El

Twitter is hardly a place to seek help or counselling of any kind but I need to put my thoughts somewhere and threads have helped me before when my brain is disorganised so here we are

It’s currently 4am and I’m awake because I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. I checked Twitter on instinct because it used to be a safe space for me. This is where I came when I lost my grandma bc I needed a distraction from the grief. I needed somewhere I felt safe

The loss is something I haven’t spoken about much bc I needed a place to go where it wasn’t happening. I needed silly fun and SMAUs to keep my mind busy. I needed one place to go where I didn’t have to hear ‘sorry for your loss’ and ofmdtwt helped me to laugh when I wanted to d*e

You don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and some people have treated what happened yesterday as drama to make jokes about. And to quote the show that supposedly unites us, I’m not fine. People have been hurt on all sides of this and I’m not ok with that.

People have made their own assumptions about what my opinion is because I didn’t say anything last night. People who were hyping me up after a bad day are now the same ones who have decided I’m not worth knowing at all because I didn’t say anything fast enough to suit them but I didn’t say anything because I was in the midst of a panic attack about everything. Panic attacks that I was doing so well on handling and now I’ve had 2 in less than 12 hours. So let me reiterate, you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life.

And what’s fucking breaking me is the first person I would go to when my anxiety is this bad is my grandma. And she’d always say ‘oh love, things will turn out right, you can always come and talk to gran’ and now I’m curled up sobbing at 4am because she’s gone and I can’t

My safe spaces are gone. And some people reading are probably like ‘lol so over dramatic get over it’ and maybe you’re right. But once again let me remind you that you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life. I’m still grieving and ofmdtwt was my safe space from it.

I’ve barely slept, I’ve had two panic attacks, my mental state is a shambles. I’m not in a good place. I want a hug from my grandma. I want to hear her voice, I want to be told ‘oh love, things will turn out right’ and believe it. Because right now I don’t believe it at all.