what i would say to you

i wonder what you’d say to that

“think about me how”

every way, and in every form, although far less encompassing than you might think

you’re just there. and i can’t help it

i think about you when i least expect it

in every way you’re thinking and

more

i don’t know how to stop it

i’m pretending to have moved on

if we melded

how would things be different

for a taste of you i’d abandon every facet of myself

to see you smile i’d give up every second of every day

like i have so many times before

all i want is you, what i can’t have

how could i not

when no one else compares

i’ll keep on looking

but that even alcohol is dangerous bc when she was 21 she got so drunk she started playing around with a friend’s gun and almost killed someone

she cocked it and pulled it and pointed it a guy’s head

why does everyone have a septum? i know they don’t clean em like they’re supposed to

i full inhaled and everything, didn’t throw the smoke back out like i usually do

i want you to know that i was worried when you’d smoke

i knew it was for a bad reason when you did

but i couldn’t help but find it hot to taste the tobacco on your breath

secondhand death

i saw something she might like

it’s only natural instinct

i wouldn’t feel as weird if we hadn’t kissed

i feel like such a dumbass sometimes

i don’t think i was as self conscious with you

i won’t hit her up again until maybe next week

even thought after that she’ll be gone

did you see csh made a new live album?

you can finally listen to the version of crows that you fell in love with

recorded on the very night we were there

i should’ve made you go to that third show

even though i’m pretty sure you resented me for the first two

but those were some of the happiest moments of my life

i listened to bodys yesterday and tried to ignore my stomach ripping apart

it’s my song but i shared it with you

you played it whenever i said to throw something on

in some ways we were those awkward kids

who didn’t know how to dance

now i’m a washed up young adult who’s dependent on weed to get through the day

i’ve been smoking every single day

i hope to stop in november

but it’s hard when i keep picturing our last moments on that balcony sharing cigs

and at least i’m feeling something

as opposed to nothing

i feel a void of emotion - all negative if at all

it’s not sadness it’s something far bleaker

nothing

barely any hope

just the notion that i have to continue somehow

that looks like a cig

then i smoke my cig

like it’s weed

not the same kind you smoke

i was trying to be different

still hoping you feel me with every inhale

1 2 hold

exhale

you called me the day after she kissed me

almost as if you knew

inhale

one two hold

exhale

i bought a pack of cigs

the same kind you smoke

has anyone called you a petname?

yesterday

she called me beloved and it made me want to crawl my eyes out

the very word you once said

in that same exact tone

the one where you knew i was saying something ridiculous

or unintendedly disastrous

i miss you so much

i can’t go home without you

you’re the only place i wanna come back to

no matter what im doing i want to arrive at our doorstep

to rush in the kitchen to

tell you all about it

how ridiculous it was

how it didn’t feel like it did with you

how i thought “wow that was crazy, but i wish you would kiss me like that”

i thought about how weird it was this was happening with someone else

someone so different

and felt pretty nice

but the passion wasn’t like it was with you

i liked our banter and jokes but i missed how you understood me

in an instant

far more patient far more kind

far more loving

to be determined who’s more worthy of my time

it should be this one but the biomes aren’t compatible

meanwhile i always felt your body like my greatest curse and my deepest blessing

you were peace with passion comfort beyond my greatest imagination

my love

my baby

my doll

occasionally my angel

my dearest and my most true

countless words that cannot go to print

and forever my darling

i cherish that even tho we went to that awful van gogh experience - we stole roughly $40 worth of merchandise from their gift shop

when you told me you don’t remember half the things i tell you, i wondered if that meant you didn’t remember half of our experiences together either

i can never forget them. i’m trying hard but we went everywhere together. i walk around the city and feel like something is missing. i see random things and wanna tell you about them. it feels like a part of me can’t go home.

last night i woke up from a nap and you weren’t the first thing on my mind. i had a bunch of friends to text back. potential flings on dating apps.

i met someone who is so like me on every level. we texted until 3 am last night. i can’t remember the last time you and i had a night like that. it would require a certain level of honesty - one that you haven’t had for nearly a year.

i haven’t kissed anyone yet, let alone fucked anyone. but i desperately want to. i can’t think of sex without thinking of you. i need to replace your ghost with the flesh of the present.

just tell me one thing - when did things change for you? when did the love turn into indifference turn into deceit? i feel like at a certain point i was only ever reacting to your love for me. how u acted or felt - i tried to match the same.

when i found out - everything changed. now i’m in a stasis where i can’t think of you fondly. i was so naïve to think our love could last a lifetime. what am i supposed to be scared of when my worst fears all came true? and that the reality was even worse than what i imagined? i guess there’s no where to go but forward. you’re not my problem anymore. that obligation is forever severed.

i can’t remember if you really liked him or not

but u mentioned him a ton

u probably already know about it - maybe you’ve even gone to see it already

maybe you took someone there

maybe you went alone

either way i wanted you to know

i can’t look at paintings the same way anymore

sure it helped that i woke up from a disorienting nap, had a bunch of texts to respond to, and i’m pretty sure you were in my dream regardless - but an achievement is an achievement nevertheless.

i went to the corner store for some smokes

my last $20

i chose between menthols and your spirits

just so i could be a little bit closer

or maybe just someone that could like me and i wouldn’t hate the idea

i feel like a dumbass for not being patient

or not having an inch of nerve to get up and go out