blimmy!

I got back into my tumblr 💜💜💜 I missed you hellsite

how do people just get liked instantly. how do you do that

i think people believe that near death experiences mean you come back better. when i died for only a minute, it destroyed my mental state so horribly that reality literally starts to bleed into what happened. every time i see a tree trunk laying flat in the woods, i can feel the splinters from where my poor sisters dragged my lifeless body over fallen trees and thorns. i cant be in cool lighting, it sends me straight back to waking up in that hospital. fully believed the bright lights i saw were the end. they said they used every smelling salt they could to try and bring me back from my state of shock. i didn’t smell that salts while awake but i swear i can feel the burn when i think about it enough. and then you’ve made it through what should have been the worst part, but it wasnt. mom freezes and changes the subject when it gets mentioned, and she straight up breaks down. my dad decided i was an adult officially after the probation that followed. (yes i got charged for dying, dont underage drink in strict areas) my siblings call me brave and strong. grandma says the things you saw in that state were a sign from god, but you know it was something much worse. when you die, they say you see a flash of your life. all i saw was an empty field and a deer with human teeth. what does that say about me?

ive lied so much i cant seem to remember whats true

i dont wanna be trans right now. this is really scary man.

i don’t know if you will ever really know how deeply i love you. thank you for letting me be soft.

you’re so beautiful. why do guys get eyelashes nine inches long. im in love with you.

“everyone is in love with my boyfriend” i say, rocking back and forth in my padded room

There are so many people living in me. in my head. in my heart. Haylee is who i was born as. Haylee is kind, loving, and naive. Haylee would risk herself for the sake of people who would never do the same for her. She didn’t mind. Haylee saw beauty in everything, and she believed the world was still good. Chase fully emerged somewhere around 7th grade. Chase is still kind, but with a thick cold shell. He’s loud, but he is so passionate about everything he screams about. Chase is my favorite. He is brave and mysterious, and he has no problem making friends. Blim is newer. Blim is messy, quiet and clumsy. Blim is much more mature than the other two. Blim is the adult. Right now, I am Blim. But I will always carry the others with me until they feel like making their next appearance.

saw one of my posts screenshotted and put on twitter. it really sat with me because i realize that thousands of people read my words and found them good enough to at least acknowledge, and i can’t tell you how that feels. being autistic, i have a really hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words, so writing them down is one of the best ways for me to share how i feel. i have grown to have a decent platform on multiple social media apps, which i believe is mostly due to the fact that im a conventionally attractive afab, but on tumblr i haven’t shown my face and people still engage. i genuinely thank every one of you for giving me a space to talk freely 💗

sometimes i am a child again, praying that god will fix me. sometimes i am 8 years old with my knees to my chest in my elementary school’s bathroom crying because i know i am different. sometimes i am 12 again, in my first year of middle school, wondering why i must fight so hard to fit in when the people around me seem to have it figured out. every birthday is a reminder that i will never be normal, that every year that passed is just another year full of “you’re just so weird” and “hush, you’re being too loud”. once, after i got my diagnosis, i sat on my bedroom floor, hugging my stupid pokémon plushies and sobbing, because being unique can only get you so far. autism isn’t just a thing i can push aside and hide forever. autism shaped who i am. i talk too loud, i cry too easily, the things that bring me joy are “too weird”. its so hard to be so full of love for the world when the world just sees you as an outsider.

beep boop

every part of me is borrowed. My father’s rage, my mother’s empathy, my first girlfriend’s sense of adventure and wonder. My grandmother’s hope for the world. My little sister’s bravery. My boyfriend’s sharp wit, the little girl from my preschool class’s love of all living things. I’m not sure if anything is uniquely mine. When i was a kid i would sit and wonder if anyone was thinking the same thing as me at the same time, now I know that someone out there is. Maybe some find it sad to not be one of a kind, but i think it’s beautiful. We all lean on each other, strangers or friends. The impact people leave on each other is beautiful. Strangers in the grocery store with pretty smiles, old ladies in the park feeding the birds and squirrels, a father seeing his baby for the first time. The world seems so ugly until you squint and pay closer attention.