bears don’t wear pants

Chapter Seven: Tastes Like Midlife Crisis

            The office felt cold. It wasn’t just the grey carpets and the closed blinds but how even the waiting room felt forced. Sophia sat in the icy leather couch waiting to be called while the clacking of a keyboard echoed off the walls of the tiny room. The secretary went on with their work after checking Sophia in and they didn’t prompt any idle conversation. Sophia was glad for it. She felt exhausted. There was fatigue settling in her bones and a drag that felt like it was pulling her heart down to her stomach.

            “Ms. Sophia.” A man stood in the door way. His brown attire made his skin look pale and seemed to deepen the shadows of his wrinkled face and hands. He pushed back his grey hair and when his green eyes laid on Sophia, a smile emerged on the sullen face.

            “Dr. Lucius.” Sophia shook his hand to great him. It was light and she could see when she looked upon the older gentleman he had appreciated the gesture.

            “Professor is just fine Ms. Sophia. Follow me if you please.” His kind presence was the only thing that brought warmth into the room as he pointed his hand through the door behind him.

            “Professor.” Sophia nodded and again tried to make a mental note of his request. It was hard not to resort calling him a doctor. He was her doctor, therapist to be exact. She walked ahead into his familiar office and her eyes drifted to the same shelf she always saw first. The bookshelf was cluttered with statues, leather bound books, but also sweet looking photographs of younger children Professor Lucius had mentioned fostering at some point. The smiles in the photos always tugged at Sophia’s heart strings. She could never imagine being so open to take on as many children over the years as he did. She felt as if she was barely managing with her one daughter.

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Sweet and Sour

The cherry blossoms were in full bloom and the evening was starting to end. You could see the sun hanging above the vast crimson and citrus colors of the horizons. The way they splashed onto the fluffy clouds above reminded you of cotton candy. You were having a great day, almost too great, there was a part of you that felt weary at the prospect.

“You good, pipsqueak?” Caleb asked with his crinkled nose and smiling violet eyes. It was his gaze that mellowed you, reminded you to enjoy yourself. You could relax around him.

“Yeah.” You sighed longingly but you couldn’t help it. There was always a hovering sadness after having too much fun. It was always there to greet you late into the night. A gentle reminder of the heaviness that dwelled in your chest no matter how much your heart fluttered with joy.

“Promise?” His shoulder playfully bumped into yours as you continued to walk the path down the park. There were couples and kids and pets all enjoying the same sight you did but that closeness made it feel like it was just the two of you.

“Promise.” You made sure to look into his eyes, smile as brightly as you could, and push down the feeling. This was fun, you were having fun, and Caleb was having fun with you. It repeated in your head like a mantra.

“And that is the weather for tomorrow and now we bring it over to Linda Samson to tell us about the new museum being built in Linkon.” The T.V was blaring in the background. You put it on to fill the empty space of the apartment. Stirring the pot of sauce on the stove you peek at your phone again checking for any notification, still none. You bit your bottom lip as an unconscious punishment. You let yourself be hopeful again. Let yourself think that being your full 100% self was okay.

Your breath hitched in the back of your throat as you felt on edge of an anxious spiral. You knew you shouldn’t just leap into it but it was hard not to be consumed by these thoughts. The five messages you sent him in the past 48 hours sat there. Two were you checking in on his day, and the other three were random thoughts you had that you wanted to share with him. That creeping voice snuck back into your mind, “you’re overwhelming, why don’t you back off?”

The memory stung like the first time you heard your ex tell you that. It was hard not to believe them. Even with platonic friends sometimes it felt like maybe you did suffocate them with your type of affections and attention. You just wanted connection but maybe you were supposed to be more aloof than this. You were a Hunter after all, maybe there was a rulebook you had miss that included how to be cool and unbothered.

