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a/n: i keep saying i’m back and then disappear i swear. i wrote this one over a month ago and just discovered it in my drafts. this isn’t a series, i just left the ending open because i wanted you to decide what happens next. also, big up my girl sabina in this fic, she a real one. happy reading, hope it rips your heart out a little xx
one time, you decided to be reckless.
you and alfie had been together for nearly four years. and for all the length of your relationship you had been relying on the pull-out method. somehow, it had always worked. until it didn’t.
alfie was in america filming with the lads, the whole world cup tour, while you were back at your shared house in london. at around 3 a.m., unable to shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, you door dashed four pregnancy tests to the house after realising your period was late.
at first, you tried convincing yourself it was stress. then you checked your cycle.
your heart dropped to your stomach.
your most fertile days landed exactly on the week you and alfie had been having unprotected sex almost everyday before he flew out.
suddenly, your late period didn’t feel like a coincidence anymore.
when the tests arrived, you took all four.
every single one came back positive.
you just sat there on the bathroom floor, staring at the pink lines, completely numb.
pregnant.
the first person you called wasn’t alfie, it was sabina.
the phone rang twice.
“..hello?”, her voice was thick with sleep.
“..reader?”
you opened your mouth. nothing came out.
“sab..”
the moment she heard your voice she sat upright.
“babes? what’s wrong?”
“can you come over? i’m scared..”, you spoke whilst trying to not cry.
“sure, yeah let me get dressed and i’ll be there. what happened?”
you closed your eyes.
“i’m pregnant.”
sabina didn’t ask any further questions, she just mumbled an “be there soon” and head out.
as she was driving to your place, she casually rang chip, not mentioning a single thing about what had happened. she just wanted to know where the boys were.
were they back at the hotel? still filming? already pissed drunk out their minds at a random bar in new york?
chip told her they were all getting ready to head to a club.
when she arrived, she gently told you that you needed to tell alfie.
you didn’t want to. you didn’t want to ruin his trip and drop something this massive on him while he was thousands of miles away.
but he deserved to know.
half an hour later, after staring at his contact for what felt like forever, you finally pressed call.
he answered almost straight away.
there was music blasting in the background, people shouting. he was clearly drunk, but the second he heard your voice, everything about him softened.
“you alright girl? what’s wrong?”
you hadn’t even realised how upset you sounded until he asked.
“talk to me. what’s happened?”
you tried saying the words a dozen different ways, but none of them came out. eventually, through tears, you whispered,
“i’m pregnant.”
everything changed then. the silence lasted only a few seconds before his entire tone shifted.
“..what?”
you repeated yourself.
he laughed once. not because it was funny, but because he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.
“what the fuck d’you mean you’re pregnant?”
“how?”
“you’ve completely fucked my head.”
you tried to explain, but he just kept cutting you off.
he started cussing you out like it was somehow your fault.
“fuck you man, why did you call me? you’ve proper ruined my trip.”
he kept saying he was in america, he couldn’t deal with this right now, and asked what exactly you expected him to do.
“right, so what the fuck do you want me to actually do reader?”
you were already terrified. you’d just found out you were carrying his baby. all you wanted was your boyfriend. instead you got someone who sounded like he didn’t even know who you were.
through tears, you kept tying to calm him down before he hung up.
“please don’t hung up.”
“please, alfie.”
“i’m scared.”
his response?
“do whatever y’want. find a way to fix this shit.”
then the line went dead. you just stared at your phone.
sabina was right there, holding you was you completely fell apart.
“it’s okay sweetheart, he’s just drunk i promise he didn’t mean it.”
she kept telling you he was drunk, that he didn’t know what he was saying. that he loved you.
but those words were already carved deep somewhere inside your chest.
“find a way to fix this shit.”
eventually, you cried yourself to sleep with one hand resting over your stomach.
heartbroken, terrified, and carrying a baby you suddenly weren’t sure the father wanted.
────୨ৎ────
the next morning in america, alfie woke up with the worst hangover of his life.
“…fuuuuck.”
his head was pounding.
his memory was patchy.
he looked at his phone and immediately saw a six minute phone call from you at 4 a.m.
something felt wrong, when he tried ringing you and your phone was off.
he quickly sent a message.
morning darling, are you awake?
please ring me when u wake up xx
are you alright?
nothing.
he threw on a hoodie, and wandered into the airbnb, still trying to remember what the fuck had happened the night before.
he barely made it five steps before spotting chip leaning against the wall with a coffee in his hand.
he didnt even say good morning at alfie.
cause sabina called him last night.
she’d told him everything.
“..you look rough.”
alfie let out a humourless laugh.
“fuckin’ feel rough.”
a silence settled between them.
alfie frowned.
“what?”
“nothing man.” chip shrugged.
“come on, tell me.”
“..how much do you remember from last night?”
alfie frowned once again.
“what’d you mean?”
“just answer bro.”
“bits. club, loads to drink… i think i spoke to reader at some point.”
“think?”
“i definitely answered a call.”
he rubbed the back of his neck, trying to force his brain to work.
summary: the heart rate challenge had yours and alfie’s connection strengthening
content: love island au , sexual tension , lap dances , making out , talks of sex , allusions to sex , swearing
notes: because there’s no actual episode tonight, i present you with this xx
wc: 2,252
WHEN YOU SIGNED up for Love Island, you obviously knew that the heart rate challenge was something you were going to have to do, and before, it didn’t sound too daunting? Now? You felt sick.
You stood in the bedrooms, waiting to be called out, wearing a little two-piece lingerie set, pink and white with floral designs and the top was like a mini corset.
The girls had been hyping you up, telling you how hot you looked and that you were going to rock it. But, it was easier said than done.
You weren’t first up, so that eased your nerves a little, but it didn’t stop your pulse beating heavy and hard.
