He’ll be in the kitchen, making surprise pancakes like he did once for your birthday with a bouquet of flowers resting on the table. He always was someone who likes surprises. You could feel your heartbeat rise to your throat, anticipation and desperate hope filled you. Your heart dropped when you saw nothing more but the furniture, and your paintings peeping through from the window that led to the balcony. Another sigh. Maybe he went somewhere. He probably just went to the grocery shop to buy more food to fill the fridge. 

Or buy more liquor so he can lose himself like he does every night. 

Maybe he went to go buy you more paint.

Or went with his band that replaced you with ease.

He wouldn’t leave without telling you. He never did. No matter where he went, Jaehyun had always let you know where he’d go, and give you a kiss or text you a heartwarming message if he had already left. Maybe he did, and you were probably too focused on other things instead. You rush towards your bedroom where your phone lies on your nightstand, you turn it on, praying desperately for there to be a text, to see his contact glowing on your phone screen. 

Nothing. 

Your chest felt heavy. You couldn’t breathe without panting. Your lips curled in a tight line. You gulped down the knot in your throat, you looked around, unsure of what exactly you were even looking for. You raked your hands through your hair, and with a deep, relaxing breath, you pulled your hair up to a ponytail and walked towards the balcony where you already set up a blank canvas from the last time you finished your last painting. 

You sat down, trying to ease your troubled mind, you reached for your acrylic paints, spreading them on the piece of cardboard that rested on your lap. Without thinking twice, you dipped your freshly clean brush in a color you’d pay attention to later. And so you painted, not caring whatever color you got on your canvas, not caring whether it looked appealing or not. 

You painted, not because you wanted it to catch a seller’s eye, or because you were bored, you painted because you don’t know what else to do. You painted what you felt. You felt unsure, you felt doubt, rage, sorrow, desperation. You felt like you were drowning, no matter how much you screamed, no matter how violent each brush stroke became the more you added more and more paint, you wanted to be heard. You wanted clarity. 

You wanted the ones you loved, back. 

You wanted your freedom, because you knew that even if you move houses, or put your head out of the car to taste the fresh air, or kiss the lips that promised you that freedom, you would never get it. You just wanted to taste it all again, but now your lips tasted like nothing more but of bitter venom and alcohol. 

You continued to paint, trying to get a taste of that freedom again, but only liquor filled your thoughts. How the scent followed you everywhere, how that green glass bottle would never leave you alone. How it followed you no matter where you went; never with you, but the ones you love.

You were too focused on the violent brush strokes against the canvas to realize the amounts of green you poured onto the cardboard. The amounts of black that splotched every corner and empty space of that canvas, how it decorated your skin, much like the darkness that intertwined in you. 

It would never leave. 

This grief, sorrow, and pain. 

You wanted it to go away. 

You tried to run away from it all, you took Jaehyun’s hand, expecting to find adventure and beauty and love, hoping to find everything that he promised, but found an empty bed, and paint on your skin. You didn’t feel the tears that trickled down your cheek, crashing onto your piece of cardboard and into the paint, making your artwork look more like the mess you were feeling. You couldn’t hear the door open when your sobs whispered through your lips, the brushstrokes now stabbing into the canvas, you wanted to scream, you wanted to disappear. You just wanted to forget. You wanted all of your pain, gone.

Taeyong had put you in a tight embrace. Your paintbrush dropped for your fingertips, crashing into the solid concrete of the floor, rolling towards who-knows-where. Your chest tightened, and the tears you became tired of couldn’t stop falling. 

“It’s okay! You’re okay! Please, breathe…” Taeyong’s breath was shaky, his hold he had on you trembling. You could feel his heartbeat pressing against your back. He buried his nose in the crook of your neck, his eyes shut tight. Everything stood still, and when you felt his breath whisper against your skin that ran cold, you realized you had been holding your breath up until now. The air had never felt so refreshing in his embrace. You brought a hand to hold his, your grip tighter than what you anticipated, you noticed that you began to tremble as well.

“Taeyong… What are you doing here?” You mumbled within sobs. Your head hung low, ashamed to look at him. He shook his head, refusing to talk until your cries subsided. It fell silent, you took a deep breath and wiped away your tears.

“Johnny texted me to tell you that he couldn’t come over, but he wanted me to tell you something about your art.” He sighed, pulling away to look at your face, grabbing your wrists to pull them away as you had your face buried in your hands.

“He wanted me to tell you that he found someone who owns an art gallery, and that they really want your artwork to be displayed there, along with buying some of your pieces for a good price. Your dream is coming true..” His voice was gentle and patient. A smile tugged the corner of his lips, Taeyong let out a breathy laugh. You didn’t want to believe your ears, your heart raced, and suddenly everything you were thinking of in the past had immediately come to a blank. You were processing everything that had just happened in the span of a couple of seconds, and once it had finally hit, once those words echoed in your ears, your tears came back again.

“Someone actually wants my artwork in an art gallery? Holy shit… holy shit!” You couldn’t believe it, it all felt like a surreal dream. One moment you were crying, stained in green and black paint, staring at the bristles now destroyed with your violent strokes onto the canvas that had a couple of scratches here and there. You didn’t hesitate another second as you pulled Taeyong into a tight embrace, laughter echoing in the balcony, you heard him grunt a little in surprise before his laughter mixed with yours, hugging you just as tight.

“W-Wait so when is it?” You pulled away to ask, a wide, dorkish smile etched onto your lips. Taeyong looked into the distance in thought, his brows furrowing.

“This Saturday. I’ll text you their contact information so you can confirm and plan everything out!”

“W-Will you come?” You asked, mostly out of pure excitement, but you saw the adoration that burned in his eyes.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He said as he grabbed a strand of your hair and tucked it behind your ear. You dismissed the action, and pulled him into another hug, tears now filled with joy that wouldn’t stop falling. 

“Thank you so much… thank you, thank you.” You repeated, and the weight that pushed down on your chest had seemed to have gone away. 

But only for that very short moment. 

“Hey, um… we need to talk—” Jaehyun’s voice resonated throughout the apartment walls, his hand that scratched the back of his neck fell to his side, his gaze locked on you and Taeyong. 

You knew what pain looked like. It was in your paintings, in the liquor that stained the breath of your father, and when you turned to Jaehyun, you found pain in his eyes. 

“What the hell…” He whispered. His jaw tightened, everything had been moving too fast. Taeyong got up from where he knelt down in front of you, his hands up in defense, Jaehyun was walking towards the two of you in silence. You stood up from your seat, you found yourself between the two; Jaehyun gripped tight onto the collar of Taeyong’s shirt, pulling him inside the apartment and slammed him into the wall right next to the balcony door. 

“You have five seconds to explain why the fuck you were holding her like that before I beat the absolute shit out of you.” His voice was low, something dark and sinister laced his sentence. Your heart dropped. Rushing towards the two, you shook your head, opening your mouth to talk—but nothing. Instead, you placed a hand on Jaehyun’s arm that held Taeyong, shaking him to bring him back into reality. 

“Jaehyun, stop…” You wanted to scream at him. You wanted to yell, but your voice had come out so tiny when you spoke. You’ve never felt so small until now, when he looked at you and you remembered back to the first night he had gotten drunk. That empty, dullness that filled his once beautiful eyes. Your breathing turned heavy, your eyes still glossed in tears. His face softened when he noticed the puffiness in your eyes.  Though it returned once more when he glared over at Taeyong.

“You made her cry? What the fuck is your problem!” His voice roared through the apartment. You turned to look at Taeyong, whose face remained neutral until he said those very words. The same anger, the same deadly spark flashed through his eyes. His brows wrinkled in frustration, a dry laugh seeping through his lips, you watched his Adam's apple bop, holding onto Jaehyun’s wrist. 

“I made her cry? No, none of this is my fault. She’s crying because of you! I was here to comfort her, when you clearly failed to do so because you’re that much of a piece of absolute shi—!” Taeyong’s shouting was cut off by the loud crack that resonated through your ears. You watched him fall to the ground with a grunt, a hand cupping his mouth, he slowly moved to see the blood that littered his palm.

“Fuck you…” Jaehyun whispered. You shook your head, the tears threatening to come back again when he lunged at Taeyong. The two didn’t stop. They punched, slapped, and kicked each other. Cursing at each other; it tore your heart into pieces. Your feet felt rooted to the floor, your stomach twisting in knots, your mouth that ran dry. Your tears felt never ending, and time felt still. Each blow they took, each punch they threw, you could feel your heart pounding violently against your ribs. 

“Stop it…” You whispered, shutting your eyes so you wouldn’t have to see anymore. You shut them tight until you saw stars. Their shouts still filled the room.

“Stop it.” You whimpered, your jaw clenched, your hands balled into tight fists until you could feel your nails digging deep into your skin, the warmth of your blood being your only reminder of the reality of everything that was happening. 

They didn’t stop. Jaehyun’s screams had overpowered Taeyong’s. His cursing turned to incoherent screaming. Pure anger roared, his throat raw; when you opened your eyes, you watched him tremble as he threw Taeyong down, punching him over, over, and over. It was when you saw Taeyong’s doe eyes become dull, and the blood seeping through his nose and lips, when you looked down at your bleeding palms, you had enough.

“STOP IT!” You threw yourself over to Jaehyun, grabbing his arm that he lifted, his knuckles already blooming bruises, you shouted over and over until saliva dripped from the corner of your lips. He didn’t stop. He wasn’t going to. You turned to meet his eyes, and saw that the man you loved, wasn’t even there. Instead, you saw nothing more, but a monster. 

A loud thud, and then silence. Your palms slammed against the tile floor, bracing yourself when Jaehyun flung you down. You barely managed to dodge the impact, your head touching the cool floor. Your breath shaky and deep, you stared at the blurred reflection of yourself, then turned to look at your hands, moving around the tile to see the red that smeared against it. 

“I-I…” Jaehyun started, removing himself from Taeyong. Both of them had their eyes glued to you, as if everything that just happened had meant nothing when it had come to seeing you injured.

“Are you okay?” Taeyong asked, sitting up with a pain-filled groan, he reached towards you until Jaehyun pushed his chest.

“You don’t have a right to ask if she’s okay, look what you fucking did.” 

“I’m not the one who pushed her, you asshole! Sorry I actually care for her!” 

“You talk like you’re so madly in love with her!” 

“So what if I am?” 

“You just don’t know when to fucking quit you—”

“Enough!” It took your shouts to finally shut them up. They turned to look at you, your name whispering from their lips like a gentle song. The pity that filled their eyes. The guilt that filled Jaehyun’s. You pushed yourself off the floor, standing up with your chin held high, desperately holding onto the crumbling dignity you had left. They followed after you. Taeyong’s nose was bloody, and Jaehyun’s lip was split. The bruises were already forming on the two of them, you looked the other way so you wouldn’t have to deal with the sight before you.

“What the hell is wrong with you two?” You started, voice laced in darkness, sorrow, and pity. You wiped away the tears with a shaky hand, your blood smudging against your cheek. “You two used to be best friends… and now look at you! You’re fighting! And all for what? Me?” Your voice crescendoed into a shout. They averted their eyes away from you like two children who were being scolded. But you knew it was much deeper than that.

“I don’t have to explain anything to the two of you. I want you out… Get out of here.” You curled your lips in a line, you couldn’t stop shaking. You shut your eyes, wondering when the hell were your tears that you were so sick of would stop. Jaehyun whispered your name, as did Taeyong. Jaehyun had reached a hand towards you, and you flinched when he did. He frowned, reverting his hand away, you watched guilt gloss over his eyes you once found beautiful and sincere.

Taeyong had called your name once more, and just hearing it alone set your heart to ache, unprepared for what he had the strength to say. “Please, you’re making a mistake… just pick me. I-I was a coward to let go of you then, but I won’t let go of you now.” He was desperate. You knew, as you could hear it with each syllable that rolled off his tongue. Jaehyun watched, and the anger that rose all over again.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me…” He whispered your name, reaching towards you again, he managed to get a hold of your hand. The gentleness he held with his hold, it was like the old Jaehyun was looking at you again. You were ashamed to admit that if it weren’t for the bruises that bloomed on his knuckles and face, and Taeyong standing right next to him, you knew you’d pick him in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, no matter how much you wish that could happen, you faced the truth that appeared to you now.

“I’m sorry…” That was all that Jaehyun could say. You knew that even he didn’t know what he was apologizing for. Maybe he was only sorry for when something affected you physically, and you remember back to the painting, to the splotches of black and green of the paint that dried on your skin; Jaehyun had not noticed, not even once, that you were hurting deeper inside. You couldn’t believe it. They were making you choose. 

“No. No, I can’t believe you guys. You can’t expect me to choose… because if you do, then I choose neither.” Silence again, they looked at you with pleading eyes, and that was enough for you to say with a trembling voice, “I don’t want to talk to either of you. I want you out. Go! Get out!” Your voice cracked as you shouted. They flinched at your sudden change of tone, the pain that mixed in the sorrow of your sentence. Taeyong was the first to leave. 

Your breathing hitched, your vision blurred with tears. Jaehyun looked at you, his brows furrowed in sorrow, he opened his mouth, whispering your name with a broken heart. You held up your hand between the two of you to stop him from going on further.

“Don’t,” Your voice lulled back into a whisper, “just go.” You crossed your arms over your chest, hugging yourself tight when you heard him sigh in defeat. 

“I’m sorry.” He muttered. You couldn’t stand the sight of seeing him walk away, so you faced the other way, listening to his footsteps, you cupped your hand against your mouth to muffle your sobs when he passed by your shoulder, and the door shut. 

That night, you couldn’t fall asleep. You decided to stay at Johnny’s, sending a text to Jaehyun that he can have the apartment until you were ready to face him again. Johnny showed you your room, and stayed with you that night, listening to you when you poured your heart out. You told him about the darkness that followed you, about Jaehyun’s drinking, and Taeyong’s confession; how you almost kissed him, the fight, and the depression that never left you since you were a child. It felt like you had fallen into a dark pit. Something you couldn’t get out of, no matter how hard you tried, or how desperate you were to find light in the end of the tunnel. Johnny could only listen with a heavy heart, he frowned.

“So what are you going to do?” He asked, pulling you into a side hug. You sighed, shaking your head, your lip quivered. You just wanted it all to stop.

