Make Abusers Leave Again 2018

It occurs to me that while I may know what the red flags are when it comes to identifying when an online acquaintance may be a personality to keep at arm’s length, it isn’t general knowledge.

A person looking for a victim to abuse emotionally and mentally will typically go for the newest names and faces in the community - people who don’t have a network, who might be afraid to initiate contact with better known names and faces; people who will not be confident that they will be taken seriously if they were to talk about this often uncomfortable and sometimes deeply harmful experience inflicted on them. In short, people who are easily isolated.

So here is a brief suggestion of things that are red flags, especially when taken together. It is just my thoughts, and it is in no way exhaustive.

They are instantly your best friend

Yes, we all want to be friendly and warm to people we meet online. But someone who is looking for a victim, not a friend, will be your best friend. They’ll warn you about people you haven’t spoken to but might be peripherally aware of - there won’t often be any details, but you’ll be left with a nebulous feeling that this person is a bad person, or that person is mean for the hell of it. These people rely on you being so grateful to have someone to warn them about the potential trouble all around you online that you won’t question the fact that they are your only friend in this online community.

They have some tragedy they have to share with you straight away

Be it a personal tragedy, an intense family situation, or even their side of an online argument, they are the victim. Always the victim, they never did anything wrong. As before, they won’t produce links you can follow to see for yourself, or give many details about it. It’s all about creating an emotional connection they can manipulate later.

They are your biggest fan …

Everything you create is gold, there’s nothing you need to improve on, you’re the best writer/artist/creator they have ever come across and the fandom community is so lucky to have you, but …

… they need you to be theirs

Conversations turn often to them degrading themselves, their work, everything they create. They’re hungry for your praise, and you find yourself giving them praise and advice every single day. As you increase this level of warmth and encouragement, their own contribution fades to almost nothing. It is all about them, and because you are isolated, you feel stuck with them.

Suddenly, every little disagreement becomes an all out fight …

Even the smallest difference of opinion is met with furious hostility, and you find yourself scrambling to placate them, to reassure them that they are right, to keep your friend. You have to take all the blame, the full responsibility for whatever they have decided is wrong, and even then, you will end up logging off angry or in tears because of the language they have used.

… but everything is fine the next day

At least, it seems so on their end. You, on the other hand, are now edgy, walking on eggshells, unable to relax in conversation with them, wondering what will set them off next. At this point, you might start to branch out, to get to know other creators, but it soon becomes clear that if you want to continue doing this, you can never mention it to your “special friend”. It sets them off into that violently hostile temper all over again, every single time.

These are the behavioral markers that I have experienced, both in real life and online. People who display these will draw you in, isolate you from as many others as they can, and then will proceed to emotionally and mentally abuse you. Abuse includes threats of self-harm or suicide if they don’t get their way, subtle degradation of your own confidence in your abilities, even attempts to use personal details about your life to throw you off-balance (one example, that I experienced years ago - my nephew had just got his first girlfriend; this person did her damnedest to convince me that his girlfriend was only using him and that I should intervene, an action which, had I done it, would have resulted in isolating me from my own family).

If you notice more than one of these happening in conversations with people online, please don’t suffer it in silence. At the very least, tell someone else in the community what is happening. The only way to keep these things from continuing to happen is to be open and communicative about it. The more we talk to each other, the less these predators can pick and choose their victims. The damage they do is harsh and it lasts far longer than any of us want to believe.

Now that I’m home, here’s some screenshots just in case. I’ve addressed most of this, but there’s one thing I noticed now that I’m not at work and can really read the post.

The reason I’m hesitant about it now is one of the false claims being made is that I’ve stalked people IRL and otherwise.

You really need to stop saying the claims being made against you are false, my friend.  Because every time you do, someone brings up receipts showing you’re lying.  Remember: You have 0 credibility, now.  You continue to lie and try to make yourself the victim in this somehow.  I’m not going to believe anything you have to say just because you claim you’re really telling the truth this time.

