🚬

🗝₊˚⊹♡ hi i'm Lia! welcome to my blog :3 🗝₊˚⊹♡

( they/it/he — polyamorous lesbian -— 5'2 — pierced :3)

🗝₊˚⊹♡ i'm a college student in BPD remission. I listen to a lot of music and live in a trailer and have two girlfriends, a qpp, and a cat. I also like to draw, although I dont do that as much as I used to. I also love making sideblogs and run like...12 of them.. or something. I love spam liking and my mutuals! 🗝₊˚⊹♡

🗝₊˚⊹♡ interests 🗝₊˚⊹♡ body modification, music, hello kitty, cats, coffee, my partners, digital art, menthol cigarettes, pink,, :3, cartoons, sideblogs

🗝₊˚⊹♡ i am an artist and my commissions are open! you can find me on kofi as pinkiepiepoison ! Feel free to dm me or send me an ask about art & commission things !! 🗝₊˚⊹♡

🗝₊˚⊹♡ sideblogs & more under the cut! 🗝₊˚⊹♡

🗝₊˚⊹♡ diagnoses 🗝₊˚⊹♡ BPD, ODD, ADHD, MDD Other Specified Anxiety Disorder (including social anxiety), OCD (unspecified), Other Specified Depressive Episodes, Kleptomania, Hoarding Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa (past/recovered for 2 years), etc (?). most of these diagnoses have been professionally diagnosed by a psychiatrist, all of them have been medically recognized.

🗝₊˚⊹♡ BPD 🗝₊˚⊹♡ while my bpd symptoms have improved drastically due to consistent effort, change, and implementation of dbt, i still struggle with it alot. Even when someone with bpd enters remission, you will still struggle with it for the rest of your life, however the symptoms are considered manageable. i am typically more unstable, impulsive, and see an otherwise overall increase in my bpd symptoms in summer (think like the opposite of seasonal depression). i still split semi frequently, although i rarely have bpd episodes/meltdowns anymore. some of my main current struggles with bpd are attachment/relationship instability, hoarding, mood swings/ splitting, self destructive thoughts/urges/longings, delusional thinking patterns, etc.

THIS PINNED IS A WIP

HI IF U MADE IT THIS FAR IM NOT DONE!!! im planning on splitting up alot of the discussion i have under here into its own posts and then link them :3 i also wanna add more cute images and hello kitty and pink and glitter u get the gist. but yippee

-Order Totis's meds on Chewy - Finish letter to R - Schoowork due yesterday - Schoolwork due this week - Schoolwork due next week - Fix SIM card - Pay electric bill - Pay water bill - Pack for trip - Study for tests - Send mom receipts - Update fiancee's debt - Update household expenses chart - Remake pinned - Annotate book - Clean out car - Download music for local files -Make playlists - Gather little sister's stuff - Come up with study plans - Plan shopping date? - D/S research for fiancee - Find psychiatrist for fiancee - Schedule bloodwork - Schedule dentist appt.- Text manager about recognition board - Review work on calendar - Pack 'driving clothes' - Find webcam for tests - Plan day to visit parents house - Defensive driving course - Find legal insurance ID - Pick paint for my room - Organize living room - Pick up furniture for C (keep an eye out) - Schedule repipe? - Schedule more therapist consults for fiancee - Draw? - Organize makeup - Throw out trash in car - Shower - Make eisenhower matrix - Deposit cash

At the house:

History: i 'figured out'/ entered my first polyamorous relationship when I was 13, and while it went badly (because we were all mentally ill teenagers) it was with the first person I dated and functionally a continuation of my first relationship. The other girl who we dated was wonderful and even after the polycule as a whole dissolved me & her continued dating for over a year afterwards. Since that was the start of my dating life, I have only been in a closed, monogamous, or mongamish relationship twice, and both of these relationships didnt stay that way. I've been in open & closed polycules, open relationships, hinges, tried swinging, etc.

BPD & Polyamory: I have found, because of my BPD & obsessive/emotionally dependent tendencies (etc etc I could go on here but I wont), when I date only one person I will get incredibly & unhealthily attached. This is the only person I want to see ever, I cannot function when we are not interacting, I typically overwhelm this person due to both the outpouring of love/affection and clinginess, insecurity, and need for reassurance. I have found, with polyamory, I am significantly less likely to develop a 'fixated person/favorite person' attachment commonly seen in BPD. So, in a sense, polyamory is functionally useful for me in managing how my mental illness affects my relationships, because BPD causes severe interpersonal impairments especially in intimate relationships. After my experience with monogamish relationships, I came to the understanding that when I am trying to prepare myself to be 'ready to be in a relationship', for me that means having the capacity to be with multiple people, as it does not go well for me to be with just one.

Obviously, I do work on my BPD, and I am aware that some of these symptoms have already alleviated & will continue to alleviate. I know that especially these negative symptoms of being entirely and wholly attached, dependent on, and devoted to one person would not persist to the same extent if I were to say, try getting into a monogamous relationship now. And I would not say that polyamory is something that 'fixes' this for me. There are other more positive/neurodivergent symptoms of BPD that I also find polyamory more fulfilling for.

For example, people with BPD tend to have heightened emotions and for me this has also always felt like I 'love too hard' and i 'love too much'. People with BPD can also be higher needs in relationships, and it can be difficult for one partner to healthily provide everything emotionally that I want and feel that I need. Having multiple partner means both that I have more people to love, so my love/expressions of affection/ and demands for attention tend to overwhelm one person less since they are not the sole target. And since they are also not the solve provider of all of my romantic attention, physical affection, and love, my needs and desires are more able to be met without burning out one partner.

Of course, there are a lot of ways BPD makes polyamory much harder & more effortful for me to engage in, but that is a given. I tend to get much more jealous and emotional, which is harder to manage with polyamory, since there are more opportunities for this emotion to open up. It takes much more effort on my part to be able to maintain more than one relationship, and handle stuff with my partners. I am definitely still learning.

General: Honestly though, I love being polyamorous, and prefer it to being in a monogamous relationship. I would choose this even if I did not have a personality disorder. I love being able to be with multiple people, I am able to love multiple people at one time without that affecting how I feel or am committed to one partner. When I was younger, I never had one crush at one time. I love watching my partners interact, and talking to my girlfriend about a new crush. I much prefer polycules to open relationships. I love being able to share my love for someone with someone else, and have someone to rant and complain and squeal to about my partner who really gets it. I love my partners, and I would not have an issue feeling 'fulfilled' being with only one of them, but I know they would not ask me to make that choice and I would much rather be with both of them. Our lives are so intertwined, even when the other person is not there we feel their presence in our relationship.

It has been hard for me lately because I have developed severe caregiver burnout and managing one relationship, let alone multiple, can be especially draining and difficult. However, I am trying to teach myself that its okay to reach out to my partners for support when I need help, instead of only when I personally feel adequate to hang out with them. My own personal views on failure, success, and adequacy tend to shoot me in the foot, and branch out into my relationships. I definitely have work to do in being a better partner and polyamorous individual, but this is how it is for me :3