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[mysterious circle of robed figures] Kathleen Stock: dark lord! dark lord! Stock: terrible news!! Stock: the feile en phobail art festival says we can't run our usual genital inspection booth! JK Rowling: WHAT Rowling: thisss iss an outrage!! Rowling: the people LOVE our genital insspection booth!!

Rowling: ssso an art festival thinksss it can jussst not feature a bunch of angry terfsss? Rowling: what are they even thinking?! Rowling: if we're not there, who'sss going to bring down the vibe? Stock: a just question, my liege

Stock: perhaps its not so bad my liege Stock: after all its only one little art festival Rowling: thisss isss how it ssstartsss Rowling: today an art fesstival thinkss it can tell me know Rowling: but tomorrow Rowling: who knowsss?? Rowling: it could be an international human rightsss organization

Rowling: ssso irelandsss biggesssst artss festival thinkss it can take on jk rowling, britainsss mosst beloved national treassure?? Rowling: we'll sssseee about that!! [later] Rowling: damn feile en phobail got handss

Rowling: i don't underssstand it Rowling: how did we lossse? Rowling: wait Rowling: did i run out of money??? iss that it?!? Rowling: [checks gringotts bank vault] huh, no, there'ss sstill plenty here Rowling: thiss jusst doessn't add up!

Rowling: could it be that i'm no longer britainsss mosst beloved national treassure?!? Julia Donaldson: [busts in, blowing vuvazela] GET GRUFFALO'ED BIIIITTTCHHHHH Rowling: GODDAMN IT Rowling: one of thessse dayss i'm going to figure out how she keepsss getting in here

Rowling: could i have losst thiss casse becaussse of legal incompetenccce? Allison Bailey: no i think we can safely rule that out Bailey: i mean ha ha c'mon Rowling: Rowling: what do you have in that briefcase Bailey: Bailey: [sweats] Rowling: GODDAMNIT IT ALLISSON Rowling: WE TALKED ABOUT THISSS

Graham Linehan: [wearing tinfoil hat] hey so you know the hobbits in LOTR Rowling: oh christ itss thiss assshole again Linehan: they were raped you know Rowling: Rowling: you know i'm kind of dealing with ssome sstuff right now graham Linehan: by dusky trans immigrants Rowling: right right duh

[at midnight society] Rowling: ssso anyway they banned me from the artss fesstival! Rowling: me! jk rowling! Rowling: can you believe it? Barker: wait you can just ban her? Barker: why haven't we done that? Poe: clive Barker: no for real

Barker: for real, why not? Barker: i mean she doesn't even write horror Barker: her whole thing is being mad about trans people Barker: and there's probably more trans people in this campfire than any other one Barker: except the furry one Frank Belknap Long: wait there's a furry one?

Poe: this slop is insufferable! Poe: if only there was an auteur to save us! Darren Aronofsky: did someone call for an auteur Poe: oh thank god! Aronofsky: have you ever thought about the good things about slop Poe: oh my god Poe: they got to you too!

Aronofsky: you know how it is Aronofsky: you get a new tool you immediately gotta try it out on some founding father shit

Aronofsky: you know that patented uncanny lifeless humunculi that mock humanity by their very existence? Aronofsky: my theory is that people want more of that Aronofsky: and they especially want it used to tell didactic slogs about the founding fathers

Aronofsky: remember how you hated history class back in school? Aronofsky: well, get ready to hate it all over again! Aronofsky: it's Darren Aronovsky's FOUNDING FATHERS Aronofsky: it's 2 hours of craggy dudes in powdered wigs looking at the camera Barker: ha ha Barker: this sucks man

Aronofsky: also what if thomas paine looked exactly like bill mahar Poe: ugh! disgusting! King: no! Lovecraft: please no Koontz: keep it away! Barker: ha ha this sucks Shelley: i am going to kill you Aronofsky: and Benjamin franklin looked like a syphilis zombie Shelley: ok that's probably accurate tbh

Mary Shelley: this all is too much Shelley: i'm gonna start stabbing Poe: mary! there's too many of them! Poe: you can't stab them all! Shelley: just fuckin watch me

King: if only there was a real auteur to save us! Mike Flanagan: i'm still here! King: oh thank god King: so good to know there's still human creativity in the world Flanagan: i'm remaking Carrie where the mom is too nice King:

Zach London: so as you can see London: the time has come to submit to gossip goblin London: the age of human creativity is at an end London: now is the age of the goblin