Also, it’s not YOUR community you possessive freak.  It’s the community and you’re an unfortunate part of it right now.  

So, now that I’ve had some time to think about it.  Let’s break this down.

I know it’s really easy to convince yourself that people will never be satisfied with any apology you make, but really, this is not an apology, and the snippets below are just a handful of examples of the way your turns-of-phrase are unfortunately manipulative and self-victimizing.

I allowed my feelings of abandonment and outrage at an injustice to stew and mutate into a broad and directionless anger.

Nah dude, all you need to say in an apology is “I was angry and did the wrong thing.”  By elaborating on feelings of abandonment, you’re putting the weight of your actions on something other than yourself.  Stop it.

I failed to be the better version of myself I have been.

A simple “I failed” is all that’s required here.  A reminder that you’ve done better in the past is an attempt ( intentional or not ) to paint yourself in a better light, to take some of the edge off what you’re apologizing for.  Stop it.

I am proof that people can grow beyond their immaturity, but that one still has to be vigilant about not falling into their old habits.

Everyone you’ve hurt, regardless of whether they’re wrong or right, would disagree.  This is not something you add to an apology to them.  “I have to be vigilant about not falling into old habits” would be better.  Heck, you could have left that entire point out.

I am not beyond succumbing to the worst inclinations common to all people.

Do I even need to address this one?  This is literally the equivalent of “Boys will be boys”.  

To top it all off, insisting that you’re not open to discussing this further or posting about it publicly is a huge red flag.  You’re telling the people that you believe you should be apologizing to that you’re only interested in getting the last word, and you’re not interested in whether or not that apology could possibly mean anything to them.

The person in question is using tried and true diversion tactics common to abusers, including downplaying their own involvement, and dismissing or inherently dehumanizing those bringing grievances up in order to reclaim some measure of control of their space and situation. It is not a matter of not understanding what is going on or the implications of what they say - or have gone to lengths to not say. 

As we consider Oz’s words, there is a point I would like to emphasize.

Apologies are an important part of the abuser’s playbook.

And as Lundy Bancroft states in Why Does He Do That?, it doesn’t really matter if the abuser’s apology is sincere or not.

The salient point about remorse, however, is that it matters little whether it is genuine or not. Clients who get very sorry after acts of abuse change at about the same rate as the ones who don’t. The most regretful are sometimes the most self-centered, lamenting above all the injury they’ve done to their own self-image. They feel ashamed of having behaved like cruel dictators and want to revert quickly to the role of benign dictators, as if that somehow makes them much better people.

This is the third time I’ve linked this image with regard to this situation, but it’s because it is paramount that we understand the abuser’s behavior as cyclical and the role that apologies play. 

It’s a little counter-intuitive compared to non-abusive interactions. Under normal circumstances, an apology serves to say things like “hey I messed up and I’m sorry.” It’s part of making things right with someone else, and it’s considered part of the social contract that if someone is sorry for what they did, they will try to do better in the future.

But in the context of the cycle of abuse, that’s not what happens when an abuser apologizes.

Another quote from Bancroft:

After he has purged himself, he typically acts ashamed or regretful about his cruelty or violence, at least in the early years of a relationship. Then he may enter a period when he reminds you of the man you fell in love with—charming, attentive, funny, kind. His actions have the effect of drawing you into a repetitive traumatic cycle in which you hope each time that he is finally going to change for good. You then begin to see the signs of his next slow slide back into abuse, and your anxiety and confusion rise again.

[Once more please excuse the pronouns and specifically gendered way Bancroft has written this book. He is addressing heterosexual romantic relationships because that is what he worked with most in his practice, but so much about abuse is common regardless of the type of personal relationship.]

Ultimately, whether or not an abuser feels sorry means nothing. If they’re going to become a better person, what’s required is that they change the fundamental beliefs, behaviors, and actions that made them an abuser in the first place.

So, let’s talk this second apology.

