any pronouns. 20

i’d been maintaining and i felt so good and so happy and lately i’ve been feeling rlly depressed and started eating a lot more (plus holidays) and i gained six pounds i’m back up to 189.2 i’m gonna 🤯🔫 🤠

it’s the way i “recover” every three months and then gain five pounds and come crawling back to this account for me

been shitting literal liquid for the past 24 hours is this what i get for only drinking coffee for like 3 days straight

if i’ve lost 50 pounds and am only 25 pounds away from my UGW then why do i feel just as disgusting as when i started up again

thought i hadn’t lost that much weight, did a calculation and i’ve lost 20% of my body weight jesus christ i’m sick

literally have only had a single granola bar, half a fruit smoothie and coffee in the last 60ish hours so what the fuck am i shitting out

189.6 and my cravings are so strong but if i eat i’m gonna go back into the 90s. i am so incredibly tired but i have to keep going. i don’t have a lot of friends here and the only way to make more is to get smaller which is a sad truth but it’s the truth. and i hate the way i look in the mirror. i can’t focus on my homework. and i know that this has been killing me for a long time and my therapist and my friends are doing their best to convince me but i can’t let it go. i can’t recover yet. i don’t need to be stick thin, i don’t even need to be skinny. i just want to be normal. i just want to fit into those new jeans. i just can’t keep living like this, obese and disgusting. i’ve lost forty five pounds in the past 6 months and my mother who screamed at me in the first place, JUST when i was starting to feel a little better about myself, hasn’t even noticed or complimented me. like i look the same. i feel the same, but i know that i have to look different- 45 pounds is quite a bit. but i still hate everything about my body. so i just can’t stop this. i have to keep going. just until i feel okay. day by day. and i’ll do my best to get some kind of nutrition every day. i don’t need more health issues on top of this. my therapist is gonna be okay with that. as long as i get something every day. because people don’t care when a fat person starves themselves. the only care once you’re skinny.

i’m over halfway to my goal 🥺 i can’t believe it omg it doesn’t feel like it at all

i felt shitty about “binging” today and then i realized i only had 900 calories and that’s still a 1200 cal deficit from my TDEE 😳 crazy what my mentally i’ll brain considers too much

i’ve decided to allow myself some pleasures of eating certain foods cause once i go off to college in two weeks i’m not gonna eat at all LMAO

i used to be so strict about calories and sugars and all the other numbers but now i just don’t fucking eat

i’m slowly killing myself

today i am at 200.2. tomorrow i am going to wake up to see my weight starting with a 1 for the first time in almost 3 years. i’m so unbelievably excited.