Upon stepping out and walking in front of the seated boys, you saw Alfie mutter a little ‘Jesus Christ’ under his breath while everyone clapped and cheered for you.
“Hi, Archie.” You giggled, straddling the lap of the man your best friend was partnered up with.
While you rolled your hips against his, Hannah screamed from the terrace, filling your ears with confidence-inducing phrases.
“Reader, you look so fucking hot!”
You moved on swiftly to Morgan.
Not only was he one of Alfie’s closest friends, he was also pretty secure with Holly, and borderline locked off with her.
“You’re too sweet, Morgan.” You said, leaning forward and mouthing at his neck a little before pulling away.
When you reached Alfie, he seemed mesmerised already, but you weren’t about to give it to him that easily.
Instead, you crouched down, licking over the crotch of his jeans, holding his shirt up as your tongue dragged from fabric to bare skin, right up the middle of his chest.
“Fuckin’ell.” He muttered, biting his lower lip as you pecked his cheek and walked off, “Is that all I get?!”
“Patience is a virtue, you can wait, big boy.” You purred, finding your way into Marcus’ lap with your back to his chest.
You moved your hips in small circles, pressing your palms into his knees for stability and sinking down, down, down to the grass, before turning to face him. Knowing he still had a thing for you despite Alfie’s possessive behavior made you want to put a shift in (also, if anything, it would definitely strike something in Alfie, and you loved seeing him get jealous) so you took Marcus’ fingers into your mouth, bobbing your head up and down before pulling away completely and kissing his cheek.
“Reader, you’re nuts, girl!” Archie shouted, clapping and stomping his feet.
You made your way through the rest of the boys with licks of your tongue, occasional kisses and rolling hips, before finally landing back in front of Alfie.
“Hi daddy.” You chimed, making the boys screech in shock while you took his hand and dragged him out the expanse of grass.
“Daddy, is it?” Alfie smirked like a cocky bastard.
“Lie down.” You ordered with a little laugh, pointing to the floor.
He did so without hesitation, and once he was comfy, you sank to your knees with your thighs bracketing his hips.
With slow motions, you dragged your hips back and forth.
And yeah, you did feel him harden beneath you, but it was only more of a confidence boost than anything.
“Yes, Reader!”
“Go on, girl!”
The girls on the terrace shouted down at you.
The manner in which you attached your lips to his was animalistic. There was no gradual build up, it started rough and remained that way.
Your lip combo was confidently ruined, and a mixture of both of your salivas ran down your chin.
His tongue was invasive in your mouth, exploring every inch of it in a way that had your hips moving a little more desperately than you were supposed to.
Your hands were framing his neck whilst his rested on your arse, squeezing the fat and kneading it repeatedly, slightly guiding your movements.
“Oh my God, you two!” James exclaimed, slapping his thigh. “The song’s over!”
“They’re basically having sex!” Christian added on, completely gobsmacked by the display.
To finish it off, you brought your mouth to his ear, moaning breathily down it and then pressing a kiss to his cheek, rolling off of him.
“Bye, baby!” You grinned, jogging off back inside as the boys clapped for you.
“Boys … I’m in love.” Alfie muttered breathlessly as he stood, looking down at his jeans and making sure his situation down there wasn’t too prominent.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊
The boys really didn’t have that much of an effect on you. Christian grinding into your lap did nothing but make you laugh, Morgan grabbing your hand and forcing you to feel up his abs had you grinning, and Marcus bending you over and pretending to fuck you only made you shriek in shock. Sure, they all invoked a reaction, but none of them compared to Alfie.
Seeing him walk out with a red bandana around his neck, cow print ‘shorts’ with cut outs that revealed his dark blue boxers and a cowboy hat on head, had you collapsing back into the seat, crossing one leg over the other and covering your face with your hand.
You were not entertained by his activities with the other girls, and so kept your hand firmly over your eyes until you felt his presence before you.
“Alright, girl? Have this.” He grinned, removing his hat and dropping it onto your head, “I’m coming back to you, gorgeous.”
“Okay.” You beamed, deciding that maybe you could watch.
Nope, bad call.
Seeing his lips on the skin of another girl had your heart caving and face sinking.
“Oh, Reader’s fuming!” Christian gasped from the terrace.
“She’ll only be joking, boys.” Morgan defended you, shaking his head.
Hannah screamed as Alfie gripped Scarlett’s neck on one side and sucked on the other.
Her mouth was agape, nervous laughter escaping. She stared him down as he walked away, giving him the craziest ‘fuck me’ eyes you’d ever seen.
“Back to my number one girl.” Alfie took your hand.
You were intending on keeping up the sour mood, but when he threw you into his arms, you couldn’t help but scream and clutch onto him.
His lips were on yours in an instant, your legs hooked over his forearms. The angle was a little awake, if you were going to be honest, but you were willing to make it work because you’d never been more turned on in your life.
The grass beneath you tickled the skin of your back, your spine digging into it as he forced you to lay flat.
You did have to remove the hat, but you would be putting it back on the moment his performance had come to an end.
He was at your feet, dragging his lips up the length of your leg. Your hands were on your cheeks, staring at him with nothing less than adoration.
Once he was at the very tops of your thighs, he adjusted your legs, throwing them up even higher so they were resting over his shoulders.
The girls screamed for you, Lana getting up and jumping up and down while Mehreen clapped the loudest.
His tongue rolled over the inside of your thigh, his sharp fangs nipping at it and causing goosebumps to rise all over your body in a wave.
If it were just the two of you and you were alone, you most definitely would’ve moaned, but you had to contain yourself.
He continued to mouth at the meat of the peak of your thighs, even going as far as to brush his mouth along the gusset of your knickers.
You actually shrieked, shooting up from the floor and snapping your head in the direction of the girls as he busied himself with your other thigh.
The moment he planted his hand on your chest and forced you back down, you were a goner.
