shadow.

To start off, I feel like you only ever saw the bad in me—and I think you probably still see me that way. It’s strange how much resentment can cloud your entire view of someone. It must be so easy to hate someone when you make note of every single flaw and mistake, whether big or small.

I’m not suffering without you like I thought I’d be, but I must admit, I still wish you would come back around. As much as you seem to be convinced that i’m a stupid, self-centered bitch who never actually cared about you, I think I loved you more than anyone else in the world. And the truth of the matter is, I love you still. I don’t think that will ever change.

I will admit that I was not kind to you. I’ll admit that I hurt you. I’ll admit that i’ve lied. I’ll admit that I was selfish at times. That I was inconsiderate and immature. That I was sometimes quick to react with anger and defensiveness, even when you didn’t deserve it. I’ll admit that I sometimes handled things poorly, even when my intentions were far from malicious. I will also admit that I can understand why you interpreted some of my actions the way that you did, even if I truly did not mean them how you took them. And i’ll admit that i’ve only realized some of that in retrospect. But I did love you. And I was trying a lot harder than I feel you ever gave me credit for. And i’ll admit that it was hard to feel sorry when it seemed like you truly believed I was the only one who ever did anything wrong. Like every single problem we had was always my fault. But i’m sorry now, even though I still kinda wish you would try to consider my side of things too. Wanting you to recognize my pain doesn’t take away from my ability to recognize my own faults.

I want you to know that I miss you. I feel like you’ll probably be pleased to know that you hurt me by leaving. Maybe i’m wrong, but I highly doubt you wish anything good for me. I’m almost sure you’re probably hoping that I hurt. That’s how you always were with all the other friends you cut off. But I’ll admit that I do hope I mattered more to you than they did. That you have a harder time wishing me the worst—even if it’s only by a little.

I also want you to know that I am truly sorry for any pain I caused you and that I really never meant to hurt you. Despite the view you seem to have of me, causing you pain was never something I wanted to do. I wish I could apologize to you directly, but I don’t think you’d genuinely accept anything like that from me. Even if you’d be kind to me on the surface, I know you’re not typically one to forgive.

Speaking to you became hard because I felt like no matter what I said, you found some kind of issue with it. I think that’s another reason I feel like I can’t apologize to you directly. I feel like nothing I could say would ever be enough for you. It hurts to know that, though. I would do anything for you to forgive me. There’s so much I’d do differently with you if I was given the chance.

I know that this is a mess, but if you see this, I want you to know that I love you. Still. And i’m sorry. And if reading this made you feel anything other than anger, I would love to hear your voice again sometime.