Love Asra Worst-Time-For-A-Boner Alnazar

I don’t know how to process the fact that my mother doesn’t seem to genuinely hear anything I say or be self aware in any capacity.

It’s always been tricky for me because she’s not really a narcissistic parent. She’s not a parent who refuses to apologize or even actively guilt trips. But she is an incredibly emotionally immature parent. And probably neuro divergent but reluctant to ever acknowledge or cope in any healthy way.

She self sacrifices and doesn’t exactly guilt me for it. She says a lot of the “right” things but her actions don’t add up. She hates herself and can’t even recognize it and thus will be in denial about the reality of that self hatred in a way that makes repair impossible.

But at the end of the day, she still can’t see me. She still can’t actually grasp the impact of her behavior, the way she doesn’t see me. The way she lashes out and parentifies me. She cannot understand cause and effect. Even if she can understand how behavior in the past has deeply hurt me and apologizes it’s like she cannot take that knowledge extrapolate and infer how that presents today.

It’s like each incident of behavior is a new one. And she will fully have gaps in memory. At times I will ask her what did I just say, and not only will she not remember, say the wrong thing, but then she will deny that it happened. She will forget whole conversations and then act like it’s such a big deal to ask her to remember “every little detail”.

And when I bring up to her the aspect that oh she’s a pessimistic person, she complains all the time, and how her negative skew of things makes her completely oblivious to any progress I make or any thing that I contribute she’s all surprise Pikachu face.

But she never asks why is there discrepancy between my self perception and how I am read in the world. She never asks questions about herself. And you gotta fight her to get her to recognize. If she acknowledges shes co-dependent after years of telling her and giving her resources she never checks out. And I mention it later she’ll be like “you think I’m still codependent?” As a genuine question.

LIKE GIRL. AT WHAT POINT DID YOU DO THE WORK TO FIX IT OR LEARN ABOUT IT. Like what was your thought process to get from point A to B. And it’s like she HAS no thought process. She lives in a world of magical thinking 24/7 and any attempt to bring it ups results in a shame shutdown where she’ll show remorse. And she doesn’t say it aloud unless backed in a corner but she will internalize it as “wow I’m fucked up”.

Then it’s like none of that happens it gets suppressed until the next incident. And I just…I can’t. She will never understand how much heartbreak exists in keeping trying over and over to meet her where she’s at, and not only to go unrecognized, but be actively fought on it, then blamed or treated like I’m rude and uncaring when I’m burnt out. To be treated like I’m asking for too much.

When I have to put up more boundaries etc. she acts like she’s doing it for me. Like no bitch I’m protecting myself from you because you choose ignorance over and over again. And she has too much pride and self preservation I guess to admit her limitations. The denial about her own limitations coupled with the chronic lack of action means heartbreak over and over.

And her inability to connect the dots means she will never see conflict as a continuation or consequence of prolonged behavior. She will never internalize it in a constructive way. If you bring anything up you just demotivate her and trigger the shut down and forget. If you don’t say anything you’re either betraying yourself or getting blamed.

And it hurts. It fucking hurts. Because I don’t know how to stop trying to fix things. I don’t know how to not be impacted by her comments and behavior. I don’t know how to not be bothered when I’m angry and want nothing to do with her. I can get so angry even her presence makes me want to break something.

And to her it’s out of nowhere, for no reason. It’s “I don’t treat you like that” you’re right you don’t because you just do the silent kind of disrespect. You do the neglectful kind of disrespect. The one that silently kills. And I feel crazy or like an abuser when I want to say something like: every problem you have between us is your fault before it is mine.

Because it’s like you can’t be nuanced with her. Any form of nuance is a way for her to delude herself into thinking something doesn’t apply to her. Because it’s like some way or another it is her fault. That the reason I am snappy, don’t want to hear her run her mouth, am short with her etc. is because she has repeatedly refused to get help. That she has continued to break my heart over and over. That she has continued to neglect me. And blame me. Continued to take me for granted and the invisible emotional labor I put into keeping us even functional while also trying to heal while also trying to move forward in my life.

