#blackjournaling

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A nigga will have the most beautiful, loyal and devoted woman and slowly try to destroy her. It’s sad watching him fuck up the best thing he ever had. It’s hard to watch. His alcoholism turns him into a disgusting person. His trauma causes him to blame any and everyone but himself. The worst part about it all is that all of his suffering is at the hand of his own actions. He refused to acknowledge or see it. It’s his birthday and he thinks I’m supposed to go far out and beyond to make him feel special. But for my birthday he did absolutely nothing. NOTHING. Mother’s Day it was the same. The mother of two of his children and he couldn’t even get me a card. But he’s complaining because I wouldn’t go to the store to get liquor. He has me go downstairs to get the glasses with ice. He wants me to wash his clothes, fix his hair, cook him steak, and suck his dick. All this while dealing with the kids and cleaning the house. Now he’s acting like a little boy. I can’t keep this going. He’s pushing me towards savagery. He’s forcing me to leave him. It’s sad how delusional he is. It’s pathetic how he refuses to see how self destructive he is. He’s fucking up a beautiful situation and doesn’t even see it. He walks out the room saying, ‘I k ow you Auntie t stupid.’ As if I would be afraid to step out on him. Why would I be afraid of that? What is he giving me to hold on to?

It’s 7am. No school today. All the kids are sleep. He wakes up and is slamming doors. He’s rubbing something out of his pants in the hallway on the squeaky ass ironing board. He’s huffing and puffing. Just making as much noise as possible with no regard to the baby, little one or oldest still sleeping. Already I’m annoyed. But he has his uncle’s funeral to go to today, and will use that as an excuse to be an asshole. I have a lot to do today, so I’m hoping he chooses to spend the day doing trifling shit with his fam afterwards. I don’t have the patience that he needs today. How can I when he spends almost everyday complaining and acting as if his life is in shambles? Degrading what I do as a mother and woman. Now he’s stretching loudly. All this for what? I mean really why is he doing all this? And I have come to the conclusion that it’s because he wants me to react. He is feeling a way so he needs an excuse to be a piece of shit. Well I’m not giving it to him today. If he wakes those kids up, I’m going to go downstairs like it’s not even a problem. All the way up til he walks out the door, nothing will be a problem. But he also ain’t getting shit from me. No conversation. Nothing. My tolerance is gone. He’s definitely trying to wake the kids up. We have control over bodily functions like stretching and yawning. It doesn’t have to be this loud groan. He’s up so we all must be up. He has something to do so fuck everyone else’s sleep. This is the fourth time he has loudly yawned. And I swear if I say something to him about it he will play dumb. He will say, ‘all I did was yawn, damn.’ He just yawned loudly again...that’s five now. Maybe if from now on I choose not to engage, he’ll realize that what he does is incredibly childish and stupid. I doubt it.