You took in a big breath, inhaling it as far as your lungs would allow it. You knew better, now exhaling. You put your phone on do not disturb and put it in your bedroom. It was time to give Caleb some space. It was obvious to you he was nonresponsive because of your behavior. No one wanted to be messaged that many times in a row and you had to deal with your loneliness on your own. That’s how it was supposed to be. It was better to distract yourself.

You came back to stir dinner some more but it was hard to find your appetite after feeling like you were reverting. You worked so hard to be normal and loved. To burry your instinctive need to gobble up as much attention as possible because it was so nice and foreign but that’s not how its supposed to be. You are supposed to wait for people to come to you. That’s what life had consistently taught you, yet silly you forgot because Caleb was so doting on the last few dates you had been on. You hoped for a second maybe he was kind of like you. No one ever was.

You turned off the stove top and placed the spoon on the counter. A feeling of defeat started to fill your stomach instead of the meal you were preparing. Putting a lid on the pot you grabbed it and put it in the stove, resolving to either finish cooking it later in the evening or throwing it out. You didn’t have it in you to cook anymore. The T.V was still blaring but you didn’t really feel comforted by it anymore. The noise seemed to claw into your skull unpleasantly so you turned it off. Your feet dragged you to your room and to your bed. Your body flopping onto it and you felt your body deflate into it. It was better to just got to bed.

Separate yourself from the world. Embrace the loneliness because it was never going to leave. That was the easiest thing to do.

The grocery store was crowded and you felt like you were trapped in a maze of people with no way out. It became harder to want to finish the trip but you knew if you didn’t do this now you’d find every excuse not to do it for the rest of the work week.

Your phone buzzed as you were looking at different cereal brands, your comfort one not among them to your dismay, and saw the familiar icon that had texted you. You had kept your phone on do not disturb for the weekend and now that Sunday was almost over you had taken it off. As suspected when you did it, you were not bombarded with messages but instead were still unanswered and alone. But now there was a message, and a part of you was afraid to even open it.

You debated if it would be better to not open it. Just stay in the comfort of your current misery instead of allowing yourself to get excited. Your fingers moved without you and the message opened.

‘Hey Pipsqueak, had a Deepspace emergency, dinner tonight?’

You felt that warm smile creep onto your face and the single message felt as if it had lifted half of the stormy clouds that had been hovering over you. Inside you were cautious and hopeful but with all that caution you reminded yourself you just had to tone down your expectations. Remember, cool and unbothered. Be normal.

‘Sure.’ You texted back after staring at the message for eight minutes debating what message would reflect this new mission to be cool and unbothered by their loneliness. You threw your phone back into your pocket and briskly walked from the cereals to look at what meats were on sale for the day. If you were to have dinner together you knew that it would be better to have options. Most of your leftovers in the fridge were going bad and were mostly untouched, ever since Thursday you hadn’t had much of an appetite. Tonight, that would change. That eagerness already electrifying your synapses and nerves. A small curling twist inside you that tried to strangle that eagerness to remind you of your new prerogative.

“You didn’t have to get all of this, Pips.” Caleb had that half hearted frown. He wanted to scold you for taking the initiative to buy everything for the meal but you could tell he secretly enjoyed that you did this much for him.

“I already knew you were going to take over the cooking.” You said with a soft smile. You were putting away some of the dry goods that were bought just for you to use over the month. Ever since he had arrived at your apartment you were having a hard time with lingering eye contact and you were keeping your hands busy so it wasn’t noticeable.

Cool and unbothered, the new mantra repeated in your head.

“Yeah, but still,” He had walked up behind you, and as you were trying to throw the box the rest of the way on the top shelf, his hand had grasped yours to help. “I don’t mind taking care of everything.”

Caleb looked down at you, his lips slightly parted and his eyes searching for something. You realized you had been locked into his gaze for a moment longer than you wanted. You quickly twisted out from him, brushing your hands together like you were dusting something off of them, cool and unbothered.

“I know.” Your voice was betraying you; it sounded vulnerable and you gritted your teeth. Those lingering feelings seemed to be awakened whenever you brushed against him. Burying the loneliness was harder now that he was within arm’s reach, somehow him being even closer made you feel emptier.