And when I do try to be nicer because my inner child is sad and misses their mom, she takes that to mean everything is okay. She has no concern for how heart breaking it is to have to cut that part of yourself off. To guard it. She only thinks about how that cold behavior hurts her. She so self involved even if she’s outwardly selfless to a fault. And she will never see how much pain that causes.

I don’t know how to untangle from that. How do I accept help or kindness from her that I may need to survive and not pull myself into this dynamic. I hate it so much. I hate that she will never see me. And I hate getting nuggets of hope. I hate broken promises. I hate that the most.

Maybe I’m jaded but it feels so selfish to keep making broken promises because all it does is soothe her shame. I don’t care how genuine she may be in the moment. It’s its own twisted kind of cruelty. Theres a unique (not worse) kind of pain in harm done from neglect and lack of thought.

Sometimes a part of me may think I almost wish you’d intentionally hurt me. At least I could feel justified in my anger. It’s the back and forth. The lack of thought. The lack of action coupled with the self hate she exhibited but refuses to see. What am I supposed to do with that. How am I supposed to react to that. I *wish* she’d grow a back bone. I wish she’d take her own healing seriously. Because she puts that responsibility on me.

I wish we could dead the idea that “oh people are stupid on the internet” “humanity is stupid” etc. because it’s really brining out some of the most arrogant and vile behavior on social media.

Like idk I’ve been watching people pop off about hurricane milton berating people for not leaving etc. but not even just that it’s everywhere. And people wonder why people online are rude, never seek further context etc. and I truly believe it’s because they have normalized this idea that everyone around them is stupid because “stupid people online”.

Assuming that you have more common sense, more knowledge etc. because you have one nugget of information and you come across like an asshole. Like the majority of people you interact with online believe it or not are not idiots. But yall be waiting, salivating at the opportunity to run into one of these mythical idiots to put them in their place and actually end up being the one to look dumb as hell.

The obsession with condescendingly proving one’s superiority online is so goddamn irritating. When half the time yall don’t have the range to be making those judgement calls. Don’t have the depth of knowledge, or discernment to actually grasp situations but just hopping on the bandwagon of the next half baked idea yall see.

I have done this too, and guess what, I’ve been severely humbled by it. The amount of times I’ve gone into a situation, heard a few key phrases I thought meant someone was not as informed, or not as progressive, radical, smart etc. as me because I had a half baked understanding of an ideology and got severely checked because turns out they were more experienced, nuanced and practiced than me. And I opened my mouth to talk out the side of my neck instead of asking questions. But some of y’all can’t even be humbled. Some of yall double down.

It’s so fucking irritating. Can’t tell some of yall NOTHING. Some of yall are mediocre or average at best thinking everyone else around you is stupider. Or you’re used to being the only one with a progressive, radical, or even sensible view because maybe that’s all you’re around irl. But once you get in a niche you are often times not the most informed. Don’t have the depth to discern or take in nuance. You listen to argue not listen to learn. You’re already primed to think the other is stupider than you. WITHIN yalls own communities.

And genuinely yall be the ones contributing to the very same things yall shout as a media literacy problem, etc. like babes, you’re actively participating in the conditions that breed that behavior. That doesn’t mean take in every bad take. But it literally hurts no one to ask questions first. It literally hurts no one to tone down the condescension, on the simple principle of: if you are wrong you look like not just a dumbass but a rude dumbass.

Please I beg, give up your gotcha points for actual communication skills. And when someone is committed to understanding you, or on some true dumbassory bullshit, then block them. Most of yall do not have the range or credentials to be acting as arrogant as yall are. Even when yall are right, a lot of times it’s: wow I just learned this new thing last week how dare you not know this too, type vibe. It’s actively harmful to building any kind of literacy any kind of growth.

You cannot shame people into being smarter, and you are not that far above the people you think are stupid to be abandoning them. You’re average at best. Y’all need to practice some damn self reflection and emotional regulation to figure out why the only way you feel validated in your thoughts is through the vilifying, and putting down another person.