big guys

Well fed...

... Isn't that the perfect description of how she has been keeping me? Always making sure that my belly is filled to its limit. No wonder those pants barely hold on. I have been squeezing into them for too long, too delusional to accept that they are way past what I should wear in my daily life. So I bought new pants and... well... they are also quite tight already, despite going up two sizes 🤭🫦

I feel like as I’ve gotten bigger the part I struggle with the most mentally (besides my now fat face) is that I look big all the time. It can be a thrill and empowering to feel so large but sometimes I just want to exist without feeling like an enormous spectacle.

Clothes play a big part in that. I’m trying to unlearn the idea that I have to obscure my shape in baggy clothes in order to look good. That to look stylish I have to look small (an increasingly impossible goal)

I’ve always had a minor interest in fashion, in so much that I know what I like: vintage/thrifted clothes, especially flannel, and the kind of vaguely alternative aesthetic that comes with that. I can’t really buy second hand clothes now that I wear plus sizes, most of my options in general are quite limited now. Especially being in the UK, a lot of “big and tall” ranges only go to xxxl. I used to love wearing dickies but they don’t go anywhere near a 50” waist in the uk.

The shirt I’m wearing in the pic is a 5xl (xxxxxl). It fits me. But it makes me look fat… because I’m fat. Really fat. 350+lbs fat. Wearing a 5xl shirt fat. But because my belly strains when I sit down, my brain is telling me it doesn’t fit. But that’s how every shirt fits me. Because I am very fat. I know this and still my initial reaction is that it’s no good, that I can’t wear that. People will see how fat I am.

But they see no matter what. It’s the reality of being this big. The factors for looking good at my size vs a “normal” size are different. I’m learning to embrace that, but when you gain so much weight so quickly (I was 259lbs in early 2023 - two and a half years ago) it takes a while for your brain to catch up. I’m still trying to grapple with the fact that I look fat no matter what. And the best thing to do is to complement my shape, not downplay it.