You covered your face with your hands, laughing maniacally at how lucky you were to have him as a man.
He continued the ascent up your body, his tongue darting out occasionally to get a taste of your skin before licking into your mouth.
Once again, the kiss was ferocious and fiery, filled with all the things that made your knees weak and heart stutter.
“Holy fuck, everyone wear your earplugs tonight.” Hannah warned, feeling the sexual chemistry and tension radiating off of the pair of you.
There was a slight burn in the backs of your legs from where they were being stretched upwards, but you really didn’t care, because the burn of passion in your stomach was much more intense and worth paying attention to.
You felt him everywhere; his hand around your neck, the other at your waist, his tongue against yours, his hips clashing into yours, his groans vibrating against your lips.
It was all so much that you couldn’t help the next few words that slipped out.
“I want you to fuck me.”
He pulled away, a little taken aback before smirking, “Tonight?”
You nodded, wasting no time in bringing him back to you.
“Okay, song over! You win, we get it!” Holly exclaimed, waving her hands about.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊
Sat around the firepit, Alfie’s arm was around your waist, his hand flat on your outer thigh as you sat cuddled up. His hat had returned to its rightful place on top of your head.
Lana stood, reading out the results of everyone’s heart rates.
You weren’t shocked when it was revealed that Alfie was the reason for your near-cardiac arrest, and vice versa. But, hearing that you had caused Marcus’ to spike the least had your eyes widening a little.
You felt Alfie’s hand claw at your thigh, digging into the fat as you sunk back into him, trying to show that you were all for him.
He found it a little amusing that Scarlett’s heart rate was raised the most by him, and you wanted to be surprised, but the way she was gazing up at him left no feelings hidden.
“The couple that raised each other’s heart rate the most is … Reader and Alfie.” Has read out.
“No one’s shocked.” Morgan laughed as everyone clapped for you.
You turned to him, a dazed smile on your face before pecking his lips once, twice and then resting your head on his shoulder.
“You were so good.” He muttered into your ear.
“So were you.” You whispered back, toying with his fingers.
. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊
While you were removing your makeup before bed, the girls were all squealing for you, telling you how well you and Alfie worked together and just expressing general excitement for you overall.
“Okay, am I going to have to cover my ears with a pillow tonight?” Mehreen asked, grasping your wrist.
“Guys!” You whined, feeling your cheeks heat up.
“Girl, that was pure passion on the floor!” Holly scoffed, “I’ll be more shocked if you don’t fuck tonight.”
You bit your lip, wondering if this information would be useful or not before blurting out in a whisper, “I told him I wanted him to fuck me tonight.”
“No way!” Hannah screamed, cupping her mouth with her hand.
You nodded, pursing your lips to hold back your grin.
“Oh my God, stop! Why am I excited for you?!” Lana clapped, doing a little dance on the spot.
Slipping into bed beside Alfie, his arms immediately folded over you, chin resting on your shoulder as your nails danced along his forearm and everyone had their before-bed chats. They often consisted of useless nothings that had everyone giggling as the lights shut down.
Speaking of, once the room descended into darkness, Alfie didn’t hesitate to pounce on you. He consumed you whole with one kiss, and you tried to keep the volume down, but it was a lot easier said than done without getting caught up in each other.
The only solution he could find was to pull the duvet up over your heads and hope that it muffled everything enough.
“Do you actually want to? It’s a big step?” He muttered against your mouth, double checking despite the fact that his hand was already down the front of your sleep shorts.
There was a slight hesitation as you thought it over before nodding, “There’s no one else I wanna do it with other than you.”
You couldn’t see it, but you could just feel the grin on his face as he absorbed your words before connecting your mouths again.
It was obvious to the cameras as to what was going on, with his body rustling against the covers as he situated himself on top of you, but you weren’t the only couple getting a little heated.
That made you feel slightly better about it.
“I really, really like you, Reader.” Alfie muttered against your chest.
“I like you too, Alf.” You moaned softly.
“Yeah?”
“Definitely.”
You felt a little sick with nerves at taking this massive leap with him, because for one, you had to be sneaky and discreet about it, and two, it was technically on national television, and you really hoped you weren’t making a mistake by doing this.
But, by the way he looked at you every day and night, you felt like you were being a bit dramatic.
Alfie hadn’t given you one reason to doubt him, so there was no reason why you should.
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sorry the formatting is weird, i'm posting this from my phone
you’re already in bed when your phone buzzes.
it’s nearly midnight and you’ve been curled under the duvet for ages, book in hand, eyes barely open. the night’s been quiet, uneventful—until now.
alfie [11:47pm]
bby i think i’m so drunk but also i miss u and also i can’t find my keys also do you like burritos???
you blink at the message.
then another comes in.
alfie [11:48pm]
i’m outside ur flat. i’m cold. plz hurry i think i saw a fox.
you scramble out of bed, heart already soft, throwing on the nearest hoodie and slippers. when you open the front door, there he is—leaning against the railing, cheeks flushed, hair tousled, a dopey grin spreading across his face the moment he sees you.
“there’s my girl,” he slurs, like he hasn’t seen you in months instead of hours. “you’re so pretty. like. unfairly pretty.”
you cross your arms. “you’re pissed.”
“correct.” he holds out his arms dramatically. “do i still get a hug?”
you sigh, but it’s fond, and you step forward, wrapping him in your arms. he sinks into you immediately, chin on your shoulder, swaying slightly.
“you smell like tequila,” you murmur.
“wrong,” he mumbles. “tequila and loyalty. i told everyone at the pub i’m in love with you.”
you laugh. “oh yeah?”
“mhmm.” he presses a kiss to your hair. “chip said i’m whipped. he’s right. fully cooked. done for. medium rare.”
“babe, that’s a steak.”
“you’re my steak.”
“you’re drunk.”