“It’s nice to take on tasks equally though. That way no one is expecting too much from the other.” You forced a little more pep into your words and you were tackling another arrangement of groceries that needed to be put away. As the fridge was opened you realized you had to make more room for the newer food items so you began to put things on the counter behind you, engrossing yourself into the current errand.

“This is a lot of leftovers to get rid of.” Caleb was holding the fridge door, his gravitational pull to you didn’t seemed to be evoked through his evol. A small worry flashed across your mind, maybe he could sense how lonely and pathetic you felt and you knew that would be bad. No one should know how much you desperately craved their attention; they’d be mad if they found out. “Have you been having company?”

The question surprised you and you pulled your head out of the fridge to look at him. At first glance he had a playful look about him but there was a certain harden edge in his eyes. You weren’t sure what had caused it, maybe he did find out about your true feelings. Maybe the jig was up.

“No,” You stammered a bit, trying to pull yourself together. “I just made too much food. I wasn’t very hungry after making some of these meals.”

“So,” He leaned on the counter behind you, arms crossed, his eyes still searching, “These are all your dinners from over the weekend?”

“Yeah.” You said softly and held his gaze for only a fraction before continuing with making room in the fridge. You thought it was odd he assumed all of this was made for company. You almost wished it was true.

“Pips, you know you can tell me anything right? Right?” Caleb dragged out the last word for emphasis and that was what stopped you for a moment. Your heart felt like it was in the back of your throat.

“Anything?” You refrained from swallowing loudly but that feeling in the back of your throat made you feel like you were going to choke.

“Yes, anything.” He stepped forward and closed what little distance the two of you already had, his arms wrapping around you to take into him. The warmth was sudden and overwhelming. It was as if your body never truly warmed above room temperature until he had held you. The embrace had you wanting to spill everything. Your horrible weekend, your insecurities, how much you missed him, how even though it was silly you felt like he didn’t actually want to be here right now because if he did wouldn’t he have responded over the weekend?

Instead of saying anything you exhaled a shaky breath and tried to collect yourself. Accepting the embrace at face value, he was someone you were dating and this is what dating people do they hug each other. He didn’t need to know the nitty gritty.  

“Thank you.” You whispered as you stepped back, the loss of his warmth covered your arms in goosebumps but you held your own arms and tried to smile.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” His large hand rubbed the top of your head and ruffled your hair. He had a huge inviting smile and it was hard not to smile back. “And you can’t lie to me, its written all over your face.”

“Yes.” You exhaled with a smirk on your face; all the negativity was pushed down now. “I’m starving.”

He blinked at you in surprise as if that wasn’t the answer he expected. You patted his arm before walking past him.

“Please cook a good meal, Caleb!” You clasped your hands and then did a performative bow in jest before running out and leaving him in the kitchen alone. You needed space before he got more than what he bargained for.

The dinner was delicious and you were grateful for regaining your appetite this night. Caleb had prodded a few times about all the leftovers you had in your fridge but you assured him they were from cooking too much food.

“Then should I come by more often to help you eat them?” He teased but the prospect was exciting to you. Your eyes lit up and you were ready to agree when you remembered your new motto, cool and unbothered. The words touched the front of your mind and you had to remember to reel in your excitement. He was probably joking just as his tone had indicated.

“No, well I mean if you want.” You were trying to pick the right way to encourage the idea without sounding too overbearing but it was harder than expected.

“It’s a deal then. If you make too much food, you will call me so I can come help with the rest.” He smiled before putting another forkful of dinner into his mouth. Caleb had such a boyish charm to him that you couldn’t help but be swooned by it. You nodded gently, unwilling to argue with such an arrangement.

“I hope you know what you are getting into.” You laughed, “If you come over every time it happens you might grow bored of me quicker than expected.”

