moved to blushedfemmes

femme as a trans identity (specifically femme4butch) DOES make perfect sense to me. up until the moment i started living as femme4butch and realized that i didn’t have to be a woman, i was in a fog of absolutely brutal dysphoria. mostly bottom dysphoria. i could not look at or touch myself in any way. i did not masturbate. if i was forced to acknowledge my genitals, i felt nauseous. my body was cloaked in ‘wrong wrong wrong’ but i didn’t know why.

as a kid i always played pretend as a boy. i loved wearing bows and dresses. i felt completely alienated from both girls AND boys my age, for different reasons. i gravitated towards the weird & genderfucked kids, always, even though i dressed head to toe in pink and to everyone else looked like the prototypical Girly Girl. i was fine with this until puberty. until i realized that to everyone else, my body meant i was a woman.

of course there are other potential reasons for my bottom dysphoria besides transness but idk. i had it way before i started fucking cis guys. i’m not gonna try to tease apart my comphet trauma from my dysphoria, because i don’t think human brains work like that. i did start to heal when i came out to myself as a lesbian. but there was still a huge puzzle piece missing… until i started watching trans and nonbinary youtubers. and eventually found t4t and genderfucky erotica. and i obsessively devoured any scrap: wordpress blog entry, ao3 fic, crunchy pdf, even the most batshit horny t4t tumblr posts… every bit made me feel less insane.

it’s the relief of knowing that my body does not indicate one single thing about my gender. how i like to be penetrated does not indicate one single thing about my gender. the way that someone else wants to penetrate me does not indicate anything about their gender. yet simultaneously, our sex can be so charged with gender, it can be playfully gendered, it can be fraught and dripping with gender in a butchfemme way.

and i know my stone identity is caught up in here too somewhere, because my boundaries are less about what i will/won’t do, and more about a mutual understanding re: what the sex means and who i am while doing it. i need to be seen in all my genderfucked glory. i need it understood that i’m not a cis lesbian and i don’t want cis lesbian sex. your strap is a dick and your dick is a strap. unless it’s not, and you wanna use a strap instead. my pussy is not feminine or sacred, unless i’m playing like it is. i’m the one being fucked but i’m not to be fucked with. yknow. stone femme shit !!! 💅🏻

i still struggle daily through a fog of social dysphoria, because everyone looks at me and the way i present and reads cishet woman. even other queer and trans people, pretty much 100% of the time. i don’t blame them, i don’t come with subtitles, i don’t expect them to read my mind. it’s not their fault that i look like this. but it’s so weird because i’m not dysphoric about the way i look. i never have been. i’m dysphoric about the way i’m interpreted by everyone around me.

i don’t know why this turned into such an essay but thank you so much for giving me a space to speak on this. i cried while writing it. i hope if anyone has read this far, that you might have related to some piece of it, or found it interesting at least. trans people i love you forever and i owe you my life no joke