From Her, The One Who Left You
An undelivered message to you, the one left behind.
https://archiveofourown.org/works/86218791
I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps.
It sounds dumb, doesn’t it. “They’d never let a suicidal person pilot a 200-ton death machine,” you’d say, as though they’re not already looking for the most vulnerable people this side of Eridani to jack full of combat stims and beat into the shape of a hound. As though what they do to make pilots isn’t an open secret that’s depressed their recruitment numbers for the last local stellar decade.
It’s true. I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps. And they took me, scar-whitened wrists and all.
They gave me the basic implants and handed me off to a trainer, a gruff old bastard who seemed to relish in frightening the meek young men and women who’d just made the worst decision of their lives. We spent weeks in the sims, sometimes in days-long stints. All to learn the mech like our own bodies, burn knowledge into action and action into habit and habit into instinct until we could flatten a platoon of virtual armor in our sleep.
It’s all incredibly, frighteningly true. I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps. And they thought that they could work with that.
Once we were ready, the trainer was replaced with a handler, a handful of us to each. They picked us out of a lineup, each one taking the dogs of their choice. Dogs. Not hounds. Hounds are bred to hunt, my handler told me, while we were only trained. She would fix that, was her promise. And fix that she did, with pain and pleasure in equal measure. We were beaten, broken, torn to blithering shreds such that we could do no more than run on instincts, and from those glimmering fragments of a broken mind she rebuilt us in the image of war. With each success we were fed glorious toxins, and with each failure we were taken to task. We became Her perfect hunters. Her hounds.
Disgustingly, repulsively true. I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps. And they proved it didn’t matter.
There was nothing before Her. Nothing existed but Her, and the world of gnashing teeth She sent us into. We took to the battlefield in Her name, singing the joys of our condition. We killed for Her. We died for Her. We had no purpose but for Her, and in that there was no space for who we were before—for what I wanted before—and that brought us joy.
It’s sadly, heartlessly true. I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps. And they fixed me.
But even a hunting hound lives only a seventh as long as a human does, and even the conditioning they put us through doesn’t stop your life flashing before your eyes when you die. The hole in my side can attest to that. I should be fighting, making a glorious last stand, but instead I’m writing my final message to you, in the hopes enough of my mech’s systems are intact to send it. I probably sound delirious—it’s the blood loss.
I just want you to know that it’s depressingly, ruinously true. I wanted to die, so I joined the mech corps. And they killed me.
I don’t think I ever really wanted that. There are easier ways to die. I think I just wanted to change.
I wish I’d figured it out sooner. Your sister was a fool. A fool who loved you.
Tell mom and dad I loved them too.