London: come forward, brothers London: drink of the slop London: i have an endless supply of it, after all King: er King: no thanks King: i already ate London: brother, you misunderstand London: you have no choice

King: whoa! get away! Barker: yeah c'mon man Barker: that's not cool London: you will all drink of the slop London: and when the slop flows through your veins London: then you too will know the joy of being one with the slop

Mary Shelley: that's it, i'm done Shelley: i'm gonna start stabbing Poe: no! mary, don't! Shelley: oh shit King: huh it looks like you punctured him King: it looks like all his slop is coming out now Shelley: i didn't expect this

King: oh my god watch out! King: he's going to slop us! Poe: stay back! Koontz: i'm scared D: King: don't worry dean, it's only slop King: it can't hurt you unless you let it

London: don't be a dinosaur! London: you'll be left in the dust! Koontz: but he says i'll be left in the dust! King: don't listen to him dean! King: that's the devil talking!

King: oh my god, all this slop! King: it's like when lor visits Lor Gislason: bloop bloop i'm not a slop Gislason: bloop bloop i'm a goop >:C Gislason: bloop bloop it's totally different >:C King: yeah i'm sorry i didn't mean Gislason: bloop bloop how dare you Gislason: the slops and the goops are natural and eternal enemies >:C

London: as a slop, i unthinkingly spray nonsense everywhere and by random chance sometimes something looks ok Gislason: as a goop, i'm perfectly adapted to my native environment, the 10-foot by 10-foot dungeon corridor

Poe: guys, this is bad! Poe: we're surrounded on all sides by slop! Poe: don't look at it! it'll seduce you with its siren song Giant-breasted anime girl : [string of nonsense glyphs] Edward Lee: bro Poe: i said don't look at it!!! Patricia Highsmith: nice gams on that humunculous

Poe: don't look at it! London: what if we had a video of a dog with every hair defined in weirdly high detail Koontz: a dog with every hair defined in weirdly high detail?!? Poe: dean, no!

Zach London: you know that sinking feeling that you get when you click on a youtube video that looks cool but then you realize it's AI slop made by an unfeeling machine? London: what if you could also get that feeling in a movie theater? London: gentlemen i give you gossip goblin

London: we're making a fully AI horror movie! Poe: Barker: King: Koontz: Lovecraft: Barker: fuck ha ha Barker: this fuckin sucks Poe: clive Poe: no never mind Poe: this does suck

Barker: this is shit, man Barker: real bad Mary Shelley: sup fuckers Barker: they're making an AI horror movie Shelley: ned ludd was right all along Shelley: we shoulda broken that fuckin loom when we had the chance

London: look, there's no reason to be afraid of AI movies London: in fact, you need to watch them!! London: Because they're here to stay whether you like it or not!!! London: in fact, that's our film's tagline

London: see our demographic research indicates that what people really want to see in a movie is uncanny lifeless humunculi that mock humanity by their very existence London: and they want them filmed without a coherent light source London: this is the market that gossip goblin has evolved to meet

London: gossip goblin is the totally AI-generated horror movie studio that will revolutionize film London: finally, movies made without actors, writers, directors or pesky artisans of all kinds London: we're also thinking of replacing the audience

London: thinking maybe we'll just show it to another AI that simulates how an audience would react AI Audience: Wow! This is great! More slop please! London: well, that seems pretty straight forward! London: how convenient that it wants me to do what i was going to do anyway! London: the future is now!

London: that's right London: i invite you to imagine a future where art is not made by man but by machine! Poe: yeah that's been imagined Poe: many times Poe: by many people King: yeah, it always turns out bad! London: yeah well London: it'll be different irl

Frank Herbert: I've told you 100 times Herbert: if only you'd listened to me about having a butlerian jihad and also finding the guiding light of islam, then maybe none of this would have happened King: wait how is islam related to this? Herbert: inshallah

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: finally my evil plan reachesss fruition Rowling: it'ss taken me yearss of careful planning but finally Rowling: finally!!! Rowling: finally we can defeat the sscourge of human rightsss

Rowling: firssst of all i'm not jusst going to sssue amnesty international for money Rowling: i alsso want an apology Kathleen Stock: a just request, dark lord Julie Bindel: no one has been more wronged than you, dark lord Maya Forstater: careful, dark lord! the other viziers plot against you

Rowling: i want you to find the guy who runs amnesssty international Rowling: mr amnessty or whatever hiss name isss Rowling: and bring him here Stock: i don't think its run by a guy called mr amnesty, dark lord Rowling: whatever, you know i don't keep up with thiss human rightsss sstuff

Rowling: i want to ssee amnessty destroyed Rowling: i want to ssee all the human rightss people humiliated, groveling in the mud Rowling: begging for my forgivenesss Rowling: right before the boot comess down on their throat Rowling: i am a beloved national treassssure and i demand my due!

