I put a copay and new medication on my credit card again. $130 gone with barely anything to show for it. Just another medication that might help again. For some reason, I had hope for this appointment today. I keep telling myself that having decent PPO insurance should mean access to quality care. But I’m still trapped in this endless cycle of referrals. “Someone else can deal with that.” Meanwhile, I’m the one paying for every visit.
Rarely anything gets resolved. All I walk away with is vague advice I could’ve googled or found on reddit. When I do get help, it’s usually because I’ve already done the work myself. Researching my symptoms, laying out options for tests, imaging, medications, or procedures I’d like to try. Sometimes I'm informing them about approaches.
Sometimes I honestly hate this world. I just want to round up every healthcare worker, med school, researchers insurance company, and the U.S. HHS department into a convention and scream at them to get their shit together. To actually have answers for sick people instead of wasting our time. At least make it affordable or free. I went from "the worst" insurance to "the best", and it's all the same quality. Just better looking offices in the upscale parts of towns. I don’t have money to keep booking appointments that leave me with more questions than answers. That money could’ve gone toward gas, groceries, or something essential. Hell, even a new outfit would’ve done more for my wellbeing.
I haven't even covered the time and energy it consumes. Rearranging my schedule, anxiety in the days leading up to the appointment, sitting in the waiting room. And for what? Nothing but less hope. Just specialist after specialist, referral after referral, appointment after appointment.
I’m so fucking tired. Tired of repeating my entire case history to new faces. Tired of being touched, probed, poked, sampled, stretched, and examined inside and out just to be dismissed or gaslit in the end. Tired of watching dermatologists look uncomfortable or turn me away because they don’t have the technology or knowledge to treat my black skin. Tired of having to self-advocate just to receive the bare minimum.