You don’t get to write callout posts.   You don’t get to convince one of your members to write a callout post for you as your proxy just so you can reblog it. (Like you used me for, shortly after I joined Coral.) You don’t get to use your twitter, your tumblr, positivity blogs, or whatever social media you latch onto for crusading of any nature.  

You don’t get to sniff around the blogs of people you despise.  You don’t get to leap to the ‘defense’ of your people based upon hearsay and rumor.  You don’t get to decide you are a spirit of justice and that your place here is to dole out punishment. 

You get wind of a real abuser?  You pass that fucking shit on to someone else with more fucking credibility and you let them handle it. Because you have none. Zero.  And after all the stories I’ve read, the messages I’ve received of people who have been hurt by you, of people too terrified to cross you - the next crusade you launch will not ever be taken seriously ever the fuck again.

“I’m going to respond to a request I’ve seen that I be more plainspoken and more direct. I originally worried that might come across flippant and dismissive, but I appreciate not everyone sees it the same way. I apologise in advance if this comes across a little too conversational or free-association.

I know I have hurt people and I am sorry. There were times it was absolutely my intent to do harm.Regardless of what reason I had, where I was in that moment, that’s what I did.

If you are one of those people, I apologise. Knowing full well the feelings of alienation that come from someone turning their anger on you, I engaged in that exact anger. I knowingly used that fear to bad ends and displayed a general lack of empathy.

I responded to conflict in destructive, unhealthy, and sometimes objectively cruel ways. I blurred the lines between the minor failures of others and critical flaws that define people for what they are. I used the simple humanity of other people as leverage against them and refused to show compassion for the pain that caused.

I harassed and held grudges against people who didn’t deserve it. When those people defended themselves, I used that natural and rational reaction as a reason to mock them and as proof of the vile image of them I had created.

I said in my previous apology that I am sorry for contributing to a cycle of anger and anguish and I stand by that. What I did made the world a worse place. I excused countless of my own wrongs that went on to hurt innocent people, directly and indirectly. There were times I saw the hurt I caused and simply chose to not care because of whatever validation I found to justify that and all I can say now is that I am sorry.

I do not know who does and does not wish to speak with me about any of this and I do not want anyone to feel put-upon or isolated by me trying to initiate that. If you feel you would benefit from speaking to me about any way I’ve wronged you, please, I invite you to do so. I want to hear what you have to say and I would appreciate the chance to extend my apology to you personally.”

This is going to be long so I’m going to put it under a cut. It also might be jumbled with ramblings of things I’ve wanted to say.

“It takes two to tango” does NOT apply to abuse. Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

Again for people in the back:

Victims have no responsibility for abusers’ actions and anybody who says otherwise is aiding abusers.

One more time:

reneebecquerel I know there’s no tasteful way to ask, but could we speak briefly?

captain-ameribunny As I so often have to remind people who call my office: This line may be recorded.

There’s a lot to unpack from the fauxpology that appeared recently on a new blog from Oz.  I’ve seen this before… from multiple abusive people.  

So let’s dive in, shall we?

This isn’t an apology, Oz. You are not forgiven. And even if you were, it wouldn’t wipe away what you have done.

I did not ask for much.  All I wanted was to be at peace with you.  That is all I EVER wanted.  You could not even give me that for the simple crime of leaving your FC.  For not being willing to force one of my friends to stop being friends with someone you hated.

The vitriolic harassment you laid upon me just for the simple act of unblocking you on Tumblr and not speaking to you at all was at most 6 or 7 months ago.  And if you truly had blocked me on Tumblr, then the only way you would have noticed I unblocked you at all was if you were regularly stalking my blog. Where has my apology been in all that time?

I know who this apology is really for.  You don’t care about me.  You know I would never take seriously a blanket apology that only appeared after everything came to light.

This ‘apology’ is a show for the community, a performative display so you can try to dupe people into thinking you are sincere, but utterly meaningless and heals no one.