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I feel like shit. I can’t be productive. I’m on a somewhat regular sleep schedule but I’m tired all the time. People around me are dying (relatives of people on tumblr/friends). I feel like my time is running out. Like I have nothing more to do here. I feel like a failure. A failure that’s being recalled and replaced by someone better. I’m a fucking waste of space. I shouldn’t be here. I’m a mistake. My time is up and what have I done with it. Jack shit. What a fucking moron. Useless piece of shit. I shouldn’t be here.

I feel worse tonight than before. I have a friend on tumblr. She’s not very open but we’ve become close in a way. She knows more about me than I do her. I think I care more for her than she does me. She says she cares. I believe her. She stayed up with me when I needed someone. Still. I care for her a lot. She has a boyfriend. I think she cares about him more than anyone. It makes sense. It’s how it should be. But I find myself jealous. I envy her affection for him. They seem to know a lot about each other. They spend a lot of time together. He probably knows more about her than I do. It should be fine. This is how it should be. But it hurts to think of it. I’m an awful person for it. I shouldn’t expect so much of her. She has no obligation to care as much as I do. I shouldn’t even care this much. I don’t know why I do. And I can’t go to her with this problem. It wouldn’t be fair. I should just be happy with the time I get. I shouldn’t be so greedy. So needy. So fucking needy. I hate being needy. I hate when someone needs me. I’m such a fucking hypocrite.

watching a bad scary movie but not rly paying attention

grandma’s being obnoxious but not too bad, or at least everyone’s handling it well

made a decent joke and made my cousin laugh

but I just feel detached from everything. I don’t feel like I belong here, or that anyone wants me here, at least not as I am

they want me to open up and talk more. they don’t want me the way I am

they don’t want me to leave, either.

“you’ll miss ___” “you can make friends here” “jobs pay more here”

then they say “it’s your decision”

it doesn’t feel like it

why do they have to try and change my mind

why can’t they just support me

why do I have to defend my every decision

as if I even get that chance

I shouldn’t have started this post. I was in a decent mood. Now I’m just tired.

But my feelings don’t matter. The moment I go to reach out to someone, I know they’ll tell me, “It is scary, but you have to do it. You can do it. You’ll get used to it. Just try.” It’s just not that easy. I can’t see myself succeeding at all. I’m not capable of much. I’m not responsible. I can’t drive. I’m forgetful. I’m slow. I have poor social skills. I have little motivation. I’m useless.

This got off track.

My feelings don’t matter. No one actually cares about how I’m feeling. They just want me to grow up. Pay bills. Drive. Be responsible. I know it’s all necessary. I know I need to do it. I just wish someone would tell me it’s okay to feel this way. I want them to say they’ll be there for me. And I don’t want it from a stranger, nor do I want to have to ask for it. I don’t want to be looked at like I’m a problem to be fixed. I want some fucking sympathy.

I just really want someone to give to me what I try to give everyone else.

I try to be the person you can lean on - the one who you know will always be there to be whatever you need. I try to do that for anyone who wants it. I give myself to others so easily but no one does it for me. No one ever reaches out to me. No one ever checks in to ask how I’m doing.

I’m a fucking liar and I only remember what’s convenient for me. I’m such a self-pitying asshole. There’s one person who’s been there ever since I met him and I never reach out. I’m such a fucking hypocrite. I’m disgusted with myself.