#4:01pm

لنّ تجد جمالاً يضاهي رقتي وحدّة حضوري.

My mom always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Nothing I ever do is good enough. If I wash a dish or wipe a counter, she comes up behind me and does it all over again because whatever I do isn’t up to her standards. My siblings are a lot older than me and had more opportunities of growth than I’ve gotten and she still holds me to those standards. She doesn’t even bother asking me what’s wrong, she only points out that everything I do is wrong. She doesn’t understand that being productive is hard if you don’t even wanna be alive every day. Having to wake up is genuinely the worst part of my day. She was too focused on chasing men to realize that I needed her. She was never there when I needed her. I needed her when I was being abused and extorted by my ex. I needed her when I was getting beat every day. I needed her when my dad died. I needed her when I had no socks or clothes for school. I needed her when I would sleep instead of eating because there was nothing to eat. I needed her when I wanted to kill myself. I needed her when I was struggling with my addictions. I needed her when even leaving the house was just too much for me. I needed her when I couldn’t speak up for myself and she was never there. I’ve never had a shoulder to cry on or someone I can fall back on. My room is a mess, my body is a mess, my life is a mess. I genuinely am getting tired of having to wake up every day. Nothing I ever do is good enough and my mother only reminds me of that.

Oh god I feel so bad that I think I want to barf

In need of some good old fashioned since of purpose