Im Not Like Other Moms. Im A Cool Mom.

TW: SA

Reading an article tonight about a sexual assault put me in a tailspin that I haven’t had to deal with in a while.

Sexual assault is a crime that will never know justice. If a rapist is ultimately convicted of the crime that occurred, the rapist is never sentenced to solitary confinement outside of our memories as survivors of sexual assault.

How incredible our bodies are, that our own brains will camouflage a memory to protect us…except when our brains are tired and broken down. That’s when the disguise slips, and the mask is ripped off only to reveal a horrific and ugly monster as if you were watching an episode of Scooby-Doo.

For years I’ve wanted to let these secrets I keep go. I’ve wanted to tell all of them to someone who would be just as loyal to them as I had been as their keeper. But I’d convince myself that my sexual experiences were consensual and nothing more than what I was expected to do as a person who was simply seeking affection. Convincing myself that these people were not in the wrong didn’t it make it feel like a vicious secret. Instead I’d warp certain experiences into stories that felt like I were present both mind and body. That I allowed them, and warranted it. Only now do I see differently. Only now I do I feel differently. I feel afflicted by my own secrets that I really never asked to keep in the first place. Because I didn’t ask to be assaulted. I didn’t ask to be taken advantage of or abused. I didn’t ask to be someone’s personal toy, and I certainly didn’t agree to it. And just because I didn’t respond doesn’t mean I said yes.

Saying nothing does not mean yes.

Saying nothing does not mean yes.

Every single day I live with trauma. 35 years next week and each one I’ve been negatively affected by their actions. Even as a grown adult this still has an impact on me.

Short wired

Overwhelmingly

Self deprived

If I had known then what I know now

Would I sink with the ship

Arms stretched at the bow?

And if the dots all connected

And the stars all aligned

Would you think of me differently

Then you did the second time?

I'm a mess

And yes

maybe Im a little selfish

But would it kill you to try

And be a little selfless?

Have your priorities shifted?

Are you carrying all of the weight

Until you can just barely dead lift it?

I wish I knew then what I know now

Still sinking

Arms still stretched at the bow.

You were the iceberg

And I was the shitty seamen

In the crows nest screaming,

"Jesus Christ it's just a bit of ice would you give it a fucking rest!"

.....But I'm lonely.....

You're here and I am so lonely

Life is fucking weird

And superficially

super phony

But who'd of thought it...

You were a part of it

You helped mold, shape, and tear a part all of it.

And now I'm tired

I've grown weary of my surroundings

Im homesick in a box

With a box of my belongings

Trying hard

Reaaaaaally fucking hard to make you fucking understand

My fucking point

And the fucking reason

Why every time I pull from your fucking hand it’s for every apology you ever made

That you never fucking meant..

Only on your fucking time...

When you felt it was fucking time well spent...

But I'm not sorry

Never was and I'll never be

A sigh of relief

Cause I can finally see

It's not worth it

Never was and it'll never be

A sigh of relief

I miss having that person to pull me off the ledge instead of slowly poking me off of it.

I’m almost 36 weeks pregnant.

I’m also extremely depressed on top of it.