eccentric thoughts

This is basically a girlblog meets attempted poet meets dreams spilling out of me and it's insufferable but I love tumblr so here we are

i am so embedded in the fear of life passing me by i let myself be consumed by my screen and my sorrows until i no longer have passions and i am simply floating between friends and thoughts; worrying and crying like a child as other people live the life i could have if i got my ass out of bed.

i do love myself so FUCK OFF with that “love yourself” bullshit. Maybe i dont as much as i should but just because of that, it doesnt mean i dont need romantic love. I crave romantic love from the bottom of my soul. The depth of me, my CORE, is built on romance. I can love myself. The issue is i want ROMANTIC love. I cant deal with it. I crave it so badly all i think about is love and being loved. I want to be held. I want someone to hold their hand on my lower back as we walk through a crowd. I want it to be the norm for me, not a dream.

you say you loved me then cracked me open, dumping my seeds into a bowl for your consumption. I would say that’s romantic but you washed the flavour away. You peel my skin and squeeze me dry, anger rising at the juice in your eye. I’m sorry for my defensive nature around you, I’ll do my best when you next take a bite.

you cant let the people of the past keep the space in your head meant for those who care for you now.

It's a girl thing to realize maybe I'll never experience teenage romance. I guess it isn't a big deal (I feel like I'm being gutted from the inside so my heart can be ripped out and I will be punished for eternity).

the weirdest feeling is knowing there’s more out there for you but you just can’t place where. Like, you’re looking outside at the couples running through the rain and you just know that someone is gonna do that with you but you just don’t know when, or who, or how, and it’s torture because you begin to feel hopeless after waiting so long, and the impatience kicks in and you waste your life away for this person or this thing you don’t even know is going to show up or not.

sometimes i think its pointless to be sad when theres no one there to comfort me

Looking at university costs and realizing the best option is for me to fake my death and move into the forest because how does anybody afford ANY of this shit.

i wish it wasnt so terrifying to leave a life i hate so much