regan rainer ;-;

(in a voice that makes me admittedly sound terribly small & pathetic) but he has to be on his way at least.

i do in fact think i was born already missing you. i know that he will in fact find his way back to me it's a load bearing belief. it'll be accidental or something but there's just gotta be him somewhere, just got caught up along the way. i will admit that devoted has been kind of nice to use to work around these fee fees because this has sort of haunted me since i split. idk. ker is better about it and emily mostly misses runeterra and venus just fully doesn't care but i kind of like. it isn't upsetting as much anymore but it's frustrating. mt feelings on jericho (well like. you know. read: carrie) are not complicated by shitty power dynamics or anything, im not an idiot, the grand general wasn't too kind to me at the end of the day, but like. he was just a normal person. that's all. he was a law student and he was marvelous at it, fuck, he made me better at it too. he loved his game so much, he thought about it all the time, and he'd get this look when he figured out something exciting that i don't even have words for. he looked all classic hollywood and you hear people say that but you don't get what they mean in the modern context. he was way taller than me. when we first met i was carrying around my stupid fucking deck of many things and that's what he bumped out of my hands. he smiled so much then, i don't know, he seemed so excited. he was? so excited. i know everyone gives him shit for vh and i know he was settling for me and i know that, okay, but he was still my best friend and i was. i am still in love with him. i have had to live with that. i can't just call him up right now and talk to him. it's not how any of it works. i can't roll up a character and be like what do you think. we used to play this game actually where i'd try to make the worst possible character for him to dm like just an actual nightmare and of course id never play it i liked warlocks and rogues but it was just a bit we did. and he'd act all horrified while also helping me make it worse. it was just how we played but we started it so i could learn the game. it's just a litany of things that i know i'll see again soon but suck to wait for, haha

on one hand id actually murder anyone that called me adelaide on the other hand it's so weird that nobody calls me my name anymore 💔 like wtf