Me after two glasses of wine: WHOM wants to see me NAKED

“I bring word from the swamp prince, the old pacts shall be honored, muster your forces at first light…”

[plunges hand into water, pulls out a live lobster, and answers it like a phone]

Good god why is this cracking me up so much

By petting this cat you confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated to Anish Kapoor, you are not petting them on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor

imagine water didnt reflect shit n was clear always and you could look at the ocean from above and see literally every huge fucky looking thing that lives in it no matter how deep. you fly over the pacific once and never sleep again for the rest of your life. its really the little things that make this planet habitable huh

*kisses my man’s knuckles like he is the whole world* what’s up bro

how are you not going to give me pussy after I notorized your fishing license application

My favorite part of this is that you can just hear the defeat in this.

do you think we get to learn everything when we die or are the colors that exist between colors gonna be shrimp-only knowledge forever

whats the meaning of life? son, its those little tiny pumpkins. the ones that are mad small.  you know the ones i mean.