 72 hrs!!!!!  You will leave this blog exhausted no doubt😆 and grateful, your not me ,I’m sure!😂I mean I’m wondering who’s actually writing this . 

On Sunday we visited a trampoline park within ten minutes oscar had landed badly and we thought he had broken his ankle , thank god it was only a sprain, but still a pain for him, this kid won’t be slowed down for anything ! 

Monday , Oscar comes out with a dreaded nits letter!!!!! I thought this kids not going to let me look, so I’m going to apply the mousse while he sleeps, and wash it out in the morning, we did this it was a very traumatic experience for him ,and for us well, we just got very very wet😆 , but he calmed down and that was that , I have to brush , comb and nit comb his hair while he sleeps which is a bit tense, also same for nail cutting , it’s almost like trying to creep-past a very ferocious sleeping dog or something !!!!!!

So with the hair wash out of the way he started his day fine  , Tuesday was pretty kind until around 2 pm ,when my usual 20 min journey to collect Oscar turned into the worst traffic jam ever!!!!!! taking me 1 hr 20 mins to get to him I was 20 mins after everyone else!!!!!! this then made me late to pick up middle child and we finally arrived home at 420 pm an hour later than average! 

Then today!!!!!!! Our little dog at the vets , he’s had a bad eye and we found out today he has an ulcer on it ,and may loose his eye!!!!

Then I get a call from my middle child’s school , he had cooking  ,my last words were Don’t forget to use your tea towel!!, poor boy did use it to remove tray, but then picked it back up again !!!! burning all his fingers and had to go to the local treatment room to be treated!😦 very nasty burn and had to have the blisters cut off! Very upset boy and has to have calpol 4  hrly, and a close eye on him to watch for infection  , he will be taken back again daily for re dressing !  And we’re midweek guys I’m praying the rest is kind.

So I would say Autism parenting and parenting for multiple children in short, is character building! I’m so much less reactive to stress these days, my two red flags are poo! & blood, anything less than that and I’m good, I’m tired but I’ve got this , I have no expectations therefore I don’t reach disappointment .

I enforce a positive attitude and try and see the funny side , I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the only way to get through!! 

too be continued  

I’m co blogging for harbour fostering today to give insight into how being a child who fosters can have an  impact on you in adult hood , and how advocacy has ,and is shaping my life💙and my children’s lives .

 How my journey began  

when I as little around 7/8 years old there was a boy in my class named John  , he was the only ethnic child in our school , he had an infectious laugh and excellent sense of humour, as we became friends I learnt more of his story , origionally brought here from Africa by his father , as he mum had died, he was fostered by his sister , John was in no way shape or form dual heritage, yet his so called father and sister were white! So his origin was always a little hazy , I recall there was turmoil within his family, and John was in need of emergency respite care, and at that age in my mind I thought he can live with us , so I invited him to!

This marks the very start of my parents fostering career , as a family we welcomed John and he stayed intermittently until he was around 11 years old ,until it was no longer needed,John stayed in our lives throughout his teens and into early adulthood our home was his and he would regularly visit to busk for extra pocket money ,my parents supported John into independent living in later years . 

I think this was the reason why my parents explored the idea of fostering such a simple act of kindness ignited something in them and us as a family years later,  they then later created their own fostering service , during the years of being a child who fostered , my brother and I welcomed the idea and I feel it benefitted us hugely , in early years advocacy isn’t something you don’t  think about, but looking back we took part in so many children’s journeys and as a family we really benefitted, it shaped who we became to open your home and hearts to children in need of a safe place, and protection is the greatest gift to give a child   .

We were investing in them and expecting nothing in return from them , we have fostered many many children as a family and remember them all fondly , your part of their journey into adulthood , perhaps they have a traumatic start, and as advocates and carers you can’t take that away but you can start to rebuild, earn trust and create a new normal that’s stable , every child deserves the chance to feel safe, protected and have self worth and that was the foundation of the fostering service we all took part in for 16 years ,advocating and protecting children , it became an instinct for myself to live my life this way ,be transparent in my approach and value every child , the personal rewards of this far exceed any career ladder .

