ren

since one direction came into my life, every version of me that has existed has loved them.

at 12, i only knew the words to one thing. at 15, i got to introduce the same song to my 6 year old brother at the time who loved it so much that he would constantly make me play it on my tablet and we would jam out together. it is a core memory of mine.

and not long after, i was watching “one direction funny moments” compilations till early hours of the morning, i was so hooked.

at 14, “1D” was spray painted in massive font on my bedroom door. how i got away with putting straight up black paint on a wooden door is beyond me, but remnants of that sign exist to this day in my childhood bedroom. the same bedroom where, for 4 beautiful years, i got to build a sense of self, and get into a lot of fights on the internet, thanks to these five men.

anyone who knows me irl will tell you that to this day, even as a 25 year old college graduate, i credit my understanding of the english language to the fact that i read a lot (and i truly mean a LOT) of one direction fanfiction on wattpad. before watching your favourite concerts on a grainy livestream was a thing, teenage me was getting up at unholy hours to go on youtube and watch every single concert video from the night before. and not only did i follow OTRA from the other side of the world, i stayed in bed for 7 hours straight on 1D day.

i sobbed for hours upon hours in March of 2015, and then again for their last tour stop at Sheffield, and one more time after their performance of History on X-factor. sadness came to me easily- it was the only plausible way to feel in times like these.

i can’t say the same for myself today. i was at my desk at work, doing something on excel for a project, when i got a text from my friend, yelling at me in all caps that a member of one direction- the band that i love so dearly that even at my grown age i refuse to discuss in front of people who know me in real life because they simply won’t get it- has died. my heart sank to the floor, and i couldn’t believe that i’m meant to go about my work day as if everything is normal.

liam’s death made me dissociate from real life from the minute i heard to about ten minutes ago when i started typing this out. knowing and understanding the one direction fandom means that i knew instantly that the public noise surrounding this news will be vapid and abhorrent- especially for his victims who have been courageous enough to speak out about the abuse they have been put through by this man. the exhaustion i felt when i logged onto twitter on the 16th, from the god awful things people were putting out into the world with no regard for the very real people who are being affected by his death, is unfortunately as eerily close to 2013-2015 as i have ever felt.

much like 2013-2015, though, i couldn’t do anything but keep going on twitter. seeing posts from long dead 1D stan accounts who were the only people who could understand the deep confusion and sadness that i was feeling. my timeline hasn’t been this inundated with pure one direction content in many many years, and these were the only people who made me feel less alone. og directions, who have for a while now stopped being a supporter of liam payne for the terrible things he has done since the band’s dissolution, are the only ones who know how confusing this grief has felt.

and then came the joint statement, signed in order of oldest to youngest, from louis, zayn, niall, and harry, and their tributes to one of the 5 (now 4) people in the world who lived through the phenomenon that changed the course of music history for the rest of time. the versions of liam that each of them chose to share with the rest of the world, their love for him, and even the regrets that came from the distance that grew between them- that hurt me more than my own sorrow. at the end of the day, you can’t really take the parasocial obsession out of the teenage girl who lives in me.

i’m sad that in the wake of his death, those he has harmed are going to be unfairly and unjustifiably blamed by the insufferable people who refuse to accept that death does not absolve someone of their wrongdoings.

seeing louis: punk edit

seeing zayn: holy mother of punk edits

seeing liam: punk/David Beckham edit

seeing harry: punk/hipster edit