“i’m in love.”
you tug him inside before he attracts a noise complaint from your neighbours. he stumbles a little as he kicks off his shoes, mumbling under his breath about how the hallway carpet feels like clouds.
you guide him toward the couch, but he veers off course and collapses onto the floor instead, flat on his back, arms splayed like a starfish.
“alfie.”
“yes, darling?”
“why are you on the floor?”
“just need a minute. to recalibrate.”
you kneel beside him, brushing his hair off his forehead. “do you want water?”
he lifts a finger. “two things. one, i love you. two, i would like… water. and maybe crisps.”
you leave him for a moment to grab both. when you return, he’s still on the floor, but now he’s humming a slow, off-key version of a song you don’t recognise.
you hand him the water and he sits up, nearly spilling it before you steady the glass for him. “thank you, nurse. you’re very beautiful.”
“you’ve said that three times now.”
“doesn’t make it less true.”
you help him drink, then open the crisps and place the packet in his lap. he immediately starts eating them like he’s never seen food before.
“why did you drink so much?” you ask gently.
he shrugs, mouth full. “chip kept buying rounds. then arthur dared me to do a shot. then i missed you and got sad. then i had another shot to feel better.”
you reach over to brush crumbs from his jumper. “and now you’re a mess.”
“but your mess,” he says, looking very pleased with himself.
“unfortunately.”
he grins at that, reaching for your hand. “can we cuddle now? floor’s nice but you’re better.”
you tug him up with some effort and lead him to the couch. he flops down dramatically, arms wide, making grabby hands at you until you climb into his lap. he hums happily, nuzzling into your neck.
“you’re so warm,” he whispers.
“that’s because you’re freezing.”
“yeah, but it’s also because you’re the love of my life.”
your heart clenches a little. drunk alfie is always affectionate, always clingy, but something about the way he says it—completely sincere, like it’s the only truth he’s sure of—makes you melt.
you tuck a blanket around both of you, running your fingers through his hair.
“you’re gonna feel like shit in the morning.”
“worth it,” he murmurs. “would do it again. for you.”
“you didn’t even drink for me.”
“everything’s for you, babe.”
you roll your eyes, smiling. “you’re ridiculous.”
“you’re perfect.”
there’s a beat of silence as he settles, his breathing slowing a little, his arms wrapped tight around your waist like he’s afraid you’ll disappear.
you think he might be falling asleep until he says, voice soft, “sorry if i worried you.”
you look down. “you didn’t. well, not much. just glad you’re safe.”
“always safe with you.” he tilts his head up, meeting your eyes. “seriously. i’m such an idiot sometimes but i know i’m lucky. so lucky.”
you kiss his forehead. “i know. and i’ll remind you tomorrow when you’ve got a hangover.”
he groans. “be gentle.”
“we’ll see.”
he grins again, then yawns, eyes fluttering shut. “you’ll still love me even if i puke later, right?”
you laugh. “i’ll love you especially then.”
“gross. but romantic.”
you pull the blanket tighter and settle in, letting his weight anchor you. you know he’ll be embarrassed in the morning. maybe even apologetic. but right now, in this moment, he’s soft and yours and safe.
he shifts slightly, mumbling one last thing before drifting off.
summary: three grown men versus one iceberg-induced breakdown
contains: alfie buttle x reader, mentions of infidelity, crying
word count: 2476
a/n: thank you so much for all the love on the first part!!!!!
maree's new girl au
“So you know how in movies, the main character always ignores the signs?” you said, chuckling at the irony, one leg bouncing under the table as you still couldn’t quite believe the situation you were in right now. “‘Guysss, that’s his girl best friend, they’ve known each other since middle school. They’re always like that.’ And all you want to do is scream at her ‘he’s obviously cheating, you stupid, stupid girl. What is your problem?’ Well my story is kind of like that.”
Nobody said anything for a second, which gave you the perfect opportunity to barrel on anyway.
“Because I was that girl. I was the girl in the cinema with her best friend, laughing in my seat going ‘oh he’d never,’ for like two years, when clearly, in hindsight, there were signs everywhere. I mean the amount of times he was late to dinner because he had ‘work drinks,’ who has work drinks that often, he didn’t even like his coworkers! That should have been sign number one, but noooooo, I just kept making him dinner, asking him about his day at work like an absolute—”
Suddenly you were fully aware, somewhere in the back of your mind, that you’d been talking for a while. You just couldn’t seem to find the off switch.
“—and then there’s the whole kitten heels, which, by the way, who wears tiny kitten heels to someone else’s apartment, at least commit to a proper heel. And I just keep thinking about the fact that I bought that mattress, I picked out that mattress, I spent an entire Saturday testing mattresses in that awful showroom, alone, and he, he just let some girl with god awful kitten heels —”
“Sorry,” you said abruptly, aware that the room had gone very quiet and three sets of eyes were on you with varying degrees of concern. “What was your question again?”
Cal, who hadn’t touched his coffee once during your entire monologue, looked at you with the flat, unbothered expression of a man watching a mildly interesting TV show. “We asked you if you have any pets.”
You stared at him. He stared back, entirely unfazed, like he hadn’t watched you spiral through the five stages of grief in under ninety seconds.
Beside him, Alfie had a hand pressed over his mouth, shoulders shaking slightly, very, very obviously trying not to laugh. Josh looked like he was debating whether it would be rude to offer you a hug.
“Nope, no pets,” you said weekly, cheeks burning. “Sorry. I don’t know what that was.”
“You know what’s funny? When I saw your ad, I thought you were women.”
He room went quiet for half a second before Alfie let out a bark of laughter he clearly hadn’t planned on. “Why would you think that? That’s crazy. I mean, what-”
“Josh wrote the ad,” Cal said, not looking up from his coffee.
“Oh,” you said. “I guess it was something about the words you used. It was like, ‘sun-soaked.’ And ‘girls night snacks.’” Alfie and Cal both burst out laughing at that, and Chip’s ears went slightly pink.