“I don’t know. I can’t even look at Jaehyun, and Taeyong—I don’t know.” It was all you could say, and all you could do. Each time you thought of either one, your mind was drawn to a blank. You were too ashamed and guilty to look at Taeyong, and too enraged to look at Jaehyun. You didn’t have the courage to confront either one of them. You looked down to your palms, studying the tiny crescent shapes that dug into your skin from your nails. 

“What about the art gallery? Have you sent a message to the owner?” You had almost forgotten about that. Your back straightened, you wiped away your tear stained cheeks, and with a deep exhale, you looked over at Johnny and nodded.

“I’m still doing it.” You said with a strong nod. You couldn’t back down from an opportunity like this. Finally, your art was going to be shown, your voice would be heard, and despite the art you held dearest now being your only fondest memories of a man you onced loved, you couldn’t wait to show the world the story that had once been of you and Jaehyun. Johnny smiled, he pulled you for a full embrace, rubbing your back reassuringly. 

“That’s my girl.” He muttered, and your brows raised. A smile. You held tight onto his shirt, burying your face in his chest, you could finally breathe. You finally felt at peace. 

“Johnny, I can’t thank you enough… for everything. I’m sorry I pulled you into this mess, but you’ve always been there for me. You’re an amazing friend… I love you.” You whispered, sniffling.

“I love you too booger. There isn’t a single thing in the world that I wouldn’t do for you.” He let out a breathless laugh, holding you tight. Johnny had never left your side. Despite your unloving mother, your father who gave up everything for liquor, to the love of your life now succumbing to the same fate. Johnny has never left, and he’s never changed. Maybe there was some light, and maybe there was an exit to this void. 

Ten knocked on the door, leaning against the doorway, he crossed his arms over his chest. “You guys are too mushy for me. C’mon, I made some popcorn for the movie night.” Johnny turned, smiling instantly as he let go of you to run towards his husband’s side. He pressed a kiss against his cheek, where Ten chuckled, pushing him away. 

“That doesn’t mean for you to get mushy with me you freak, let’s go.” He snickered, rolling his eyes and looked towards you. Your lips curled to a smile, and his expression reflected yours. 

“We’ll be downstairs. Take your time, okay?” Ten nodded his head towards you, as if to tell you, ‘Everything is going to be okay.’ Surely at this moment, you appreciated the reassurance, even though you knew that things weren’t okay. You’d like to believe that they would be. After having a moment of silence to yourself, you took a deep breath, recollecting yourself, and with your chin held up high, you mustered up enough courage and strength in you as you got up, and walked down the stairs. That night was the most you had ever been at peace in what felt like forever. 

The week dragged on. Each day felt endless, each minute had felt like an hour. You were counting down the days of your gallery walk. You contacted the owner who was also the buyer, and he managed to explain everything down for you. It was to be a formal event, so you had to dress your best, and only one person could accompany you to the party that was to happen after. 

Well, it was more of a small social gathering than a party. Either way, Johnny had convinced you to go since he believed it’d be another great opportunity to get your name out there. 

Originally, when Taeyong had first told you about the show, you were excited to take him; it wasn’t until the fight where you didn’t want anything to do with him after. It felt like weeks since it happened, though it was only five days ago. 

You never wanted your Friday night to be spent in Johnny and Ten’s house, lying down on the guest bed late at night where you couldn’t fall asleep. They offered to keep you company, but you kindly refused. Nonetheless, with Johnny being the stubborn best friend you knew and loved, he said he’d stay up in the living room watching movies with your favorite snacks in case you ever changed your mind. 

You laid in bed, bags decorating underneath your eyes, you listened to the silence that echoed in your room. The silence that never went away. The silence that accompanied you, and never left unlike everyone else in your life. Much like the darkness that followed after the silence, it clung onto you with a heavy weight. Each breath felt short, your chest tight, it was hard to breathe. You gripped tight onto the silk sheets before you, rubbing your cheek against the softness of your pillow, memories of Jaehyun flashed through your mind. 

The night in the car. The day he sang to you. The moment he opened his heart and told you of his dreams. The decision he made when he chose the liquor, over you. 

You didn’t realize the tears that crashed beneath the sheets, a puddle forming below. You shuddered in sorrow. When was this going to stop? When would the tears come to an end? You didn’t know anything anymore. You didn’t know about your future. You didn’t know where life was going to take you next, be it if there were ever to be light found in this deep, endless tunnel, or if an empty void followed after. 

You brought your knees up to your chest as you laid there, hugging yourself tightly, you never realized how much you had missed Jaehyun’s warmth until now. 

A part of you wanted to reach for your phone and text him, talk it out, and try to reach an understanding—but each time you were reaching towards it, you could only see Taeyong’s blood and Jaehyun’s bruised knuckles. 

That’s what made everything worse. 

You still loved him, nothing was going to change that fact. You loved Jaehyun, but it was because of his actions, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him in the eye. You were angry at him, but more so, you were ashamed of yourself. 

You knew what was happening, you knew what you were doing, yet you didn’t stop. 

Couldn’t stop. 

From the moment Taeyong had almost kissed you, confessed everything to you, things weren’t the same. And you hated that.

“Hey.” Johnny had called your name gently, knocking on the door with delicate strength, enough so that you barely heard it. You wiped away your tears so he wouldn’t see you and question if you were alright for the umpteenth time. 

You sat up, rubbing your eyes as if you were asleep, though you knew you’d fail at trying to fool Johnny. You were expecting him to bombard you with questions, to walk up to you and ask if you were feeling. Instead, he sighed and curled his lips to a line before nudging his head towards the hallway.

“Someone wants to talk to you.” He said. Your heart dropped, and the only person you could think of at that moment was Jaehyun. 

“I don’t want to see him.” You shut your eyes; your head hung low as you fumbled with your fingers until you looked back up to see Johnny shake his head.

“It’s not Jaehyun. C’mon, he’s waiting for you in the front yard.” Johnny smiled shortly, looking out towards the hallway where Ten walked, pulling Johnny to a side hug, he looked at you and nodded.

“Maybe it’ll be some reassurance.” Ten said, and Johnny nodded his head in agreement. You eyed them both carefully, confused as you got up on your feet and walked past them with furrowed brows. You gulped, adjusting the silk robe that Ten had lent you, deciding it best not to let whoever was at the door see you in your tank top. 

Johnny called out your name. You hummed, turning around as he looked at you with a dark glare in his eye. “We’ll be in the living room. If he says something that you don’t like, just call me and I’ll kick him out in a heartbeat.” You knew what he was saying was serious. The sinister, intimidating glint that glimmered in his eyes, you still laughed and nodded.

“Don’t worry John. I’m still a tough nut.” You reassured, bringing your arm up to flex. He laughed and nodded.

“I know you are.” He grinned. You smiled, giving him a quick thumbs up, you took a long, deep exhale as you opened the door to the front yard, and much to your surprise, you weren’t expecting to see Doyoung. 

“Hey… how did you know I was here?” You asked when he turned around, his arms crossed over his chest. He raised his brows, his mouth agape before letting out a breathless laugh, scratching the back of his neck in thought.

“Well, Jaehyun kind of filled me in on what happened between you guys, so I figured to come over and clear some things up.” He shrugged his shoulders, hands falling to his sides as he patted his palms against his pants. You watched, only feeling more confused at this point. You nodded your head, but remained silent. You stepped closer towards him, as he decided best to stay a couple of feet away from the house.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I didn’t exactly like you in the beginning. I didn’t know much about you, and to be frank, you seemed fairly comfortable with Taeyong, more than you were with Jaehyun.” He explained, his face hard to read, but you saw something foreign burn in his eyes.

“Excuse me?” You sniggered, at a loss for words. Doyoung’s sweet smile that he flashed at you when you first saw him was long gone. He took a large step towards you with a menacing glare.

“You wanna know why Jaehyun doesn’t bother going home after the gigs? Because he finally sees this as a good opportunity, and wants to get along with the band and meet some fans. And clearly, you’ve been having a problem with that.” He spat the sentence out as if the words itself were filled with venom. You blinked, once, twice. You didn’t know what to say.

“He told me what happened with you and Taeyong. The kiss, the fight—everything, and it’s clear that he doesn’t need someone as horrible and two-faced as you.”

You shook your head, taking a deep breath to control the raging anger that bubbled in the pit of your stomach. Your hands curled into tight fists, your nails finding solace in the familiar crescent shapes that marked your palms. 

“Is that all you came here for? To tell me how much of a horrible person I am?” Your lip quivered, jaw clenching, you held in every urge in you not to yell at him, to tell him everything that you’ve been feeling, and suddenly you’re the one being called selfish.

“I came here as his friend, and I’m doing this for his own good. You’re no good for Jaehyun, and it’s best that you stay away and never show your face to him anymore. You’ll be doing everyone a favor.” He walked away towards his car, opening the back door, he held a cardboard box in his hands before dropping it in front of your feet.

“I also came to drop this off. It’s clear enough that he’s too heartbroken to see you in his apartment anymore—and if this doesn’t make it official, then I don’t know what will.” 

You looked down to the box, kneeling as you took out the acrylic paints, the tiny piece of cardboard that was covered in greens and blacks. Your fingers lingered on each item, until you saw a canvas turned the other way. With a trembling hand, you reached towards it, turning it around, you saw it was the painting of Jaehyun’s face. Your first painting that made you realize that this was your true passion. 

“Have a nice life, because Jaehyun will now—without you.” Your head snapped up to look over at Doyoung. You reached out a hand towards him, but his back was already facing you as he walked into his car with a grimace, and drove off into the streets. 

You sighed, sitting down on the gravel, your fingers traced the shapes on the canvas. Caressing the painted skin of Jaehyun’s face, you curled your lips to a line. Your vision had become blurred with tears, you shut your eyes before they could even crash, and held the painting close to your chest, sitting there that night, you whimpered to think that maybe things were over with the two of you. And nothing pained you more than that fatal truth. 

Johnny watched you with a pained, sorrowful glance. He sighed as he looked down at your phone in which he held onto, pressing it against his ear as he listened to the voicemail. 

“Baby… please. I’m so sorry. I fucked up, I was selfish—please just give me another chance. I’ll quit the band, I’ll stop drinking. Whatever gives me you, I’ll do it. Please… please just call me back.” 

Johnny frowned as you looked through each trinket in the box outside. A sigh breathed through his lips, he turned to look at Ten who was standing in the hallway, patiently waiting for his husband to return to bed with him. 

You weren’t sure how much time had passed, that was something you never really focused on when you painted. You looked through the glass sliding door every now and then to check if Jaehyun had woken up yet, but each time you were greeted with the same empty hallway. The emptiness that fills your apartment felt eerily similar to the home you wanted so desperately to escape from. You had only hoped that this wouldn’t give a chance for history to repeat itself. Not anymore—not while you were still new to the taste of the free air that the birds get to taste everyday. 

You escaped from everything when you painted; that was when you tasted freedom the most. You felt it with the wind that danced in your hair when you finally left the house that tied you down, tasted it in Jaehyun’s lips that milk and honey could never taste like, looked at it in the sunlight that stained your skin in gold. You never knew something like this could feel so good, without having a single worry in the world, with your body pressed against Jaehyun who’d stroke your back with his fingertips that’d set goosebumps to rise onto your skin. You wanted to believe that the two of you would create a world of your own, a world in which it would be the two of you against the world. You hadn’t realized how much of that was nothing more, but a hopeless dream for a hopeless person like yourself. 

Then you remembered yesterday. The bar in which you saw Taeyong with that sweet smile of his, watching Jaehyun from the stage, you knew he felt something you never could. No matter how liberating you thought you felt, no matter the air that blew against your skin, the candied taste of Jaehyun’s lips, no matter the endless sunsets and sunrises you’d see—none of it mattered, because it was Jaehyun who tasted true freedom. Who saw the world not for what it is, but what it could be. You envied that. Maybe that was what Taeyong had meant when he said he was envious of you. That very freedom that you’d dance in, only to see what it truly looked like as it burned in Jaehyun’s eyes, and to see yourself still chained to your past, your insecurities, everything. 

“Good morning beautiful.” Just like that, as easy as it was for the thoughts to come in, they left immediately at the sound of his husky voice that whispered through your ears. The voice you grew to love, and the voice that’d set you at ease, far better than the birds who sang their annoying tunes, you turned around to see a shirtless Jaehyun leaning against the open glass door.

“I’m pretty sure you had a shirt on before you went to bed.” You joked, pushing away every dark thought that ate at you, and shushing every insecurity that whispered in your ear. 

“You put the shirt on for me, and I took it off when it got too hot at night.” He laughed, walking behind you, he pressed a soft kiss against the crook of your neck. You hummed as he continued, inching up until you turned your head in which he reached for your lips. 

You grimaced, “You still reek of alcohol.” 

“I’ll brush my teeth, just one more.” Jaehyun pressed his lips against yours one more time, he laughed, and that’s when the smell got stronger. You pushed him away before he could steal a couple more in (as per usual), you looked down at your lap that had blotches of paint splattered onto it. 

“You really smell.” You said, and giggled, though deep inside, you knew the smell did more than just bother you. Still, you didn’t want him to see that, so when Jaehyun laughed, you did too. 

“And you’re really dirty. Let’s shower?” He offered, looking at you, wiggling his eyebrows, you rolled your eyes and hit his shoulder. It was tempting, but when you looked into his eyes, you searched deep inside, unsure of what you wanted to see, you couldn’t help but remember that glare he gave last night. Your laugh died, your smile faltered, you turned away from Jaehyun. Silence. That was all that could follow, and that was all you could do as you took the time to recollect your thoughts. Take too long, and he’ll know that something is wrong. 

You forced yourself to smile as you said, “You go. I still need to finish this and maybe cook some breakfast if you’re not out by then.” You stared at your painting, knowing all too well that you could feel Jaehyun stare you down. 

He grinned, “And if I’m not done by then?” He asked, teasing you like he normally would. You shut your eyes, turning around as they fluttered open to meet Jaheyun’s playful expression. You laughed, rolling your eyes, you pushed him inside the apartment.

“Then you’ll just get a plate of cold eggs and bacon.” You groaned as you continued to push against his bare chest, feeling the vibrations of his laugh, you turned him around before he could respond. 

As you pushed him closer to the bathroom, Jaehyun continued to roar in laughter, repeating, “Okay, okay, I’ll shower!” Until he was finally standing in the doorway, looking down at you with a soft glance. Your eyes lingered elsewhere, staring at your bare feet and shorts, you heard him sigh before kissing your forehead gently. 

