Changes HAppen

Well I figured I might as well start this some how. Seemed so simple just trying to say what I feel. But then of course once I get started other things start piling up. I’m having problems, I can't sleep at night. And lately I've been having nightmares about my first boyfriend lets name him Matt.  Matt was my first everything. First best friend, First real crush, First boyfriend, First love... yeah the list goes on.  We broke up so long ago and it was a horrible horrible breakup. I literally went nuts and made everything between us even worse because I could not handle being alone. I didn't know how to be alone. I didn't have an identity. My identity was His girlfriend. His true love. practically soulmates. (well definitely not seeing as it was an unhealthy relationship).  But my problem is I’m in a new relationship the healthiest I’ve ever been in. Lets label this Current boyfriend as Jack. Jack is the sweetest, Most caring, and loving guy I could ever ask for. He has his issues just as I do. But the best part about him is that he sees a problem and he doesn't let it sit. Jack makes sure that when he sees something wrong going with our relationship that he lets me know. And I do the same to him. We Communicate, We work things out. Sound like an extremely healthy relationship right. So why is Matt being stuck in my head. That’s the Question of the night. At the moment I'm a 5 hour drive away Jack. and after 3 years of staying only a night at my parents brand new house I'm staying here for a month between semesters.  Now here is a piece of the Problem, a lot of my stuff from my first relationship is still around. I tell myself I'm over Matt. I push it in and in and in. So that if someone asks if it is a problem that they took out the mug that he gave me ,for valentines day during the second year of our relationship which came with a sock monkey that no longer exists. I say of course not I'm over him. JUST KIDDING it drives a knife into my heart every time I see those things. after three years of him not being in my life I still want to cry over him. Which is COMPLETELY IDIOTIC! I still have sex dreams of Matt. I even have dreams of Matt and Jack fighting over me! It feels completely wrong even though I know it is involuntary. The one thing I know for sure is that when I am with Jack all those worries go away the nightmares go away. The feelings go away and the best part of it all is I’m my better self when I am with him. I couldn't ask for anything more. But I do.... I feel as if on the inside I'm always asking more of him. When having sex I am always asking on the inside for him to be more aggressive. To be more romantic. I look at him and often wish he would gain more muscle so he can be more physically attractive.  Not that I have anything against skinny guys cause I don't. But it would be nice if Jack could put on a little weight so he can look healthier.  Now the Kicker is I have told Jack a lot of this. Even the part about my thoughts and dreams about Matt. Because we have a healthy relationship and we Communicate to one another.  But lately.... I’ve just been wishing that I could have a second chance with Matt. Because what we had was a little different. But then again. Matt and I were each others first everything. If I could have taken that all back to save it for Jack I would have. But because of that connection with Matt and because of everything that is a recurring reminder of that 3.5 year high school relationship... I feel as if part of me will always hold onto Matt. And I'm scared that because of that I will lose the one I truly love. I have never wanted something more in my life! But to take the next step in my relationship with Jack I need to be able to give myself completely to him. So the Question is How do I remove Matt?

My world has totally been flipped upside down just recently.

My roommate has always been a lazy piece of ass. But  I have dealt with it. Since i was mostly forced to live with him under the circumstances my last roommates placed me in. 

So lately his Girlfriend and his two kids have been living with us. and I have been dealing with it since they were plannign on living with each other when our lease runs up. But lately the place has been a disaster. and over time the kids constantly were getting into my room and all into my stuff. Which is a dangerous place for a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old. I brought this up to my roommate in whin=ch he stated kids will be kids and i am unable to do anything to et rid of them. Which i know is complete bull shit cause i can always get them and the girlfriend removed whenever i would like since  they are not on the lease. 

But again i woke up to the house being a disaster and the toilet clogged and no one felt liek warning me that this happened. So i changed the internet password which is under my name and moved all of my dishes and everything that i own into my room. so that they wouldnt have anyting to work with sicne they did not own any dishes or bots or anything .

later on in the day i got a phoen call form him stating that he is unsure why the internets not working and i replied. idk.

After that he flipped out. saying why did i change the password. and from there he threatened me and started to throw my dished and breaking them which he then took a picture and sent to me. Big mistake on his part.  from there i called the cops on him and now have to wait ot come home till the arrest warrant kicks in. or when i move my stuff out which having a police escort was reccommended.

This to a lot of people may seem like a common fake threat but. once any tyoe of threat is made and in my case dishes being broken Cops can come into the picture. so dont worry about how little the situation is. 

Married to you in a few years. 

having two beautiful blue eyed children.

who have the greatest smile you could ever make.

But for now i must focus on my own future.

The one i am to pursue without you. 

since you will be out of arms reach.

But only for a little while.

 and then soon enough our Future will match up.

And we can be together. 

Have the marriage i constantly dream about. 

But with you and only you.

And then we can be so happy.

me in your arms. 

This night was much more different. and i feel the need to share it. As a heads up almost 99% of this dream is fake including the young one.

I casually walked into my house like i always do. But when i unlocked the front door. All the females on my first boyfriends side were in the house. i asked why they were here they continued to ignore me. So i casually walked pasted them and saw three little boys playing around one was 6 years old. and the other 2 about 3 or 4.When i saw the Youngest my heart wrenched. He had these beautiful blue eyes that were mesmerizing. But i didn’t really know why.

Finally i open the door to my bedroom and My first ex is sitting on my bed playing games. i just looked at him annoyed and said “First you try to possibly be my friend and then we both possibly thought we had feelings which we figured out didn’t actually exist, and then you ignore me as if i did something completely wrong from asking you a question and then deleted me from everything for no real reason. Why are you here now.”

He then looked at me with this sad look. “ look I’m sorry but i just cant handle you in my life. But we need to talk.” 

At this point the past came rampaging through my head as I’m trying to figure out what this boy who broke my heart needed...... and then suddenly I remembered why the youngest look so familiar to me. He was mine. My whole body felt sick from remembering the pregnancy, the birth, and then letting that horrible family take him from me. Knowing i wouldn’t be able to take care of him. But also knowing now from time away from a mind controlling family that my little boy was not going to be raised properly.

All of the sudden i looked at my ex teary eyed “ I want custody of our son.”

My ex was confused. “ There is no possible way im going to let you take him from the custody of my sister. we both agreed that he should be with my family.” 

The mind control that was him slowly started to take over and i fought and fought. “ no he is my child! Your family cant even raise a Child correctly! If you didnt want to give him up. Why bring him back where i could remember him and remember your families control over me. and be able to fight Now that your control over me is gone. He is my child i will not have him growing up with such a childish selfish family!”

After that everything came back, the fake love, the control, being put down and being told i’m a child so i will never find love. and then the last thing that my ex told me after they took the child. “ i am the best boyfriend you will ever have, and you will never find another.” The youngest boy, my boy, Came into the room and said. “ mommy, daddy. why are you fighting.everyone is getting frightened in the other room and i just want to play.

At this point a raging storm came over me. I now knew why they had brought him over. They wanted to control me to say that we were not his parents. I could see now that those mesmerizing eyes could see through their lies and they needed a new way to control them. 

I turned around looked my ex in the eye. “ i will never let him believe i am not his mother. You have taken him away from almost 3 years now. this time he will stay with me and i will not do your bidding all because you will me to.” I picked up my little boy and tears started to crawl down my face. 

My ex slowly got up reaching for the child. to which i started to run. as fast as i could to get out of their ear shot. To make sure my child was to stay mine. Soon enough i lost them. and this beautiful blue eyes child was safe. as was i.