Bit 'O Ted

DAISY: Both? I smoked some.

DAISY: Or most.

DAISY: But I lost the rest, and my dog and cat don't seem high, so it's defs Jinx's fault.

DAISY: That's because your snake is in your pants. Mine only goes in mine sometimes.

DAISY: I would never use the app, I like this way better because then I KNOW you're bringing it to me now.

Teddy: You're quickly becoming my best return customer. Gonna make me a fucking fortune.

Teddy: Kinky.

FINN: Are you staying with me or are you staying with your lame sister?

FINN: Let me know, dummy.

Teddy: Thought you were out of the bidding war? Did you get a burst of nostalgia and you really want your little bro around?

DAISY: So I know I JUST got my stuff, like, two days ago, but I need to get more.

DAISY: I defs blame my snake...

DAISY: I'll venmo you extra if you bring it now??

Teddy: You lose it or smoke it?

Teddy: If I blame /my/ snake for shit, I'd be arrested.

Not one bit of that sounds as if it’s a good plan. You know, you could also just pay your rent. 

I could. Paying the rent is an option. You feel like buying a kidney? I hear the going rate for them is pretty high these days. 

I’m not entirely convinced that’s how it works. And anyway, he can probably track you unless you fancy just leaving everything and running. But then you’ll be on the run from the law. Assuming he doesn’t take it as rent in kind, because if he does, that’s awesome.

Oh, and just in case, I’m pretty sure the original phrase is “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”. 

How the fuck is he gonna track me? Is he working for the government? I always knew Bald Tony was up to something. I bet I’m actually being recruited for some top notch government position and he’s just my assigned protection. Just call me President Teddy. 

tana: landlord!tana could get that tongue free of charge. you'd still be handing over the green, then, getting into formation. on your knees.

tana: no bald tony, I like to remain wet and ready around you, and he makes me the complete opposite.

tana: I wouldn't be surprised if in 200 years woman evolve to start shooting out their ratings with things that land soft to brutal blows. boulders? a harsh, knock it off.

tana: you ARE a neglectful friend, so you better come crawling if you want a taste.

tana: its like, daz- the rest of the word might tack on after I get a free meal from you.

Teddy: You've got a pretty high opinion of Landord Tana, but I've got it on pretty good authority, that I wouldn't be the one on my knees.

Teddy: Consider him gone. Wouldn't want him to cause a dry spell would we?

Teddy: The second women evolve into that, I'm going strictly dickly.

Ridley: I'm helping him with some youth group shit, that's all. Hanging banners, setting things up, stuff that apparently he doesn't want to just use a ladder for.

Ridley: Point is, he doesn't care about his name. He's a goldfish

Teddy: Nope. You've said enough. I'm detoxing the both of you from this Church shit. Stop encouraging him.

REGAN: I'll say it to his face 😇

REGAN: Kinda too late for that. At least I'm married? I could be sleeping with everyone and that seems like it would be way worse.

REGAN: Where are you keeping a goldfish if you aren't even staying at your place?

Teddy: Then I'll be forced to defend you and then you'll owe me. At least three burgers.

Teddy: Nope. You're not married. You're not anything. Who even is Jason? No fucking clue. Never met the guy.

Ari: I'm pretty sure it's always been a thing, man.

Ari: Thanks lol

Ari: You're taking a fish out for drinks? You know if you pour anything besides water in the bowl, it'll die, right?Oh! He's the guy that came to church last weekend. He seems nice.

Teddy: That's a lie. A cruel and unusual lie.

Teddy: Of course I'm taking a fish out for drinks. Roland is a fucking legend. He deserves a night out on the town.

From personal experience? You’d have to be REALLY charming to pull that off, even a little bit. Since bald landlord Tony owns the building, he’s probably immune to most tenant shenanigans by now.

You don’t think I’m really charming? Cause I say, you and me, ten minutes in a semi-public setting and I can change your mind. You’ve gotta give a guy a chance to charm you using something other than my fantastic fucking philosophical rambling. You’re no Bald Tony, but I think I could still work some charm. 

You’re lucky I don’t feel like disowning you today. I don’t want to go out with you. And I don’t have any problems getting laid, weirdo.

I don’t want anything. I’m fine with just knowing that my brother isn’t homeless. 

You’ve got some stiff competition for my company, and I don’t mean the kinky kind. Oh shit, sorry bro....I realise as a virgin you won’t understand the whole stiff thing. You see, I was a making a boner joke. A boner is what happens when sex is on the table. We’ll get you up to speed, don’t worry. 

What’s the point in paying rent if you have to hide from your landlord? That means you’re not actually staying in the place so paying for it seems kind of pointless.

But I do hope you’re not in any kind of trouble.

Now that’s the kinda thinking I can get behind. You’re a little spitfire who’s gonna give me a sure fire way to beat Bald Tony the Rent monster once and for all. I’m a fan. You should come over and give Old Tony that line yourself. 

So I called my Grandma today, just to see how she’s doing and all. Within the first ten minutes that I called, she asked me if I had a boyfriend and when she was going to have great-grandchildren. I never imagined the day that this would happen. My answer was, “Grammie, I’m twenty-six!” She said, “Yes, but I’m 86.” Well played. Well played, Grammie.

You could have a boyfriend. I’m just saying.  What you absolutely could do, is let me take you out for the full boyfriend experience. We’ll take my boy Roland, he can chime in if the conversation gets too stilted. Who knew a fish had so much to fucking say? 

Ari: You can eat carrots raw, Teddy.

Ari: We've been friends long enough that this is common knowledge, so yes. I'll play with your hair.

Teddy: Fucking mind blown. What kind of world are we living in that people are eating shit raw now?

Ridley: I barely know the guy. What makes you think he'll listen to me? I can't exactly relate every bad thing I do to spiritual awakening.

Ridley: Teddy, he's a goldfish

Teddy: Cause he'll listen to you more than he'll listen to me. Oh no...you didn't get on the spiritual shit did you? Don't do it. Don't mention the G-Word around him. You'll never escape and I'll have to spend a year of my life making him fun again.

REGAN: Why would you willingly want to live with Finn again?

REGAN: I mean, we definitely wouldn't have sex while you were there so I don't think you have to worry about that happening. We've been married for too long so we're not like, banging all the time.

REGAN: How much money do you owe the landlord?

Teddy: I'm screenshotting that comment for future blackmailing purposes.

Teddy: Please don't ever use the word banging in reference to yourself ever again. I always said you should've become a nun. Solid career path for you there. Get in good with the big guy upstairs and don't give your brother a heart attack.