When he did, you were waiting for him to ask what was wrong, already coming up with excuses in your head as you normally did when you didn’t feel like telling him the truth until later. You were taken aback at the sound of the door closing before you. Your eyes widened, your heart dropping to your stomach; you didn’t know why, but the single action alone made you upset. Your lips curled to a line, raising a hand to knock on the door, your mind continuing to roam around the excuses, but the longer you stood there, waiting to knock, nothing would come out of your lips. Instead, your hand dropped to your side, turning around, you walked back to the balcony and stared at the finished painting. 

Why didn’t you want to shower with Jaehyun? You still remember the first time you ever did. You could still hear the laughter that echoed around the bathroom when you did, the beads of water that splashed around from the tips of Jaehyun’s hair as he shook his head after trying to dry it. Things were changing—that much you were sure of—each time you thought about it, you could only see the sorrow in Taeyong’s eyes, and hear Jaehyun sing his songs as he stands on the stage. You stared blankly at your painting, looking at the splotches of blues, whites, and some orange just for contrast. You didn’t know what you painted, from where you stood, it looked like a mess. You stepped back, and for a split moment, you saw the blacks that you added to it, and saw that you drew the street that you grew up in, the sky blue, and splotches of white—the snow that sprinkled over the two silhouettes that pressed their lips to each other with the street light looming over their heads.

It was you and Jaehyun.

How long has it been since that night? When you decided that it was time to push your fears aside, to find the courage to love. To be with him. 

Jaehyun.

 Things really did change up from that moment. You weren’t the same girl who was terrified to love, or be loved in return. So why did it feel like it, everytime you looked in the mirror? You wanted to believe that things are different, and maybe your fears aren’t really gone, but changed. You thought back to last night, the fire that ignited in Jaehyun’s eyes as he sang, the disgusting smirk on Doyoung’s lips, the story Taeyong had told you of his dreams. The stories Jaehyun told you of his. You wanted to think that Jaehyun knew what he’s doing. You hoped that even though his dream isn’t fully complete, he’ll continue to work on it. Something was different, but you didn’t want to know if it was good or bad. For now, you stared at the painting that held a memory so close and dear to you. You didn’t want anything to change, you didn’t want your fears to rise up again, after everything you worked for. You knew it was wrong of you to do it, but you pushed all of that away, pushed away the unsettling feeling that bubbled in your stomach when Jaehyun closed the door, the pounding of your heart at the smell of alcohol that littered his lips. Change isn’t what you wanted, so you were going to ignore it, and pretend that it wasn’t happening, and that it won’t happen. This is what you want, you’re happy, and you’re free. 

So why don’t you feel like it? 

The night of Jaehyun’s first performance with NCT was only the beginning. Yuta managed to find them more gigs at more bars, each one becoming bigger and more well-known than the other. Doyoung was right, soon the entire name of NCT had begun to spread like wildfire. Soon, gigs at bars changed to gigs at events like festivals, fairs, charities, etc. Each time there was a gig, you always went, as did Taeyong. 

Johnny would tag along every now and then, but he was too focused on his married life, and Ten had become the center of his universe. You were happy for him, he’s your best friend of course, but each time you went into a bar to watch Jaehyun get hammered with his band mates, you’d sometimes wish Johnny would be there with you so you wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable. You just considered it lucky that Jaehyun’s gigs weren’t always close to the other. Still, going home with the smell of alcohol staining his clothes made you anxious. 

Taeyong kept company though, since he stayed true to his job as the “mother” of the group. Every night after a gig, he’d always drive you and Jaehyun home. You sat in the front, catching up with him as Jaehyun snored in the back. When you’d bring him upstairs, sometimes you’d forget to dress him in pajamas, and leave him sleeping on your bed in his clothes and shoes. Each morning you weren’t greeted with his freckled face that’d stare at you with loving eyes. Instead, you woke up to his bloodshot eyes, groaning with liquor staining his breath about his endless hangover. He’d stay in bed while you’d get up to get your day started. This had become the norm, and with each day that went by like this, the more Jaehyun had seemed like a different person entirely, far from the shy, loving, and caring boy whom you fell in love with long ago. Sometimes, when the gigs were too far from your home for comfort, you’d stay home. Jaehyun would try to convince you to go, as did Taeyong, but you continued to refuse. 

It was when the house was silent, when you felt the most at peace. Though it was silence that made you scared and anxious whenever it creeped onto you, you found it more peaceful when you were alone, with no one there by your side to make you fear that silence. You spent the majority of your hours outside on the balcony, painting memories that felt like they happened years ago. You painted everything from the cheap, navy blue mustang Jaehyun owned where you’d drive off into the night with Radiohead playing in the background, where two souls danced together, and you had become closer to him. The stars that filled the night sky that night, the city lights that glowed from afar. What you’d give to have a night like that again. Where Jaehyun would touch your skin and it’d feel like fire. Wonderful, strong, and euphoric fire. How he knew your body better than you did, reading it over and over like beautiful poetry. How he’d press a kiss onto your bare skin, each one leaving a new butterfly to roam in your stomach. His voice that whispered into your ear, sending chills down your spine, and how his body glowed beautifully in the moonlight sky. What you’d give to have him do it all over again. If only you knew back then, what you knew now. Nonetheless, you didn’t regret that night. When you finished painting, you stared at your piece of art in pride, signing it in white paint in the corner of the dark blue sky, you smiled. 

“I guess you can say he inspired me.” 

An idea ignited in your head, remembering what you told Taeyong that night. Your smile grew, you got up from your seat on the balcony, dashing inside to reach for your phone, you pressed onto Johnny’s contact, texting him to come over now and tossed your phone aside once you hit ‘send.’ You ran towards the bathroom, washing off all the paint and sweat off of you, you changed into shorts and a baseball tee, sliding on your shoes, you grabbed all the paintings you left on the balcony. You reached for the painting of the snowy sky, to the mustang on the cliff, parked far from the city. Your heart raced in anticipation, you rushed towards your room, opening the closet door, standing on your tiptoes, you reached for the cardboard box labeled with your name, taking it down, you opened it right away to find all the paintings you thought weren’t good enough, or paintings you were once proud of, but hid because you believed no one would ever want to buy them. You roamed through each painting, and it was when you saw a certain painting that made your excitement dim down. You saw the smile, the wrinkles in his eyes when he did, each brush stroke that gently caressed the canvas, still visible in his skin. You can still feel the heartbreak that filled the canvas. Slowly, you reached for the painting, your heart still pounding, you felt tears pool your eyes when you looked at it. 

It was Jaehyun. 

You painted Jaehyun. It had been so long since you did, but you still remember every detail of that night. The fear and ache that held tight onto your heart, the tears that pricked the corner of your eyes with each stroke of the brush. The memories of his laughter, his smile, and his voice that echoed in your ears, you became lost in the painting that day. It’d been years since you painted, since you’ve ever felt inspired to paint. You always thought it was going to be nothing more but a habit, yet when you met Jaehyun, that was when you realized that not everything is what you thought it’d be. He made you believe that there was good in the world, that love wasn’t selfish or cruel, and that dreams are meant to be chased, so that when you wake up, you’ll be proud of who you saw in the mirror. He inspired you. He was your muse, and you were his. 

What changed?

 Each gig you went to, that song he sang in his first gig now became something that was thrown in there every now and then. When he came home, the only time he’d talk to you was to tell you when he had another gig, where it was going to be, and if you were going to come. Other than that, conversations became rare. He’d joke around every now and then, laugh and smile, kiss you gently and tell you how much he loves you, making you think that everything was okay, that nothing was changing, but you knew that you couldn’t lie to yourself. You’d look into those eyes that you’d stare at lovingly, those eyes that’d look at you and only you, now looking at everyone else. 

You frowned as you set the painting down inside the box where it stayed alone, as you took the other paintings and set them down on your bed. You couldn’t find it in you to ever sell that one, since it had been your only reminder of why you decided to continue painting, despite years of convincing yourself that it would never be useful, that your passions might as well die as soon as they’d come, it was a reminder of why you started this. For him, and most importantly, for you. A knock on the door bought your attention, you walked towards it, already expected to meet Johnny’s towering figure with his hands buried in his pockets, and a dorkish grin on his face. 

“Hey booger.” He teased, calling you that special nickname you oh-so hated since you were kids. You rolled your eyes, punching his side—though you knew it’d do no harm—he pressed a hand on the spot, overreacting as he fell to the ground with a groan. 

“No need to get all abusive on me.” He said with a laugh. Another roll of your eyes before you fell into the same fit of giggles and chuckles. 

“So, what’d you call me for that was super important?” Johnny asked, looking behind you to see the paintings you brought from the balcony and onto the couch. His eyes widened, turning to look back at you in which you could only smile innocently. 

“Are you actually going to do something with your paintings?” He said, and though there was his normal, playful tone in his sentence, when he walked past you and reached for the paintings, studying every brush stroke, every color and detail, you knew how much it meant to him, just as much as it meant to you. Johnny had always been there for you when you started painting. He was in your art class back in middle school, and watched you fall in love with it ever since. He’d also been there when your mother left, and when your father would drink his sorrows away, never having the time to look at what you made. He appreciated your work when no one else would, and though he tried to convince you not to quit painting, he still supported your decision when you wanted to help your father instead. If anyone knew how important this was to you, it was always Johnny. 

“I want to try selling some and hopefully find someone who is willing to have them in a gallery walk.” You explained as he stopped to look at the painting for the snowy night you had with Jaehyun. 

“Isn’t this…” He mumbled, brows furrowed in thought, he looked up at you. You smiled, nodding your head. 

He then reached for the painting of the mustang in the starry sky, “What about this?” At that point, you didn’t know what else to tell him, yet looked at him with a devilish grin. Everything else clicked when he saw that grin.

“Oh you nasty. You painted the first time you guys had sex? No wait, scratch that—the first time you guys had sex was in a car?!” He asked. You nodded. 

Johnny scoffed, “And yet you judge me and my sex spots with Ten. What a hypocrite.” You rolled your eyes, but laughed nonetheless. 

“All of these paintings are about him, aren’t they?” He asked once the laughter subsided, and your smile turned one of gentleness, along with fragile. You nodded, but decided to remain silent.

“How are you guys doing?” Johnny continued to ask, though he seemed to know by the sad look in your eye, you turned away from his gaze to stare at the painting, your lips curling to a line, you sat down on the couch with him, taking the painting of the mustang in your hands, you stroked the canvas gently, wondering if you closed your eyes and wishing hard enough, you could go back to that moment, rather than living in this moment, where nights like those felt like they were nothing more but a beautiful, nostalgic dream. 

“We’re… okay. I guess—I don’t know.” Was all you could respond with. Johnny frowned, but you didn’t have the heart to look at him and tell him that everything was as perfect as you thought it’d be. You knew you couldn’t lie to him like that. You couldn’t lie to yourself like that. 

“It’s just…” You sighed, putting the canvas aside with the pile of the other paintings, you stared down at your lap, your fingers that fumbled with the edges of your shorts, “we don’t spend as much time as we used to anymore. “Too busy with the band and stuff,” he says, and I get it. I just wish he knew how much I actually miss that time we shared. It’s not the same anymore.” Another sigh. 

Johnny placed his hand on your shoulder, consoling you as best he could. You could practically feel his pity burning onto your skin with that look in his eye, but for once, you didn’t say anything. You sat there in the silence as he enveloped you in a hug. 

“I’m sure things will turn out okay. As long as you tell him that, then you guys can come to an understanding. This means the world to him, but he should also try to make time for you.” He explained, and you knew what he meant. This was what Jaehyun had been dreaming of, though it wasn’t exact, he was happy, but you weren’t, and he had to know. If only talking to him didn’t become such a difficult task to do alone. 

“Enough about that, let’s look up some stuff online on how you can get your stuff into a gallery walk.” Johnny smiled, shoving you aside as he reached for his phone. You laughed, moving the paintings in between the two of you, your shoulder pressed next to him as you stared at his phone in hopes to find ways to make your own dreams a reality. 

You had slowly stopped going to Jaehyun’s gigs. They continued to get farther from the next destination, lasting longer than usual, each gig was closer to the other. He was rarely ever home now. You’d hear him in the middle of the night, and you’d begin to wonder if he was sober or drunk. Most of the time it was hard to tell, but it was obvious when he was hammered when it was Taeyong knocking on the door with Jaehyun limp on his back. It had become so often, you decided to give Taeyong a key to your apartment. Every day you’d forget that you were sharing an apartment with someone else, especially forgetting that you had been sharing an apartment with your own boyfriend. 

Your mornings were spent in solitude. It was either Jaehyun sleeping in until who-knows-when, or having him never show up at all, and getting a text from Doyoung or Taeil that he was at their house because Taeyong couldn’t show up to drive him back home because of his classes. Your bed felt cold without his warmth. The silk sheets were cool against your skin, and the birds stopped singing their morning tunes, deciding it was better to keep the window closed. It wasn’t all bad though. You refused to let this minor setback get in the way of your relationship—more so your habits. You still got up early in the morning, made breakfast, and you’d spend most of your time on the balcony. Jaehyun had stopped checking every now and then to see how you were doing. You didn’t see his figure rest against the doorframe, watching your focused gaze with love and compassion. He didn’t appreciate your artwork anymore. Oftentimes, you wondered if he even cared if you were still painting or not. You wondered if he even cared at all. The only times he’d even step onto the balcony was to give you a goodbye kiss before he went to his next gig. He wouldn’t even spare a single glance towards your canvas. Still, you tried not to let it bother you. 

Johnny started to come over more. You were thankful for that. Sometimes he’d even bring Ten alongside him to keep you company on the days Jaehyun was gone. The three of you would sit on your couch, a glass of wine in hand, and you guys would spend hours talking and looking at your art. Johnny thought it’d be fun to pretend that you were presenting your artwork in a museum. 

“For practice.” He’d say, though you knew that wouldn’t happen any time soon. The thought of it still made you happy, hopeful even. The search for buyers was difficult. You had a few offers here and there, but none of them met your requirements. It was always too cheap, and you wanted to believe that your paintings were always worth more. You managed to sell the ones you did when you were younger, but that was when you and Johnny would go to the pier and try to sell them manually. The paintings of your memories with Jaehyun however, those you held onto. 

