moonlight, stars, and the sea

Awhile back during.... A really bad argument with my parents, my mum said that I had seemed only to get worse, mentally.

I’d always thought that I was better, but I can’t really tell, can I? And it’s more that I’m worse in different ways, but things are a lot better in SO many ways.

The three biggest things is that uni is stressful in different ways, I have learnt some coping skills, and I am no longer so insecure about my friendships.

I think, overall, I’m definitely happier. I still don’t feel like I have a direction, but I’m not (what felt like) constantly wishing for death or wanting to sleep and not wake up.... (just, only sometimes)

3am and lmao here i am again

random thoughts

saw a post about adhd and memory on my dash that i very much so related to. on the part of the Terrible Memory not the adhd part. as far as i know i don’t have that. 

i need to stop doing the thing where i Dig My Fingernails Into My Skin When Anxious because the very mild aftermath is vaguely annoying to deal with, i.e. i still have tiny itty bitty scars from the last time I had a Major (for me) Panic 

and incredibly shallow barely noticeable skin wounds (?????????) 

also it isn’t actually painful enough to stop me from panicking

also i am Pathetic and Sad and Useless

possibly i am scared of the potential of Trauma so I stay at home and do nothing and live nothing

hate reading people’s blogs is stupid and i should not do that

especially as it’s not actual hate it’s :| i don’t even know. reading someone’s opinion who radically differs? but is within that same framework of leftism of some sort???? not a conservative???? smart as fuck person who i resent for being Functional and Smart because I am Not Smart Not Ever Smart Enough??? 

actually a good thing came out of it which is if they’re allowed to be petty and bitter and live in the moment (as much as this person can, i get that they’re severely mentally ill) 

i need to stop lingering over things and just enjoy the things i do enjoy. i have coherent thoughts about Things I swear

lmao i always get spouts of disbelief

i don’t actually have an anxiety disorder

i’m either faking it or it’s because of my own stupidity and character failings that i’m like this

i’m worthless and should die

i’m tired and not making sense

I have class at 11am :| 

11.30 am actually