cut me half and count my rings

come to think of it, i used to get so immersed in doing projects like personal project or diy. i’d be in my room sitting at my study desk creating something. i mean back when i was in school. but now it’s just work. like my office desk is only meant for work. or even when its not, i’ll sit there scrolling things on my phone.

although my work now mostly about designing/planning/creating, but it isnt as passionate like it used to. it’s colorless. it’s work. the sad thing about it, i see it as burdens.

i looove seeing people creating. looks like they really enjoy doing it. maybe i should start with a small project and actually finishing it instead of doing it halfway which i often do.

right now, (and always) it’s creating through my lenses.

I havent really confessed to anyone about how i really feel about someone, practically a friend, or a once-a-closed-friend. Up until now. Until recently she got married. I’ve been spending years ignoring my feelings like a moved-on ex, playing the hard-boiled heartless person i can be, being all mature.

These few days, i told almost everything i once did to her to my husband. How i treated her when she was at her lowest, how i was there whenever she needed someone. I know she wasnt really a good person, a narcissist indeed but being the saint i was, i couldn’t resist to ignore. She was a closed friend. A crazy close one. Literally.

I even wished her birthday last year and didnt get a reply. It was a kinda embarrassing moment that no one knows of.

It’s weird that she always has this thing that makes a person like me, wants to have what she has. Though i know exactly nobody rides a perfect life.

Today, i’m telling myself, i’ll just stop replaying those moments. Some people have different ways of seeing things and it’s just not worth it to reminisce the past you.

31, is the age that i never imagined i will get through. I grew up believing i wont live long enough.

I said, you only died once. And people get triggered by it. It’s not wrong though.

Tried to talk about my passion, my goals and what i want to achieve in 5-10 years time yet nothing really comes out. Am I limiting myself or am i dreaming too much? ‘Be grateful. You only see people above you.’ I wanted to say, i didnt do enough when i know i can do better, yet i stopped there.

Missing my 20s because we used to drive each other beyond our capabilities. Now is just like, we both think we’ve done so much it drains us out. We’re too tired to even dream.

what is it like, being here now.

today marks her 11 months living in this world, being here, healthy. i couldn't ask for more. grateful, nonetheless. i've been on youtube a lot these past two days, makes me reminiscing the old days even more. who i used to be, being busy in my own ways. i used to always have things to do, a book to read, a path to run, a goal to complete. that's why i've been missing my old dear self quite often these days.

i would say, the past two years have been my two years off. i'm taking a pause. adjusting myself to new routine, it does get hard sometimes, adding another little human being and taking care of the chores for both. i used to skip chores when i dont feel like doing it but now it’s totally different. i wake up and i will settle the chores first before anything else. it’s constant work. often i wonder how my mom do it, everyday. that’s when all of the reminisces come out. i feel like i am more than this. yes i have a job and still doing it but ever since i am married, my career has become my third/fourth? in my priority list after my husband and my child. seeing people, my friends taking a turning point in their career, moving up the ladder, makes me feel like i’m not doing enough, not achieving enough when i know really well my potential. despite all, i think, it’s just what i feel. looking at the company’s achievement, we have achieved and opened up to a lot of opportunities ahead, like really growing. really. but above all this, i feel like i dont contribute enough to even acknowledged the growth.

Havent been on this site for quite some time. I have alot in my mind now thus i decided that it’s time for some contribution. But i still feel quite empty though. Like 40% empty.

Had an intense dream last night. My sil gave birth while we were on our way for a vacation. There was a medical practitioner but he just sat there when i called out and that i became a first timer midwife. The delivery was easy though and we reached hospital just in time for her umbilical cord cutting. Then she decided to leave the baby at the hospital and followed us and only came back when our vacation ended. I wasnt even mad i was just wondering whether she had a superpower because she wasnt in pain at all. The dream ended with we packed our bags to return back home. That it wasn’t the best vacation ever.

She’s 10 months now. She knows how to stand, to clap, she babbles like all the time. She understands emotion though not all. She still ignores it when i say no. She barely sleeps through the night and that she sleeps late. Bedtime is mostly a struggle time for me. I do want another child but just not right now. Wanting to take care of myself first before we try for our second.

Before giving birth, i didnt know women have so many hormones. Like, the only hormones i knew were only four. Turns out, they’re more. These hormones can fuck up a woman’s health depending on its balances. I do sometimes think that it’s so unfair. Men don’t have this kind of ‘problem’. They will always welcome sex.

It’s even make me sad when my late cousin just passed away about a month ago and her husband already going to remarry this friday. It’s a hot gossip for the past 2 weeks and everyone is expressing their anger especially our female members. Well of course i am too. But most of the husbands just dont mind it much. She left this world with 7 kids and the eldest is almost the same age with his going-to-be mother while the youngest is about 3 months old. We don’t get to say much dont we? Because even if we do, men just dont want to listen.

Sex talk is not just talks. It takes a lot of understanding and decision between two parties. As long as both parties are willing to try, to fix, to appreciate one another, i think it can solve almost all relationship problems. In Islam, we cannot simply expose our ‘bed time stories’ to anyone. It’s forbidden hence talking about it feels like i’m making more sins. It’s welcoming fitnah to the ummah, they’d say. Most of the married women i know, they’re bottling all inside. Including their marriage problems. They just shove it off.