-made to make me feel like I'm not screaming into the void, vents, hot takes, things that frustrate me that I can't really talk about. Some posts will be in Polish because I won't bother translating my thoughts just to post it (also where engage in my problematic interests)

This account isn't linked to anything else of mine, even picked a different platform, so don't bother looking. I'm not looking for pity or drama, feel free to block me and go, this is my space for my feelings. I would much rather be blocked by people that are sensitive to certain topics <3

General tw (trigger warnings) : self harm | suicide | parent issues | discussion of taboo topics | taboo in fiction/darkshipping | hypersexuality | childhood trauma | just general warning for a lot of bad feelings

If you feel like this will only make you feel worse, please, block me and take care of yourself. And if you feel like I missed a tag or should add more, let me know

I will not say anyone's name, all people (except parents and other titles) will have emojis

👩‍⚕️-girl from elementary school (no contact)

🐦- partner

🐈-fwb situationship (no contact)

🐕-my longest friendship (no contact)

"Fiction shouldn't affect your morality"

thank you *bows*

Because if you take the phrase at face value, it's stupid, fiction affected me in many ways, good and bad, but it didn't corrupt my morals, only introduced me to new concepts and accept them

I'm into some really weird shit myself but I keep it all in fictional territory. So for example when I start thinking things about for example content creators, scripted smp members, I always try to get it out of my head before anything happens, I'm not gonna actually ship them but just having thoughts about it terrifies me. Like that goes against my morals and thus makes me a bad person or whatever. So I might've done a little oopsie

and asked a fandom if it's fine or not to ship the characters they play or nah VERY PANICKED AND DESPERATE and I feel so stupid lol

But I found out the creators themselves said they aren't really comfortable with shipping so I'm respecting that, end of story and I don't have to beat myself up because of uncertainty

something bad happened at first, then I entered a friend group where one of the guys wanted to fuck me, he did and then he just stuck something in my ass and ignored me, then some girls laughed at me for not knowing certain things and that suddenly I had multiple little balls/eggs in my ass and I freaked out

Then my dad and uncle arrived met up with some of my friends and after seeing the guy who just fucked me my dad went "considering your friend group I think *he* is your better option, you can settle" pointing at my uncle that put his arm around me, I got away from them.

all this happened in the home I spent most of my childhood in, with my room still being like it was when I was a kid, someone tried playing a game with me but I just wanted to run away to my room and lock the doors

I wanna draw fucked up shit but I feel like im wasting my talent, I wanna draw age gap stuff I wanna not be afraid and I wanna feel free to do as I please. but I cant even say what I want to draw cuz im embarrassed

proship is actually just being a normal human but honestly as long as long as it's not saying "yeah you can do this it's cool" darkshipping is also a "do what u want" from me. if you write abt murder no one bats an eye so yeah I don't have energy to explain myself right now

personally I despise lolisho, both of them, it weirds me out and I hate it every time I see it, same with most uncommon paraphilias, but I have some weird likes myself. most of them are only for fiction tho, like monster fucking, I would be terrified if it was an option irl. (saying it as an example)

I have this blog to vent my heart out and I'm tired of always being scared and shit. I fucking love forbidden love, especially incest, idk what it is I don't even have siblings but I just really like it lmao. like hell yeah I want these two brothers to kiss in secret and be all "omg this is so wrong" and keep going, hell yeah. or relationships between an almost adult and a full on adult, like 16 and 25-30, I started making ship art with it when I myself was 16 and in a relationship with a 21 year old and it just kinda stayed. ESPECIALLY if it's the teen courting the adult, adults grroming kids is boooriingggg as a trope

Talked about 👩‍⚕️ And besides the therapist being like "you haven't even said her name once. Not that it's a bad thing" helped me feel a little bit better about validating my feelings of being traumatized

I still feel very conflicted, but it's a little better, knowing that someone that knows everything about it, and suggested how she might've felt as a response, while still admitting she had no right to be aggressive towards me or tell me all the things she said

I think she didn't want to be friends anymore. Ahe didn't like me anymore. But instead of talking she just made our relationship more and more toxic, being mean, dismissive, abandoning me, punching me And not caring about me, at least that's how it felt

I know I did things wrong. But we were young, I was in love and willing to accept anything and everything to just be close to her

I don't think she's a bad person, I never did. I held a lot of animosity at one point, but it was just so I stop thinking about her too much, about how much it hurt. I never really hated her, for anything. I can't even say I wish her good or bad. I just wish she never treats anyone like she did me

I know this is permanent

Idk what's wrong with me. Idk what anyone can do to help me. Why do they expect me to know that? Expect me to tell them what I need to feel better. I don't know. I don't. Why can't you understand that?

I'd rather not talk to anyone than explain it again and again, it doesn't matter. They won't understand no mattet how hard I try. They'll never understand how hard I try

So yes, I do relate deeply to [the character] but with the special kind of bond of thinking they're an alternate version of me (sort of???? In a weird way) but also I don't think I actually AM them. I know that it's a fictional character, a person less complex than me, that people can and will treat like a puppet to play with, and I understand that, I'm not gonna be offended when you insult them or create angst with them, it's just a character, but a character that helped me understand myself better, one that feels so close to me that I can almost feel their animal features on my own body, I feel like myself when friends call me by that character's name

Idk... I feel crazy, I feel like I'm only telling myself that to dissociate from the real world, but I've always done that, I just never met someone so close to what I wish to be