Waking up to the sweetest voice I could ever wish to hear early in the morning. Ginising lang naman ako ng pamangkin ko para magpahatid sa first day nya sa school. Na para bang ako ang parent? Hahaha I don’t have the heart to be annoyed or show him I was grumpy when he calls my name in that soft voice, wearing that innocent look, as if he’s scared I might scold him for waking me up. So wala akong choice, bangon ang tita nya hahaha. 3 hours lang ang tulog ko talaga bhe pero sige para sa first day go yan.

Pagdating ko sa simbahan, nasa homily na at ang una kong narinig na sabi ng pari ay “kung broken ka, ang misang ito ay para sayo”. And it’s funny how the first thing I’ve heard about is something like that when I’m dealing with something inside me. At the end of the homily, he said something along the lines of “brokenness is proof that you are capable of love”.

Grabe lang ang emotions kagabi. Yung huling beses na naranasan ko yun ay 5 or 6 years ago. I thought no one would be able to make me feel like that again but damn. Lahat na ata ng negative emotions naramdaman ko kagabi. Ultimo pagkain ko apektado kasi wala akong gana. Hindi rin naman perfect or calm yung naramdaman ko nitong mga nakaraang taon and I'd get hurt or emotional from time to time pero kontrolado ko yun. Kaya kong humarap sa mga kasama ko sa bahay na parang wala akong pinagdadaanan pero kagabi kailangan ko magtago sa home office ko para lang di nila ako makita. And honestly, it drained me. Hanggang ngayon ay ramdam ko yung pagod at panghihina. Masakit sa ulo na paggising dahil sa kakaiyak. But I know I have to bounce back. I have to.

Maybe I’m looking at the wrong place or maybe I shouldn’t be looking at all. But I’m getting tired of waiting. I’m being impatient as it is. And I really don’t know what to do anymore.

I remember the first time I listened to "Ngiti" by The Juans and "Indigo (With You)" by Maki. I discovered both songs during the same month I was talking to someone and without even realizing it, I started associating them with him. Maybe it was because of how effortless everything felt at that moment. I mean, our conversations flowed so naturally. We just clicked. We were in the same career, shared the same wavelength, and the way he talked to me made me think he was genuinely a good person. And I was hopeful back then. I thought that maybe, just maybe, he could be the one. But like most of the people I’ve met on that anonymous chat site, he just didn’t stay. We never fought or had any big misunderstanding, we simply stopped talking. Somehow, though, we’ve remained in each other’s contacts until now and I know because he still views the stories I shared and you can only do that if the conversations are still saved in his inbox or maybe he saved my contacts hahaha either way, we still have connections, we just stopped talking. And every time I hear those songs, I don’t think about what could have been. I just remember those simple, happy conversations we shared, and for a moment, they still make me smile.