Becky

Hi :) 

How have you all been? I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long.  

Things got really hard for a while. I kept jumping on every opportunity to feel better and in doing so, I lost myself again. I was carrying on, showing up everyday, but I wasn’t here.  

This has to be by far the longest period of extreme depression I’ve ever been in. From October to February, I battled extreme suicidal thoughts daily. The only thing that kept me going was my dog. Knowing that if I went, he’d be locked in my little apartment or possibly taken away by animal control and put to sleep. I owe that little mutt my life. He laid by my bedside when I was trapped in my sheets unable to move despite the voice deep inside be screaming to just get up.  

I could tell that this episode was different from the others. It seemed like it would never end. I kept holding onto the hope that one day I’d wake up and the heaviness in my limbs would suddenly be gone and a lighter mindset would come in and shift my perspective like it had so many times before. Not this time. I spent countless nights drinking and smoking myself in a stupor hoping to ease some of the pain I felt. It worked, temporarily. But, by the time I was alone and in bed for the night, the anxiety and depression came back with a vengeance. I isolated from everyone and cried alone for most of the nights. 

I kept going through the motions. I’d show up for work every day. I’d still spend time with my best friend and he could see that I wasn’t myself. He sat through it with me, never once making me feel bad like many had before for not being the bubbly person they wanted me to be. I’m grateful to him for that. Maybe more than he’ll ever know.  

I walked out of my job. I showed up for my shift as normal. I had set up a suicide attempt the night before and had decided against going through with it. I showed up for my shift on time as I usually do, only to realize I’d worn the wrong shoes (we had uniforms, only my shoes were in violation). Living as far as I did from that workplace, I was not too keen on driving 45 minute to go change my shoes only to drive another 45 minutes to come back, so.. I left. I remember staring blankly at the wall with my posted schedule on it and listening to the bickering and chastising from my manager about my shoes. I turned around silently and slowly and walked out. It felt surreal watching my phone ring in the passenger seat of my car. I expected to feel my usual wave of anxiety as the voicemail notifications piled up, but I never even listened to them. I sent a text to a former boss and secured another job within the hour of leaving this one.  

 Immediately after leaving this job, I fell sick.  A horrible cold (not covid, I checked multiple times) that had me barely conscious for the better part for five days. After battling fever dreams and the inability to breathe for a few days, I emerged feeling better than I had in a while. There was that spontaneous revival I had been begging and hoping for. Ever since then, I’ve acclimated at my new job. I have amazing managers and coworkers. My new place of work is super chill and I’ve been working on myself and my happiness. This is the happiest I’ve been in quite a very long time. I just wanted to write it down.  

I’m sure I’ll be due for another depressive episode any day now, but for now I thoroughly enjoying my current zest for life and apparent good luck. I’m feeling more and more grateful every day. I’m happy I have more energy and now more time to spend with my dog who stayed by my side faithfully throughout my darkest time. He seems happy to see me up and running around with him outside. My best friend recently stated how much happier I seem. I took a break from drinking and smoking and now I’m able to enjoy it socially again without the impending sense of doom hours later.  

So I guess things really do get better. When I was deep in it, I was so angry and confused because I said that exact same prase to myself again. “I thought it was supposed to get better”. “ I thought I was doing better, what happened”? “I’m never going to get to feel better”.  This time around, I really made myself proud. Normally I’d abandon all hope and become comfortable in making myself a victim to my depression. This time around, I held onto that shred of hope as dismal as things seemed, and I carried on. I’m proud of my little progress and I can’t wait to make more.  

I’, really liking documenting my life’s ups and downs on tumblr. It helps me think things out a lot. If you happen upon this, I hope you like my silly retellings. my more egotistical self hopes maybe you’ll find some experiences that can help you in your own life, or at least maybe just bring you some comfort when you need it. :)  

Today:

Me:

It is miserable outside. My throat and head hurt like I’m coming down with something. I hope it’s not corona. My other personality hopes its corona. She knows we have enough saved up to have a sweet two week break from work. She’s right, but I don’t want to do that. I want to work and make more money. 

MY GOOOODDDD MYY GODDDDDD 

I am feeling better today.... I thank you all for your patience.