Anonymous Blogs

I often wonder what my skin would feel like if I did nothing but wash it for about 12 hours a day. I wonder if anyone could ever truly understand me. I stood in the shower bare and wet as he watched me scrub my hair twice as I still felt dirty. He still watched me as I scrubbed my body about 5 times after he threw the shampoo away claiming my hair was clean after the first time I washed it. 

I brushed my teeth twice with blood covering the toothbrush I pleaded to be clean and thought to myself “Red is good because red means raw fresh skin. Normal colored skin is bad as it will spread germs.” I don’t want to harm anyone. 

I already feel responsible for 2 deaths. My nana’s which she passed from a heart condition and COPD and then my Poc’s death as well due to him having a whole bunch of heart attacks and I think a couple strokes. I often wonder if I had never been born if these problems would even exist in people I love’s lives.

I wish I could see the world through someone else’s eyes as I can’t see the beauty in things when people keep blaming me as if no one around them exists. I still feel dirty. Being told your dirty even indirectly brings back the memories of the hot breath on your neck and his nasty moled greased up hands on your body as you feel a sensation you had never felt before. 

My body’s response made me sit there and take it all I wanted to do was scream to get someone’s attention. I felt like since I didn’t move I wanted it. I still feel like that but no one will ever know that since I can’t tell anyone. I’ve been called an overly sexual child by an auntie who’s son blackmailed me into having sexual interactions with him but I would not be able to tell anyone that either due to the fact that he is younger than me and they always believe the one who is younger (typically)

I often wonder if I truly am polyamorous or if that’s just a response to the trauma I was put through and having 2-3 people harassing me all at the same time. I can’t stop thinking “Must get clean...need to stop the spread of the germs...can feel that air on my neck sending the shivers down my spine...have sex to take my mind off it.” I can’t even look at myself for things that I have no control over. 

You don’t see my worth, but I am not your toy, am I?

I shine when you are silent but I’m dull when you open your mouths. I don’t see why I bother talking when even I can dull someone’s worth. I don’t think I choose to though. 

You don’t see what your words do to me. But everyone else does. If you could would you still say such things?

I’m careful of my words usually, because of the fact that everyone’s words can tear me down in an instant. I see the battle I have internally. 

He touched my face and I shivered. It wasn’t a shiver of fear it was the delight of being touched. It felt like it had been forever since feeling that feeling. I released the sharpest breath that sounded as if he had just struck me but I was craving more. I let my breathing get heavier. Next thing I know he has me by my waist with one arm and the other hand on my face.

We stare into each other’s eyes deeply and just wonder what would happen if we let this go further. His wife would be so mad if she ever found out what he was doing when he said he was working late and my husband would freak out if he knew his brother came to visit while he works late.

I often wonder if my brother is with another woman as his brother is. “Jake I want you to take me right here on this island” I said slowly. “What if your children hears us?” He whispers in my ear. “I don’t care right now. I just want to have you all over this house” 

I’m tired of not being fuckin trusted. 

If u not gonna trust me or believe me then stay the Fuck out my life.

You picked me up like I was a shiny coin lying in the tall grass. Brushed off the dirt and grass the best you could. You took me home and placed me in a drawer ever so gently. Then you forgot I existed and could tarnish. With every word you spoke I became more and more damaged as I sat there and listened. 

I often wish you would have just left me in that field with all the other coins that were never found. I would have tarnished not from your neglect but from my own neglect. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt as bad as I turn green from the tarnish.