Amnesty: the gender critical movement is fundamentally an anti-human rights movement Rowling: how dare you!!! don't you know how much money i have? Amnesty: Sorry. Im sorry. Im trying to remove it.

Rowling: finally, i will have my revenge! Rowling: you don't remember me do you, amnesty? Amnesty: uh Amnesty: of course i know you, you're JK Rowling, the famous transphobe Rowling: that's not all Rowling: look closer Amnesty: wait Amnesty: wait no Amnesty: it can't be!

Amnesty: you're that junior clerk temp receptionist apprentice part timer that we fired for writing fan fic on the clock! Rowling: HA HA HA YESSSS Rowling: AND I'M BACK! Stock, Bindel et al: She's back! Rowling: and I'm on the prowl Rowling: revenge would taste sso ssweet right now!

[many many years ago] Rowling: [writing] the best kind of wizard is a boy wizard Amnesty Supervisor: joanne do you have that memo about african genocide i asked for Rowling: not yet AS: ok well i need it soon AS: there's a bunch of genocides we need to deal with AS: i mean we're real behind on that

AS: look, i'm afraid we're going to have to let you go Rowling: WHAT!? AS: it's just that i don't believe that you're really taking these genocides seriously AS: since you started working here, we've become really backed up on genocides AS: like, we're never supposed to have this many happening

Rowling: you can't fire me! AS: we'll have some amnesty goons escort you to the door Rowling: jusst you wait! i might jusst be sssome nobody now, but sssomeday i'll be a beloved national treasure! Rowling: like jonathan king or jimmy sssavile!! Rowling: then you'll be sssssorry!!!

Megan Bontrager: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the sea hides its dead Bontrager: where are the dead? Bontrager: you'll never find 'em Bontrager: and why's that? Bontrager: cuz the sea is hiding them

Bontrager: so this big giant obelisk just rises up out of the ocean HP Lovecraft: out of the o-ocean?? Bontrager: yup! right out of the deepest watery, sodden depths Lovecraft: [sweats] nothing good comes from down there

Wile E Young: gotta love an obelisk Bontrager: i know, right?! Bontrager: they're the best Bontrager: especially from the sea Young: oh i don't know Bontrager: ESPECIALLY FROM THE SEA

Bontrager: now naturally when you see a giant obelisk rise out of the sea Bontrager: you would probably think it was related to that ancient eternal ocean-based cult that we all know and love Lovecraft: an ocean based cult?? Bontrager: yes Bontrager: very sodden Bontrager: much watery

Bontrager: so naturally an obsessed academic investigates Lovecraft: oh an obsessed academic? i like this part Bontrager: yeah, i thought you would! Barker: oh wow, howard likes an obsessed academic? Barker: what a surprise Barker: someone alert the media

Bontrager: there is something that you should know about this obsessed academic though Bontrager: it's that he's a massive jerk! Bontrager: who is sleeping with his grad student! Lovecraft: hey! what are you trying to pull here?? Lovecraft: this isn't the literary fiction campfire!

Bontrager: but he puts together a team Bontrager: but it turns out that everyone on this team has a dark secret Bontrager: and before the end, in this watery tomb… Bontrager: all secrets will be revealed! Bontrager: all questions will be answered! Bontrager: all socks will be sodden!

Bontrager: cuz it turns out that the eldritch god of this obelisk Bontrager: forces you to confront your greatest trauma and atone Koontz: like the guy in Star Trek V?? Bontrager: Bontrager: what Bontrager: no

Bontrager: not like star trek V Bontrager: no, more like god would demand Bontrager: i mean god is always demanding that kind of thing Bontrager: it's kind of god's whole bit Bontrager: why would you think of star trek Koontz: i just thought Koontz: i just Koontz: god was in star trek V Diane Duane: that was a false god, dean, and they destroyed him

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: apparently amnessty international ssayss i'm anti-rightss Rowling: how dare they! Rowling: i'm going to take away their right to ssay that

Rowling: can you believe that amnesssty would dare ssspeak againssst me? Kathleen Stock: a grave injustice, dark lord Rowling: they sssay that i'm anti-rightsss! Rowling: i'm actually very big on rightsss Rowling: i jusst think only i should have them Stock: a reasonable request, dark lord

