stay strong

“When traveling life's journey it's good to have a sister's hand to hold on to.”

Being in this limbo, this stagnant but ever changing time where the pressure of being or doing something is evident. But using this time to not pressure myself, despite what society tells me to do is surfacing more recently than ever. Stopping the “shoulds”. I should be where those people are, i should be working already, i should be more toned, i should be a better friend. These thoughts that flood my inner conscience on a daily basis are all my own thoughts. I own these destructive thoughts, they stem from my doubts. No one else's, and that is the most important perspective that I can care about and work on during this time. 

Ran into an old issue, something that hurt me in the past that till this day i have not gotten full clarity from. Things that have hurt you are bound to reappear, ready to open the door that you once closed onto it. The opinions I once cared so much for, I yearned for them to believe that I was smarter, prettier, more centered, that i was the friend they needed. Pushing and giving my time and energy in spaces that weren’t deserving of it but doing it anyways because it was easier to stay busy than come to terms with the thought that I believed that I wasn't enough. Time passed and I am here today on September 2nd writing this with more clarity than usual, soon enough those thoughts slipped from my to do list. Once you are hurt so badly, I advocate that when your brain goes into shock, it doesn’t allow you to accept that bad thing anymore. Maybe now I know why that old issue no longer seemed appealing to me, now that it was right in front of me. I no longer felt the same as the girl that used to give everything to those relationships. Coming to the realization that during that time of stress not one person stuck up for me, the issue that i thought would do anything for me. No longer needed me. No one fought for the person that I knew that I was to them and to myself. 

Now, I fight for myself. Sounds powerful even writing this just to myself. Small work in progress of course, just like everything else in life. I want to change the way I speak to myself, how I perceive myself, how I treat myself because than it doesn't matter how ANYONE ELSE decides to speak to me, how they perceive me, how they treat me. My sense of worth and knowing who i am will be stronger than any strain of negativity that you put onto me. I live for me, for what I believe in. You no longer can drain me of the beautiful energy that I hold.