“What are you doing?” Josh said, alarmed, as Alfie suddenly reached for the hem of his gym shirt and pulled it off in one motion, entirely unprompted.
“Wow,” Cal said, sipping his coffee unamused like this happened every day. Which you were starting to suspect, it did.
“What about these?” Alfie asked, flexing with far more confidence than the moment had called for. “These look girly to you?”
"What are we looking at here," Josh muttered, rubbing his temples. "That's baby smooth."
"This is LLA," Alfie declared proudly. "Ladies Love Alfie.”
Cal turned to him very slowly. "What did you just say?" He nodded toward a mason jar sitting on the counter, a strip of masking tape across the front reading DOUCHEBAG JAR in blocky letters. "Go put a pound in the jar. Now.”
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. Now."
"Dammit," Alfie sighed, grabbing his shirt off the floor and slinking off toward the jar, dropping a coin in with the wounded dignity of a man who had clearly made this exact walk many times before.
"LLA," Josh called after him, shaking his head. "What is wrong with you?"
You stood up slowly, glancing around the loft, exposed brick and big windows and a douchebag jar with what looked like an alarming amount of change already in it. "This place is beautiful," you said, mostly to fill the silence. "It gets so much light."
“You know what,” you said, feeling something reckless rise up in your chest, “I actually want to live here.”
“Right, well.” Josh cleared his throat. “I still have a few questions. No offence, but we barely know you.”
“Yeah. No, that’s fair.” You took a breath. “Okay, full disclosure, I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now because of a breakup, so I'll probably be rewatching La La Land or Titanic about six or seven times a week. Possibly a day, depending on how the week's going.”
Cal’s eyebrow twitched upwards slightly, though whether in judgement or approval was genuinely unclear.
"I'm a scriptwriter," you continued, gathering momentum now, "so I talk to myself a lot, full conversations, sometimes entire arguments between two characters that don't exist, out loud, in public, I've had people on the tube look at me like I've lost the plot." You paused. "Also I act things out sometimes. Whole scenes. With voices." You demonstrated, briefly, a small dramatic hand gesture, then immediately regretted it. "And I've been living with my best mate who is disgustingly good at everything, cooking, running, being a functional adult, and I just need to live somewhere I'm not constantly reminded that I once put a fork in the microwave."
"How soon can you move in?" Alfie said immediately, practically vibrating.
"Alfie, slow down," Josh said.
"Not happening," Cal said flatly, at the exact same time.
"Can you give us a second?" Josh said, already steering the other two toward the hallway. "We just need to, er, consult amongst ourselves."
"That's not a thing that happens here," Cal said.
"It's happening right now."
· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · ·
The bathroom door clicked shut behind the three of them, and you stood alone in the middle of the spacious loft, doing your absolute best to not listen to their conversation through the wall. It did not work.
"I say yes," Alfie's voice came through, muffled but enthusiastic. "She acts out whole scenes with voices, Josh. I want that in my life every day."
“I say no,” Cal said. “I like coming home, sitting on the sofa, and not performing basic humanity for a stranger. I like silence, and a woman who talks to herself is not it.”
“Right, well, look.” Josh called out again, clearly trying to referee. “I’ll admit, there are pros here, and there are cons, alright. I’ve lived with women before, my sister, for a two months, after uni, and it’s not all bad–”
“That doesn’t count, Josh, that’s your sister.”
“It’s valuable data, Cal! Pros:a better smelling flat. Cons: occasionally the vibe shifts and you have no idea why. Pros: someone else who understands why you refuse to throw out a plant that’s clearly dead.”
“Make a decision,” the agitation in Cal’s voice was prominent now.
“I’m getting there, hang on–”
There was a pause, then a very distinct rustling sound, followed by Alfie's voice, gleeful. "Oh, don't, don't do the hood thing, Josh, please don't do the hood thing."
"The hood helps me think."
"It doesn't help anyone think, put it down—"
"I know exactly what I'm talking about," Josh's voice said, slightly deadened now, as though genuinely speaking through fabric.
"We've broken him," Alfie said. "We pushed him too far."
There was a long pause.
"Alright," Josh's voice came again, muffled but decisive. "Executive decision. She's in."
"Yes!" you said out loud, immediately clapping a hand over your mouth, because you had absolutely not meant to let that slip through the wall you were very obviously eavesdropping against.
The bathroom door opened a second later, Josh emerging first, hood still half up, looking simultaneously proud of himself and faintly embarrassed. Behind him, Alfie was already grinning, and Cal trailed last, arms crossed, wearing the expression of a man overruled by democracy.
"You're not going to regret this," you said, before any of them could change their minds.
· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · ·
You were sprawled across the sofa, blanket cocooned around you, several tissues already sacrificed to the cause, phone wedged between your ear and shoulder as Titanic played for what was, if you were being honest with yourself, the third time that week.
"I've got to go, mum," you said, dabbing at your eyes. "No, I'm not crying. I'm not watching anything sad." On screen, Rose let go of the door. You made a small, wounded noise. "I have to go."
Alfie wandered in just as you were finishing up, take-out bag in hand, and paused at the sight of you buried in blankets, tear-streaked and clutching a cushion like it had personally wronged you.
"Alright there," you said, wiping your eyes, phone still pressed to your ear. "Hey, are you gonna murder me in my sleep? Since you're basically a stranger I met on the internet."
"Yeah," Alfie said, without missing a beat, dropping his takeaway bag on the counter like this was a perfectly normal exchange to be having. "That's exactly it. Been planning it for days, actually."
"He says no," you said back into the phone, then, before your mum could respond properly, "I've got to go, mum. Love you, bye."
You hung up, and Alfie was still standing there, arms crossed, surveying the wreckage of tissues and blankets around you with something between concern and morbid fascination.
"So," he said. "Should I be worried?"