Rowling: well well well Rowling: nice little human rightss watchdog organization you got here Rowling: would be a real shame if ssomething happened to it

Rowling: look, if thossse transss wanted to have rightsss Rowling: they should have gone about doing it the proper way Rowling: by becoming a besst sselling billionaire childrenss author with a globe sspanning media empire Rowling: i mean, it worked for me

Rowling: i'm going to sssue amnessty into the ground! Rowling: when i'm done, there will be nothing left but a big sssmoking crater in the ground Rowling: i will dessstroy them! Rowling: human rights, bah!! Rowling: I'm JK fucking rowling!!! Rowling: i'm a beloved national treassssure!!!

Rowling: you'll be hearing from my lawyer, amnesssty! Allison Bailey: i advise my client to -whoops!!! [trips, spills spaghetti all over the floor] Bailey: it's fine Bailey: this is not a problem Bailey: i'll just clean this Bailey: i'm cleaning it up Bailey: jeez there's a lot of sauce

John Scalzi: [carrying tray of burritos] who wants delicious burritos?! Scalzi: you've got your choice Scalzi: peanut butter and mayo Scalzi: apple sauce and vodka sauce Scalzi: chicken adobo and asbestos Scalzi: beef stroganoff and gravel

King: ha ha! these joke flavors are hilarious! King: leave it to acclaimed humorist john scalzi to come up with a funny new twist on an old favorite! Scalzi: joke flavors?!? Scalzi: i mean Scalzi: yeah… joke flavors… Scalzi: yeah that's the ticket Scalzi: i am quite the humorist aren't i?

Poe: actually steve, i'd say john is more of a sci fi guy than a humorist Scalzi: i'm glad you brought that up, edgar Scalzi: because that's a misconception that I've been meaning to fix for a while

Scalzi: in fact, i actually am a humorist Scalzi: i used to write for a little thing called uncle john's bathroom reader Dean Koontz: OMG are you uncle john? Scalzi: oh no no i was just one of many writers Scalzi: then again Scalzi: [muttering to self] why SHOULDN'T i be uncle john?

Scalzi: you might not have noticed this, but there's actually quite a bit of humor in my writing Barker: you don't say Poe: clive Scalzi: no really! Scalzi: take redshirts Barker: explain Scalzi: i mean, the title alone… ho ho ho! Barker: Barker: i'm waiting

Scalzi: ok so see, in star trek- Barker: OH it's a star trek reference? Barker: sorry i don't speak nerd Poe: clive stop it, you know good and well what it's a reference to

Scalzi: you know, when they write the definitive history of sci fi Scalzi: i'd like to be remembered as the guy who made humor marketable again Koontz: gosh! what about terry Pratchett? Terry Pratchett: i'd like to be remembered as the guy who made soup marketable again Pratchett: [drinking soup] mm! lecker!

Scalzi: well, terry Pratchett is technically fantasy Koontz: what about douglas adams? Scalzi: ok sure, yeah there's douglas adams Scalzi: that's fair Scalzi: i can't compete with that

Scalzi: but i meant besides douglas adams Koontz: what about Robert asprin? Scalzi: oh COME ONE NOW Scalzi: you can't be serious! Scalzi: I'm twice as funny as that guy!

King: i don't know, john, Robert asprin is pretty funny Scalzi: i'm about a million times funnier!! Scalzi: here i'll prove it Scalzi: pull my finger!!

Slimyswampghost: finally! after all these years! SSG: it's happening! SSG: it's the sirenhead movie! Koontz: oo! i love sirenhead! Koontz: does he dance in this movie? SSG: SSG: no Koontz: aw but i like when sirenhead dances

Koontz: he always dances in the funny videos on the internet SSG: he doesn't dance King: aw c'mon trevor you're going to disappoint dean King: dean really likes when sirenhead dances

Barker: besides trevor Barker: i mean, who are you to say that sirenhead doesn't dance? SSG: i invented sirenhead!

Barker: haha very funny Barker: we all know that sirenhead is a naturally occurring public resource SSG: i SSG: since this is you, i can't tell if you're doing a bit Barker: ha ha

King: sirenhead is a part of our culture, our lore King: if you think about it, sirenhead belongs to everyone SSG: no he doesn't! SSG: he belongs to me! Barker: get a load of this guy lol Barker: next he'll start saying he invented long horse or cartoon cat SSG: i did! Barker: sure ya did trevor, sure ya did Barker: cuckoo! cuckoo!