“In case someone important wants them and I can put them in a gallery.” You’d say when Johnny would tell you to take a buyer’s offer. You refused each time, because each buyer who wanted the paintings would always be a parent buying for their teen, or a couple buying it because they too have had the same story as you. You wanted people to see that it wasn’t just a decoration, it wasn’t just a memory that others can relate to, but a story. It was much more than what people thought it was, and you wanted nothing more than for them to see it, and for you to tell them the story behind each detail, each star and snowflake, each city light painted in yellows and white. For now, it all remained hopeless, and your dream of having your art hang in a gallery or museum, was slipping away before your very eyes. 

You never told Jaehyun about any of it. You always thought he never really cared, and each time you were proven right the longer he took to get home. You hadn’t realized just how bad it was until Johnny and Ten would spend the night at your apartment after Jaehyun would leave for a gig and come back three days later, drunk as usual. Each time he opened the door, it was like he also welcomed in a strange form of darkness latched onto his back, clawing towards you, wanting to engulf you whole. 

One night, after refusing what felt like your millionth buyer on your paintings of Jaehyun, and more cold, sleepless nights without his warmth, Taeyong had opened the door, carrying a sleeping Jaehyun. He walked over to the bedroom to dump Jaehyun onto the mattress when he saw you hunched over the bed, your face buried in your hands, tears seeping through your fingers. You hadn’t realized he was there until you felt the weight of Jaehyun’s body plop onto the bed. Your heartbeat skyrocketed, fearing that it was Jaehyun himself who saw you cry. You sniffled, wiping away as many tears as you could when you turned around, listening to his snores follow right after, and Taeyong staring at you with those same, sad doe eyes that made your heart ache. He sighed when you tried to fake a smile and wave, knowing it wasn’t going to fool him anymore. Taeyong pointed out the door, and he didn’t have to say anything to understand that gaze. 

"Let’s get some fresh air.” He could’ve said, but you knew already, following him outside, he opened the screen door to the balcony, and a soft, chilling breeze bit down your skin, leaving the trail of tears stained on your cheeks feeling more cold yet refreshing as the rest of your skin.

You stayed quiet, sitting down on a chair that was placed against the wall. Taeyong leaned over the railing, facing you with his back facing the moonlit sky. He crossed his arms, looking at you with pleading eyes, wanting just a tiny bit of reassurance if you were okay with that stare, but you knew he wasn’t going to force you to talk if you didn’t want to. 

“Everything okay?” He finally broke the silence, his hands dropping to his side, only to shove them in the pockets of his jacket. You turned your head to the side, staring at the darkness that filled the sky, your mind wondering to the darkness that had also filled your heart. 

“Yeah… I’m fine.” You lied, but Taeyong knew better than to believe that. You knew better than to try to sell that, but you were weak, and you hated that. You hated it more when you let others see it too, especially to someone like Taeyong.

“What’s wrong?” His voice was more gentle this time, like a sweet tune that hummed in your ears, making the weight on your chest just a little less suffocating. You bit down on your lip, too tired to bring up any more tears, to explain everything. From Jaehyun, to your paintings, to this newfound sadness that followed you wherever you went in your shadows. You turned your head to look at him, his eyes shining in the stars, that look had felt so familiar, you could practically feel Jaehyun with that look in Taeyong’s eyes. Back to when he cared, and back to when Jaehyun was still Jaehyun and not this stranger that you don’t even recognize. 

“What isn’t wrong?” You finally said, stifling a sob once everything had come crashing before your eyes, each thought, each memory, each problem becoming more difficult to bear. 

“I can’t follow my dreams, while Jaehyun is chasing his own, but isn’t. Instead, he’s become someone entirely different than the Jaehyun I know. I gave up everything, my studies, college, my dad…” Your head was pounding, your breathing turned heavy. You didn’t know the difference between your father and Jaehyun anymore. Each time he smiled, you saw your father. Each time you smelled the alcohol linger on his lips, it was like you were taken back to your living room, in the house you grew up in and where your mother said she no longer loved your father. Where she no longer loved you. 

“I don’t want things to change, but everything is. History keeps repeating itself, and I can’t run away from my problems, no matter how hard I try, they’ll just follow me wherever I go. And Jaehyun… the one person who I thought would stick by my side no matter what… even he’s beginning to abandon me, just like everyone I ever loved.” You cried out, scoffing in disbelief to everything that was happening. 

“Why are the people I love always taken away from me?” You asked, more to yourself. You felt the tears roll down your cheeks all over again, the realization hitting you like a train that had been trying to catch up with you. You looked up, begging for answers you knew Taeyong wouldn’t know. He stared at you with those same, sorrowful doe eyes. Those eyes that carried the stars, the eyes that held the same gaze Jaehyun did long ago. When you still felt wanted, loved, and important. That was when you remembered as Taeyong’s words echoed in your ears.

“What did you mean when you said… that you wish things had gone differently?” You had pulled out the question that had been eating you up from the moment he told you. Silence filled the sky. The same damn, deafening silence that boomed in your ears. 

Taeyong sighed, “It’s nothing.” He denied, but the unknown set you to panic, thousands of scenarios popping up in your mind, you didn’t know what to think anymore. For once, you just wanted answers rather than waiting for something to happen in the agonizing, painful silence. 

“It’s not nothing. I saw that look in your eyes that night. You looked sad… damnit Taeyong, for once, I just want clarity on something! I’m desperate… please. Don’t shut me out like everyone else.” You pleaded, now on your feet, you kept your distance with Taeyong as he sighed, pushing himself off the railing so he was standing upright.

“I just wish, back when we were younger and I was that chubby kid and you were that sweet, beautiful girl who was nice to me when no one really was… I wish I told you how I felt.” He started, his eyes glued to the floor. Your stomach dropped when he spoke, and your heart sent skyrocketing.

“I always thought you were a wonderful person, so much that I had the biggest crush on you. Then I remember all the guys who liked you, each one of them got rejected. I knew better than to be the next fool to humiliate myself, but still…” Taeyong sighed, and you could only bury yourself in your guilt, unaware of how many people you had hurt in high school, all because of your stupid fear. 

“That party, after graduation… when I saw you again, I thought, “maybe this is my chance to tell her how I really feel.” Especially after the glow up I had.” He said jokingly, forcing a dry laugh, but you couldn’t ignore the giggle that tickled your lips. 

“I thought I had a chance. I saw you in the kitchen that night, drinking a beer. That’s when Jaehyun walked up to you, and the two of you left. I knew I missed my chance.” He admitted. Your heart was pounding against your chest, nothing but ache and sadness followed with each beat, you could practically feel it breaking each time it did. 

“He’s my friend, so of course I was happy for him. Then he moved out, to move in with you. I was kind of envious, if I’m being honest… so we lost touch and I thought I’d move on, until the night of his first show with NCT.” You wanted to cry. You wanted to explain everything to him. How you didn’t know, to how stupid you felt and how much you regret your fears getting in the way of everything. 

“I wish things had gone differently. I wish I had the courage to ask you out junior year, or maybe if I had the balls to walk up to you before he did… fuck I regret not doing anything at all. I thought I was protecting myself. Fuck, I liked you so much, I was too scared of rejection, and now I’m too late.” Liked. The way he said it felt as if he was lying to himself, and when he turned his head up to meet your glossy eyes, that was when you knew. He was lying. 

“I wish… that I could be the one to hold you, to wipe away those tears on your face, and to tell you that everything is going to be okay. But it’s too late. That’s what I meant when I said that on the night of the gig.” Taeyong frowned, his gaze moving back to his feet. 

You didn’t know what happened next. One moment you were standing a good distance away from Taeyong, but as you watched his eyes slowly move towards his shoes, you didn’t know what drove you to get up from your seat, and wrap your arms around his neck, as you pulled him into a long, tight embrace. 

At first, he remained stiff, and time felt still. You couldn’t control the tears that rolled down your cheeks, but all you could do was mumble, “I’m sorry.” Maybe you had also wished the same. Maybe if you didn’t let your entire fear of love eat you up like the darkness that followed you and the ones you loved, maybe you would’ve been with Taeyong instead.

You pulled away from the hug after a while, you looked up at Taeyong who had his gaze locked on you. He smiled a fragile smile, bringing his hands to cup your face, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs. Afterwards, his smile faltered, yet remained gentle and sweet. He kept his hands on your face. Everything was moving slow, you didn’t know what was real at that point. You could feel his breath inches from your face, he leaned closer to you, his lips ghosting over yours. You felt the goosebumps on your skin, the hairs on the back of your neck rise, and a chill sending down your spine. You wanted to stop, but the closer he leaned in, and you smelled the sweet scent of sugar and vanilla, you felt hypnotized to close your eyes. When you did, that’s when the tsunami of memories flooded your mind. 

“I wanted to get a drink, and I saw you all alone. Thought you could use a friend.”

“This is the first time we met, yet we’re already friends?”

“What are you doing here?” 

“I just… wanted to see you.” 

“As long as I’m standing by your side, you don’t have to be scared.” 

No. You wouldn’t take anything back. Not a single moment. Not the snowy night when you cried in front of Jaehyun, opening your heart for the first time as he accepted you with open arms. Not from the night you shared in his mustang, where you gave your body, heart, and soul to him without any regrets. You couldn’t do this. Even though he is living his dream, Jaehyun is still Jaehyun. He is still the man you love, and you’d never trade him for anyone else.

You couldn’t do this. Not to you, and especially not to Jaehyun. 

Taeyong’s lips had barely grazed over yours when you moved away, curling your lips in a line, you faced away from him when he moved his hands away from your face.

“I’m sorry Taeyong… I shouldn’t have been so stupid in highschool, and I’m sorry that things hadn’t gone the way we wish it could. But I can’t do this… not to you, or to myself, or…” You fell silent, and all you could see was Jaehyun each time you closed your eyes. You saw his smile, heard his laugh, and felt his warmth. 

Taeyong sighed, but smiled, “You really love him. That’s good. He’s a good person, and a lucky bastard to have someone like you. I’m sorry.” His hands found solace back into the pockets of his jeans. His head hung up, staring at the starry night, he laughed dryly. 

“I guess I should probably leave now.” Taeyong huffed, walking past you towards the front door. You followed right behind, anxious if he’d ever come back again.

“Are we still cool?” You asked abruptly, fear coursing through, you didn’t want to lose more people. Especially Taeyong, who you’ve grown to love, but not in the way he thought you did. He was a friend. Someone you can rely on, especially in moments like these when you hardly recognize who you’ve become.

He turned around, concern written on his brow that furrowed, he sighed and pulled you in a hug as he said, “Of course we’re still cool. It’d take a lot more than simple rejection to get rid of me y’know. I’m tougher than you think.” You laughed, hoping that it were true. Wishing you were the same. You held tight onto him, taking in his sweet scent once more before pulling away. 

You smiled. “Thank you, Yongie.” Your voice fell quiet when he stood outside of your doorway, nodding his head, he saluted you off in a playful manner.

Taeyong laughed, shaking his head before taking a slug of his drink. “I can almost say the same. Small world I guess.” He excused, turning away from you to face the empty stage where a crowd of people stood patiently. 

“So, are you here to watch too?” You asked out of curiosity, an unsettling feeling latched onto your heart, you pushed your thoughts away with a long sip. 

“You can say that. Doyoung is my roommate and he’s also the leader of the band.” Taeyong explained, in which you half-listened. 

“Come here to support him?” You asked. Taeyong cackled, shaking his head, he placed down his bottle of beer. 

“If that’s what you’d want to believe. I’m mostly here because after every performance he always likes to drink with his bandmates and some chicks, which leaves me in charge of playing mom when he can’t.” You wanted to laugh at the thought of Taeyong being the “mom” friend, he always had been for as long as you’ve known him, but those words echoed in your head.

 “To drink with his bandmates and some chicks.” 

At that moment, the thought of Jaehyun drinking around with girls desperately throwing themselves at him, it made you feel uneasy. Insecure. 

You hadn’t realized just when you started to feel so jealous over the little things you weren’t even sure Jaehyun did. It was as if you didn’t know who he was when he’d leave your apartment door. As if he were to become someone entirely different. Someone who had the face of the man you love, but have no idea who he truly is. 

“Yeah…” Was all you could whisper before the lights dimmed, and the crowd near the stage began to cheer. The lounge was significantly big, the lights shimmering a golden tint around the actual bar so the bartenders could make their drinks. The stage seemed big enough to fit a band; a microphone stood in the middle, between the thick red curtains that moved delicately. You turned to face Taeyong whose gaze was fixed onto the stage, he looked at you from the corner of his eye. With a gentle, welcoming grin, he took a sip from his drink before motioning the bottle over to the stage without another word. 

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, before our final performance of the night, I’d like to introduce you to the leader of the band, Lee Doyoung! Give him a round of applause!” A young man announced in the middle of the stage. The crowd roared, and emerging from the scarlet curtains, Doyoung walked towards the microphone in elegance, radiating pure confidence as he did.

“So many beautiful people here tonight, though most of you are probably too drunk to really see that.” Doyoung said with a chuckle, and those who were sober enough followed him. “I’m going to try to cut this short. We’re a new band trying to make a name for ourselves, we carry purpose, and we carry these songs in our hearts. Listen, and you might find purpose with us. We are, NCT!” The curtain opened, your heart seeming to skyrocket with the heavy beat of the drum that began to echo within the lounge. 

Their silhouettes stayed stiff like statues, with one pluck of a guitar, the spotlight had shined on them. Jaehyun’s face glowed delicately against the ill colored lighting that made his eyes shine. You’ve never seen such passion burn in his stare as he strummed his guitar, the drums echoing until you felt it deep in your heart, the floor thumped with every beat. Another strum of a guitar, and the mood had instantly changed. The crowd went from calm to roaring cheers the moment Doyoung had picked up the microphone, and began to sing. 

You watched, it was impossible to look away. Doyoung sang, his voice echoed within the bar, people walked closer to see, leaving the bar practically stranded minus the new customers who walked in to get a chance to hear the music that boomed throughout the room. The music pulled at you. Before you knew it, you had been walking closer to the stage, and at that moment, Jaehyun walked closer to his mic. When he opened his eyes, his lips parted, and his gaze met yours.

“Even if I close my eyes, I can feel your warmth. A step beside me, my companion who has been walking by my side. You who has given me comfort,” He smiled, and your heart felt light, “I’m with you.” He finished, stepping back, he looked away before you could process it.

