You probably wonder what I am doing right now.

A guy who looked like a grasshopper and what seemed to be his partner were at the table next to me @ the café. She looked very irritated with him, and judging by the way he treated her, with good reason. They were two people who couldn't stand each other, stuck in life together, for whatever reason. The waiter handed his meal, saying there were extra egg whites in the sandwich as he had ordered. I rolled my eyes after overhearing this.

My bag unintentionally contains tobacco dust, loose staples for stretching canvases, ripped leftover packages from electrolytes, and couple of pens I couldn’t care about even if I wanted to, on the bottom; intentionally put agenda and diary that have dried after being soaked with mint water for a whole night while in a club, and book that I basically ruined while carrying everywhere, and haven’t returned on time to my school’s library, because, first, I want to finish it, second, I am ashamed to bring it in such shape. There is also a plastic water bottle, because I haven’t organised myself to get a nice one yet, ginger shot, ear plugs, 2 lipsticks, 1 coffee bean flavoured chapstick, Red Tobacco perfume, a Chanel palette that I am using mainly for the mirror, hot pink baby mini hairbrush from LA that I borrowed (stole) from my friend, elastic bands that I can barely use now, after I was forced to let go by chopping more than half of my hair off. My favourite pen that I stole from the day I cried in Stedelijk, that I even fixed with bright orange duck tape after being broken (because I love it so much), keys, wallet that is filled with this year’s valentines and pictures from my loved ones in the place designated for $$$, my dirty underwear, because I didn’t sleep at home, and my two new overpriced purchases: a tank top with sequins that look like paint splashes but chic, and black looking (but blue) jeans that fit like a glove, are also there.

I feel deeply, and I am easily overwhelmed, so if anything, my social toolkit is mainly composed of pure vibes, and that is sooo difficult to navigate while living in the moment.

I remember how, as a child, I would practise poems in my room, running after dinner to act out movies and musicals in my parents' room, trying to remember my lines for plays back in kindergarten when I actually enjoyed being perceived. I didn't know I'd have to get back to those habits at 21.

It's very exciting to be in the middle of it all and fly around my friends, exes, and crushes like a true socialite, until the moment it actually gets to the question "What's up with you?", and then, by the tenth time someone asked me, I already felt sick of myself...........

/Buff, a lady just rang the doorbell and opened a little book, asking me if we can enjoy life forever. She started talking about how the people won't save the earth, but God will. As it is a political campaign, she pulled up a piece of paper with a bunch of QR codes and read that the Bible reveals that in the future: "Everyone will have perfect health," and "The earth's environment will be restored."/

After 2 really long days, 5 hours of sleep, and a lot of dancing and running around, I was thinking of how reservations, unless they're for places with really high demand, are working out as a concept only because of goodwill and trust.

The first party gives the expectation of presence, without actually having to show up, officially stating that there is space needed for them. The second party has to make sure the required space is available and trust the first party's intention based on nothing more than a gesture indicating a potential interest in showing up.

I believe it is a little bit unfair, maybe because, right now, I look at it through my completely subjective point of view over specific patterns in my personal behaviours.

After a conversation about love with a friend of mine, I came to the conclusion that I've been reserved for so much time in my life. Just leaving space for something that wasn't promised but I expected. Naturally, that limited my capacity for the curiosity of just being.

But holding grudges is a waste, no different than blind prediction. At the end of the day, waiting is romantic on its own;

Waiting for this perfect summer day of boredom, waiting for the perfect moment when nothing and no one will ever distract me from refinding the intimacy within my practise, waiting to think and talk, waiting for you; It brought me something.

It's 6:34, I am tired but somehow happy that I get to be awake in this hour. I slept for not more than 4 hours, but it's a physics rule that I have nothing resembling a proper sleeping schedule in summer. Actually, when writing gets boring, I'll just get back to bed.

I have this thing where I often wish that the evening were the morning. Dreaming of my morning beverages is something I experience throughout the whole day. Today they are water, tea made from ginger and mint that have been sitting in my teapot since a time I don't remember, with the fresh addition of 1/3 of a lemon, and a cappuccino.

The idea of a new day seems very appealing. Wrapping it up by saying "tomorrow" brings me a certain satiety, and thinking about it now screams "human". It's funny how I perceive the time after just sleeping for couple of hours the root of potential, a completely new called "day". Last year I read that change is what drives the passage of time. Sometimes it seems like time is identifialble by nothing more than the changing of the numbers of the clock and calendar and that's completely fine.

Next time I get to name something with someone, the logic I'll go for would be starting with my first letter, finishing with the last letter of the other person.

Yesterday I went to Eindhoven for the first time for anything other than the airport. The temperatures were killing me, and I found myself in a neighborhood with houses as tall as the grass. I entered one of them, and the bright light and heavy summer air did not do it any favour. Everything gets 10 times more disgusting in a nationally announced heatwave, but the place was already depressing on its own. It really made me think of the conditions a person is willing to put up with for education. It was an apartment viewing, so it was difficult to not imagine living there... On my way out, the conversations of people sharing that this was the only viewing they managed to get for months were speeding up my pace.

Anywaaaay, I did end up outside eventually, but I forgot that what I was going to was a desert. A freddo espresso or any type of black cold coffee sounded amazing and became my goal before hopping on the 2-hour train back to Amsterdam. THERE WAS NOTHING, everything was closed, I really needed to pee and charge my phone on top of that. Can we talk about how my phone will literally explode whenever the temperature is above 20?! I ended up begging a lady to pee in this Japanese restaurant, and she was looking down on me like I was a freak for thinking that's normal.