oh to be dead at last and know all the stars 4ever

grandma dies, dad has a weird tumor and gets surgery, then dad discovers stage three colon cancer and gets chemo and surgery and is cancer-free, went on my honeymoon, had some family trips, a full year in my new job, best friends have a baby, tear a ligament in my foot, get my first case of covid, fell out of love with poetry/writing and am trying to woo her back to me.

feel disillusioned with the state of the world more so than in previous years. hope has whimpered down to a tiny speck of smoke in the coals. feel more isolated. always been part of a network of either nerds in a random forum or a cohort of instagram friends but slowly realizing how little that was reciprocated - meaning, i think i put more stock in my stable of internet pals more than they did. left instagram for now at least to try to clear my head of that. trying not to feel disconnected from the greater culture & community but it's hard. with no one left to impress i don't know who i am! thought i'd be more grounded and sure of myself in my Jesus Year but if anything i feel more confused and unsure than i ever did before.

want to feel something spiritually but it all feels like playing pretend rather than genuine divine connection. i'll let myself spin my wheels a bit more. maybe it's just winter blues and healing up from that aforementioned first covid bout.