He had never looked so happy than how he did when he sang. The determination that seared in his soul, Jaehyun finally looked at home. Like the birds that flew past your apartment windows, he had finally looked free. Your heart ached, though you weren’t sure if it was joy, or an unknown, unwanted feeling that crept in the back of your mind. You looked around to see girls screaming after him, the feeling unsettling, you wanted to ignore it and turned to look back at the band. Another band member began to sing, and the crowd was dancing, you smiled when you felt a tap on your shoulder. 

Taeyong looked at you, raising his beer towards you in a celebratory toast. A laugh erupted from your lips, raising your bottle to clink with his, you pushed away everything that was bad in the world for the moment that they performed, and danced with the crowd. Freedom rushed through your veins, you felt like the birds; but sooner or later, you’d have to come back down to the ground. 

By the time that it was finally over, everything had felt like a dream. It was all surreal, from the moment the lights brightened, and the crowd became less rowdy, you didn’t want to believe that anything that had just happened had been real. Taeyong turned to look at you, a smile clear on his thin lips, he tugged on your arm, taking your hand in his, and before you could protest, he pulled you away from the crowd, and towards a door next to the stage. 

“Don’t worry Daniel, she’s with me.” Taeyong addressed you when he talked to the security guard who stood in front of the door. He took a short look at you before he grinned and motioned his head over towards the room. 

“Go ahead man.” He said before Taeyong opened the door, letting you walk inside first. 

“Y’know if I wasn’t so close to you, I’d say this is a kidnapping.” You said with a chuckle, turning to watch Taeyong close the door before motioning his hand towards the actual room.

Chatter filled the tiny area. Your heart skipped a beat, your eyes widened, and a short gasp escaped your lips when you realized that the members of Jaehyun’s band were all here. None turned to look at you, too focused on putting away their instruments and talking amongst themselves, you could’ve sworn that one of them whispered to the other, “Must be some fan.” 

You rolled your eyes, but before you could start looking for Jaehyun, Doyoung—the leader of NCT—was standing in front of your very eyes. 

“Hey Doyoung, you did a good job out there.” Taeyong stated, taking a step forward to where you had to take a step back before you felt as if you were interrupting them. 

Doyoung smiled, “About time you went backstage. Most of the time you’re waiting for me with a beer or something.” He said before shoving Taeyong’s shoulder in a playful manner. 

Taeyong rolled his eyes, but smiled right after. “Actually I’m not here for you. I brought a friend here that a bandmate of yours knows very well.” He explained, turning over to you, he gripped your shoulders gently before pushing you forward and introducing you to him. “This is Jaehyun’s girlfriend.” Taeyong said a little too happily before Doyoung’s brows raised, he chuckled.

“Boy will he be happy to see you then. He’s been talking about you nonstop before the gig. He’s over there talking to Taeil—the lead guitar of the band.” Doyoung directed to where they were, and you saw him. 

His skin glowed against the golden lights of the tiny room, his guitar strapped on his back as he lied down his case, talking to a gray haired man who you could only assume was Taeil. The two of them turned at the same time, and your eyes met his. The way he stared at you, the same passion you saw on the stage still burned deep in his brown eyes. 

A wide grin decorated the corner of Jaehyun’s lips, his dimples instantly popped out, he didn’t hesitate to run towards you, pulling you in a hug that lifted you off your feet. You yelped in surprise when he spun you around, the immense heat from his body radiated around you. 

“I’m so glad you made it. What did you think? Were we good? Well—was I good?” He bombarded you with questions, letting out a hearty laugh. You couldn’t seem to let go of the dorkish grin that was practically glued to your face. 

“You were amazing Jaehyun! I knew you could do it!” You exclaimed, pulling him in a hug, you shut your eyes to realize that you had even gotten teary. You were happy for him, but in that hug, with his laugh that echoed in your ears, deep inside, there was something that was eating you up. 

“So, what now?” You asked when he pulled away and your tears were gone. You reached your hand to touch his cheek, Jaehyun had practically melted into your touch. 

“The bandmates and I wanted to head out and drink a little. This is my first gig with them, so it’d be a good chance to get to know them more.” He explained, excitement deep in his sentence. You curled your lips in a small smile. 

“Well, that sounds like a lot of fun babe.” You said, moving your hand away until Jaehyun grabbed your wrist, placing it back to where it was, he was quick to react. 

“You can always come with. Maybe help me out in case I get too nervous around them?” He offered, though a bitter taste filled your tongue. You weren’t sure how to feel if you went with them, to see a crowd of girls throw themselves at them like the ones you saw when they performed. Though they were new to the music world, it seems that fans were quick to pour in. You looked back at Jaehyun when your hand fell to your side. You watched his puppy eyes that stared down at you, that glance that you could never say no to. 

“Okay.” You muttered. Jaehyun instantly smiled, pulling you into another hug, though that uneasy feeling that bubbled in your stomach could only seem to grow. He opened his mouth to speak, but you watched a hand grip onto his shoulder as Doyoung pulled him into a side hug, whilst the rest of the band stayed behind him, like soldiers waiting for orders.

“We’re gonna be heading out soon, you guys coming along?” Doyoung asked with a smirk, looking over at Jaehyun before his eyes trailed towards you. You avoided eye contact, staring at Jaehyun who had his eyes locked on the rest of the band. 

He laughed, “Is that even a question?” Doyoung chuckled, bumping into Jaehyun, pushing and shoving each other like children until Taeil was pulled along with them, leaving one more member of the band to follow behind. 

It was the drummer—a woman with loud red hair, dark sunglasses and a brown leather jacket. You knew if Johnny was with you right now, he’d ease that anxiety that stirred in you by saying how much of a try-hard she was being with the entire look. But when she turned her head to look at you up and down, you instantly felt nauseous before she snickered, turning away to catch up with the rest of the band. 

Taeyong walked next to you, still holding onto the bottle of beer that had to be empty by now. He said, “Don’t let Jia get to you. She likes to think she’s one of the guys. All hard ass until that leather jacket and glasses come off.” You knew he was only trying to make you feel better, and for that short moment when you watched Jaehyun leave you behind with the band, it did. 

Only for that short moment, it did. 

They ended up going to a different bar than the one they performed in. 

“It’s not exactly the cleanest place.” Doyoung said from past experience, though the only reason why they performed there in the first place was because he was cool with the owner, and despite its filth, it was still—by some miracle—one of the most popular places in the city. 

“Probably ‘cause of all the cheap beer and late night hours.” Jia excused, her black boots clicking against the concrete they walked on. 

The city had been roaring all around them, it was the most alive you have ever seen it. You walked by countless stores, and countless drunks grinning at you with drool hanging off their lip, though Jaehyun made it clear that you were taken as he had his arm wrapped around your waist as you walked. Still, you preferred looking at the city from your apartment balcony rather than down here in the crowded streets where you couldn’t see much of its beauty.

When you entered the bar, you were greeted by neon lights and shouts of laughter echoing the area. People were scattered everywhere; you started to doubt that you’d find a place to actually sit. The band looked around until Doyoung saw someone from the distance, that same mischievous grin that made you nervous filled his expression. 

He waved over to them, “Hey, Yuta!” He shouted when a man with a wide, rectangle smile waved over to him, motioning for them to sit in the big empty table as if he had been waiting for them this entire time. 

“Yuta…?” You asked, looking over at Jaehyun who could only match up with the same exact confusion as you. As if on cue to your confusion, Taeyong stepped forward, crossing his arms over his chest, he glanced ahead with the rest of NCT greeting Yuta like he was a long time friend.

“Nakamoto Yuta is like the “manager” of NCT. He’s the one who finds them gigs, then for the “after party” as he likes to say, he looks for the best bar in the city to try and spread the name. Though NCT is a new band, they’ve been doing a couple of gigs before you came in.” Taeyong explained, looking over at Jaehyun whose brows furrowed, turning over to look at him as they all sat down on the long table.

“And now that we finally have the missing link that makes the band NCT, our name will spread like wildfire.” Doyoung added on, eavesdropping onto their conversation, he laughed before ordering drinks for the entire table. 

You stayed next to Jaehyun the entire time, though Taeyong sat next to you, placing a hand on your knee every now and then to make sure you felt comfortable or included since Jaehyun seemed too deep into conversation the entire time. You appreciated the gesture, but each time he did so, your heart would sink to the floor, and you’d suddenly forget where you were for a split second.

“How do you know so much about NCT if they’re just starting out though Taeyong? I thought you were doing your own thing.” You asked, remembering back to when Jaehyun and Taeyong used to live together, and how he was the first to move out to start his dream of becoming a dancer. 

Taeyong looked down at the table and smiled. “Well, when I first moved in with Doyoung at my new college, he was studying music and me with dancing, we actually came up with the entire concept of NCT.” He said quietly into your ear, hinting that he didn’t want anyone else hearing. It only made you feel more sick.

“You both did? So why aren’t you with the band? Or at least the manager instead of this Yuta guy?” You asked, frowning, but Taeyong made it seem as if it were not that big a deal. 

You knew it was, even though you weren’t that good with words, you were still able to read people’s expressions. And you knew better than anyone that sorrowful look that filled Taeyong’s eyes as he sighed and shrugged as a response. 

“Guess that the band life isn’t for me. Y’know, before dance, I wanted to be a songwriter. I wrote some here and there, I even showed some to Jaehyun, then to Doyoung. I guess for Jae, he said I inspired him, but for Doyoung…” His voice trailed, looking over to the leader who chugged his third cup of beer as Taeil, Jia, and Jaehyun cheered him on. 

Everything suddenly clicked. “He stole your songs.” You pieced everything together, but Taeyong cleared his throat, taking a sip from his drink and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t go as far as to say that he “stole” my songs. I don’t really care anyway. The music industry doesn’t take well on soloists, and I refuse to join a band since I want a voice for myself anyway. I knew I wasn’t going to cut it, so I decided to take on the next best thing I’m good at: dancing.” He explained, but you knew him, you knew the determination and passion in his tone when he explained about the music world. 

It suddenly made so much sense as to how and why Taeyong knew so much about everything music wise, and on NCT. This was his dream, and he was willing to give it up because he would rather have his voice be heard, than to share it with others. 

“The music world is a selfish place.” He said with a sigh, muttering your name under his breath, it sent a chill down your spine. “Jaehyun has a good heart, and you’re both good friends of mine, I don’t want to see him fall into that world, but build himself from it.” 

You nodded, smiling faintly when you turned to look at Jaehyun who had been laughing from the moment he got here, completely invested into conversation. You knew he was going to be okay. 

“He will.” You reassured more to yourself rather than to Taeyong. He smiled, nodding his head before reaching for his cup, drinking. Your eyes were locked on Jaehyun who in the middle of laughing, turned to look at you. 

“What’s up baby?” He asked after calming down, and you don’t know what it was, be it that unsettling feeling in your stomach going away when he looked at you, or the courage and hope that filled your heart, you grabbed Jaehyun’s hand, intertwining your fingers with his, you kissed his knuckles delicately.

“Nothing.” You said, and Jaehyun’s smile slowly grew again when he pressed a quick kiss against your cheek. 

The rest of the night, the majority of your conversations were spent with Taeyong who stayed sober and the “designated driver” for the band as they drove around the city from bar to bar, trying to spread the name of NCT with Yuta tagging along. Each time they talked to one of the bar owners about a gig, there was something off about that smile of Yuta and Doyoung’s. Something didn’t settle right in your stomach, no matter how hard you tried shaking the feeling off, to be happy for Jaehyun as he enjoyed himself throughout the night. 

Eventually you decided to forget about it, and after you had said your goodbyes to the group, Taeyong helped you as you took a drunk Jaehyun to your home.

He’d been a laughing fit from the moment you stuffed him in your car to when you were helping him climb up the stairs to your apartment. After many attempts of reaching for your keys, you gave in to Taeyong’s offers to help. You practically flung Jaehyun towards him as he fell limp in Taeyong’s hold. He groaned in surprise, and you laughed when you unlocked the door where Taeyong stumbled to get inside before throwing Jaehyun onto the nearest couch.

He moaned and groaned, adjusting himself until he was comfortable. You watched Jaehyun with a smile before walking towards him and removing his shoes for him. 

“If you want to sleep on the couch, the least you could do is help me get you into some comfy clothes.” You said between giggles, peeling off his socks that had you holding your breath. “Taeyong, can you do me a favor and go to our room and get him some pajamas? They should be on the bottom drawer to the left.” You instructed as Taeyong curled his lips, nodding his head as he disappeared into the apartment.

“Baby… I love you.” Jaehyun had suddenly uttered as you were helping him out of his jacket. You listened carefully, knowing he was going to say something more, you decided to wait until he was done spewing out whatever his drunk mind had to say. 

“You’re too good to me, even with those chicks checkin’ me out during the show, I would’ve beaten the shit out of them if I were you.” You rolled your eyes. As if you weren’t already aware of the girls who might as well have thrown themselves onto that stage. 

“I love you too Jaehyun.” Was all you could really reply to, since you didn’t have any idea as to how Jaehyun would react if you responded to the second. 

“Y’know that Yuta guy…?” He asked, his eyes shut when you took off his shirt, tossing it next to you, he plopped right onto the couch when you did. 

“What about him?” You asked, now curious to know what he had to say. Maybe your hunch of Yuta was right, and that he was nothing but trouble. 

“Well, he says that if we do good for these gigs, he knows a couple of guys in the states who’d be down to sign us, and maybe tour around over there. Isn’t that great?” He said as he burped. 

Your heart dropped. 

The states. It was so far, and with NCT being new, there was no way that any of this could be true. Maybe Jaehyun’s just saying this because that’s his dream. There’s no way Yuta would be that good of a manager and help them out that quickly.

Right?

“The states…? Now what are you gonna do in the states?” You said with a laugh, almost in disbelief. You wanted to be hopeful for Jaehyun. To think that he will achieve his dreams in becoming a musician—even if it isn’t as a soloist as he planned in the beginning. Although, you didn’t think he’d be achieving his dreams this quick. 

“Perform, a-duh.” He said, sitting up as he poked your forehead. “And maybe you can come with. Though Doyoung isn’t much of a fan about that.” He said with a chuckle, and your brow arched. Something in that sentence had set your blood to boil, and all you could see when those words muttered out of Jaehyun’s drunken lips was that horrible, mischievous smile in Doyoung’s face. 

“I see…” You whispered, fiddling with Jaehyun’s clothes, you looked back at him to see his eyes locked on yours. That sinking feeling in your heart came back. He opened his lips to speak, and you weren’t sure why, but something in that gaze of his made you feel nervous. Almost scared.

