.....what

I just love the idea of Dracula thinking he’s outsmarted everyone by impersonating Jonathan. As if the locals are going to be fooled by the creepy-looking ghoul with the giant Fu Manchu mustache, wearing clothes clearly not made for him, who just crawled out a window and slithered down the side of a ravine, assuring everyone he is the recently kidnapped lawyer who is doing just peachy, thank you. Like this is WORSE than three kids on each other’s shoulders in a trench coat. If anything it’s like the Wayside School bunch of dead rats in a trench coat

today I found out my mother doesn’t know what dandelions are and now I’m wondering what other strange secrets she’s been quietly harboring

Where do you live that you don’t have dandelions?

we have dandelions EVERYWHERE, they are basically our State Weed, it is absolutely impossible that my mom has never interacted with a dandelion before, this requires further investigation

See, folks in the southern US will tell you up and down those are buttercups, actually.

Wait I thought those bigger cup ones were Easter Lillies???

They’re marigolds and I know a bitch when I see one!

….we need to start taking the phrase “go touch grass” more literally. go outside and examine a flower i beg u

They say to eat wholesomly, journal and engage in hobbies, but when I, Renfield...

my thrall told me it wanted to be more independent so i imprisoned its soul in a necklace. how's that for in de pendant you little shit

Actually when I say “fuck all billionaires” I particularly mean Taylor “having my wedding in the middle of the busiest city in the world on the busiest weekend in the world in the part of the city the majority of commuters need to get through because fuck working people” Swift

Someone on my town's local facebook chat is asking if anyone knows a good private local GP and we're all like "literally anyone who has time to slot you in is our 'good local GP'" and she's all like "nono they're not good enough, I need specialised care, the couple of local bulk billing places are too rushed, I need to know who the good local private clinics with lots of free time are" and we're all like. "You are not understanding us. This is a country town. If you can get a fifteen minute appointment in one of those 'bulk bulling places' then you are very lucky and need to jump on that opportunity immediately. The doctors you are seeking are all in the capital city six hours away."

My GP moved away very suddenly for a 'family emergency' about six months ago, claiming he would be back at Some Unspecified Time, and it's been a topic of ongoing gossip and speculation ever since. Everyone is obsessed with this guy and when he's coming back. Not because his life is at all interesting or even because he was a particularly great doctor (he was mostly fine I guess), but because he was one quarter of our local non-emergency healthcare system and some people are holding out a desperate hope that we might get that quarter back at some point.

Actually as far as I can tell all Victoria's brothels are in Melbourne, so most of your options on that front are six hours away too.

The doctor never came back btw