trying her best™

remember how i keep on telling you i’ve been really busy with my preps for CETs and how my parents imposed strict curfews and schedules to maximize the little time i have to study? yep, that’s not exactly how it’s been working out with my life right now. i do study but i occasionally check on my phone, respond on messages on tumblr, tweet things, watch 2 or 3 unrelated youtube videos after finishing like 3 or 4 academic ones and many many more! this is why as most of you might have noticed, despite being “busy,” i still regularly respond to your messages, check on my tag, reblog your stuff, despite running a queue. it’s equally embarassing as it is horrifying. and i feel terrible about it. although i must admit that i’ve had a pretty legitimate and respectable outcomes, at the end of the day, i know i can do better. and guess who’s the culprit who keeps on distracting me? yep, that’s right: my one and only treasured possesion- my cellphone.

two, three, or four years ago, my mother began noticing this quite destructive addiction of mine. she will often times call me out, saying things like: “hey, you should spend more time with your family.” or “i will definitely confiscate your phone if you still act like this in a week.” and of course i was threatened as heck because i dont want to lose my cellphone. so, i will pretend i don’t use it in the morning but later that night, when im all alone in my room, you will see my hiding under my blankets laughing all by myself because of dank memes™ or googling cute dog pictures. being the ‘milennial’ and 'god they’re just being lame because they’re obviously not from my generation’ am, i did not know then the extent of my obsession. not until recently!

there is nothing wrong with using technology or gadgets. if anything, they help us become more productive and practically make our lives way, way easier! however, like what they all say, a little much of something is not a good thing! and the same goes with my so-called gadget addiction.

while scrolling through my feed one time, i stumbled upon this article written by emma on messyheads entitled “cant call, im in cuba” published two months ago. and i was frankly baffled. she opened her article with a scientific study concluding that an average person spends right about 300 times a day checking on their phone. yep, you got that right: 300 freaking times of checking on my emails, my twitter, tumblr, responding to messages, et. and while that figure might seem surprising to you. i’ve read another article stating that an average person spends right about 5 hours per day just doing their thing on their mobile! yep, that’s right five freaking hours of looking on that lil bright screen! and just like what emma said on her article, there’s way too many things that you could do on the span of just endlessly scrolling through your dash like finishing an entire course for my CETs preps/reviews, cooking 10 different dishes, working on my painting, working on my embroidery skills, finishing a harry potter book, etc! and you know what this literally made me realize? technology defeated the purpose of helping me become productive because instead, i end up being even more unproductive. and did achieve anything from all the things that i’ve been? absolutely nothing. the even funnier part is: i have absolutely no idea what i do with those five freaking hours! i mean, time flies so fast when you’re enjoying something, that’s true but i dont even know if im exactly enjoying what im doing because if anything, it only makes me feel even more guilty and terrible about it!

i already have no idea where this text post is going but i guess while writing this i was able to realize a couple of things: my patience significantly declines and i tend to appreciate little things less once get too caught up with my phone.

1. patience: the thing about me is i am an incredibly, commendably patient person. i wait for my turn and i believe in its power and value that is fundamental in becoming an ethical person. however although this is very embarrasing to admit, i have realized that using my phone massively declined my patience. how did i know? well, it took me an entire day to write this post because when im done with like a sentence or two, i tend to get distracted with my notifications and wander off of my notepad and start interacting with people. i know there is nothing wrong with that because the world practically revolves around the internet right now. but unfortunately, when i became addicted with my mobile, i am no longer just using it because i have something important to accomplish; rather it became an itch that needs to be scratched and i use it just because i want to instead.

2. appreciation: this is quite frankly probably the saddest part about my cellphone addiction. you know how much i love the little things about people and the world, right? yep. however, due to this addiction, i tend to focus more on my cellphone screen and not the beautiful things around me. i mean, sure you can google #goals stuff or see even more aesthetic things on tumblr, but i think there is still nothing more beautiful than having the chance to see something magical first hand! furthermore, when im out with my family for dinner, i have realized an even more heartbreaking thing: we no longer converse the way we used to! because instead of communicating or asking for menu first, we ask for for the wifi password and live our social media life instead. i mean, sure we still talk but im not that stupid to not realize that it’s not like it used to be when my brother and i were 11 or 10. it’s an ugly realization that i hope would eventually change.