The self-deprecating joke slipped but you laughed at it anyway. As they said you can’t laugh at others unless you can laugh at yourself. However, when you looked over Caleb wasn’t smiling as brightly before and that made you freeze. Made you suddenly all too anxious.

“I don’t see myself getting bored of you any time soon.” He said quietly, his eyes searching again. You weren’t entirely sure how to breathe but you tried to resume its normal rhythm.

“Good.” Was the only response you could think of. You both quietly ate for another moment but the new found silence made you feel at fault so you stood to grab the plates. “If you are finish, I’ll do the dishes.”

He nodded and you gathered up your mess. When you reached over to his, he had stopped you by grabbing onto your wrist. You stared at his big hand and then at him for explanation. Suddenly you were very certain you had said something wrong.

“I’m sorry.” The apology spilled out more frantically than you intended but it was a knee jerk reaction. You went over the small joke in your head, maybe it was too on the head and he was mad you pointed it out.

“Why are you apologizing?” His brows raised with confusion and he pulled your hand to his face, his lips gently caressing it. “What is it going to take to get you to spill whats been on your pretty little mind? Huh?”

He kissed your knuckles and grabbed the plates out of your other hand, putting them onto the table before pulling you into him again. Caleb let go of your hand and started to push back the strands of hair out of your face. You weren’t entirely sure what to say. He had stun locked you with his seriousness and then affection. It was hard to anticipate what an appropriate reaction was to this but you knew for certain that your insides were fluttering rapidly.

“What makes you think you really want to know?” You were uncertain how much you were willing to share in fear of being punished. Punished by being left alone again. That’s what your ex used to do and even if Caleb was clearly different it was still hard to think being honest and vulnerable was going to end in any other way.

“Because there is nothing about you that would scare me away that easily.” He said gently as his finger caressed your cheek. “Let me lift your burden, share it with me.”

His argument was convincing but there was still that little voice in the back of your head screaming not to do it.

“There’s nothing worth sharing.”

“You say that but I can see it in your eyes that it’s otherwise. Do you not trust me, Pips?” There was uncertainty in his amethyst eyes this time and it churned your stomach from guilt. You didn’t want him to feel like you were purposely hiding things. You were but things that only affected you.

“Caleb…” You said his name softly, torn but on the edge of giving in. It would feel nice to be honest about how alone you felt this weekend but you also didn’t know how to say it without coming off as overbearing. “I don’t want to be overbearing.”

Just confessing that alone helped the weight you had been carrying. A fraction of tension left your shoulders and relief almost encouraged you to continue on but his bewildered face stopped you. Your next words sat in the back of your throat and you stopped them from spilling.

“Where did you get that idea from?” His surprise turned into frustration. It made you pull back unconsciously because you just knew what was coming next.

“Forget I said anything. I’m sorry.” You patted his shoulders and tried to push yourself out of his lap but he had a grip on your hips and it planted you back down. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you just wanted to run. Escape. Flee. Anything but feel the wrath you expected to rain on you.

“Please, please forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you.” You were in defensive mode but you couldn’t look directly at him. Your eyes were beginning to sting and you regretted allowing yourself to be honest. You felt his finger hook under your chin and his hand directed you to face him. It was taking everything in you not to cry. You fucked up. You were honest. This is where being honest about your feelings gets you. But his eyes had softened and they were gazing at all of you. His anger had receded.

“No, Pips. You didn’t upset me. Whoever told you in life you were overbearing, upset me.” He gritted his teeth but still kept his gentle tone. “You could never be overbearing.”

The last phrase floated between the both of you and you felt your heart stop. Your eyes widened and you waited for the ‘but’ yet it never came.

“How can you be sure of that?” You asked anxiously. You wanted to consume his words and take them to the depth of your heart and hold them forever but you were scared. It was the opposite of everything you believed about yourself.

“Because I always leave wanting more. More than what you give sometimes and it makes me feel greedy, Pips, really greedy.” He exhaled abruptly as if it hurt to just admit, there was a familiar anxiety on his face now. “And I would take all of you. All that you were willing to give. Your fears, your pain, your joy, your dreams. All of it just to have you by myside.”