Advocacy for myself became transferable from the fostering side of things and the vulnerability of children needing appropriate adults, to disabilities  and special needs when I had my own child with a complex diagnosis, as although, I will always class myself as an advocate for children in need and safeguarding is always at the forefront , I’m now transferring those skills to advocate for invisible disabilities and the vulnerability of  those with special needs across the spectrum , the need is different it’s a health need ,but the ethics remain , am I doing the right thing for my child? Is this going to benefit long term? Could I be identifying more? Am I being transparent? How  can I contribute to supporting and raising awareness for other families also.

My sons disabilities are life long and having been an advocate for most of my life I’m certain I can be the best advocate for him .

Being a child who fostered taught me from a young age to be grateful for my life situation and to listen to others, be selfless, it gave me an inner compass for what’s morally right and a courage to be brave for others , many life skills I have taken into adulthood , to believe in yourself and others, it’s ok to fail , it’s ok to admit defeat, it marks learning and most important of all everybody is equal and anything is possible if you are flexiable in thought . 

Advocacy, I’m proud to say has transferred onto my children , since birth they have been very active in my participation within the fostering service ,and at 4 years old my own daughter asked me when her forever mummy and daddy where coming? , she viewed herself as a child we were helping, but also as equal to the children she had been around we were working with at support events , so advocacy is a gift we have transferred into our children from our experiences and life choices .

Both our children are excellent advocates for special needs and neurodiversity in a world that’s more diverse than ever before,  I’m just so glad they have instilled in them at such a young age , for it’s only in practice that children can truly adopt this as it’s a way of life . 

I feel being a child who fostered truly has shaped me as a person and given me the skills to now advocate for my son, and I have started a movement to raise awareness for invisible disabilities through born anxious an organic , label free awareness clothing label that gives back to local charities and raises awareness , an army of support is required for children with disabilities and their parents ,siblings and caregivers and the only way to do this is to spread our be kind message and build our army .

www.bornanxious.co.uk  

this is also home to my blog  

Throughout my born anxious journey , from designing a few t shirts for my own personal use for Oscar, because I felt so short changed from the ones I bought online, and really needing a communication tool to the outside world sometimes, just because some reactions and behaviours are so big !😆

Throughout all of this, deciding to share my ideas and creating an Etsy shop, then starting to blog, then the final plunge, a website🌟 I had always been adamant my range would be gender neutral , any t shirt for anyone , being a mum of a child who doesn’t choose to acknowledge his own gender and many autistic children don’t because they have other stuff going on  , my child hasn’t gender confusion, but his gender isn’t on his radar at all , he’s a child ,he watches whatever he likes on tv ,and plays with whatever he likes, we do not gender stereotype at all , I dress him in boys clothes but if he selects a dress out of the dressing up box there is no reaction from us, he’s exploring, that should be a freedom all children can have , so when designing my range we have a gender neutral collection accessible for all .

However with Mother’s Day in mind I’m launching a range called ‘something for the mummy’s🎉why? Here’s why 

I’ve been asked many times, would I be launching a baggy t shirt and a vest? as t shirts are great but I think everyone has their own style, and personally as a girly girl I don’t wear regular t shirts everyday, so I decided to  do a small collection of vests and baggy t shirts just for the mummys ,and I hope this doesn’t offend the Daddies!🇬🇧(who can wear them if they wish) but I had mums in mind when I created them their questions inspired the ideas.🌟

it’s a collection within our main range for the mummies to add a little something just for them , I feel they deserve it .  

We have been lucky enough to be given the chance to stock our ranges in the high street 💙💙this is something I never dreamed possible🌟 so I’m eternally grateful to have our message of be kind in the high street🇬🇧 it is everything I aimed for ,and hope our army continues to grow 💙

#walrusandoyster

#walrusandoysteremporium

Well I didn’t think I would be typing this in a million years but💙💙💙💙💙miracles have happened over the last week ,and it’s all thanks to a new drug available for my son , we tried it for two weeks!!!!!! too complicated to explain but we had a big clash with devestating consequences! so after some big talks lots of tears on my part😶 and feeling like I had hit wall, I stopped I opened my ears, I shut my gob and opened my mind and took the advise I was given , which is hard if you are used to giving your child a certain medication you are used too ,for two years, you rely on it, as the only reason you agreed a medication is because I was at the end of my tether with the behaviour, we now two years on know it’s extreme anxiety, but back then I got to the point I couldn’t do it anymore he was so distressed , so to be advised to stop that medication, that rescued our situation and allowed our child to function daily and sleep at night , I’m not going to lie I was nervous .

we did stop the medication, we had grown to rely on ,and began another last Monday , and it was a sudden change , he didn’t  have to wean off it , was just a switch but I had to not medicate anything for one night, to avoid a cross over! The hulk isn’t pretty, which during the clash was how he was behaving!!! Extreme anger !