“Hey, I brought the pajamas.” Taeyong said, walking back inside the room, he handed you a Calvin Klein shirt and some maroon sweatpants. You looked up at him, smiling, you bowed politely as if to say thank you. 

“Help me get him dressed.” Your voice was quiet, unsure what to say, or what to think. Jaehyun finally looked away, and a suffocating weight you didn’t know was even there was lifted when he did. 

Taeyong helped you get Jaehyun dressed. It was easier than what you thought it would be, when you put on his sweatpants, it was like he practically fell limp before falling completely asleep. 

“You gonna let him sleep on the couch?” Taeyong asked you, panting after the struggle of holding Jaehyun’s weight while you dressed him. You huffed, looking down at his sleeping—already snoring—figure. You scoffed and nodded.

“For now. Maybe before you go you can help me take him to the bed?” You asked, unsure of what to really expect for Taeyong to answer, but he nodded and smiled.

“Sure thing.” 

“So…” You muttered, walking towards your apartment balcony, sliding open the door, Taeyong followed you outside and closed the door gently. “You didn’t have to help me y’know.” You whispered, leaning against the railing, your eyes locked on your shoes.

Taeyong let out an airy laugh, “There’s no way I was going to let you haul his heavy ass all the way up here alone. It’s the least I can do.” He explained. You gulped down the knot in your throat.

“Thank you, Taeyong.” Your eyes trailed to his shoes that stood a good distance from you. You observed them as he stepped closer to you, standing by your side, he placed his elbows against the railing and stared at the midnight sky above. 

“Anything for a friend.” He mumbled, and the words rang in your ears. You started to remember what he said back at the bar. Taeyong was always a selfless person, but you never thought he’d be so willing to give up his dream just like that.

“Why did you let Doyoung steal your songs?” You finally asked to break the tension that was creeping up in the air.

Taeyong sighed, hanging his head low, he fell silent for a moment. That silence was quick to accompany you, since it never left from the beginning. It always lurked. In your home, in your father, sometimes even in Jaehyun and Johnny. You never realized how uneasy it made you feel. How it made your stomach churn with each second that passed by in that agonizing silence, until it was Taeyong who was the silent one.

“Like I said before, the music world has no room for soloists like me.” He finally said, Your heart felt heavy at the words. It was like you can still feel the silky sheets underneath you, your ear pressed against Jaehyun’s chest as he stroked your hair gently, whispering to you about his dreams, on how he wished to have a voice when it came to music. 

“So why didn’t you join NCT? You did say that it was your idea.” You wanted to think that Jaehyun knew what he was doing. You knew he was happy, and that the band would soon become family considering how close Jaehyun looked to them. How they accepted him, and treated him like they’ve known him for years. But deep down, you knew this wasn’t his full dream. 

Right?

“I said it was my idea, I didn’t say that I was willing to join. When Doyoung and I started the whole idea of NCT, I wanted us to be a duo. He sings, I rap—to keep the balance,” He started, you listened, though you had a feeling as to where this was going, “of course we’d need to have guitar, bass, drums, that much we agreed on.” 

“So what happened?” You asked cautiously.

“I was willing to do all that, to share the stage even though it wasn’t my full dream, but at least I was going to do it with a close friend of mine. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still very close to Doyoung, but when it came to sharing the stage, he wasn’t up for that.” Silence again.

“Doyoung can be rather...selfish when it comes to certain things. Singing and that stage with an audience, that was the one thing he didn’t want to share with anyone else.” He finished.

“Not even with you?” You asked silently.

“Especially with me. He thought I’d oppose a “threat” and take all the spotlight from him. Though I can’t blame him, who wouldn’t fall in love with me.” He teased, grinning as he winked over at you. You laughed, rolling your eyes before shoving him away from you.

The laughter had eventually subsided, you turned to face Taeyong who had been staring ahead at the city that seemed to shush to just cars zooming past you. 

“You really have quite the view here. I’m kinda envious of you.” Taeyong said with a snicker.

“The view isn’t so bad. Helps me past time and paint.” You admitted, breathing in the fresh air. For the first time in what felt like quite a while, it actually felt refreshing. Silence filled your ears, but the company made it seem not so scary. It was almost… peaceful.

“You still do that?” Taeyong asked, looking at you with an arched brow and a proud smile. Your eyes widened slightly, turning away so he wouldn’t catch the blush that crept on your cheeks. Painting wasn’t something that you bragged about. It was when you first moved in with Jaehyun that you finally started to see that maybe it was a special gift of yours. A gift that Jaehyun made you see. 

“Yeah… crazy, isn’t it? I thought I’d give up and just do something useful with my life, help out my dad like I always planned.” 

“But…?” Taeyong trailed on, catching on that you had more to say, though you weren’t sure if you should actually say them, or keep them to yourself. The thought of how everything started though, through the pain and betrayal that your father left when you walked out the doors of your childhood home, despite that hurt that lingered, you still found happiness to fill in that void. 

“I met Jaehyun. He had the same dreams I once had. But the difference between the two of us was that he wasn’t afraid to actually meet them. I guess… that’s what I didn’t know I needed. Courage. I guess you can say he inspired me.” You curled your lips in a gentle smile. There was more you wanted to say, but when you looked at Taeyong who smiled with such warmth, sorrow seemed to fill those doe eyes of his.

“That’s great. I’m happy for you.” He said, his smile beginning to falter, as did yours. Your brows furrowed, unable to help the pity that crept onto your heart.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, but Taeyong shook his head, a short chuckle breathing through his thin lips. 

“It’s nothing. Just… who knew the world could be so small.” Taeyong stared at the city, almost as if he were ashamed or embarrassed to look at you. The thought of that placed an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach. There was something he wasn’t telling you, and by the way he avoided eye contact, you didn’t know if you really wanted to know.

“Are you sure that’s it? You know you can tell me anything Yongie.” You said with a caring smile. You hadn’t called him that name since the last time you really saw Taeyong. It felt like a long time ago, when he was still a chubby kid in your junior high class. The kid who wore circle framed glasses and whose face flushed whenever he saw you. It seemed that Taeyong caught onto it as well, and let out a tiny chuckle.

“I just wish things had gone differently, that’s all.” He said gently, your heart had skipped a beat. You didn’t know why, but when he turned to finally meet your eyes, when you saw his smile that stayed just as sweet throughout the years, you finally saw Taeyong as who he was now.

“What do you mean?” You asked, but Taeyong sighed and shook his head.

“It’s nothing. Anyway, I should probably get going now. It’s getting pretty late.” His smile faltered, turning away as he headed inside the apartment. 

“You can always spend the night…” You didn’t know what was driving you to say any of this, but you couldn’t seem to entirely bear the thought of Taeyong leaving, even if it was just for tonight.

He laughed, “As much as I’d love to, I can’t. Someone’s gotta take care of Doyoung. Call me if you need any help with Jaehyun though.” 

You walked him inside where he helped you carry Jaehyun to the bedroom where he groaned before falling back into his snoring fit. Afterwards, you opened the front door for Taeyong who stepped outside, his eyes locked on you as he stood in the hall.

“You really have grown into an amazing person y’know.” Taeyong said with a grin, saying your name afterwards. Hearing it brush off of his lips, your heart skipped a beat again. “I always knew you would be though. I always thought you were pretty cool when we were younger.” He said, clearing his throat, he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

You giggled, “Yeah. You were pretty cute when we were kids, but you’re not that chubby nerdy boy anymore Yongie.” You watched Taeyong’s eyes widen, his cheeks tinted a rosy color. 

“I-I guess.” He stuttered, staring down at his feet, he shoved his hands in his pockets. “It was nice catching up with you again. I hope we can be able to hang more in the future.” Taeyong curled his lips in a line as you leaned against your door, swinging back and forth with it, you smiled.

“Yeah. Me too.” 

“Well, anyway, I should probably go now. Goodnight.” He smiled at you one last time, waving away as he disappeared deep into the hallways once you said your goodbyes.

“Goodnight…” You whispered again, bringing a hand up to wave him off, but he was too far to see. Your hand dropped to your side, shutting the door where you fell into your own moment of silence. You pressed your forehead onto the door delicately, taking a deep breath, you heard Jaehyun’s snores. Your lips curled to a smile when you did, walking towards the room, you finally changed into something comfortable—most of the time it was just an oversized shirt and your undies, but it was still comfortable nonetheless. 

You plopped right next to the empty spot on the bed, watching Jaehyun sleep, seeing his chest heave up and down. You thought back to Taeyong’s conversations, and his words rang in your ears.

“I just wish things had gone differently, that’s all.” 

You didn’t know what he meant, and you didn’t want to know. But as you lied there, watching Jaehyun as he slept peacefully, you just wanted to think about the present. So you just stayed there, listening to his snores as you ran your hand through his hair, watching Jaehyun lean into your touch, he smiled slightly in his sleep, and your heart felt light all over again. What happened in the past, stays in the past. No matter how Taeyong looked at you with that sugar-coated smile, no matter how much your heart skipped a beat, this is what you wanted. 

This is what you want. 

Looking up to meet his eyes that had already been staring at you, you tilted your head. “Like what?” You whispered delicately, your hand coming to a stop.

Jaehyun hovered his free hand over yours, entangling your fingers together as he grinned, now staring up into the ceiling. “This perfect.” His words carried into the silence, but you felt your heart flutter in response. “I don’t know.” You started, and he eyes you, confused and scared at first until your laugh eased him up. “But I hope it will.” You reassured, and he breathed out a laugh, dipping his head for a short, sweet kiss.

“You know, this kind of reminds me of when we first moved in here.” You said, voice risen a volume higher than the whispers you were exchanging a moment ago.

He hummed and arched a brow. “How so?” He asked, and you propped yourself up with an elbow, strands of your hair falling onto his flawless face, his hand that was once wrapped around your waist, brought up to stroke your cheek. “Everything feels so calm and serene. Like the world is suddenly put at a pause, just for us.” Your eyes drifted off, wandering onto his features.

“I remember when you suddenly pulled me in and started dancing with me. Even though there wasn’t any music playing… and then you started to sing… you never told me you could sing.” You realized. Jaehyun’s smile softly faltered, and a sigh breathed through his hesitant lips.

“Yeah…” Was all he could mutter, and you knew something was wrong with the caution he had suddenly displayed. “Did I say something wrong?” You asked, backing away from the closeness until his hand reached for your waist to stop you.

“No! No—you did nothing. It’s just…” His hand moved away, and Jaehyun went back to staring up at the plain ceiling.

“I do sing. In fact, I used to write songs. My friends back home used to say I had a real talent, and I thought that I could be an amazing singer and songwriter one day.” He breathed out another laugh. It was dry, reluctant, and bittersweet.

“But…?” You carried on, your eyes shining in anticipation when you saw the sorrow that glazed over Jaehyun’s.

“My parents weren’t exactly the most supportive when it came to my dreams. They’re a bit… stuck up—and expect me to be just like them. That’s partially the reason why they even fucking sent me here, and why I was studying to be something I’m not.” You listened and felt a slight twang in your heart.

“I didn’t know…” You whispered, and Jaehyun looked back at you, pulling you down from your neck so your lips had met his.

“I didn’t really want you to know. It’s just something I don’t like to share that much, but I’m glad I could share it with you. I’m just relieved you’ll never have to meet them.” He whispered with a huff.

“Is… that why you also wanted to drop out of college?” You asked after a short, hesitant moment. Jaehyun nodded, and you gulped down a knot you didn’t know was even forming in your throat.

“I always had the idea of going against my parents’ wishes. I didn’t want to be like them, and I just wanted to be my own person. When you came into my life… I guess it gave me the push I was so scared to get.” He smiled, as did you. “So does that mean you’ll go back to making music?” You asked, sitting up and pulled your hair back. Jaehyun’s lips remained tightly curled, pondering, and losing himself in thought.

After a couple of seconds, he snaps back and turns to you, sitting up in the process as his chest bumped into yours. “I don’t know. What do you think?” He arched a brow, and you giggled sweetly.“I think you should follow what your heart tells you.” You saw as you poke onto his chest, and Jaehyun laughed wholeheartedly. “And that I will do.” He grinned, holding your hand that rested against his chest and kiss your lips once, twice, endless times.

You broke the kiss with a laugh, your eyes fluttering open to meet his. “You should sing for me.” You whispered within Jaehyun’s tiny whine, desperate to meet your own lips again until your words had stopped him.

His brows furrowed, and his head tilted aside. “Why the sudden request?” He asked and you pucker your lips in thought. “I want to hear you sing for me like you did when we danced that night.”  You chirped, wrapping your arms around his neck, backing yourself enough to admire his euphoric features.

“Anything for you, my love.” He chuckled when you rolled your eyes and slapped his shoulder, pushing him away as Jaehyun, still in a laughing fit, got up from the bed and slipped back into his underwear and sweatpants. “Wait here.” He instructed, walking towards the doorstep to look over at your body wrapped around the sheets.

Jaehyun bit his lip, restraint clear in his eyes followed by a linger of lust left within that glance. Still, he calmed himself down when you smiled widely, eyes sparkling with excitement and anticipation, and he disappeared into the halls.

You waited, and in that time you had spent waiting, you had gotten up from bed in search of your undergarments. Once they were found across the bed, you then reached for the shirt Jaehyun left unattended from his side of the bed.

You slipped inside his shirt, and took in his sweet scent of coffee and vintage bookstores, humming with the scent of lumber that was hidden deep within the sweetness.

Jaehyun’s scent has always seemed to have calmed you down in the darkest times. The warmth buried in his hug, you’d grip tightly onto his shirt and take a deep breath in, remembering where you were, and who you were with.

He had always carried this calming aura around, one in which you envied. Jaehyun was nothing more but a good person who didn’t carry a single bad bone in his body.

You knew you thought of it a lot, more times than you could count—but each day you felt the need to remind yourself that he was real.

He wasn’t a dream, or some figment of your imagination to calm your troubled mind. He was real, and he was with you. The question you mostly asked yourself was why that was.

What did you do to ever deserve such a kind hearted man?

You’d fall victim into your insecurities when you got too deep in thought about it. Your mind clouded in self doubt, and memories flashing through your head. You never had things this easy, so why was Jaehyun a sudden exception?

Maybe this was nothing more but a dream.

Maybe… just maybe, you would wake up one day.