"About what?"
"About this." He gestured vaguely at you, at the blanket cocoon, at the small mountain of tissues on the coffee table, at the frozen frame of the Titanic poster still glowing on the TV. "You've been down here every night this week. I thought maybe you'd died and nobody had told me."
"I haven't died."
"Could've fooled me." He came round the side of the sofa and peered at the screen properly. "Is this the one with the boat?"
"It's Titanic, Alfie,” you said, surprised he didn’t know the name of the movie. "Right, yeah, the boat one." He nodded slowly, like this confirmed something. "How many times is that now?" You considered lying. "Three."
"Three tonight, or three total?"
"...Total."
"This week."
"...Maybe."
He let out a low whistle, dropping down onto the arm of the sofa, entirely uninvited, one leg hanging off. "That's mad, that is. You know how it ends. The boat's still going down every single time. He's still going to be freezing in that water."
"I know how it ends, Alfie, that's not the point."
"Then what's the point?"
You opened your mouth, then closed it again, because you genuinely didn't have a good answer, not one that didn't sound completely unhinged said out loud. "It's cathartic," you settled on eventually.
"Catha-what?"
"Cathartic. It means it helps. Watching something sad when you're sad, it's like, it lets it out properly."
"Sounds like something a therapist made up to sell more appointments."
"It's an actual psychological concept, Alfie."
"Is it, though?" He reached over and stole one of your remaining tissues before you could stop him, examining it like evidence. "Because from where I'm sitting, it just looks like you are crying on my sofa for the fourth night running, and I'm the one who has to live with the aftermath. There's used tissues everywhere. I don't know how that happened. I don't want to know how that happened."
"That's not mine," you said pointing to a mountain of tissues on the corner of the table.
"It's got your lip balm on it."
You grabbed the cushion and threw it at him, only mildly. He caught it against his chest with an exaggerated oof, grinning despite himself.
"See, that's more like it," he said. "That's the spirit. Violence, not sadness."
"I hate you."
"No you don't." He said it easily, without any real weight behind it, like it was simply a fact of the universe, and infuriatingly, you didn't have a comeback ready.
Josh and Cal came through the front door a minute later, both slightly out of breath from a run, and stopped dead at the state of the living room, the tissues, the blanket cocoon, Alfie sitting on the arm of the sofa holding a cushion like a shield.
"Oh, for God's sake," Cal said, taking in the scene with the weary resignation of a man who had walked into this exact tableau one too many times. "Is she still watching the boat film?"
"It's not cathartic, it's concerning," Josh said, dropping his water bottle on the counter and coming round to properly survey the damage. "Right, that's it, we're doing something about this."
"I'm fine," you said, entirely unconvincingly, pulling the blanket further up around your shoulders.
"Okay," Josh said, clapping his hands together in the manner of someone taking charge of a situation whether it wanted to be taken charge of or not. "New plan. We're all going out tonight. Properly out, not 'stand in the kitchen and have one drink' out."
"I don't want to go out."
"Nobody's asking if you want to," Cal said, already crossing the room and switching the telly off before you could protest. The silence that followed felt oddly loud. "You've been down here every night this week making the rest of us sad by association. It's affecting the whole flat."
"That's not true."
"Josh cried during the news yesterday," Cal said. "The actual news. A segment about interest rates."
"That's unrelated," Josh said quickly. "That's a separate issue."
"Don’t think it is, man."
"Right, well, either way," Josh said, steering the conversation firmly back on track, "you're coming out with us. We'll get you dressed, get some food in you, get you away from the boat for one evening. Consider it a public service."
"For who?"
"For the couch," Cal said. "Mostly."
You looked between the three of them, Alfie still grinning from the arm of the sofa, Josh already halfway to your wardrobe like he had personal opinions about what you should wear, Cal standing with his arms crossed, entirely unmoved by any protest you might attempt.
"I really don't have the energy to argue with all three of you at once," you said eventually.
"Good," Josh called from the hallway. "We leave in three hours. Actual clothes, none of this blanket-as-a-cape situation."
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alfie buttle x reader
summary: you and a stranger are forced to live together for a week with no contact to the outside world
notes: someone help me with a team name pls
trapped masterlist
Day One
11:45 AM
Your suitcase was heavy and way too full, the zip was threatening to re-open with every stair you climbed, the apartment building was large and full of cameras but you expected nothing less from the sidemen
Your friend Tobi had begged for you to be in their most recent video due to someone pulling out last minute, all you knew about said video was living with a stranger for a week and competing with 2 other duos to complete the most challenges successfully earning points for your team
You weren't a stranger to sidemen videos, you'd been in multiple over the years, leading to a major growth in your YouTube channel, where you posted weekly vlogs about your day to day life
"Thought you guys were meant to be loaded" you deadpanned the camera nearby as you lugged your suitcase up the stairs "cant afford a bloody lift"
You eventually reached the floor of your flat for the week, the door labelled 208 was unlocked, thankfully as you hadn't received any keys
The living room was large enough for a 3 seater cream sofa with a small coffee table placed in front and a large tv which seemed to have no remote
"You definitely skimped out on this one" you walked towards the kitchen opening the draws and cupboards to see 2 bowls, 2 plates and 2 pairs of knives and forks "definitely a second channel vid"
You continued to snoop before the letter box in the front door opened and shut with a clang dropping a single envelope on the floor, you hurried over quick to read the secret document
The front of the envelope read 'for readers eyes only' you quickly ripped it open not caring to save the envelope
"Reader, your new roomate will be arriving in 2 minutes, your first challenge is to scare them upon arrival" you laughed at the note before quickly moving to behind the front door where they would enter it was a boring place to hide but it was the first place you saw
The wait for the door to open felt way longer than it was due to the anticipation, you didn't know who to expect, you knew majority of the people in the uk YouTube scene partially due to how many sidemen videos you had appeared in
When the door opened you barely had chance to look at the figure entering before you screamed making them jump
