Just another Tumblr

here’s a post to all those who never got “sick enough” to go to treatment; who were able to succeed in recovery in an outpatient setting or without therapy at all. here’s a post validating that it’s okay to feel inadequate, like a failure, like a liar, like a fake, because you never needed a higher level of care. your pain is real and it is valid.

Pay attention to what is leaving and make peace with what isn’t coming back.

And now we’re supposed to go back to our normal lives. That’s what people do. They have these amazing experiences with another person, and then they just go home and clean the bathroom or whatever.

at this time last year i was a mess and i feel like a mess again

We learn that the heart is the same size as the fist but we keep forgetting they don’t have the same functions

You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy

things i wish i knew when i started running

Once you are part of the drug culture, you never really escape it.

Addiction is not pretty girls sniffing cocaine on glass tables in low-cut dresses and drinking expensive liquor that you cant even pronounce. Addiction is not a “quirk” that you can add to characters in your fan-fiction, to make them tragedy. Addiction is that feeling of relief when your paycheque comes in, even if its supposed to pay your rent. Addiction is watching your face hollow out, following suit with your mind. Addiction is telling your friends and family that it’s “just allergies”, even though you have sounded stuffed up all-year round. Addiction is that look of disapproval and pity the volunteers at the drug clinic give you, as you throw your used needles into that yellow bio-hazard box, and reluctantly take a pack of 10 new clean ones. Addiction is sitting in 7 day detox programs, writing out a 90 day recovery plan, and praying that you can actually stick to it. Praying. Addiction is lies. Addiction is feelings of shame. Drugs were supposed to be fun. They used to help you break down those social barriers, although ironically enough, now you couldn’t care less if you didn’t see another person ever again for the rest of your life. On the inhale. You feel your heart pump faster. Your blood speeds through your system. You feel feelings of euphoria you didnt know were possible. On the exhale. You realize thats another $50 dollars gone. You remember that thing you had to do yesterday that you slept through. You remember the cracking in your mothers voice when you picked up the phone and told her you weren’t coming home again. You remember what you had. You remember what you lost. Drugs can take you to other worlds, much different than our own. But they will never take you to a world that mirrors what life was like before.

If you start living for the smallest reasons, that’s when you know you’re really living. The smell of rain after a thunderstorm, the shades of pavements when it’s autumn, the harvest season and the unspoken competition to pick the freshest tomatoes, the mediocre midnights and the color of the sunsets, the smell of bakeshops early in the morning, the frosty breeze of the fast-approaching winter, the warmth of oven when baking Christmas cookies, the thickness of paper when flipping through magazine pages, the smell of new books and new clothes and new things. When you start looking at things, really really looking, you’ll start living. Because then you’ll understand how it is to really be a human in this world full of people.