And the thought of that terrified you.

Jaehyun had come back, a wide smile plastered onto his face, his dimples pressed deep into his cheeks. In his hands, a guitar, strapped across his chest. He sat on the edge of the bed, and you scooted closer to him until your chin was resting comfortably on top of his shoulder.

“I might be rusty, so it might not sound as good as it used to.” He warned, but you shook your head. “It’s fine.” You uttered, and he let out a breathy chuckle. “Alright…” He whispered, and it fell silent.

He looked over the guitar, studying the strings and hovered his fingers, despite no sound muttering from the instrument. Instead, he ghosted over it, humming gently to what you guessed was what he wanted to play. He cleared his throat, his left hand wrapped around the neck, fingers pressed against the fretboard, and he began to play.

The strum of the guitar started slow, and the melody, soft. He’d stop to hum, his ruffled hair bouncing as he swung side to side, his eyes gently closing, Jaehyun had fallen deep into the music. The music shifted and found a rhythm until it became a song. At first, filled with sorrow, then with joy. He took a deep breath, and Jaehyun had sung.

His voice started husky, and he quickly cleared his throat till it turned smooth. The song had felt like a roller coaster of emotions, lyrics that sounded so uplifting, yet when you truly paid attention to what he was saying, filled with such lost sorrow. It had felt so bittersweet as the song had echoed in your ears. His voice sounded so sweet and felt as if honey were dripping off from those lips you found addicting.

The melody played into your ears, and it felt like your own heart was being plucked instead.

The lyrics were filled with such sorrow; it was like Jaehyun was talking to himself. Telling himself these things. Like he has forgotten where he was and lost himself into an entirely different world.

A story about two lovers, one a happy tune, and another a forgotten song. The two were more than different, but that didn’t stop the light that ignited within the dark.

The days feel limited, as if each day feels like the last. A dream that the two lovers are trapped in. A dream filled with such beauty, and such perfection, it all seemed too good to be true.

Jaehyun sang, and you smiled, because when you looked at his face, his eyes closed shut as he strummed onto the guitar and sung with such sweet passion, he had finally looked at peace.

Eventually, the song had ended on a bittersweet note. One that had left your heart longing, you kissed Jaehyun’s shoulder delicately. “You sing beautifully. Why do you keep it hidden?” You asked, your hand absentmindedly drawing shapes onto his bicep.

“I don’t know. I guess I just haven’t found my muse at the time.” He turned to look at you, taking off the strap of the guitar and pushed it aside. “Do you think you found it now?” You asked as he stared deep into your eyes, searching for your soul, and you stared at the galaxies trapped in his own. “I think I did.” He said sweetly, and you laughed as he pressed a short kiss onto your lips.

“Did you write that song?” You asked, following behind Jaehyun down the hallway so he can put his guitar away. “Yes, actually. I’ve been writing it for some time. I always had the melody stuck in my head, but never found the right lyrics to it. I wanted to tell a story, but I didn’t know what. Then I met you and I guess…” He paused. Jaehyun turned away from you for a moment to set his guitar back inside the closet of the room, then turning back to you, he grinned wide enough to flash his dimpled cheeks.

“I guess our story had seemed to be a perfect fit.” He smiled, and you rolled your eyes. “You’re cute” You said sarcastically. Jaehyun fell into a fit of laughter, wrapping his arms around you and peppered you in kisses. “Ah yes, it’s such a blessing being this cute.” He retorted, kissing you once more before you could dare protest.

You shook your head, and listened to the silence for a moment before you asked, “So are you going to pursue your dreams in music then?” Jaehyun’s thin lips curled to a line, lost in thought for a second or two, then looked back at you with a tiny smile.

“Depends, will you pursue your dreams in painting?” He said, and your brows arched slightly, and a dry laugh left your lips. “Who said anything about painting being my dream?” You asked, and Jaehyun shook his head, shrugging.

“I know I haven’t seen any of your paintings, but that night when you told me about it, you had this spark in your eye. I just figured it was your passion the moment I saw it.” Jaehyun explained, and your expressions softened. “I haven’t painted in a while… I probably lost my touch.” You bit down on your bottom lip, averting your eyes away from Jaehyun and onto your intertwined fingers, and part of what you said felt partially true.

That day when you painted Jaehyun’s face, you didn’t know where it had come from. It felt like a piece that was hidden away deep inside you was seeping out, and you subconsciously painted him.

Since your mother left your father, and your family had become completely broken, you thought you would never paint again. You felt that you had to provide for yourself and your father. When he gave his life to drinking, it seemed that everything you ever dreamed of had withered away.

You miss painting, but you never considered yourself to have a talent for it. It was something you enjoyed, and in a way to what Jaehyun had told you—you didn’t doubt him when he explained to you of the little sparks that ignited within you that day when you had told him.

“One way to test that theory out.” Jaehyun whispered, and you looked back at him, and he moved so he’d bury his head in the crook of your neck, taking in your scent, and you smiled.

“I guess so…” You answered, but in your mind, you didn’t know if you even wanted to test that out. You didn’t know what you’d paint. It was like the creative side of your brain had completely died.

But when you closed your eyes, and listened to Jaehyun’s strumming of the guitar, followed by the candied tones of his voice, maybe a part of you wanted to be as creative and beautiful as him.

—○—

“I can’t believe this day has already come.”

You smiled, looking up at Johnny’s towering figure, who could only look at you with the same, wide grin.

“Well, it’s not every day your best friend gets married.” He commented, adjusting his tie, then turned to stand next to you, staring ahead of him, and took your hand in his for Johnny to grip.

“I’m so glad that you’re here.”

“C’mon, you know I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I know… thank you.”

The doors opened, and the music began to play, and with a final grip on Johnny’s hand, you looked over at him with a smile, and walked to the side, where the bridesmaids stood with their bouquets in hands.

Your dress was different compared to theirs, considering that you were the maid of honor.

He adjusted his tie again and wiped the cold sweat on his hands. The lights had dimmed slightly, and the audience stood to their feet. You watched, and your heart seemed to have fastened, and Ten walked down the aisle with his parents on each side of him, dressed in a white tux, his eyes locked on Johnny.

Johnny waited in front of a gazebo decorated to the brim with flowers and fairy lights. Ten’s parents hosted the wedding at their home, considering it was beautiful—they were more than happy to see that their son would marry in a home that he grew up in. Where so much love was born.

They didn’t hesitate to decorate their entire residence to the brim, with flowers such as baby’s-breath and other bright colored plants surrounded bright yellow lights, a perfect substitute for the setting sun behind the gazebo.

You watched a smile itch on Ten’s lips; you turned to look at Johnny, his eyes glassy with tears the closer his soon-to-be husband got. In your ears, all fell silent, and the soft strums of the guitar filled them back up. Your eyebrows arched, you turned your head and saw Jaehyun sitting where the band normally sits, and it was just him.

Sitting by himself, and playing his guitar, singing into the microphone, on a song about endless love. The sound and the sight, it was enough to bring tears into your eyes, so you listened carefully, watched carefully, and your heart felt light.

It reminded you back to when this whole thing started. The party, and Jaehyun sitting outside with that smile you found addicted to see. Your fears that clouded your mind and locked your heart away.

How easily he could shine into your life and find the key you kept hidden away.

When you opened your eyes, Ten and Johnny stared into each other's eyes, tears staining both of their cheeks. You turned to look at Jaehyun, and with a final strum to his guitar, kept his eyes glued onto you.

Your heart fluttered, and you knew—with every inch of your being—you loved him more than life.

The crowd applauded, as Ten and Johnny leaned for a kiss that’d tie their marriage, you looked over at Jaehyun, who was the only one who wasn’t looking at the couple, but at you. His eyes glistened within the fairy lights wrapped around the gazebo, and a smile plastered onto his face. At that moment, when you looked into those eyes you love, watching them glisten with an unknown spark.

No words were said, and whilst the crowd moved inside the large house where the living room had been cleaned and cleared to dance, your feet felt rooted to the floor. Jaehyun got up from his seat when the coast was clear, placing his guitar next to the microphone, his footsteps nearing your figure.

You felt a knot form in your throat, your lips had run dry, and your hands felt cold with sweat. He laughed when he noticed just how nervous you had suddenly gotten, and took your hands in his, squeezing them gently. The two of you had stood like that for a while, staring into each other’s eyes, with no words exchanged, because at that moment, no words were needed.

You knew just how much he loved you with that look; the dimples popping out of his cheeks, and his nose scrunching slightly, it looked like he had whiskers on his face. You opened your mouth to speak after the silence slowly began to grow tense, but when you took in a breath to speak, Jaehyun interrupted with his lips pressed against yours.

He didn’t waste another moment to wrap his arms around your waist, lifting you enough to make you stand on your toes. Your arms resting delicately on his shoulders, all good must come to an end. You were the first to pull away, Jaehyun a bit curious by that. You smiled and whispered, “Someone’s affectionate today.” Jaehyun chuckled and shook his head.

“Seriously, what’s up? Did the wedding get to you a little?” You asked when he said nothing. He shook his head again, and bent down to kiss your lips again. “I love you. Isn’t that enough reason for my actions?” He asked. You eyed him suspiciously with an arched brow and giggled before hitting his chest.

“I suppose not.” You tugged on his neck, lips itching to meet his again. The two of you smiled, but when lips were nothing but a mere centimeter away, a voice had pulled the two of you back into Earth.

“You guys coming to dance, or do you want another moment to stick each other's tongues down your throats?” Johnny shouted with a hearty laugh, Ten tucked in his arms, dancing along to the beat that echoed from inside the house. You rolled your eyes, and Jaehyun snickered, looking down at your flushed, annoyed expression that set him laughing.

“We’ll be there in a bit.” Jaehyun eventually excused, and Johnny nodded. “Well, don’t take too long, the party won’t wait for you guys!” He walked back inside the building, where the crowd roared for him and his new husband.

“So…” Jaehyun mumbled, removing himself from you, you grew needy for his touch already. “So… what?” You questioned. He shook his head with another chuckle, but before he could say another word, the music from the inside had changed.

The beat fell slower, and the singer’s voice deeper, more melodic. You knew what song it was from the moment you listened to that first tune of the trumpet, and you looked over at Jaehyun with wide eyes. You asked in disbelief, “You didn’t request this, did you?” Jaehyun looked away, an innocent whistle blowing from his thin lips, his footsteps beginning to near you again.

“I may or may not have.” He whistled, but when you hit his chest, crossing your arms, he raised his hands in defense and laughed. “Hey, even if it isn’t our wedding, it’s still a nice song to dance with your lover.”

The words rung in your ears. “If it isn’t our wedding.” The thought of what he could’ve meant with that set your heart to race, and a million questions popping in your head, but he reacted swiftly.

With an arm wrapped around your waist, and his hand reaching for yours to put on his shoulder, holding the other in his, Jaehyun gently swayed to the music. “You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.” You giggled. Jaehyun shrugged, pulling away from you to spin you, and you followed to his rhythm. “If I didn’t then we probably wouldn’t even be here now would we?” He questioned, and you nodded. “I guess.” Was all you could say.

You listened to the music together, the dramatics of spinning and turning stopped. Your back was pressed against Jaehyun’s chest, as he held your arms with his chin rested in the crook of your neck.

“It really brings back memories, doesn’t it?” He asked, and you hummed in response. “Crazy to think how this all started…” You whispered, turning around, so you were now facing Jaehyun, your arms finding comfort around his neck again, and his resting on your hips.

“Before we met, I was terrified of love. No one knew how bad it was… not even Johnny. He just knew that my parents fought a lot, and would be there for me when the yelling got too much.”

Silence.

“No one knew that because of them, I thought that love meant hurting the other. But the thing is…” Your voice trailed off, tilting your head so you could meet Jaehyun’s focused stare.

“It wasn’t the fear that it would hurt me, but that I would be the one doing the hurting. When I met you… I knew you were nothing but good. Guess that’s why I was so scared to fall. I didn’t want to hurt you… I was just—” a kiss pressed against your lips interrupted your sentence. It was something short and felt sweet at first.

Passionate, but chaste. It was enough to reassure you, and Jaehyun didn’t even have to say anything from that point on. He just had to look at you. And with that glisten in his eyes, you knew that no words had to be exchanged for you to understand the amount of love he had for you.

Your mother was nothing like Jaehyun, and nothing like your father. She wasn’t as compassionate as Jaehyun, or as nurturing as your father who tried his best despite his addictions. She didn’t even try to make things work, and when she saw a crack form in what was once perfect, she ran away.

You still remember her cold, heartless glare, her perfectly painted lips in a frown when she looked at you, and said, “Who can love something so broken?” And maybe it was the fact that you knew Jaehyun was nothing like her, or the devastation in your father’s eyes when you left, yet the love and support that still carried in his heart when you did, you knew that it would be okay.

Someday, everything will be okay.

Still, the mirror was far from fixed. To this day, you can barely look at your reflection, and when you look at those cracks, the ones that carry your mother’s bittersweet smile and your father’s salty tears, you’d lose yourself in the thought, ‘Will it ever be fixed?’ That was just something you had to wait and see for yourself.

All that’s left now is hope.

—○—

The soft strums of the guitar woke you up. The chilling breeze of a welcoming Autumn beginning to enter through your window. You groaned, pulling the sheets over your head, trying to shut your eyes to drift back into sleep, but the guitar continued to strum, and his voice was muffled against the walls.

You extended your hand, and although you knew he wasn’t by your side, you sighed. Sitting up, you fixed your hair in a quick ponytail, heading to the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face, all whilst the guitar continued to play.

Every morning was like this after Johnny and Ten’s wedding. People were finally seeing potential within Jaehyun, and with potential, he gained opportunity.

Ten was friends with people who could give Jaehyun those opportunities—close enough with him to show up to his wedding and catch Jaehyun playing the guitar and listen to his singing you found so sweet. It was like a door had been opened for him. Opportunity after opportunity, it was impossible to pick which door of the many to walk through.

You saw that spark in his eyes. The one you wanted to believe that you carried when you talked about painting.

Now Jaehyun had that same look, the only difference being that he was actually living his dream. You… not so much.

Since the wedding, Jaehyun surprised you the next morning with a paint set. Acrylics, watercolors, brushes, an easel with endless canvas’ waiting to be filled. Every part of you wanted to be happy when he showed you it. He even emptied everything from the balcony just so you could paint the outside world. But whenever you looked at that blank canvas, and those clean brushes, you couldn’t find that spark to paint.