i have nothing against the usage of social media as a platform to express yourself or to get friends from all over the world. i believe, as a matter of fact, that it is one of the most revolutionary things that this planet was able to create and i frankly believe that it will be for a long, long time. however, i think it is also still very important to shut out of it once in a while, give yourself a break, a breather, and just enjoy your life the way our ancestors or grandparents would even without the internet.

i grew up in an emotinally exhausting family. my mom had a really awful childhood experience (my gramps used to hit my granny) and it led her to having intense trust issues and other (altho not clinically diagnosed) mental problems that she could not admit to herself. my father, on the other hand is passive as heck, so like it will always be my mother who ‘disciplines’ my brother and i. she was a perfectionist, over-protective, quite paranoid, and competitive. and what i really don’t like about her is that she wants everyone to think of her as a really good person. she forced her ideals to me and my brother and made sure that we are ‘as perfect as possible’ so that we will all end up being liked by her friends and our relatives. i never liked it but i have no other choice. and then slowly, people noticed my capabilities and from then onwards, pleasing people has become not just something that i want, but rather something that i need.

i can’t begin to explain how much this broke me. when i piss people off or when i learn that some people are talking behind my back, i always end up crying and confronting them: asking what’s wrong, what the heck did i do to deserve the hatred. and of course they will not tell me or if they would, it will most likely be just a lie. and that will break me even more! because then i will realize that it’s either i made someone really sad or im not enough to make someone happy. and that is just a very wrong way to perceive things.

expecting to please everyone is really twisted because that’s clearly impossible! sometimes, some people will misinterpret you, dislike you for no reason, or just doesn’t like your vibes, and that’s okay. that’s perfectly normal because i have my days too (altho i try not to project the anger to those people)! you cant expect to be in a room of 100 people and everyone will end up liking the things that you say!!! and that’s okay. that does not define my worth as a human being and that does not mean i am a bad person. it just means that on some days, you will meet people who will not agree with the things that you say. life is filled with yes and no anyway! there are no in betweens and yes, when you’re a yes person, you will eventually meet a no person!! such is life!!

i dont know when it actually hit me, but slowly, i learned not to depend my self-worth on other people’s opinion of me. because honestly at the end of the day people will always just have something to say about you. now, im not saying that i decided to live the ‘screw you, i dont care. this is me, i dont need your opinion at all.’ life. it’s actually did not intend to make it sound like that but instead, i take their advice, reevaluate myself, check if it’s something relevant and if it is, i will take it and try to better myself! this is the very essence of accepting change and growth. i did not do it because i want to be liked by that person but because i know i need it to grow!

my battle with people-pleasing syndrome is still a constant struggle but i try my very best! i hope one day i will be able to surpass this huge barrier between me and my better self!

hoping for the best.

you are bitter medicine that i am already growing tired of drinking the taste of your angst and the hopelessness on my tongue keeps on rolling, drinking, hoping this madness and sadness might sweep away;

you are bitter medicine that somehow makes me feel better despite the bitterness in my throat or the sour taste in my stomach after what felt like never eating forever you are my remedy

Being the person that I am today is so very exhausting. In everything that I do, I always ponder upon the outcomes first: will this be in any way destructive to my neighbors? Is this what a sane person would most likely do? Am i still on the right mind? Will i torment other people if I follow my heart?

And, lately I’ve realized that contrary to popular belief, being kind is actually not as rewarding. I mean, of course, there were fuzzy feelings, happy and warm hearts! But it will only last for a week or two. Eventually, the darkness will begin to grow inside your chest and little by little it will consume the goodness in you.

The mass of school works on my shoulders is beginning to make me feel exhausted and extra anxious once again.

This is a peculiar case considering that I have already reached this very beautiful phase in my life that I would like to call The Academic Nirvana. This very academic nirvana really helped me get through my 5-month-long depression era. But to clarify things: I personally believe it is not as "depressing" as most clinically diagnosed people feel, although it’s equally destructive and exhausting.

And to be frank, the mere thought of having to fall back to my old days is making me even more frustrated. It is by far the darkest phase of my life and battling the same demons and having to face an equal amount of monsters is even scarier the second time.

i have revamped my writing blog- url and everything else- to give it an even more minimalist look. i will (also) perhaps be switching back to the old, relatively efficient way of writing my posts because i have realized that most of my popular prose made it to the top yet they are either not credited or the crediting is improperly done. thus, to make it more obvious that they’re all original, i decided to keep it this way. i hope you guys will understand.

Lots of love,