barrettine

Soooo,, I guess severe depression and an eating disorder don’t mix well ahaha

Okay so obviously my mind thinks:

When I was in 8th grade, I became severely depressed and developed an eating disorder. I hid it extremely well but looking back on it I should have been put in a hospital. I was already a healthy weight for my height, maybe had a little bit of baby fat on me, but then I lost another 50 pounds and became super underweight for my height. The saddest part is that it’s the sickest and most depressed I’ve ever been, yet I’ve never gotten sooo many compliments in my life. Suddenly girls wanted to be my best friend, and boys wanted me to be their girlfriend. This tweet reminded me of that today and I think other people should see it:

we're just suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids not to commit suicide

So I'm stuck feeling empty and suicidal thoughts are present. The enhance of my depression wants me dead without a question.

The truth is, I feel beyond sad. I feel empty. Numb.

I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.

Burying memories and feelings doesn’t drive them away. Pretending you never cared only plants them somewhere deep in your soul and they’ll grow until you find them ripping through you to gasp for air at 3am. It’ll be an endless cycle of stitching new patches onto yourself to fix the gaping holes until you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror and you see broken pieces of your former self lying on the ground.