beyzilla. me and my monstrosity.

I’m over here. Literally. While you remain there. 

And now we have to create space and time and distance between us. Even when we miss each other, when we are looking for that closeness, that familiarity. 

October Start Over. 

Since four years ago, I've fallen in love with October. Quite possibly because I was falling in love during this time in 2010. Now the month reminds me of the possibilities of planting new seeds, of starting anew, of a new source of energy that I can only access once this month starts. 

A few days ago, Toronto was still in an 'infinite summer' mode, the days were warm and wearing a jacket was definitely optional. Today, on Oct 1st, the weather is noticeably chillier, the leaves are crunchier and there's no denying it's autumn. 

The air is crisp -- I liken it to freshness. The general populous have a different pace in their step -- we're all hustling for something better whether that's school, work, or a healthier physique. 

The bottom line is that Change has arrived at nature's doorstep, and all our man-made constructs gotta succumb to her. And Change is a good good good thing. 

there is a baby in his stroller with a bonnet on his honey colored hair with hazel eyes looking for someone to look back at him as his papa orders an espresso - for here - and the baby faces the other patrons who look the other way - cause they are busy - and baby is making noise now because he dropped his teething toy and papa can't attend to him cause he is settling the bill but i try to catch baby's eyes to remind him he is not forgotten

Me: What should I wear today? It's thundershowers [forecasted].

Baby sister: Thunder thighs!

Me: That's everyday, gurl! That's everyday!

Quadron -- my best friend on solitary nights like this one. Puts me to work and eases my mind, too. 

Deep breaths and big dreams. What's going on, Beyzilla? > > > > < < < > > > < < < > > > < < < > > > < < < > > > < < < > > > < < <

The past two months were truly anxiety-ridden, as I was under-employed for eight weeks. In retrospect, the past eight weeks have been about conserving energy for the next six months -- which I envision to be more exciting and dynamic than the past six months have been. I'm excited! I'm pumped! New work, more work, maybe the most work since crunch time at the end of my undergrad career. 

You'll hear more about what's going on up my sleeve, on my shoulder, and in my heart in due time. 

Right now, I gotta dig in and get back to work. Time is most precious and I gotta make us of it wisely. 

he caught me online, distantly connected by  green 'online' distinguishers. he had many questions for me, asking what was keeping me up -- it was the middle of the night for me, and for him it was early afternoon.

i decided to turn the tables and ask him what he was like at 25, all those years  in flare-legged jeans

he answered: "If you remember Tito Joe... ? I was his "creative consultant" on his photo shoots. Do you remember Tito Flip... ? We were working on a comic strip.  For fun, Tito 'Nolo and I  would go to the boonies and camp out." And before badminton became the fashion, "[A] group from U.P (alumni)  would get together for some evening exercise."

i had a feeling i had slowly become more  and more like him with my quirks and moods and preferred little things.

i had a feeling i was taking after him with the artistry and ambiguity i have nurtured.

an aging man  far away, and if i  remain offline  i could escape  his reach.