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It scares me that I was the first person you came out to. It makes me think that if everything does work out and we’re fine and we end up in a serious relationship if you’re gonna regret it and want more experience, if you’re gonna want to date around before you settle. And I can’t give that you. I’m only one person. I also don’t want to just be one of your experiences for your future partner. So it feels like there may be no winning here. Either I’m your soulmate and you don’t get to live out a dating life before me or you’re not myself soulmate and we’re just experiences for eachother. And both of those thoughts terrify me.

"I don't even know where you end and I begin" is such a crazy quote. Yellowjackets truly changed me and I think it’s affected the way I perceive friendships too. 

I think I’ve spent so long loving people from a distance that I’ve started confusing longing with love. 

Sometimes my jealousy consumes my personality. It’s like I know I’m a good person with good morals and I try to be good at these things but when I see you treat someone like you treat me it makes me sick to my stomach. I get so anxious and it’s like I can’t make myself think about anything else but if you consider that person of equal value to me. In the way that if you treat me with all this love and obsession then second I see you even give a sliver of that to someone else my body goes into panic mode.

I don’t complain about waiting for you because I know that it could come in time. I don’t complain about our lack of communication because I know you’re just not ready. I don’t complain about how hurt you make me feel sometimes because I know it’s not your fault. I don’t complain when your mean, I don’t complain when you shut me out. I dont complain because I’m in love with you and am will to bear the punches if it means I get you in any capacity.

I truly believe that I would wait forever for you and that thought scares me deeply. Not only do I think it’s possible a big part of me wants to. I want to wait for you to be ready and I want to wait for you to want me. But I also know that there’s a chance that in doing that I’ll lose myself in you like I have in the past. I lose myself trying to be patient.