Your hands were gripping his shirt. An overwhelming warmth expanded in your chest and you remembered to exhale as well. Once you did you felt a steady warm trickle fall down your cheeks and it was being caught by Caleb’s soft fingers. He was staring at you as intensely as you felt.

“But what if it ends up being too much? What if my weight is too much of a burden?”

“Then bury me. Bury me in all of you. Let me decide what’s too much because Pips, I want to be crushed if it means you’ll be the one on top.” His confession touched a part of you, you had left forgotten. You pressed your lips against his, doing what he had just asked. Crushing him. Crushing him with all of you because if someone was willing to ask for all of you instead of shunning you, you would freely give him all.

His hands slid into your hair and held your face close. He wasn’t letting go like he promised, urging you to press further into him. You were so caught up in the moment you had forgotten about the tears that had fallen and for once you thought maybe you could truly believe him. You both parted with a string of saliva connected your lips and soft pants from the both of you.

“Caleb.” You said his name so sweetly.

“Yeah?”

“I am sor –” His finger pressed against your lips before you could finish your new apology. You frowned but he shook his head.

“No more apologies. Not unless they are necessary.”

“Fine.” You pouted but you nodded along. “Then can I ask why you didn’t respond to my texts over the weekend? I stopped because I thought..”

“Thought what?”

“Thought I was pestering you.” You admitted embarrassingly. He closed the space between you again to give you a soft peck on the lips then another on one cheek, then the other.

“No, you were not pestering me.” He kissed your forehead and wrapped his hands around your own, holding them tight. “In fact, I was worried when I saw them stop after Thursday. That’s why I asked about you having company. I thought perhaps someone else was distracting you.”

He looked away and you leaned in to embrace him. He was like you. He did need that validation and comfort. That need to consume attention and love.

chp 4 snippet

Eucalyptus and witch-hazel filled his nostrils the moment his lips pushed hungrily against hers. He knew she halfheartedly meant the things she said but that half was enough of an excuse to ignore them. The way she pressed herself further into him, allowing his hands to snake behind her. His fingers full of her plush green curls. He was a fool for thinking he could resist it.

Part One: Restructure

Chapter one: The New normal

“Noooooo!” Sophia shouted from the top her lungs as she witnessed the burst of debris fall in flames around her. The smoke plumed above her childhood home and blanketed the area in tandem with all the regrets that were held in her throat. 

Her heart pounded heavily in her ears, the thudding fluttering like a rabbit’s. The realization of what was just lost settled along the dark tunnel of her skewed her vision. In the distance a wailing started to draw closer that wasn’t her own, a mixture of familiar cries and the high pitch of an emergency vehicle. 

She woke up. 

The wailing remained from the nightmare as it settled uncomfortably on her stomach. It was an anxiety that had proven over and over again no time would relieve. Sophia saw a pair of teary amethysts hover over her expectantly, confirming that the wailing was not the only thing that was real. Sometimes when she woke, she could still smell the ashes in her nostrils.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” She cooed, her fingers combing the solid black waves of hair that draped around the rounded toddler’s face. Sophia saw that there was still an hour before they both had to be up to start their day but it turned out, Melody had other plans. 

“Thirsty.” A muffled cried responded after sniffles, snot, and tears were wiped on her lovingly. 

“Okay, okay, come on.” Sophia grasped the under arms of her small child and lifted her to her chest to calm her. The weight of Melody’s body was a comforting relief from everything that was just outside this room. Habitually Sophia combed her free hand in Melody’s hair to soothe her while she carried them both to the kitchen. The pads of her feet making soft thumps as the cool hardwood floors sent goosebumps up the skin of her legs. 

The kitchen appeared cluttered but the special kind that resembled their busy day to day. It was full of dirty and clean sippy cups strewn about, crumbs and half eaten foods from experimenting with a toddler’s tastebuds, and random objects filling the remaining spaces on the counters and dining table. 