"Fuck off" a large man said holding his hand over his heart "nearly gave me a heart attack" his voice was rough compared to yours
"Sorry" you laughed "it was my first challenge" your voice was sincere despite your laughter at his reaction "i'm reader" you held out your hand finally taking the mans apparence in
He obviously worked out regularly, he was a large man with his curly brown hair cut recently into a mullet, and a pair of coloured sunglasses covering his eyes, you wouldn't lie he was very attractive
"AB" he responded taking your hand and making a weak attempt at eye contact without blushing "have you been here long?" he questioned moving to look around the flat
"Just got here, cupboards are practically empty" you warned as he moved to the kitchen, leaving his suitcase near the front door next to yours
"It's nice though" he spoke turning back around to you "bit small for the sidemen" he laughed opening the fridge to see its empty
"That's what I was thinking" you smiled "so what kind of content do you make?" you asked wanting to get to know the man more
"Just do vlogs really" he laughed to himself
"Me too" you exclaimed "this is gonna be easy we've got so much in common already"
"Have you seen the bedrooms yet?" AB asked walking down the hallway you'd yet to discover
"No I've only had time to look around the kitchen" you confessed following him to the other side of the flat
The two of you stood outside 3 doors one labelled 'diary room' and when you opened the other two you found a bathroom and a bedroom containing a double bed
"One room" AB spoke slowly unsure of what to do in the awkward environment "one bed"
"Thats one way to break the tension" you laughed feeling slightly nervous to share a bed with the 6 foot man
~
12:15 PM
Later in the diary room you sat there in silence, looking around the room unsure what to do, AB or Alfie as he said you could call him had already done his first interview so now it was your turn
"Reader, how do you like the flat" a voice spoke making you jump a little
"It's very nice, were lacking a bit on basic necessities like food" you shifted in the chair trying to get comfortable "but overall, its nice"
"How do you like your new roommate?" the feminine robotic voice asked its tone remaining consistent
"He's great, seems like a good guy, im presuming we have 2 very different fan bases which will be interesting considering we do similar things" you truthfully looked into the camera, a smile making its way to your face
"Please return to the living room, your first challenge awaits"
~
12:25 PM
"AB and reader, this is your first official challenge together" you read from the card on the kitchen counter "you will be competing against the 2 other duos, so you need to try your best" you slid the card over to AB allowing him to read the rest
"You will be participating in the blind, deaf challenge, the blind participant must do all physical aspects of the challenge, the team who wins will receive 3 points" he read out making you laugh "please open your front door"
"Sounds like a torture method" you moved to the front door finding numerous ingredients, noise cancelling headphones and a blindfold
"I'm shit at baking" Alfie confessed holding his hands up "so i'll let you be in charge" he stepped back
"Okay, so do you wanna be blindfolded, so I can see?" you asked handing him the blindfold
"How the fuck do you tie this?" he struggled holding the black cloth around his eyes struggling to secure it on
"Lean down" you giggled moving to help the man
He complied quickly moving down to help you reach near his eyes
"You're actually tiny" Alfie told you now completely blind after you tied the back of the cloth into a knot
"Compared to you, who isn't" you organised all ingredients out onto the counter before placing your headphone on top of your head "I presume we're suppose to be making cupcakes" you assumed looking at what's in front of you
"Okay I can do that" AB hyped himself up forgetting you cant hear him "what do I do now?" he waited for your response "oh fuck, you cant hear" he laughed at himself
"So" you started talking at a volume way too loud for unprotected ears "im gonna hand you the ingredients i just need you to pour it into the bowl in front of you"
"Can do" he responded taking the first packet off you and tipping it upside down
"Great, that was really good" you praised "okay now the milk, be careful yeah" you grabbed his hand to carefully pass him the liquid, the constant contact with you made his face flush not use to this much physical touch "now the egg, can I help do you think that's allowed?" you questioned not wanting him to smash the egg everywhere
"not sure girl" alfie responded forgetting again you cant hear
"ill just guide your hand" you spoke taking his hand again and gently cracking the egg on the side of the bowl "were doing so good" you held your hand up to high five the man eventually noticing he cant see and moving his hand to hit yours "mixing time" without your guidence alfies hands plunged into the unmixed dough
"Ugh, that's a horrible feeling when you cant see it" he complained with a laugh
Eventually everything was mixed to your standards and you and Alfie had somehow managed to put the mixture into a tray and now you had to put it in the oven
"Okay move this way" you placed your hands on Alfie's waist trying to manoeuvre him around the kitchen "stop" he stopped moving in front of the oven and you lowered him till he placed it inside "done" you took your headphones off and he removed his blindfold
"That was easy" he high-fived you again "we've got this in the bag"
"I don't even know what the challenge was, fastest?" you questioned as it wasn't mentioned on the card
"We were rapid to be fair"
~
12:45 PM
The cupcakes had come out the oven perfectly, you jumped up and down in happiness
"AB please come to the diary room" the voice from above spoke and he swiftly moved to the room down the hallway whilst you moved to sit on the sofa
"The smell is making me hella hungry" you admitted to no one in particular hearing your stomach rumble
"AB how did you find the challenge?" the voice asked and AB sighed
"Gyal got a bit touchy, not that I minded she's an absolute rocket" he confessed holding his hands up jokingly
"Where do you think you've placed?"
"Easy number one" Alfie admitted "reader was great at directing i was great at listening for once, we had great teamwork"
~
1:20 PM
The two of you had to wait presumably for the other teams to finish their baking, you passed time by talking about your lives outside of social media
"What would you say is your favourite thing?" you asked looking at the man sat next to you lounging on the sofa "like ever"
"Uh" he thought about it for a minute "probably my house down in the woods, called the grotto, i love it" he smiled at you "white monster is very close second though"
"That makes sense" you told him truthfully "you seem like a wilderness guy"
"Got a gaff in London too, don't rate it as much though" he explained before asking his question "if you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?"
