Blackout Mode

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You drunk talkin shit all the way up to the moment. You can’t really expect me to lay down and be ready to get my mouth pounded by your dick. Nah bruh...I’m going to bed. Good night

A nigga will have the most beautiful, loyal and devoted woman and slowly try to destroy her. It’s sad watching him fuck up the best thing he ever had. It’s hard to watch. His alcoholism turns him into a disgusting person. His trauma causes him to blame any and everyone but himself. The worst part about it all is that all of his suffering is at the hand of his own actions. He refused to acknowledge or see it. It’s his birthday and he thinks I’m supposed to go far out and beyond to make him feel special. But for my birthday he did absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Mother’s Day it was the same. The mother of two of his children and he couldn’t even get me a card. But he’s complaining because I wouldn’t go to the store to get liquor. He has me go downstairs to get the glasses with ice. He wants me to wash his clothes, fix his hair, cook him steak, and suck his dick. All this while dealing with the kids and cleaning the house. Now he’s acting like a little boy. I can’t keep this going. He’s pushing me towards savagery. He’s forcing me to leave him. It’s sad how delusional he is. It’s pathetic how he refuses to see how self destructive he is. He’s fucking up a beautiful situation and doesn’t even see it. He walks out the room saying, ‘I k ow you Auntie t stupid.’ As if I would be afraid to step out on him. Why would I be afraid of that? What is he giving me to hold on to?

A new development. He has also been drinking. I asked as one condition of him coming back here that he not come here when he drinks. That he do so elsewhere. Another boundary crossed. And he doesn’t give not one shit. He stinks of alcohol and his demeanor is of a drunk. I have nothing left to say to him. He is nothing but a constant disappointment. All I want is him out of my life.

It’s 7am. No school today. All the kids are sleep. He wakes up and is slamming doors. He’s rubbing something out of his pants in the hallway on the squeaky ass ironing board. He’s huffing and puffing. Just making as much noise as possible with no regard to the baby, little one or oldest still sleeping. Already I’m annoyed. But he has his uncle’s funeral to go to today, and will use that as an excuse to be an asshole. I have a lot to do today, so I’m hoping he chooses to spend the day doing trifling shit with his fam afterwards. I don’t have the patience that he needs today. How can I when he spends almost everyday complaining and acting as if his life is in shambles? Degrading what I do as a mother and woman. Now he’s stretching loudly. All this for what? I mean really why is he doing all this? And I have come to the conclusion that it’s because he wants me to react. He is feeling a way so he needs an excuse to be a piece of shit. Well I’m not giving it to him today. If he wakes those kids up, I’m going to go downstairs like it’s not even a problem. All the way up til he walks out the door, nothing will be a problem. But he also ain’t getting shit from me. No conversation. Nothing. My tolerance is gone. He’s definitely trying to wake the kids up. We have control over bodily functions like stretching and yawning. It doesn’t have to be this loud groan. He’s up so we all must be up. He has something to do so fuck everyone else’s sleep. This is the fourth time he has loudly yawned. And I swear if I say something to him about it he will play dumb. He will say, ‘all I did was yawn, damn.’ He just yawned loudly again...that’s five now. Maybe if from now on I choose not to engage, he’ll realize that what he does is incredibly childish and stupid. I doubt it.

This is an abusive relationship. He will not leave. The cops are no help when he gets crazy and violent. So I’m going to do what I have to do. For me and my kids, this cannot endure. He’s oblivious to his own toxicity. He truly believes that I should be with him NO MATTER WHAT. Now I believe his ex when she would tell me she’d tell him to leave and he wouldn’t. That she didn’t want to be with him and he would always come right back. I believe her because I’m living it. He doesn’t understand that if you don’t treat someone right, that they will break up with you and find a new relationship to be in. One that more so coincides with their lifestyle and happiness. He really sees nothing wrong with two people being together miserably and that scares the shit out of me. I will not spend forever in a nightmare. This will not be my life.

Go back to the wack/stank pussy, stank breath, dick sucking, ugly ass for everybody bitch you had before me. Yeah, the one who had to buy your love when it was for sale. Who lied about being able to bare your children knowing damn well them tubes were tied. Go and deal with ya wack ass babymom who dangles your daughter in front of you for money, yet has no intentions on allowing you to have a real, father daughter relationship with her. Let’s face it, she has a dad. And judging by the car BM has and programs she has her kids in, he takes care of them very well. Deal with ya family that not one has any aspirations towards sobriety or healing. Who constantly fight and tear each other down while smiling in your face. The family who your children have absolutely nothing to do with. Go back to the streets you love so much. You know, the place where addiction runs rampant. Where jail or death is just around the corner. Go back to the ‘that’s life’ mentality, where you chuck all your poor decisions to ‘hey, that’s just what happens.’ Everyone else is to blame. If it wasn’t for this person or that person doing this, such and such would have never happened. Go back to the no accountability with comfort. Because you will not find comfort here on the bare minimum, half assed nonsensical bullshit. You fight so hard to get everyone to accept your selfishness. Your narcissism. But I say, go back! You ain’t ready for big man responsibilities. So go back.

Black men raised by horrible mothers have it all backwards when it comes to loving a black woman. They will find the most beautiful, intelligent and loyal woman. They will do anything to get her to love, trust and respect. They will gain her heart. And then, be it their insecurities or deep rooted resentment for black women, they will slowly destroy her. Her confidence, her glow will evoke jealousy and accusations. Her ability to handle job, kids and home will fuel resentment. Her love and devotion is foreign to him. It becomes too much. He will seek validation elsewhere. Something to take away the feelings of insecurity. Of not being enough. Unable to see that for her, he would always be enough. If only he’d let down his guard and love her. But the degradation of his mother is ever weighing. Her vernal attacks have now become the subconscious voice in his head. He can’t see past his pain. So he does what hurt people do, and he hurts her. Over and over again he will break her heart. Never fully understanding that it is his own heart that needs healing.