Sophia still felt groggy but she was able to get through the mess with her eyes closed. She put Melody on the counter and handed her a half-eaten fruit grain bar while she quickly washed a cup. In the mornings she always gave her daughter milk with toddler formula to ensure she still obtained the proper nutrients with how picky of an eater the small child had become. It wasn’t hard to occupy a toddler with snack food however and it gave Sophia the extra minute she needed to also set up her own morning juice, the darkest roast possible. 

“Thirsty!” The high pitch voice demanded. Melody was starting to throw her hands and feet about and Sophia kept an eye on her in case she threw herself off the counter. 

“Almost done, patience kid.” Sophia assures as she whisks the powder into the milk at lighting speed. She starts to feel around the counter for the top she had clean and finally caves in to turn on the stove light. The brightness stings her eyes for a moment, forcing herself to wake up even more, but it aided in finding the lid that somehow ended up down the other end of the counter. Melody reaches out to grab the cup as Sophia tightens the lid and instead of scolding her, she lifted her off the counter and placed her on her feet on the floor. Without having to say a word Melody ran off with her cup, clearly satisfied with the results and giving Sophia the extra breathing room she needed to fully prepare for the day. 

Sophia’s green eyes lingered onto the calendar that hung on the refrigerator and the same pit feeling she woke up with returned in the silence. Melody’s birthday was only a month away and Sophia finally was returning to the Hunter’s Association as of today. She still needed the final okay from her doctor but judging by the past year’s health improvements Sophia did not see a reason why Dr. Zayne would not sign off. 

Her breath caught in the back of her throat when her mind returned to seeing those teary amethyst eyes. Those eyes she adored and felt forlorn to gaze upon some days. They are a lingering memory and regret wrapped neatly into a future with endless possibilities, none of them being the one her heart had desired the most. Sophia shook herself out of her mind and took another large sip of her black coffee. It sent a shiver down her spine and the chills from it helped awaken herself out of her dreary dreamlike state that hung around her head. 

“Melody!” Sophia called out curious where her daughter was in their small apartment. She didn’t have many choices but still the 2-foot-tall child could hide very well when she wanted. It didn’t take long till she heard thumping down the hall and saw the bright-eyed child smiling, proud of herself. 

“Do you want to watch cartoons while Mommy takes a shower?” Sophia asked even though she already knew the answer. She figured always asking before doing things was a great way to teach her daughter early lessons in consent and in communication. Melody nodded with excitement and ran out into their living room before Sophia could ask a follow up.  

“The kitty cat one?” She had the remote in her hand, coffee in the other, and was already queuing up the television. 

“MR. ALLEY CAT!” Melody sung with fervor as she clapped her hands and started the cartoon’s dance. 

Sophia glanced at the time that was in the corner of the television and figured she had forty-five minutes before Ms. Jefferson came downstairs to sit with Melody for the day. It was a perk for talking with the neighbors at the mailbox room in the lobby that she was able to find someone as sweet and eager as Ms. Jefferson. The elder woman was always more than willing, and it was hard for Sophia to get her to accept any cash. On top of that Ms. Jefferson had a habit of cooking them all dinner when a side gig held Sophia up longer than planned.

"The realization of what was just lost settled along the dark tunnel of her skewed vision."

"Those eyes she adored and felt forlorn to gaze upon some days."

"They are a lingering memory and regret wrapped neatly into a future with endless possibilities, none of them being the one her heart had desired the most."

"There was something cold about the way he did it, but Sophia knew it never helped their conversations for her to ever take anything personally. He was usually like this."

" “No?” Bright hazel eyes finally set their sights on her in inquiry. His hands had stilled and his face frozen into its normal half frown"

"She used her hand to try to calculate how much time the public transport would take, and her brows furrowed at how narrow the time frame for the eta and the meeting were. 'Shit.'"

this is my lads fic