blimmy!

I got back into my tumblr 💜💜💜 I missed you hellsite

how do people just get liked instantly. how do you do that

you’re so beautiful. why do guys get eyelashes nine inches long. im in love with you.

sometimes i am a child again, praying that god will fix me. sometimes i am 8 years old with my knees to my chest in my elementary school’s bathroom crying because i know i am different. sometimes i am 12 again, in my first year of middle school, wondering why i must fight so hard to fit in when the people around me seem to have it figured out. every birthday is a reminder that i will never be normal, that every year that passed is just another year full of “you’re just so weird” and “hush, you’re being too loud”. once, after i got my diagnosis, i sat on my bedroom floor, hugging my stupid pokémon plushies and sobbing, because being unique can only get you so far. autism isn’t just a thing i can push aside and hide forever. autism shaped who i am. i talk too loud, i cry too easily, the things that bring me joy are “too weird”. its so hard to be so full of love for the world when the world just sees you as an outsider.

beep boop

every part of me is borrowed. My father’s rage, my mother’s empathy, my first girlfriend’s sense of adventure and wonder. My grandmother’s hope for the world. My little sister’s bravery. My boyfriend’s sharp wit, the little girl from my preschool class’s love of all living things. I’m not sure if anything is uniquely mine. When i was a kid i would sit and wonder if anyone was thinking the same thing as me at the same time, now I know that someone out there is. Maybe some find it sad to not be one of a kind, but i think it’s beautiful. We all lean on each other, strangers or friends. The impact people leave on each other is beautiful. Strangers in the grocery store with pretty smiles, old ladies in the park feeding the birds and squirrels, a father seeing his baby for the first time. The world seems so ugly until you squint and pay closer attention.