 We did skip all medications  for one night to leave 24 hrs until the new one started , but he slept, I thought it is a fluke , but 6 nights in he’s sleeping! All night! No medication🎉🎉🎉he’s cracked it ,hopefully this pattern continues I’m so chuffed for him  , my child with Autism, extreme anxiety and epilepsy is put to bed in the dark ( his preference) and I leave the room   , no tears, no fuss then he goes to sleep alone, and sleeps all night it’s literally the best feeling in the world 🌍 

So without planning to we have cut out 15ml of anti anxiety medication successfully and replaced it with just 1.5 ml of an entirely different one and are seeing the benefits , Oscar hasn’t had any abscences in the last week , is skipping into school once again, and feels calm to be there, is taking part in class activities and talking more and his tolerances of those around him is growing, he is more in control of environmental factors around him that he was reactive too before and though anxiety and I really am thinking this is the break he needed💙💙

Another really stressful morning at our place with Oscar he’s transitioning between two different medications, so there’s bound to be teething but at one point this morning , whilst being scissor kicked by a screaming kid, who won’t dress and him being so anxious I can’t get near him at all, which is gutting as we had broken that behaviour in the summer.

Oscar has done two nights of sleeping through without his sleep medication, and I’m so proud of him , he can’t have the sleep one with this new day one, but it means starting the day with nothing in his system and there being a crossover ,until the morning one works, so we’re winging it for an hour, but it’s our busiest hour so everything’s how it was premedication!!!!! , screaming , dropping to the floor, head butting, hitting out running into things, and just being over loaded and unable to cope , the day is starting and he isn’t ready , it makes me want to wrap him up and protect him as I can see in his little face he’s frightened , but the behaviour is unbelievable it’s maximum noise, and movement he’s warning me off ,despite symbols and visual clues , I showed him his getting dressed sticker this morning he screwed it up and shoved it in his mouth!

Usually he loves a sticker and allows me to dress him , so yes it was that bad😶 and I’m not stalking his consultant but, I did have to call him (again)and we are now giving the new medication at wake up time,before people happen! Hopefully this starts our days better.

So as I’m being kicked I just thought for a second where have I gone? This Autism parenting has taken over! I miss the old me and regret getting so stressed about other stuff before , I was a bit precious before everything just so ,two perfect kids , mainstream schools, normal targets ,yet I would get stressed about normal  targets!

Looking back I didn’t know I was born, and if I could go back I would have had more lie ins! Not had one of those in 5 years!!!, more impromptu nights out with the girls 🌟,not had one of those for almost two years! More pj days withthe kids and  duvets, and watching movies , more relaxing holidays and been overall more relaxed ,and enjoyed it all more, and now those things are a distant memory and it’s honestly like I’ve lived two lives , one shallow one we’re I didn’t know how lucky I was 😶and this one were I’m blessed to realise all of this ,which is a hindsight most get at the end of their life, and it leaves me grateful🙏 ,oscars a test and a lesson to us all ,and a good one , exhausting!!!! but worth it ,he has opened our eyes and our hearts to a world that is the most kind and caring and diverse in every way and we are supporting others.

Being supported by others❤️❤️❤️, you  feel so much unity and love by the acceptance of other special needs families.

when I think of that carefree person I was before and think of how I viewed things which was acknowledgment of disabilities but no experience ,if I could go back I would enjoy it more the freedom of parenting before and life ,But honestly I’m proud of my journey so far thankful for who I’m becoming.

 I’m proud of my children, and glad special needs has touched their  lives ,I think we are all richer for it ,and in truth I would miss he regimented routine, the progress we are making , the celebrating everything , the organising of emotion , the planning of oscars care.🌟😊🇬🇧

 I would miss the intuition I have now, I didn’t have before , the fire to advocate I didn’t have before, as these are the rewards of the sacrifices and hard work we have put in ,so far , so did I reminis today at a high stress point? Yes? Did I in my head really want to trade? No, no I didn’t, I wouldnt want to go back to being just a regular family , I love being a special one , I’m proud of it 💙🌈🌟🇬🇧🎉