¿anthology?

to missing you.

a sweater,

soft and familiar

worn,

in iowa,

delirious

over prairie plains.

your daddy called me

a rouge wire

sparking &

you're a leaf unfurling

in a morning ray.

everclear &

long walks

in the evening air,

i still feel

stuck in tar.

why's it

always me

always me

always me

she kissed me slow

over the coffee table &

ive still got dirt

under my nails.

i havent broken my

sunday habits.

i still taste her on my tongue,

earthen & sweet.

now when it rains

underneath the porch.

i told my brother,

when he called collect.

we ran out of minutes,

the moment he warned me

one day i'll wake up buried.

i read a book

about getting lost at sea,

and now i wake up

drowning.

anyways,

to answer your question :

i keep having dreams

with you in them,

my body is wilderness,

overgrown,

a moss meadow

crawling

with springtails and

detritus lovers.

thickets of thorns

adorn my edges &

youll find me pining

in the undergrowth.

crying for a lover

who didnt want

to trudge through my muck,

and dump the silt

from their boots.

i understand

not wanting damp socks

and dirty jeans,

but damn me

tho it feels more like an autopsy

than id planned.

we've got our chests

cracked open,

starlight spilling in

under the tennessee sky.

two cities between us

spilling our guts,

over a telephone line.

i still wish

i were your man,

or your girl

or your lover.

we still have those moments

we felt suspended in time.

we still make eachother better,

we can still be disarmed

with a single smile.

but we're all end,

with no start..

i dream sometimes

when we first met,

that we were different.

you confessed

you wish you accepted

the love that i was giving.

its too late now.

we're too weighed down,

too full of history.

you sent me another song,

but i cant bring myself

and a drop off point

& im falling

head over toes

wind whipping so fast

im wiping tears

into the mud.

how do you think

i got this scar

on my chin?

experience,

my friend.

ive crashed enough times

without a helmet

my brain is jello,

but you're sure?

it's me?

maybe ill believe you

after my bruises

fade to yellow &

your tan fades

i'm outclassed, but

still fists up in the ring

with a mouth full of spite &

a spine lined with lead.

duking it out

with my demons

& then taking them to bed.

like an angel cast out or

a martian crash landed,

i've ended up

all out of places &

empty handed.

go on then,

kick me while i'm down

i'll howl at the moon,

or block it out.

nothing much matters

with nothing to lose,

and i always take

if a change is

healing or hurting me.

happiness is abstract,

and i can always find a flaw..

my own mind

seeks out chips in the armor &

digs in til i notice.

i’m fighting against myself,

most days.

some days,

i’m staving off the darkness

with my toes in the sand.

biding my time

until it decides

to make a home in my chest,

pick apart my mind,

take over &

empty me out.

it’s always a surprise

when i find myself

knee deep in sorrow again

really, theres not been a single time

the month off

didn’t feel like enough &

it doesn’t pay much, but

i’ve got my severance to

help me through.

the owner

hired me on the spot

four days ago,

she says i remind her

of a childhood friend,

she says i seem like a good kid.

i didn’t answer a single question

im not coming back,

& you can hate me if it helps.

remember when i told you

how i hate staying stagnant?

well, the tide here

keeps me shifting.

i am & i always was,

background radiation

outside your bunker

waiting to become

chernobyl.

i am & i always was,

elipses at the end of a text-

an uncertainty passing

as an end.

i am & i always was,

a loose motherfucker

with a quiet disposition.

i don’t say much-

but i appreciate

fragile & faint,

a whisper under water.

then raging,

a storm in the summer.

you promised,

‘i’d die

to be the one that

you hold onto.’

what a lie,

& what a massive imposition.

what a shame.

you took so much without giving,

what a crook.

still haunting me

in strangers halls,

what a ghoul.

i’d pay

to peel apart your skull.

hold

your teeth between my teeth.

rest

my tongue inside your jaw.

i had hoped to leave

much more

asheville still tugs

at my heartstrings &

ohio holds a space in my heart.

i can’t walk the streets of dayton

without your shadow on my shoulder &

if i ever return to mexico,

i might spiral to the bottom of the sea.

i might welcome the embrace.

ive got a penchant for

i heard

your boyfriends in a band &

you don’t love him,

like it seems.

that’s just a rumor.

& wishful thinking, for me.

my brother told me

about the baby &

tho it was a bit

out of the blue,

we’re proof.

a lot can happen

in a year.

i’d like to blame your parents.

you give the love

that you inherit, but

my minds not all made up.

i’m always here

when you need me &

it’s a fucking tragedy

how little it takes

to warm me back up.

i wish it were me.

& i wish,

i had the means

to make you happy.

i’ve got a girlfriend now,

i remember being feral,

frothing at the mouth

inside every moment.

i’ve been feeling fallow &

im not used to a listless summer.

(at least that’s my excuse,

when you’re asking)

truthfully,

this room, this home, this city-

feel sick & suffocating.

i feel degraded

by the grief,

by the longing - god,

the longing..

i’m all inside out &

less obstinate

than i imagined at 21..

i miss,

being callous

& brazen

& witless.

oh, to feel

famished

a hollowed out husk of a human,

& you showed such humanity

dragging me aground.

i’d demand the noose,

were i the one left

tip toeing through the tulips

in my steel toed boots -

but you’re better.

you’re the fighter.

& were i any less

of a pirate,

id keep my feet rooted firmly