Iâm so ready for a Shay season but at the same time Iâm so not ready to watch her fight with herself and pretend to be straight. Austin has already made a point to show how much sheâs been struggling and itâs gonna hurt to see even more.
Shay may be the Isak of Austin but Shay is not like Isak. Isak knew he was gay before season 3 but he was still repressing himself. He just sort of seemed to be floating, purposefully not dealing with it and letting things just happen around him. While the way he was living wasnât sustainable, because he was still hurting himself as he went, if Even hadnât come along Isak would probably have just kept going for maybe another year? Maybe pushed until graduation? before things reached their breaking point. But Shay is already past that. She knows she likes girls. Based on her finsta rants, sheâs already accepted that she likes girls. While Isak sat there and insisted he wasnât one of those tights-wearing gay guys, Shayâs over here dreaming about shaving her head and dying it pink. Shay isnât repressing, sheâs hiding.
Actively acknowledging and accepting that sheâs gay means acknowledging why sheâs still in the closet. Sheâs scared. Sheâs living in one of the most conservative states in the country; she knows what happens to people who are different. Just last year she saw Zoya get âTERRORISTâ carved into her locker and Tyler get beat up by homophobes. Sheâs been placed face to face with the source of her fears, heck sheâs probably grown up with it breathing down her neck. She KNOWS what sheâs scared of, and she just sits with it, holding onto this giant weight of fear pinning her down that she canât get rid of.
Sheâs been almost or partially outed multiple times now. Megan and Grace finding out, Megan and Grace joking about it in the locker room, Megan kissing her in front of all of their classmates, even Tyler accidentally tagging her finsta in one of his posts. You know, that finsta that she keeps all those videos about liking girls on. It doesnât matter that the account is private, every one of these moments would have been accompanied by a stab of panic because what if this is it? What if this is how everyone finds out? The show made it clear that she felt these moments intensely (remember the look on her face before she wordlessly slammed her locker and walked away?)
Isak kind of went straight from denying even to himself that he was gay to having a boyfriend and being out. Yes he was aware of it before Even, but he was still trying his hardest to be straight. The acceptance of his own sexuality happened largely alongside his experience of being loved by Even. Shay isnât trying to be straight anymore, sheâs trying to pretend to be straight. She knows exactly what she is, but sheâs so scared of what will happen if she lets other people see. She hasnât experienced what itâs like to love a girl who loves her back, and she hasnât experienced anything that would make it seem worthwhile to come out, that would make her want to push past the fear weighing her down.
At the end of s2 she broke up with her boyfriend, and in her verse in Life in Italics she sings about moving on to a new life where she can just be herself and be happy. But singing about it is a world away from living it. Being able to sing about it means she can see the life she wants for herself, and can see exactly whatâs holding her back from reaching it. She can see the war inside her, and she knows the names of all of the players.
Itâs gonna hurt to see her fight with herself in season 3. Itâs gonna hurt to see her struggle with her deep seated fear and her opposing desire to be out. But eventually she will be on the other side. By the end of her season, she will finally be at the point that she is dreaming about now. She will have her soulmate, who will love her in ways she canât even imagine right now. Even with all the pain that will come before that, I canât wait to see her through to the end.
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