SSG: I'm putting my foot down! SSG: sirenhead is not gonna dab SSG: he's not gonna harlem shuffle SSG: he's not gonna say "sluggo is lit" SSG: and he's definitely NOT gonna dance! King: oh but dean loves the dances!

Koontz: i like it when sirenhead dances Koontz: i like to recreate the dances using my unlicensed knock-off sirenhead doll from china SSG:

Stephen King: boy howdy King: this whole graham platner thing King: the sexual assault allegations are pretty troubling King: nevertheless

Poe: steve you don't have to finish that thought Barker: no no let him talk Barker: you're definitely gonna want to keep talking steve Barker: you know what they say about that hole Poe: Poe: what do they say about that hole Barker: you gotta keep digging it Poe: oh! Poe: right

Barker: just keep talking King: ok i will! King: thanks for the support clive! Barker: you know i always have your back pal Poe: clive stop instigating things Poe: it's not funny this time

King: look i'm just saying King: there's a rapist in the white house King: but suddenly being a rapist is disqualifying? King: i mean, they get a rapist, we should get to have a rapist too King: oh that came out wrong King: i sure hope nobody notices on the internet

King: but there's no other way to get rid of susan collins King: i hate susan collins! Susan Collins: ha ha guess you're stuck with me forever! ha ha! King: ooo! i hate you SO MUCH! Collins: hey don't worry Collins: since you like platner so much Collins: maybe i'll nominate him to the supreme court

Whitley Strieber: welcome to the dreamland podcast Strieber: the only podcast that casts the pod that the man doesn't want you to know Strieber: the truth is out there Strieber: or is that just what THEY want you to think? Strieber: trust no one Strieber: or is that just who THEY want you to trust?

Strieber: on today's episode, we've got the author of the new book communion Strieber: and i'm not talking about me Strieber: i'm pleased to announce that the vice president of the united states has also met aliens Strieber: wait i'm being handed a note right now

Poe: whitley i think you should know Poe: JD Vance's communion book isn't about aliens Strieber: of course not Strieber: we prefer to call them "star people" Poe: right sure Strieber: it's less othering Poe: well it's not about them either

Poe: it's actually about his conversion to catholicism Strieber: what? no aliens? Strieber: how am i supposed to podcast about that? Strieber: no one wants to hear about a dude being catholic! Barker: i don't know, anne is p into catholicism this week lol Anne Rice: it's the one true faith for now!

Strieber: well i guess welcome jd vance to the show or whatever Strieber: to tell his boring take on communion Strieber: which i guess isn't even about communing with aliens Strieber: i mean i don't even get the connection between that title and catholicism Strieber: wait i'm being handed a note

Poe: it's about the wafers Strieber: the what Poe: communion wafers Poe: you know when you eat the body of christ in a wafer Strieber: what Kim Newman: like the tom lehrer song Strieber: what

JD Vance: jd vance so grateful that master allows jd vance to go on dreamland podcast to promote jd vance's communion book Vance: master is so good to jd vance Vance: master allows jd vance to sleep on master's floor and eat master's garbage Vance: as vance deserves Vance: master is so good!

[earlier] Vance: master master jd vance will convert to catholicism to please master Vance: does jd vance's new faith please master? Trump: you blundering fool! the chicago pope saw right through it! Trump: this conversion has failed to secure papist loyalty, you bumbling nincompoop!

Vance: oh no! vance has displeased master! Vance: so sorry master please forgive vance! master must punish jd vance for his failure! Vance: jd vance is dirt! jd vance is garbage! jd vance is not worthy of master's love Trump: i really don't know who this guy is, he just came with the office

Strieber: ok let's go to the lines Strieber: caller, you're on the air with whitley strieber, author of the good communion book, and we're talking to jdvance, author of the other communion book William Peter Blatty: yeah i have a question about catholicism

Blatty: do the ecumenical reforms of the council of hagendevous (1235) supercede the traditional liturgy of the diet of antenjep (1123)? and, if so, what does that mean for the trilateral condition of the reformed soul, as stated by his holiness the desert father norvegicus augustine in 86 AD

Blatty: and how does that affect the reconstitued convergence of the mother church post council of clonderickis? Vance: jd vance thinks master is highest authority in catholicism Vance: whatever master says, is answer Vance: master is good! Vance: master says jd vance will get to be american pope

Vance: the master will reward jd vance for his loyal service Vance: after master is trapped at tower of Orthanc, orc hordes will definitely rally behind jd vance!