"I like Australia, I've always wanted to go" you answer quickly "its always hot and has sunny beaches"
"That's not a bad shout" Alfie responded before he was cut off by the voice
"Players, the results have been decided" you and Alfie both perked up "in last place with 1 point is Arthur tv and Danny Aarons" you and Alfie looked at each other with hope "in first place with 3 points is AB and reader, AB and reader combined with readers successful challenge earlier you have 4 points total"
"Oh my gosh" you exclaimed moving off the sofa to jump in celebration
"Lets fucking go"
~
3:25 PM
"I'm so hungry" you told Alfie as you leaned on the kitchen counter
"Yeah when are they actually giving us food" he took a sip from his water bottle "it must be like illegal not to right"
"Surely" you agreed "had to hand in our winning cupcakes" you laughed
~
4:05 PM
"AB and reader please open your front door" the voice told you and you quickly moved racing Alfie to the door
Obviously he reached it first the handle almost flying off the door as he pulled the door open
"Food" you exclaimed happily as AB brought a variety of foods forwards "this will last us ages" it was just the basics, nothing fancy or particularly exciting, you were just super hungry
"Could be a worse selection i guess" he deadpanned the camera "don't know how i'll survive without a monster"
~
7:55 PM
Later you and AB had both made seperate meals but ate together at the kitchen island
"I'm excited for the rest of the challenges" you told him whilst blowing on your tomato soup looking at him a few feet away
"They're gonna throw in some twists, gotta keep it entertaining" Alfie responded
"Yeah I agree" you started "we should have a team name"
"You think?" Alfie questioned with a laugh watching you take small spoonful's of your soup
"We could make a team banner and everything" your eyes glistened with the possibilities whilst AB just laughed with you "im serious, this flat is so boring, we need decorations especially if were here for a full week"
"I get you, it is a bit bleak in here" he looked to the plain walls around you trying to imagine some nice prints or paintings
~
8:30 PM
"Voice" you greeted in the diary room trying to squeeze onto the small chair with Alfie
"Is that what were calling her, voice?" he asked with a giggle
"What else would you call her?" you retorted "anyways, we would like to request lots of paper, pens, paint and a banner"
"A whole trees worth pretty please" Alfie added staring into the camera "this is the only thing we will ask for"
"Ever" you promised with uncertainty holding your pinkie out to the screen
"Your request will arrive tomorrow" the familiar robotic voice answered making you light up in excitement as you looked up towards the speaker
"This is gonna be so good" you promised Alfie finally looking back at him and watching him mog the camera "trust me"
"I'm trusting" AB moved to fix his hair in the reflection of the camera lens
~
9:00 PM
"Who are the other teams again?" you asked Alfie, you two back in the living room again, you were trying to prolong going to bed as the thought of the two of you sharing made you super nervous
"Bach and Beano" he tried to recall from what the voice said earlier in the day "tv and Danny Aarons"
"I think Arthur and Danny are the biggest threat to us" you confessed "they're probably being super serious about the competition, well Arthur anyway"
The video flashed back to the previous challenge and the absolute carnage caused by the two youtubers, screaming, shouting and the mess they ended up having to clean
"I'm the only girl" you realised "so we have to win or the sidemen hate women" you smirked into the camera making Alfie laugh
Due to the late time you had both changed into your night clothes, you had your cute satin pyjamas whilst Alfie was just in a white tank top and grey joggers, a deadly combo
"FYI I can only sleep shirtless" he confessed when your conversation flattened out making you raise your eyebrows
"Right okay" you responded "fuck I forgot there is only one bed" you looked up at him
"I can sleep here" he patted the sofa making you instantly wince, it wasn't the comfiest thing ever, his back would be ruined in the morning
"That's actual cruelty, we can just stay on opposite sides of the bed" you told him, not wanting to cause him any unnecessary pain
~
9:45 PM
"Why the flip have you only got one bed" you looked into the camera "I hope every team is getting this treatment"
"Every team is getting the same treatment" the robotic voice confirmed for you
The video moved from you to AB in the diary room
"Nah, this is bout to be bare awkward, known reader for what 10-12 hours and shes gonna see me with my mouth tape, games gone"
"You sure you don't want me on the sofa?" Alfie asked for what seemed like the thousandth time not wanting to make you uncomfortable, his shirt was long discarded but you weren't complaining
"I'm 100% sure" you confirmed moving onto the large bed "its big enough for 3 people anyway and we can do the barrier method" you giggled at your own suggestion grabbing two spare pillows and placing it in between you two
"Cant even hit a doom scroll" AB spoke the sadness apparent in his voice as he laid next to you in the bed "way too early for sleep"
"We can play a game" you suggested sitting up to look at him over the pillow "I brought monopoly in my case"
"As long as I can be the dog" he sat up, his hair at the back flattening down due to the pillow
~
11:45 PM
You were struggling to keep your eyes open as you moved his piece around the edge of the board, you were almost 2 hours in and neither of you were close to winning or losing
"Ha you owe me 150" Alfie told you leaning back on his elbows on the wooden floor, accentuating his arm muscles in the best way which your eyes immediately drifted to
"Ugh" you groaned leaning over to pass him the monopoly paper, a yawn leaving your mouth
"You tired?" his voice softened as he asked the question
"A bit" you responded passing him the dice fighting off another yawn
"We can go bed if you want?" his accent came through a bit more making you laugh and nod
User1: justice for Beano and Bach
ABvloggin: that guy with the blindfold mogs everyone
-> ArthurFrederick: thanks man
User2: reader is so cringe
-> User3: faceless profile shut up
User4: can't wait for next sunday!
DannyAarons: never thought making cupcakes was so hard
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
titsay
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
