Being Birth Mom

I LOVE YOU.

My daughter turned 3 days old today. I cant believe it. She had her first doctor appointment & her parents told me that she’s all good and healthy and had already gained an ounce back! She had lost only 3% of her weight after being born which came to be about 2 or 3 ounces. The doctor said anything under 10% was a normal amount of loss, so I’m glad she’s doing so well.

It was also my first day home from the hospital & honestly I wish I could’ve stayed. The last time that I was here, I was pregnant so it’s kind of hard to be back. I’m reminded of her everywhere I look & every second of the day. When I was laying down I turned on my side & quickly realized that I no longer need to lay a blanket under my belly. When I was pregnant, Evie used to kick every time I laid on my side but I guess now it doesn’t matter.. It’s also so weird to look in the mirror & no longer see a bump. I still want to touch & rub my stomach to be close to her but she’s no longer in there. I think that’s a regular part of postpartum blues but it seems a bit harder to not be able to see or hold her either.

I’ve cried every night so far just because I miss seeing her so much & I have a feeling that it won’t stop anytime soon. I cant help but tear up when I see her picture & since its the background on my phone, it happens a lot. When I go through all the pictures I have because I cant resist looking at her beautiful face, I become like a waterfall of tears. Part of it is because I miss her, but so much of it is because of how beautiful she is & how much love I have for her. She’s the most wonderful, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and all I want to do is love her & look at her. That’s why it hurts so much to not be able to hold her & kiss her.

I’ve decided that tomorrow I am going to ask her parents if it would be okay for me to see her & them one last time before they go back to their home state. They’re only going to be in town for a few more days & I really just want to be able to hold her one last time & get some more pictures. I was bawling almost the whole time I spent alone with my daughter before she left the hospital so it was hard to enjoy it fully between the tears & tissues. I also want to get a picture of me & her together where you can see both of our faces because I only have one. It’d be better since I wouldn’t be in a hospital gown too & I’d have time to look nice. I really think I need that last time with her. I just hope they say yes.

That’s another thing that is hard as a birth mother. I’m scared & worry because at any time they could just stop talking to me & then I would have no connection with her. They’re amazing people though and I know they wouldn’t do that but emotions & fear just get my brain to think otherwise.