Each time you touched a watercolor, or brushed your fingers against the clean wood of the easel, you felt the pain that has filled up your past. You still thanked Jaehyun, but finding the strength within you to use it was another story entirely. You were just satisfied enough to know that at least one of you is following your dreams.

You walked towards the living room, where everything felt surreal. Your vision was still a blur from just waking up, but from a distance you can see his broad back, sitting on the floor, with his guitar sitting on his lap. He played, and he sang. He’d stop now and then to write in his notebook that you had gotten for him the moment you found out about his dreams.

Strangely enough, the first thing he wrote on the notebook wasn’t a song—not even a simple melody—but your name. It was cheesy, and you cringed when he showed it to you, but still, your heart felt light. He didn’t really care to seek a reaction from you, but when he wrote your name on that notebook, you watched that smile that makes it different from all the others he shows you. One filled with purity, innocence, and nothing else but love.

It looked like a hazy dream. Speckles of the sun seeping into your eyes, watering from a sudden yawn, and his lips that moved so smoothly, so sweetly, you didn’t want to kiss those lips, but to watch them as they moved. How his eyes fluttered closed, his eyelashes creating tiny shadows underneath, and his golden skin stained in tiny freckles that only the sun could expose.

Jaehyun was always beautiful, but still… the sight of him always took your breath away. When you watched, it was like the world had gone mute and placed in slow motion.

How his hair bounced each time he’d strummed his guitar, strands of his freshly dyed hair glowing a brighter color against the beams of light that poured through the curtains. His lips that continued to move, yet to you, made no sound at all.

This moment was something you wanted to cherish for as long as it lasted, and something that reached deep inside you had suddenly wished to cry. As if all of this seemed too good to be true.

As if you are still waiting for this dream to end.

“Hey, did I wake you up?” The singing was gone, and so were the soft melodies of the guitar. His voice that sounded concerned, yet coated with sweetness as he looked over at you with a smile. You grinned, shaking your head as you said, “No, not at all.” Jaehyun nodded, curling his lips as if lost in thought before setting his guitar aside, turning away from you and headed into the kitchen.

“I wanted to wait until you woke up before eating. Come on, I’ll cook while you can tell me about what you dreamt last night.” His smile had widened into a grin, a tiny laugh breathing through his thin lips when you followed behind, sitting down on the table.

Jaehyun was never the type to talk about himself and always wanted to hear about everything that you did. Even your dreams. Sometimes you wondered why he never liked to talk about himself, but you wanted to trick yourself into thinking, that was just how he was.

That this is the type of character Jaehyun is, because he tells you everything when it’s important. He wouldn’t dare keep any secrets from you, but still, you wish sometimes that he can tell you stories about his day, or his dreams, or even his thoughts. To know what runs through his mind every day, and although he kept his heart open for you to see and hold, it was like his mind was closed and locked away from everyone.

Even you.

Breakfast passed by quieter than the usual. Jaehyun would stir up the conversation now and then, but with you distracted by your thoughts, you didn’t find the strength to eat. Instead, you played with your food, poking at your eggs with your fork, or taking a sip from your orange juice every ten seconds.

Jaehyun looked over at you, his brows furrowed and worried. “I’m performing today.” He said abruptly, earning a reaction from you when your head snapped in his direction, and the grip on your fork turned tight. “T-That’s amazing Jaehyun! This is your fourth gig already!” You smiled widely, and Jaehyun laughed.

He nodded his head, “I know! I’m honestly surprised. I feel like I almost don’t deserve it…” His joy was quick to turn to sorrow, and your smile dropped.

You clicked your tongue, shaking your head and reached over to hold his hand across the table. “Don’t be like that. Of course you deserve it Jaehyun. You’re talented, and people are finally starting to see that in you. Your voice is being heard, and soon enough there will be thousands of people wanting to hear your voice!” You encouraged, and that brought a smile right back onto his lips.

“Will you… go with me?” His words sent you silent, and your hand tensed. “Y-You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s just… I’m finally starting to make myself known, and this is really important to me. I thought you could be there to y’know… give me some encouragement?” He excused, and you immediately felt guilty. Your lips curled into a tight line, but after a few seconds, you looked back into his eyes that awaited for you anxiously, and nodded your head.

It was enough to bring that bright grin back to his face, and that was enough for you to meet with the same expression. “You’re the best.” He whispered, bringing your hand to his lips, grazing your knuckles against them and kissed them gently.

You hummed, and with a coy smile, you said, “I know.” Jaehyun picked up the dishes, walking towards the sink when you followed him right behind. You wrapped your arms around his waist, your chin resting delicately on his back—as you were rather short to even think of reaching his shoulder.

You felt the vibrations of his chuckle against your skin, and it made your heart feel warm and fuzzy, like it was the first time you realized you had fallen in love with him.

“Oh, there’s another thing I should probably tell you for tonight.” Jaehyun started, and you remove yourself from him, standing right beside him when he handed you a dish for you to dry. “What is it?” You asked when you realized that he was being quiet for just a moment too short. You looked over at him, expecting to see him smile with enthusiasm, as he’d always been whenever he’d talk to you about his gigs.

Jaehyun still smiled, but there was something different to it. Although he kept his mind hidden from the world, he was still easy to read when it had come to his emotions.

“I-I actually…” He cleared his throat, turning his head to look at you and grinned widely, “I joined a band!” It fell silent.The only sounds that filled your ears were of the running water that soon turned off.

Jaehyun reached over to the other side of the sink—your side where you were drying the dishes before, and a nervous chuckle breathed from his lips. “T-That’s great, babe! W-When did you join? Who?” You breathed out a laugh, and there had been a look in Jaehyun’s eye that looked almost like relief at your words.

“Some guys at the bar saw me singing and thought I’d be a perfect addition to their band. Surprisingly enough, Doyoung is in it!” His eyes glinted with excitement again. One that reminded you of a child, and in a strange way, you felt disconnected from it.

“I didn’t know Doyoung could sing.” Was all you could muster up before you reached for a dish to dry. Jaehyun laughed, shaking his head and with that same smile, he said, “I didn’t know either. Guess the world is always full of surprises. Wait until you hear our name though—but I’ll leave that as a surprise until tonight!” He rushed to your side, pressing a quick kiss to your cheek, and with no other words exchanged, he left and disappeared into your apartment.

“It’s going to be great, babe!” You heard him shout from afar. You wanted to smile, and you wanted to feel happy for him. Jaehyun deserved this! He was finally living his dream, just like he said he would!

So why…

Why did you feel so…

Empty?

You put the dishes down when you realized your hands were pruning. After a few mumbles to yourself, you took a deep breath in, and walked towards the balcony.

The sun was still high up, and the clouds seemed perfectly scattered. The buildings seemed tall, and below the streets seemed busy. Cars zooming past your building and people talking, you listened to the life that played around you.

You sat down on the tiny stool in front of the easel, a blank canvas sitting right on it, waiting for a brush’s touch. You turned to your right, where the acrylic paints sat patiently, and a big piece of cardboard cut into a palette. The sight almost made you laugh instantly.

“I suppose I should tell him I have one of these…” You whispered to yourself with a gentle giggle, picking it up in your hands and observed the plain brown color. How it was begging to be filled with more than just one simple color.

Your hands tensed at the thought. Looking back towards the acrylics, you didn’t know where to begin, nor what to paint. Each time you painted in the past, there was always a story to be told within the strokes of a brush. Either it was about pain, love, or sorrow—something was always shown within your drawings. But when you listened deep for the silence within the busy city, you heard the birds chirping and flying away to hide in the clouds.

You observed them and watched them fly. Some had flown in groups, and some alone; yet they didn’t look lonely at all. Instead, they looked free.

Your eyes fluttered closed, you took a deep breath in, and reached for an acrylic paint, then for your brush, you felt your fingers tense again. As if something was holding you back, taking away what you thought you already had. It felt as if something was within arm's distance away, something that you craved, and something that you needed—but you didn’t know what.

You took another deep breath, your jaw tightened, and you began to paint.

You didn’t know what you were painting, or what story would be told within the brush strokes. You didn’t know if the colors you were using would even make sense, but you didn’t care. You painted, and you searched deep inside for something—anything—to scream and be let out through these colors.

And it was within that focus you found yourself deep inside, you had tuned out everything in the world, and you didn’t hear busy cars or loud people. You didn’t listen to the lives that flourished around you, and you didn’t pay attention to the time that passed without you. You painted, and when you painted, you created a whole new world for you, and you only. You hadn’t paid attention to the sun that tinted the world in gold, or when Jaehyun placed a plate of food and juice on your table.

You painted like it was easy as breathing, and you painted because your heart felt caged, and you wanted nothing more than to create a key just for that. When the sun was setting, and the light for you to see was gone, that was when you had finished.

Jaehyun watched, leaning against the doorway and tilted his head to the side when he looked over your shoulder. “It’s beautiful.” You listened to him whisper, his footsteps echoing against the gravel of the balcony, his arms wrapping around your waist, and his chin against your shoulder. “What is it supposed to be?” He asked, and you took a deep breath, wiping away the sweat that built on your brow.

You smiled, placing your brush down and your palette full of colors. With a sigh of what felt like relief, you hovered your hands over Jaehyun’s and with a confident urge, you said, “It’s who I want to be.” You looked back at the canvas, studying the messy blotches of blues, purples, and red, and within those blotches, faded in the middle those colors shaped together, so that when you took a step back, “A bird.” You whispered, smiling proudly at yourself and looked up into the sky, where the birds had long left to voyage to wherever their hearts wanted.

—○—

You had taken a quick shower and changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white tee, placing your hair up in a lazy ponytail, you glanced over at Jaehyun who had been staring at his reflection for a while.

Walking up towards him, you stood beside Jaehyun, leaning against his towering figure, you nudged him gently with your elbow. “If you’re going to stand here all day admiring how good you look then you’ll be late for your gig with your band.” You smiled, and he laughed.

Jaehyun shook his head, averting his eyes away from his reflection and stepped back to sit on the edge of the bed. “It’s not that…” He whispered. You turned to look at him, seeing that dark look in his eye that he had earlier in the morning. You puffed up your cheeks, then releasing it into a sigh and sat next to him, taking his hand in yours, you intertwined your fingers together.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been looking down since this morning. Are you nervous?” You asked cautiously, and Jaehyun laughed dryly. “It’s not just that…” He let go of your hand, and the action alone made your heart just a little more fragile.

He stood up, walking towards the door before leaning his head against the frame. “What if I fuck all this up? I’ve been doing this whole music thing by myself this entire time, and now I’m in a band? I’m just scared I’ll screw it up and miss this opportunity.” He confessed, and you smiled bitter sweetly.

“You won’t fuck this up. You’re talented, and I’m sure they know that well enough to have want you in their band. You have potential, Jaehyun. And you need to see it, just like how I see it, and how everyone else sees it.” You huffed, and Jaehyun kept his eyes glued to the floor.

You stood up, walking towards him and reached to hold his hands again. “Then how about this…” You started, catching his attention enough to meet your gaze. “I’ll be standing right in front of the stage, and each time you feel that you’re getting nervous, just look at me! Pretend that it’s just another night of you singing to me.” Your words seemed reassuring enough to him, and with that Jaehyun smiled.

“I don’t know if that’ll work—”

“Of course it’ll work! Hasn’t stopped you from performing all those gigs before. Why is this little change suddenly going to make a difference?”

Jaehyun fell silent, and you clicked your tongue. “You’re going to be fine. And if you make a mistake, then it doesn’t matter! You’ll learn, and it won’t be the end of the world! Now can we please go? I don’t want you to miss your own gig.” You laughed, and Jaehyun looked at you with wide, glimmering eyes. Slowly, you watched that smile itch back onto his lips, and those dimples popping out again.

“There’s my guy…” You whispered, as if to yourself, but before Jaehyun could have time to reply, you gripped his hand and rushed out the door.

—○—

The pier seemed more busy at night. With the lights aglow, and laughter filling the air, it was impossible not to feel good. A Ferris wheel wasn’t too far from the bar that Jaehyun was performing in, and he promised you earlier that once he was finished that he’d take you there and you’d enjoy the view together.

Yet it wasn’t the anticipation of going to the Ferris wheel with Jaehyun that made your palms clammy with cold sweat, but the crowded room in the bar shouting and laughing in excitement. Drinks in hand, some bought a beer for a nice Friday night, while some stuck with something more sober so they can enjoy the performance.

The room seemed to have been getting more crowded, enough for you to sweat with all the uncomfortable body heat going around. You glanced at your phone; in ten minutes Jaehyun is supposed to perform with his new band whose name remains unknown to you.

You sigh, stumbling across the crowd to get to the bar, raising a hand to gain their attention, but they seemed to be busy on the other side, where young adults kept shouting requests for shots. A knot forms in your throat before you could attempt to get their attention again. You cleared your throat, sitting on one of the bar stools in defeat, and looked to your side where the stage awaits.

A girl with a guitar was currently performing. Her voice was sweet and sultry, seductive and slow. The way she played guitar looked just as natural to her as breathing. Her eyes fluttered closed, and how she looked reminded you of Jaehyun. How he too would close his eyes and lose himself within the music. It left you to wonder how something like that could feel like.

You cleared your throat, in attempts to snap you out of your strange thoughts. Your jaw clenched, and your hands had tensed up, gripping tightly onto your seat.

Lately you have been surrounded by negative thoughts. Isolating yourself from everything, yet still talking to people with that same, empty smile, just so they don’t suspect you.

It terrified you that you were thinking like this, but you didn’t even know why. To you, it felt like a dark cloud was swirling above your head, the thunder roaring and threatening to bring you rain.

You’d think Jaehyun would help to rid those dark, dull clouds, but the more he gets gigs like this, and the more he continues to follow his dreams, you envy, and realize just how far behind you are falling.

Your eyes wandered around the room, then back at the bar to raise your hand and hope that the bartender can pay attention to you for once, but right when it seemed that they were just ready to ignore your existence yet again, someone next to you had shouted abruptly.

“Hey, can we get some drinks here?” Their voice seemed loud enough, and the bartender flashed a smile and nodded before pouring two cups of beer. Your eyes widened, and the voice instantly sparked something in your mind.

“Taeyong…” You whispered, and despite the constant chatter and shouts of the surrounding people, Taeyong turned to look at you, and smiled.

“Hey stranger, long time no see.”